Updates and Rants …..

After loads of emotional posts,I wanted to post about my consultations with  both the RE and my Gynecologist, but in India you just get stuck in the daily Indian dramas. Here it was one of the big festivals  In India on Thursday and Friday. It is the Ganesha Chaturthi so was busy shopping for festival and meeting doctors too.Then  later so many other things happened.

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On Friday I wanted to write, but again my  pregnant SIL (sister in law, brother’s wife) was crying in pain , she has some gal-bladder stone and it has aggravated due to hormonal changes during pregnancy, so we were very nervous, my bro took her to hospital , this is the fourth time she is admitted in hospital, she is fine now, luckily the baby is fine. She conceived exactly 2 or 3 months after the wedding , she is 9 years younger than me (she is 24 years). She has become pregnant without much effort so she is not bothered, she was asking the doctor to do cesarean and to keep the baby in incubator because she was in pain due to the gal-bladder stone, this was  when she  was just eight months (now she is 8.5 months), the doctor scolded her and told the baby will be pre-mature if we do that. She just wants the baby out that’s all not bothered about its well-being, now she is 36 weeks  so doctor has told to wait until 38 weeks.

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Here we are struggling to get pregnant and people want to just finish it off like it is some unwanted chore, they have got it easily so they don’t know the value, God why do you do this……

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OK now my reports ,got mine and BH’s blood reports and his SA result too. They even wanted to get us cleared with HIV, HBSAG, HCV, VDRL, Rubella( Rubella was only for me) etc all was clear and perfect for both of us, this is a routine check up here in India  when we first go to meet RE.

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MY REPORTS

Mine is Arcuate Uterus, this info I knew from my HSG reports itself.I read it fine , and no problem for conceiving, but I would like to know from first hand experienced person, who has arcuate uterus.

TSH – THYROID, PROLOCTIN ,AMH (EGGS) – 4.93 NG/ML , FSH all good, all other blood work reports are fine.

BH’s REPORT

SA – good count, motility and morphology is on lower side.

So both RE and gynecologist have suggested Hystro-lap/Hystroscopy after I get my period. Then later RE told we can try two  IUI’s and then later IVF cause I am in early thirties.

Has anyone done Hystro-lap, do let me know about the procedure and how it has worked for you.

 

A Letter to Family & Friends

I wish I could make people understand us and also they should know  how to treat us or shut the #@$* up. when a person knows that the other person is taking infertility treatment they should think before they speak . they should know what they are talking, like I have said in my previous post.

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Today I am hurt my tears are not stopping my eyes are red I want to hide from everyone I don’t want to be seen as a weak person, I don’t want to talk about how the person hurt me or the topic which hurt me, but I need justification for  what they said, it hurts .I wish everyone who has hurt me  could  read this also  few more points I would like to add.

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Just because you got pregnant  easily that does not mean your great or I am good for nothing.

Just because it happened for you one or few tries that does not mean it will never happen me, it will happen when it has to happen , every dog has its day, my day will come too.

If you cant understand me please don’t ever try to understand me. I don’t want you to understand me, but let me be. live and let live.

If you cant support me during my infertility journey, don’t support me but don’t hurt me with meaning less nonsense talks.

Then there are people who become pregnant easily, then they plan and wait for second one, then they decide and become pregnant again,  some want to plan but become pregnant by accident  or whatever and in front of us act as if it such a pain , they wanted to travel but could not due to the baby, they could not to not take a promotion, they could not. that, they could not do this uff what not . I the ask God WHY ME, WHY ME, why are you punishing me, I am dying for a baby and then you give for others who don’t want or having it just cause it happened. Its never ending rant.I a not bad the situations make me bad person.

Since you can get pregnant so easily you will never know or understand how precious our miracle babies will be for us, you can never know that, cause its our journey not yours. Your baby will be obviously precious to you, all babies are are precious in-fact, but the intense pain this journey has caused will see our babies in more different light and we know for what we have fought for.

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When people struggle to get pregnant and then conceive I feel so hopeful that we to shall conceive soon, I just feel so happy for them, but when I see people who just become pregnant in one or few tries and act like only they are pregnant  in the world and no one else can be pregnant now are in future.When I hear such stories I cringe.

I thank God sometimes (not always) for making me go through this infertility journey, because it has taught me so much  and still teaching me many things about life. people,relationships, materialist things , spirituality  , otherwise I would have never known. This journey has taught me that everyone will be with you in good times and very few will be with us when we are in a bad phase of life, but that’s life isn’t it, when we know the true meaning of life.

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If you have read until here you are great.I wanted to write about my blood work reports, BH’s reports and all but today’s one incident in the morning created by some close people is making me feel low, I know I am not like this I am strong and I can handle this, I have such a beautiful online support. I thank God for that. Will be meeting RE tomorrow and Gynecologist on Wednesday to discuss about lap,that’s it for now.

PS; If  there are any grammatical mistakes. please ignore I just wrote it in a flow.

 

 

Life Lessons Me & Updates

In this ttc infertility journey I have learned so much about life, myself, life in general, people (who are close and not so close included family and friends) . In my last post I had said that this journey has changed me a lot.It is such a tough journey that it teaches you great lessons in life , which you would not have known or learnt  if not this journey.

There are few people who have and will always and support me even at this point of time in my life , they don’t talk nonsense with me, they try to understand me and my infertility journey, they want to know about it and if they know something about infertility they tell me you know its peace between us.Then again there are other people who just hurt me with words,really don’t understand whether they want to hurt me or they just say in a flow, whatever but it hurts. In last few months one close person has hurt me knowing or unknowing I don’t know.This has made me know about people and there true characters and intentions. This journey has thought me not to BELIEVE everyone, not everyone will wish GOOD for YOU.

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I am AMAZED that how people react when your taking treatment for having a baby or when your finding difficult to conceive naturally or with treatment. They cant just believe that we are struggling for a baby or maybe we don’t want to have baby and are faking it that we are taking treatment.Why the hell will I lie, when that’s the one I am wanting, wanting my baby desperately.

People are very INSENSITIVE, they don’t even think what they are talking especially when they know that we are desperately trying to conceive, and when they have conceived in one try and we are failing doing that, but they don’t understand it, actually I don’t want to them to understand me, but at least they must know it might hurt the the other person. So give us some space. If some years back people spoke like that I would not even feel anything, but the this ttc phase had made me very sensitive.

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I have become more PHILOSOPHICAL, that’s why those quotes which I share. Those quotes resonate my feelings. This journey has thought me that sometime we just need need to let go. Just let go of some relationships, friends, things, feelings cause they are not worth of your time and energy.

I have also realized after going through this infertility journey not to ask people about kids, marriage, education, job etc.In our Indian society everyone wants to know everything from the time we are kids to until our kids gets married and they to should have kids too, its a long long story.

I feel so better after writing here, I feel so stress free, we cant speak to people who wont understand us even if we can speak to people who understand us they may feel we are going crazy or we are bad as a person, I sometimes feel we are alone in this journey and this blog is stress buster. Here who ever wants to read can read, or if they don’t want to read they can just leave or they can come back and read when then would like to read.So no one is compelled to listen to my story but for me its a great place to vent out my frustrations of this journey.

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Ok I think I have written too much emotional posts, actually as I have written in previous posts this cycle is break cycle, just trying naturally so no medicines  or anything. It feels it such long time to wait. Will meet my Gynecologist on Wednesday to speak about lap. after lap my both doctors will tell what should be done next.Then will  also meet RE next week .Got my blood work done yesterday, they took so much blood for so many things sigh, BH will get it done tomorrow, I am waiting for my blood results specifically AMH. Just pray for me. Thank you.

 

 

 

I am always thinking….

……………………about my ttc journey, my infertility journey. It is indeed  a long journey , a frustrating journey which makes us a different person in a bad way and also in a good way. As I sit here in our holiday home instead of enjoying the peace and serenity of the place, but my thoughts are always around ttc, I try not to show it to others, I enjoy many others things in life, I try to distract myself by my favorite baking sessions, cooking different cuisine, meeting people,travel, watching movies, even when I am doing all this ttc is in the back of my mind.This being a break/natural cycle its not doing any good.

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I was not like this, but when we started my treatment seriously last year July (before that you can check our journey ) I think a lot about ttc and ttc thoughts are always at the back of my mind, I cant help, I cant let go off it. When you see me in person you wont know the pain I am undergoing I am such a amazed actor which this infertility journey has thought me.

I am not ME,I am a totally different person this needs another post altogether, this infertility journey has changed me. I am sacred to hear pregnancy announcements, yeah you read it right I am scared to hear that, when I know someone is going to announce their pregnancy I just want to run away from that person/place. At this point of time I am surrounded by many pregnant women, very close people are pregnant. I try to be normal as much as possible.

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In the Indian society when your married we need to give good news(baby news) within a year or we are just wasting time or whatever. Luckily I have not faced much cause I come from a slightly broadminded family, but the society we have grown up makes us feel low, even though people don’t tell me on the face, but I know people talk behind me.I have got advice when to try , what positions are better, how long we should be on bed after intercourse, what not sigh, these advice’s were given even when we were  not trying for the baby , we were just married sigh this Indian society.

Those baby showers, naming ceremonies, weddings every where you go they ask about your baby. I am tired… half the year there were three baby showers, all of them are close so helped them , one was my own brothers wife’s baby shower, I was the one who ran around organizing it, I was mentally and physically tired and I was also on my  first clomid cycle, but that’s life isn’t it.

There is so much I want to write about how this infertility journey has changed me, sometime I question myself if I am turning into a bad person , then I realize I am not bad the situation makes a person a good or bad and it depends how the opposite person takes it or how the situation is handled.Think I have ranted too much but I feel better.

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Spirituality and Infertility – 1

DISCLAIMER 

I always wanted to write about my spiritual  journey and how I became more spiritual with/ because of this infertility journey. As far as I remember I was always spiritual, but in between I was lost and  I was not  spiritual (but deep inside me I was spiritual, maybe I was not showing it out  or maybe I was sad) due do many things its a long story for another day.

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Then this unfortunate  journey of infertility made me more spiritual. I am glad this journey has made me more spiritual than I  was before, I don’t blame God at all for this tough journey he has given me.I believe in karma, so I have left it to God. I can only pray that’s all, the miracle he has to do, but I believe in him he will do it when my time comes, but this waiting for MY time is frustrating and  it is never ending.

I was and I am crazy when my infertility treatment started, I started doing all pooja/prayers. This time I wanted my treatment with Gods’s blessings.I feel along with my treatment prayers will make my miracle happen.In between all this my BFF (Best friend forever) sent me a link of pre-conception meditation . Do check out the link if you believe in the pre-birth commucation,

After I saw the video and also meditated listing to it there was no looking back , the world of pre-birth communication opened to me, it is such a wonderful feeling. The meditation calms you makes you feel good, at least for me I felt really nice.There is more about my spiritual and pre-birth communication journey that’s why it will be posted in many parts.

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PS: If anyone who reads this and does not believe please don’t  believe but don’t write any negative comments, thank you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The New RE

So I finally meet the new RE, I was actually scared to meet a RE , util now I have only met a gynecologist  for all the treatments, so maybe since I don’t know how it will be with RE I fear I guess don’t know . First they postponed my meeting with RE on Monday to Wednesday. I was worried and not feeling fine on Tuesday to meet RE, I thought will postpone on next Thursday or Friday, I almost decided to move the meeting day to next week,then again decided against it, cause the more I postpone the meeting the more I will feel worried and I don’t know how to explain that feeling hope you understood what all this TTC journey, infertility journey makes us feel sigh.

I had a appointment at 11.45 am, I was there at 11.40 am , first they took all my old reports  and wanted to know who referred me there, after that they took such a long time to register.Then I was send to one room, where a lady created my ID , took all my details where I stay , what me and BH does , then she checked my weight and height, then she told me to empty the bladder and wait ugggg. I hate TVS  (Trans vaginal scan) scans.

Then I meet a junior doc, she took all my details, I told about my ttc journey , my treatments and all. She told me to wait again with empty bladder, but I was sure that the RE wont check me, cause I had just come for second opinion on laparoscopy .

Then I was called in to meet THE RE, she asked me again about my ttc journey and she was like ,why did you take such a long time to take treatment, we had our reasons I gave her some reason. She told she wants to check me to check If my eggs are good, that’s the  TVS scan I asked her if it was necessary at this point of time, she told , we women don’t produce eggs like how men can produce  semen all there life time, we are born with eggs and it decreases as we grow old, for some the egg will be less even at 25 or 30 , so it depend on each women, hesitatingly  I went for check up. Then after  check up she told my eggs are good for my age, on right ovary I had one dominant follicle and many on left , She told me to get AMH test for myself to know about my eggs via blood work too. Then she told me to do get some more blood work for me and BH and also SA for BH in there hospital only, she told they can give better result then any other lab cause they are infertility clinic. Then we better get lap done and decide whether we go for IUI or IVF directly.

So next week all the blood work and BH’s tests will be done then will be meeting her again before lap and then the next course will be decided after lap only. So lets see how it goes.

 

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Meeting a new RE

So tomorrow I will be meeting a new RE referred by my Gynecologist/doc. My doc wants me to take a second opinion on whether to get laparoscopy (lap) to be done or try something else before getting lap done. Then I have to meet my doc and tell what  the new RE has told me, so there is nothing much here but I am scared and worried what the RE might tell seeing my report, also no tabs this cycle its natural cycle so I don’t know what I am doing wasting a cycle , I feel, what’s the use of me feeling anything I don’t know what plans God has for me, I know I am thinking too much , worrying too much but I don’t know hat to do.

Everything is getting postponed, first my doc is not in town until 23rd, then the new RE postponed her appointment to tomorrow , natural cycle this month and I have irregular periods sometimes, so I think that my period might come late with all the stress, I don’t know what to do. I am trying to stay calm but its not happening, will update here after meeting RE.

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