THE SIX WEEK WAIT

Disclaimer :: please read the DISCLAIMER before reading my blog posts.

Yeah you read it right, it’s a six week wait for that AFP culture test result. I wanted to update immediately after my meeting with the gynecologist this Monday, but life has many twists right also Its navrathri  from yesterday and Dusshera  here so was a bit  busy and  also the result I wanted is yet to come. There was and still so much confusion  and drama by the receptionists, there are so many receptionists there sigh. What I wanted din’t happen that day at all.Now I need to wait until 17th October hopefully I will get my final reports on that day at-least.

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I don’t know whether I was wrong or the hospital staff confused me or maybe the nurse who told me to come on 17th was confused and she confused me too, so much confusion here right.On Monday when I went to the hospital first I went to take my report they told it will be given to me in few minutes, but it dint happen and  I had to meet my doc on the appointed time, so the receptionist told me its better I go and  pay the consultation fee and wait since my appointment time was getting over and she will send my report directly to the doc, so I went paid and sat there waiting for my turn and reports.

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Then I heard my name being called and thought my reports have come, so I went and was told that the report will  come in the evening. I was pissed off, I was so much waiting  for that darn report and here again I need to wait. I tried to be calm and thought ok I will come on Wednesday and meet the doc and spoke to the receptionist,I  told her if they had told me when the report exactly will come I would come at time and and I would not  have wasted my time. money and energy  here doing nothing, the feeling I cannot explain when they told my reports are yet to come.

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I was angry so they directly called the lab technician and he spoke to me which I did not understand, so he told he will come and speak directly to me. The lab technician told my reports will come only after six weeks not two weeks, I was pissed off and angry at the same time, first I thought I will know about the reports in two weeks and after two weeks first they told the result will come in a day and now this is too much I had to wait four more weeks after waiting two weeks before this sigh.Then he explained that they will grow the tissue / smear or whatever it is and then its positive or negative  result will depend on whether it grows or not . that’s the culture test the lab technician told me, so now again the most frustrating waiting game starts again, please pray for me again that all my reports are fine  and I can start IVF soon. I am trying to be patient as much as possible.

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The Amazing Support….

Disclaimer :: please read the DISCLAIMER before reading my blog posts.

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I have always written about negative people in my life in this blog , so I thought I must write here about the amazing support I have here, from this blogging community, friends from Indus- ladies forum, few close friends and  of course my BH , mom, mil , cousins and few more from my  family.There are so many un-supportive  people but this post is not about them,  its  about the support that is making my journey bearable .I always felt I am alone in this journey and people who have not gone though this infertility journey will never understand.

Sometimes I fight with my mom and mil when they suggest/advice me on infertility treatments , they have no intentions to hurt me but those advice’s are not necessary for me because  they do not know about infertility journey and its treatment too, I  just get angry sometimes and yell at them,but I know they feel helpless sometimes and talk too me so I am sorry Ma and MIL if I  hurt you, but still I want to add that they don’t know how it feels, they don’t even know how it feels every month or years we keeping hoping it will happen and that its a never ending frustrating journey  that only we can understand.

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There are few people who even though have no idea about this infertility journey and nor do I want them to experience it, but they try to understand and I really appreciate it and I am really happy about those people in my life. My cousin T had a baby in Feb she is one person who never made me feel that she got pregnant easily and she see’s me as strong person, that I can handle anything but only I know that I am breaking everyday, ok that’s not the point but she knows how to make me feel better. My BFF R is one person feels for me, but when she came to know about out TTC woes, she was not able understand me,I was very hurt when she said “just relax” “it’s God’d will” “it will happen” etc but now she thinks before she speaks and tries to understand me.

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Then there is S from Indus-ladies who encourages me , understands me, supports me and when I am afraid of the procedures the way she makes those so minute and very smaller than the result  which our baby is and the relief I feel after speaking I cant describe in words, I just love here for that, we hardly know our real names or anything but I feel so good chatting with her. Then there is one more person from Indus-ladies D where we both are almost sailing in the same boat and we are still getting to know each other.Then the amazing blogging community who never make me feel that I am alone at all those comments make my day, I love your support , those posts, comments  and when I have doubts you clear those it is such a great support, thank you all.

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Update: Today I will be meeting to get my reports on whatever pending reports after Laparoscopy which I have mentioned in my last post, so will know what next in this irritating journey.will update more soon.

 

 

 

What next ?

What next is the biggest question I have at this point of time in my life,even though I know  that my doctors  have told IVF is the only option I have right now. I am also preparing for IVF  mentally, Physically and financially, but this waiting game is frustrating.I wonder how people cope with this waiting game, especially when you want something the most but its delayed due to so many factors which are known and unknown to us, so it  makes the waiting more worse than anything in life.

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I met my gynecologist yesterday after a week to remove my stitches, I had to go on Saturday but could not go due to some other reasons.Removal of stitches was ok near the abdomen but near my navel it was a bit painful only for few minutes, it was done by some junior doctor. later my gynec came to meet me where I was lying down after removal of the stitch. As I had told in my last post that both my RE and gynec had discussed that if my right tube is blocked according to my Feb HSG  report and if my right tube was causing any problem for conceiving than to remove the right tube.

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My gynec decided not remove my right tube since both my tubes are fine, only its blocked that’s it, so she decided to tell my RE its not necessary to remove the tube and it wont have any bad effect during IVF.

My meeting with gynec went well, she told  me that my tubes are fine and it can open in future and she spoke to my RE when I was on operation table that its not necessary to remove the tube so I am a bit relived, so my tubes are fine and in my uterus, also I have heard that tubes  usually closes and opens depending on our diet or our Karma or our luck. One of my cousin conceive after eight years on her fourth IVF and conceived naturally next one within two years, her tubes had opened and it was miracle baby two for her.

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OK now if you read until now and wondering why I have that question on what next ?when I know it is IVF, but they have sent my some blood sample,endo lining and smear and what not I  don’t know for testing some

AFB  BACTEA Culture

AFB Smear

AFB Culture 

AFB Culture (Identification)

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Then something specimen source  and smear is sent by tissue and that result is Acid fast Bacilli NOT SEEN its written in the report so that’s fine I think.I know I should be stress free and talk to  about these to my doc but I cant wait. I think here in India they do this test to check to find out genital TB because it will be difficult to conceive or  during IVF embryo wont implant due to TB (this I read in some trying to conceive forum, written  by somebody who  had done these tests during there treatment for infertility)so if its positive they give treatment for three or six months and then when its cured they find out by endo biopsy and start IUI or IVF whatever next. So I will be meeting my gynec to get my report on AFB culture and then will meet my RE to start IVF maybe form October or November. So please pray for me all is fine and I can start with IVF soon.

 

 

Done with Hysteroscopy and Laparoscopy

I am sitting here with slightissh pain after the Hysteroscopy with Laparoscopy (hystero-lap).I am tired  and have slight pain in my tummy and shoulders.I was so scared last week until this was done, now I am relieved that its done and I am here sitting and typing about my experience.

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I went at 6 in the morning and came back at 9. pm.I was feeling ok by evening, but due to billing formalities it took long time. and by the time I was home it was darn late.I just wanted to be in bed.

They did  HSG again, hysteroscopy and laparoscopy. They basically did HSG again to check if my right tube is really blocked as I said in my previous post, they wanted to to either unblock or clip my right tube if it was creating problem for me to conceive.I still can’t understand, why last time they told that only right tube was blocked and left was fine , but now they are telling both are blocked, why dint they find out last time only, I would not have wasted my time, money and energy from last seven months.My karma I guess I have to go thought all this.

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I need to meet my gynecologist on Saturday to remove the stitches, they have made small cuts near the  navel and in my lower abdomen, that’s little painful and I get like a lighting feel kind of pain near my abdomen and on the sides of abdomen, has anybody felt like that who have undergone hysteroscopy and laparoscopy, please let me know.

I think they have sent my endometrium lining and others (whatever it is which I don’t know) for biopsy and tests, I don’t know when I will be getting results for those, so when I go to meet my doc on Saturday I know about those, hopefully everything is fine and I can go head for the next steps.IMG-20170827-WA0013

 

The most shocking result was when my doc came to meet me after I gained conscious, she told that both my tubes are blocked and IVF is the solution. My doc spoke to my mom who accompanied me and told her that she tried it very hard to unblock the tubes,but she could not do that, so it is IVF for me, I still need to digest the fact. I thought at least we will do two IUI’s but God has other plans for me I guess.Hopefully my other reports will be fine and they will be fine I guess or my doc would have told then itself if there were other problems, I am trying to be optimistic and be mentally ready to start IVF process.

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Hystero-Laparoscopy

 

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I met my doctor again on Wednesday, did some more tests Echo and X ray, last week too she had told some blood work, met anesthesiologist too,  all reports are fine, and I am told I am all good to go for the surgery. I have mixed feelings. Hystro-Lap is scheduled on Monday.

 

Hystero-Laparoscopy is done under anesthesia  so I am ok with that, but my doc told if I have any problem in my uterus they will do Laparotomy and clear it off, but I am worried and hopefully everything will be finished with  Hystero-Laparoscopy. I am really worried what if it is laparatomy. I am just very nervous, because its a big surgery is what I have heard and read.

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Update:- Today the junior gynecologist called me,she told that since my right tube is blocked according to my HSG report, they will check again during Hystro-lap, if its really blocked, they will try to rectify it, if is really bad and not helping me for conception(this I really did not understand) means they will remove my right tube, that’s what my gynecologist and RE have discussed, the junior gynecologist told me.

The junior gynecologist told me that she did not want to shock or frighten me by telling on Monday morning when I go for the surgery, so she had to tell me about my right tube.I asked her about Laparotomy she told me  not to worry, only in the rarest of rarest case Laparotomy is done and not to worry. In case if I have any problem at all then they might go for it  or else most of the time its  not needed at all, they just want my consent before they put me under anesthesia. They suggest everyone who’s goes though hystro-Lap before hand to be ready for Laparotomy, but that’s makes anyone nervous right.

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Almost all the people I know get pregnant so easily , and here I am doing so many things even before and struggling  to get pregnant. Suddenly with all these invasive methods I get really very scared and feel like stopping everything, then I feel that stopping without even trying means giving up totally, how can I leave all this when I have come this long in this journey, its very exhausting  and frustrating journey.

I am just too confused , afraid , feeling low and lonely. I just want to leave it all to God and trust him and that’s all I can do.I just pray  to God to give me the strength that’s all.   If  anybody has done Hystro-Laparoscopy / Laparotomy let me know, how it was for you and what  was the results positive or negative , whatever do let me know.

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Sometimes I wonder what is happening in my life……………

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PS; First of all I want to tell you all that my brothers wife gave birth to a healthy boy baby on Tuesday 29th august , I am very very happy for them. The baby is so very cute I cant take out my eyes from him.

Updates and Rants …..

After loads of emotional posts,I wanted to post about my consultations with  both the RE and my Gynecologist, but in India you just get stuck in the daily Indian dramas. Here it was one of the big festivals  In India on Thursday and Friday. It is the Ganesha Chaturthi so was busy shopping for festival and meeting doctors too.Then  later so many other things happened.

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On Friday I wanted to write, but again my  pregnant SIL (sister in law, brother’s wife) was crying in pain , she has some gal-bladder stone and it has aggravated due to hormonal changes during pregnancy, so we were very nervous, my bro took her to hospital , this is the fourth time she is admitted in hospital, she is fine now, luckily the baby is fine. She conceived exactly 2 or 3 months after the wedding , she is 9 years younger than me (she is 24 years). She has become pregnant without much effort so she is not bothered, she was asking the doctor to do cesarean and to keep the baby in incubator because she was in pain due to the gal-bladder stone, this was  when she  was just eight months (now she is 8.5 months), the doctor scolded her and told the baby will be pre-mature if we do that. She just wants the baby out that’s all not bothered about its well-being, now she is 36 weeks  so doctor has told to wait until 38 weeks.

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Here we are struggling to get pregnant and people want to just finish it off like it is some unwanted chore, they have got it easily so they don’t know the value, God why do you do this……

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OK now my reports ,got mine and BH’s blood reports and his SA result too. They even wanted to get us cleared with HIV, HBSAG, HCV, VDRL, Rubella( Rubella was only for me) etc all was clear and perfect for both of us, this is a routine check up here in India  when we first go to meet RE.

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MY REPORTS

Mine is Arcuate Uterus, this info I knew from my HSG reports itself.I read it fine , and no problem for conceiving, but I would like to know from first hand experienced person, who has arcuate uterus.

TSH – THYROID, PROLOCTIN ,AMH (EGGS) – 4.93 NG/ML , FSH all good, all other blood work reports are fine.

BH’s REPORT

SA – good count, motility and morphology is on lower side.

So both RE and gynecologist have suggested Hystro-lap/Hystroscopy after I get my period. Then later RE told we can try two  IUI’s and then later IVF cause I am in early thirties.

Has anyone done Hystro-lap, do let me know about the procedure and how it has worked for you.

 

A Letter to Family & Friends

I wish I could make people understand us and also they should know  how to treat us or shut the #@$* up. when a person knows that the other person is taking infertility treatment they should think before they speak . they should know what they are talking, like I have said in my previous post.

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Today I am hurt my tears are not stopping my eyes are red I want to hide from everyone I don’t want to be seen as a weak person, I don’t want to talk about how the person hurt me or the topic which hurt me, but I need justification for  what they said, it hurts .I wish everyone who has hurt me  could  read this also  few more points I would like to add.

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Just because you got pregnant  easily that does not mean your great or I am good for nothing.

Just because it happened for you one or few tries that does not mean it will never happen me, it will happen when it has to happen , every dog has its day, my day will come too.

If you cant understand me please don’t ever try to understand me. I don’t want you to understand me, but let me be. live and let live.

If you cant support me during my infertility journey, don’t support me but don’t hurt me with meaning less nonsense talks.

Then there are people who become pregnant easily, then they plan and wait for second one, then they decide and become pregnant again,  some want to plan but become pregnant by accident  or whatever and in front of us act as if it such a pain , they wanted to travel but could not due to the baby, they could not to not take a promotion, they could not. that, they could not do this uff what not . I the ask God WHY ME, WHY ME, why are you punishing me, I am dying for a baby and then you give for others who don’t want or having it just cause it happened. Its never ending rant.I a not bad the situations make me bad person.

Since you can get pregnant so easily you will never know or understand how precious our miracle babies will be for us, you can never know that, cause its our journey not yours. Your baby will be obviously precious to you, all babies are are precious in-fact, but the intense pain this journey has caused will see our babies in more different light and we know for what we have fought for.

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When people struggle to get pregnant and then conceive I feel so hopeful that we to shall conceive soon, I just feel so happy for them, but when I see people who just become pregnant in one or few tries and act like only they are pregnant  in the world and no one else can be pregnant now are in future.When I hear such stories I cringe.

I thank God sometimes (not always) for making me go through this infertility journey, because it has taught me so much  and still teaching me many things about life. people,relationships, materialist things , spirituality  , otherwise I would have never known. This journey has taught me that everyone will be with you in good times and very few will be with us when we are in a bad phase of life, but that’s life isn’t it, when we know the true meaning of life.

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If you have read until here you are great.I wanted to write about my blood work reports, BH’s reports and all but today’s one incident in the morning created by some close people is making me feel low, I know I am not like this I am strong and I can handle this, I have such a beautiful online support. I thank God for that. Will be meeting RE tomorrow and Gynecologist on Wednesday to discuss about lap,that’s it for now.

PS; If  there are any grammatical mistakes. please ignore I just wrote it in a flow.

 

 

Life Lessons Me & Updates

In this ttc infertility journey I have learned so much about life, myself, life in general, people (who are close and not so close included family and friends) . In my last post I had said that this journey has changed me a lot.It is such a tough journey that it teaches you great lessons in life , which you would not have known or learnt  if not this journey.

There are few people who have and will always and support me even at this point of time in my life , they don’t talk nonsense with me, they try to understand me and my infertility journey, they want to know about it and if they know something about infertility they tell me you know its peace between us.Then again there are other people who just hurt me with words,really don’t understand whether they want to hurt me or they just say in a flow, whatever but it hurts. In last few months one close person has hurt me knowing or unknowing I don’t know.This has made me know about people and there true characters and intentions. This journey has thought me not to BELIEVE everyone, not everyone will wish GOOD for YOU.

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I am AMAZED that how people react when your taking treatment for having a baby or when your finding difficult to conceive naturally or with treatment. They cant just believe that we are struggling for a baby or maybe we don’t want to have baby and are faking it that we are taking treatment.Why the hell will I lie, when that’s the one I am wanting, wanting my baby desperately.

People are very INSENSITIVE, they don’t even think what they are talking especially when they know that we are desperately trying to conceive, and when they have conceived in one try and we are failing doing that, but they don’t understand it, actually I don’t want to them to understand me, but at least they must know it might hurt the the other person. So give us some space. If some years back people spoke like that I would not even feel anything, but the this ttc phase had made me very sensitive.

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I have become more PHILOSOPHICAL, that’s why those quotes which I share. Those quotes resonate my feelings. This journey has thought me that sometime we just need need to let go. Just let go of some relationships, friends, things, feelings cause they are not worth of your time and energy.

I have also realized after going through this infertility journey not to ask people about kids, marriage, education, job etc.In our Indian society everyone wants to know everything from the time we are kids to until our kids gets married and they to should have kids too, its a long long story.

I feel so better after writing here, I feel so stress free, we cant speak to people who wont understand us even if we can speak to people who understand us they may feel we are going crazy or we are bad as a person, I sometimes feel we are alone in this journey and this blog is stress buster. Here who ever wants to read can read, or if they don’t want to read they can just leave or they can come back and read when then would like to read.So no one is compelled to listen to my story but for me its a great place to vent out my frustrations of this journey.

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Ok I think I have written too much emotional posts, actually as I have written in previous posts this cycle is break cycle, just trying naturally so no medicines  or anything. It feels it such long time to wait. Will meet my Gynecologist on Wednesday to speak about lap. after lap my both doctors will tell what should be done next.Then will  also meet RE next week .Got my blood work done yesterday, they took so much blood for so many things sigh, BH will get it done tomorrow, I am waiting for my blood results specifically AMH. Just pray for me. Thank you.

 

 

 

I am always thinking….

……………………about my ttc journey, my infertility journey. It is indeed  a long journey , a frustrating journey which makes us a different person in a bad way and also in a good way. As I sit here in our holiday home instead of enjoying the peace and serenity of the place, but my thoughts are always around ttc, I try not to show it to others, I enjoy many others things in life, I try to distract myself by my favorite baking sessions, cooking different cuisine, meeting people,travel, watching movies, even when I am doing all this ttc is in the back of my mind.This being a break/natural cycle its not doing any good.

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I was not like this, but when we started my treatment seriously last year July (before that you can check our journey ) I think a lot about ttc and ttc thoughts are always at the back of my mind, I cant help, I cant let go off it. When you see me in person you wont know the pain I am undergoing I am such a amazed actor which this infertility journey has thought me.

I am not ME,I am a totally different person this needs another post altogether, this infertility journey has changed me. I am sacred to hear pregnancy announcements, yeah you read it right I am scared to hear that, when I know someone is going to announce their pregnancy I just want to run away from that person/place. At this point of time I am surrounded by many pregnant women, very close people are pregnant. I try to be normal as much as possible.

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In the Indian society when your married we need to give good news(baby news) within a year or we are just wasting time or whatever. Luckily I have not faced much cause I come from a slightly broadminded family, but the society we have grown up makes us feel low, even though people don’t tell me on the face, but I know people talk behind me.I have got advice when to try , what positions are better, how long we should be on bed after intercourse, what not sigh, these advice’s were given even when we were  not trying for the baby , we were just married sigh this Indian society.

Those baby showers, naming ceremonies, weddings every where you go they ask about your baby. I am tired… half the year there were three baby showers, all of them are close so helped them , one was my own brothers wife’s baby shower, I was the one who ran around organizing it, I was mentally and physically tired and I was also on my  first clomid cycle, but that’s life isn’t it.

There is so much I want to write about how this infertility journey has changed me, sometime I question myself if I am turning into a bad person , then I realize I am not bad the situation makes a person a good or bad and it depends how the opposite person takes it or how the situation is handled.Think I have ranted too much but I feel better.

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Spirituality and Infertility – 1

I always wanted to write about my spiritual  journey and how I became more spiritual with/ because of this infertility journey. As far as I remember I was always spiritual, but in between I was lost and  I was not  spiritual (but deep inside me I was spiritual, maybe I was not showing it out  or maybe I was sad) due do many things its a long story for another day.

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Then this unfortunate  journey of infertility made me more spiritual. I am glad this journey has made me more spiritual than I  was before, I don’t blame God at all for this tough journey he has given me.I believe in karma, so I have left it to God. I can only pray that’s all, the miracle he has to do, but I believe in him he will do it when my time comes, but this waiting for MY time is frustrating and  it is never ending.

I was and I am crazy when my infertility treatment started, I started doing all pooja/prayers I am a Hindu. This time I wanted my treatment with Gods’s blessings.I feel along with my treatment prayers will make my miracle happen.In between all this my BFF (Best friend forever) sent me a link of pre-conception  meditation . Do check out the link if you believe in the pre-birth commucation,

After I saw the video and also meditated listing to it there was no looking back , the world of pre-birth communication opened to me, it is such a wonderful feeling. The meditation calms you makes you feel good, at least for me I felt really nice.There is more about my spiritual and pre-birth communication journey that’s why it will be posted in many parts.

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PS: If anyone who reads this and does not believe please don’t  believe but don’t write any negative comments, thank you.