Fertility Warrior Q&A

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I have been tagged and asked by two friends, Infertility & life  and Strength through Infertility, to contribute to raising awareness of infertility & childlessness.  Which was started by Post IVF world . The idea is that bloggers answer a set of 10 questions about their own infertility experiences and then add an extra question that we think others may find useful.  In the end there should be a huge amount of information available for people to access which in turn should help raise awareness.I will also tag a few fellow bloggers and ask them to take part if they would like to.

So, here are my answers

Are you male of female?

Female

Where are you in your infertility journey?

As of now I am on a break after Hysteroscopy with laparoscopy surgery ,which was done last month and before that three  failed clomid cycles. I will be starting my first IVF maybe in November or December, I am not sure,because it depends on my AFP culture test for which I am still waiting ,which sometimes I feel was not necessary at all .

What is your infertility diagnosis if you have one?

Last month Hysteroscopy and laparoscopy surgery was done and the doctors discovered that both my tubes have been blocked. In February this year when HSG procedure was done only one tube was blocked, now after six months both tubes have been blocked I don’t know how. also long back when I was in late teens or early twenties  have been diagnosed with pcos/pcod.

A slight male factor too, BH’s sperm count is good but morphology and motility have slight issues for which he is taking tabs.Now I am  just in waiting period which is very frustrating.

How old were you when you got your diagnosis and how old are you now?

In my late teens or early twenties I am not sure I had/have been diagnosed with pcos/pcod, Tube blocks was known last month.I am 33 years old.

What do you do to keep your spirits up on the tough days?

I write, writing about my infertility journey is made my life easier, because I can vent out my feelings and feel light.I can take out the negativity out form my system when I write here. I go window shopping, the best therapy. I am very spiritual  person so I pray, meditate and just believe in God.Thanks to this infertility journey I have made some beautiful friendships, some through blogging, some via online community and some during my hospital visits. So when in doubt are low I have so many people to hear me. We travel and mostly escape to our holiday home, just me and BH. I also wish there was a support group here in India, people don’t talk much openly here about infertility, so that’s the one thing I want to do or maybe there is a support group which I don’t know, if anyone know please send me the link, thank you.

How do you feel you have been treated by medical professionals?

In 2014 I had not got period for three months, but had spotting/bleeding and bad stomach ache, so went to meet a gynecologist, the worst gynec ever I have met, the way she spoke to me I thought I was going to die soon , I din’t know what health issue I had, even now after three years I don’t know what health issue it was at that time. Later after few months when I went for second opinion the new gynec told I do not have any major problem sigh, it was the worst time of my life.

Last year in July I started going to a different gynecologist the best doctor I have ever met, thank God for that.Then my gynecologist referred me to RE in July this year.I have RE only twice, so I still need time , but in those two time I felt she was good, also there is a in house counselor so I actually felt nice speaking to her, so lets see how its goes after my next visits.

Have you been offered support of any kind?

Until now, I haven’t got any kind of support , I support myself by being strong, but as I have said in my previous reply that the in-house counselor at the clinic makes me feel its going to be ok,lets see how its going to be in future.

 

How do your issues effect you on a day to day basis?

It effects me a lot, sometimes too much, but from past few weeks  or a month.I am trying to be strong, yeah only from few weeks, but I don’t know how long I can be strong.There are days I just want to be all alone, I don’t want BH also to be with me, its just me and my loneliness sigh, what all this infertility makes us.When someone is going to announce there pregnancy, I take time to digest the fact, then congratulate them.Sometimes I get afraid to congratulate because who knows something happens after we congratulate and then they blame us. Yeah I  am paranoid of congratulating pregnant women this is because of the Indian society I feel , even thought nothing has happened like that until now, and we are more liberal compared to few older generations but I am scared that’s it. When we go for get-together’s, family pooja’s etc my cousins, family and friends pity on me I think, that I don’t have kids, but I don’t want that Pity please.Then these baby showers and naming ceremonies uff, I don’t want to go there, if we go people ask when is our turn, if we don’t go they think we are jealous sigh, life is tough, even more with infertility.

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If you could tell yourself something back when you were first diagnosed, what would it be?

Its not going to be easy, no matter what do ,you have go though all those procedures and pains, try to be strong and start your journey now(I feel I should have started to take my infertility seriously and started my treatment soon)anyways its better late then never.

 

Are you open about your infertility? If so, has this helped?  If not, is it something you think might help?

Yes we are open about our treatment only with close family and friends. In India close family means obliviously my parents, sibling, BH’s parents and sibling, but  its also means my moms siblings, dads siblings, few  of my cousins and not much on BH’s side because my MIL does not prefer talking about my treatments , that’s what I want too I am ok with my side people knowing but not BH’s.

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In a way it has helped a lot some try to understand me and don’t ask me about my treatments, but there are few go on asking about my treatments its irritating at times and at times I am ok and explain to them what’s happening in my infertility life.Then writing this blog has made my life better because I can vent out here, whenever and whatever and feel fine, also knowing I am not alone and I do have  a great support who are also in the same journey.

What advice would you give to someone about to embark on treatment?

I don’t know if I can give any advice I am still new here, hopefully I will get advice when I am going to start my IVF , but I want to tell one thing if you already know you have pcos/pcod please don’t go to a gynecologist and waste your time just go to a Reproductive endocrinologist, this is  just my suggestion it might work different ways to different people.

So that’s the end of my answers.

Now I tag the following bloggers to do the same, no pressure here only if they would like to:

The Moon and Back

Eleanor

addra – Seeking, health and fitness

Positive Thinking

Elena-My journey through life, infertility and the universe

Doggie Bags not Diaper bags

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THE SIX WEEK WAIT

Disclaimer :: please read the DISCLAIMER before reading my blog posts.

Yeah you read it right, it’s a six week wait for that AFP culture test result. I wanted to update immediately after my meeting with the gynecologist this Monday, but life has many twists right also Its navrathri  from yesterday and Dusshera  here so was a bit  busy and  also the result I wanted is yet to come. There was and still so much confusion  and drama by the receptionists, there are so many receptionists there sigh. What I wanted din’t happen that day at all.Now I need to wait until 17th October hopefully I will get my final reports on that day at-least.

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I don’t know whether I was wrong or the hospital staff confused me or maybe the nurse who told me to come on 17th was confused and she confused me too, so much confusion here right.On Monday when I went to the hospital first I went to take my report they told it will be given to me in few minutes, but it dint happen and  I had to meet my doc on the appointed time, so the receptionist told me its better I go and  pay the consultation fee and wait since my appointment time was getting over and she will send my report directly to the doc, so I went paid and sat there waiting for my turn and reports.

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Then I heard my name being called and thought my reports have come, so I went and was told that the report will  come in the evening. I was pissed off, I was so much waiting  for that darn report and here again I need to wait. I tried to be calm and thought ok I will come on Wednesday and meet the doc and spoke to the receptionist,I  told her if they had told me when the report exactly will come I would come at time and and I would not  have wasted my time. money and energy  here doing nothing, the feeling I cannot explain when they told my reports are yet to come.

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I was angry so they directly called the lab technician and he spoke to me which I did not understand, so he told he will come and speak directly to me. The lab technician told my reports will come only after six weeks not two weeks, I was pissed off and angry at the same time, first I thought I will know about the reports in two weeks and after two weeks first they told the result will come in a day and now this is too much I had to wait four more weeks after waiting two weeks before this sigh.Then he explained that they will grow the tissue / smear or whatever it is and then its positive or negative  result will depend on whether it grows or not . that’s the culture test the lab technician told me, so now again the most frustrating waiting game starts again, please pray for me again that all my reports are fine  and I can start IVF soon. I am trying to be patient as much as possible.

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The Amazing Support….

Disclaimer :: please read the DISCLAIMER before reading my blog posts.

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I have always written about negative people in my life in this blog , so I thought I must write here about the amazing support I have here, from this blogging community, friends from Indus- ladies forum, few close friends and  of course my BH , mom, mil , cousins and few more from my  family.There are so many un-supportive  people but this post is not about them,  its  about the support that is making my journey bearable .I always felt I am alone in this journey and people who have not gone though this infertility journey will never understand.

Sometimes I fight with my mom and mil when they suggest/advice me on infertility treatments , they have no intentions to hurt me but those advice’s are not necessary for me because  they do not know about infertility journey and its treatment too, I  just get angry sometimes and yell at them,but I know they feel helpless sometimes and talk too me so I am sorry Ma and MIL if I  hurt you, but still I want to add that they don’t know how it feels, they don’t even know how it feels every month or years we keeping hoping it will happen and that its a never ending frustrating journey  that only we can understand.

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There are few people who even though have no idea about this infertility journey and nor do I want them to experience it, but they try to understand and I really appreciate it and I am really happy about those people in my life. My cousin T had a baby in Feb she is one person who never made me feel that she got pregnant easily and she see’s me as strong person, that I can handle anything but only I know that I am breaking everyday, ok that’s not the point but she knows how to make me feel better. My BFF R is one person feels for me, but when she came to know about out TTC woes, she was not able understand me,I was very hurt when she said “just relax” “it’s God’d will” “it will happen” etc but now she thinks before she speaks and tries to understand me.

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Then there is S from Indus-ladies who encourages me , understands me, supports me and when I am afraid of the procedures the way she makes those so minute and very smaller than the result  which our baby is and the relief I feel after speaking I cant describe in words, I just love here for that, we hardly know our real names or anything but I feel so good chatting with her. Then there is one more person from Indus-ladies D where we both are almost sailing in the same boat and we are still getting to know each other.Then the amazing blogging community who never make me feel that I am alone at all those comments make my day, I love your support , those posts, comments  and when I have doubts you clear those it is such a great support, thank you all.

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Update: Today I will be meeting to get my reports on whatever pending reports after Laparoscopy which I have mentioned in my last post, so will know what next in this irritating journey.will update more soon.

 

 

 

What next ?

What next is the biggest question I have at this point of time in my life,even though I know  that my doctors  have told IVF is the only option I have right now. I am also preparing for IVF  mentally, Physically and financially, but this waiting game is frustrating.I wonder how people cope with this waiting game, especially when you want something the most but its delayed due to so many factors which are known and unknown to us, so it  makes the waiting more worse than anything in life.

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I met my gynecologist yesterday after a week to remove my stitches, I had to go on Saturday but could not go due to some other reasons.Removal of stitches was ok near the abdomen but near my navel it was a bit painful only for few minutes, it was done by some junior doctor. later my gynec came to meet me where I was lying down after removal of the stitch. As I had told in my last post that both my RE and gynec had discussed that if my right tube is blocked according to my Feb HSG  report and if my right tube was causing any problem for conceiving than to remove the right tube.

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My gynec decided not remove my right tube since both my tubes are fine, only its blocked that’s it, so she decided to tell my RE its not necessary to remove the tube and it wont have any bad effect during IVF.

My meeting with gynec went well, she told  me that my tubes are fine and it can open in future and she spoke to my RE when I was on operation table that its not necessary to remove the tube so I am a bit relived, so my tubes are fine and in my uterus, also I have heard that tubes  usually closes and opens depending on our diet or our Karma or our luck. One of my cousin conceive after eight years on her fourth IVF and conceived naturally next one within two years, her tubes had opened and it was miracle baby two for her.

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OK now if you read until now and wondering why I have that question on what next ?when I know it is IVF, but they have sent my some blood sample,endo lining and smear and what not I  don’t know for testing some

AFB  BACTEA Culture

AFB Smear

AFB Culture 

AFB Culture (Identification)

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Then something specimen source  and smear is sent by tissue and that result is Acid fast Bacilli NOT SEEN its written in the report so that’s fine I think.I know I should be stress free and talk to  about these to my doc but I cant wait. I think here in India they do this test to check to find out genital TB because it will be difficult to conceive or  during IVF embryo wont implant due to TB (this I read in some trying to conceive forum, written  by somebody who  had done these tests during there treatment for infertility)so if its positive they give treatment for three or six months and then when its cured they find out by endo biopsy and start IUI or IVF whatever next. So I will be meeting my gynec to get my report on AFB culture and then will meet my RE to start IVF maybe form October or November. So please pray for me all is fine and I can start with IVF soon.

 

 

Done with Hysteroscopy and Laparoscopy

I am sitting here with slightissh pain after the Hysteroscopy with Laparoscopy (hystero-lap).I am tired  and have slight pain in my tummy and shoulders.I was so scared last week until this was done, now I am relieved that its done and I am here sitting and typing about my experience.

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I went at 6 in the morning and came back at 9. pm.I was feeling ok by evening, but due to billing formalities it took long time. and by the time I was home it was darn late.I just wanted to be in bed.

They did  HSG again, hysteroscopy and laparoscopy. They basically did HSG again to check if my right tube is really blocked as I said in my previous post, they wanted to to either unblock or clip my right tube if it was creating problem for me to conceive.I still can’t understand, why last time they told that only right tube was blocked and left was fine , but now they are telling both are blocked, why dint they find out last time only, I would not have wasted my time, money and energy from last seven months.My karma I guess I have to go thought all this.

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I need to meet my gynecologist on Saturday to remove the stitches, they have made small cuts near the  navel and in my lower abdomen, that’s little painful and I get like a lighting feel kind of pain near my abdomen and on the sides of abdomen, has anybody felt like that who have undergone hysteroscopy and laparoscopy, please let me know.

I think they have sent my endometrium lining and others (whatever it is which I don’t know) for biopsy and tests, I don’t know when I will be getting results for those, so when I go to meet my doc on Saturday I know about those, hopefully everything is fine and I can go head for the next steps.IMG-20170827-WA0013

 

The most shocking result was when my doc came to meet me after I gained conscious, she told that both my tubes are blocked and IVF is the solution. My doc spoke to my mom who accompanied me and told her that she tried it very hard to unblock the tubes,but she could not do that, so it is IVF for me, I still need to digest the fact. I thought at least we will do two IUI’s but God has other plans for me I guess.Hopefully my other reports will be fine and they will be fine I guess or my doc would have told then itself if there were other problems, I am trying to be optimistic and be mentally ready to start IVF process.

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Hystero-Laparoscopy

 

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I met my doctor again on Wednesday, did some more tests Echo and X ray, last week too she had told some blood work, met anesthesiologist too,  all reports are fine, and I am told I am all good to go for the surgery. I have mixed feelings. Hystro-Lap is scheduled on Monday.

 

Hystero-Laparoscopy is done under anesthesia  so I am ok with that, but my doc told if I have any problem in my uterus they will do Laparotomy and clear it off, but I am worried and hopefully everything will be finished with  Hystero-Laparoscopy. I am really worried what if it is laparatomy. I am just very nervous, because its a big surgery is what I have heard and read.

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Update:- Today the junior gynecologist called me,she told that since my right tube is blocked according to my HSG report, they will check again during Hystro-lap, if its really blocked, they will try to rectify it, if is really bad and not helping me for conception(this I really did not understand) means they will remove my right tube, that’s what my gynecologist and RE have discussed, the junior gynecologist told me.

The junior gynecologist told me that she did not want to shock or frighten me by telling on Monday morning when I go for the surgery, so she had to tell me about my right tube.I asked her about Laparotomy she told me  not to worry, only in the rarest of rarest case Laparotomy is done and not to worry. In case if I have any problem at all then they might go for it  or else most of the time its  not needed at all, they just want my consent before they put me under anesthesia. They suggest everyone who’s goes though hystro-Lap before hand to be ready for Laparotomy, but that’s makes anyone nervous right.

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Almost all the people I know get pregnant so easily , and here I am doing so many things even before and struggling  to get pregnant. Suddenly with all these invasive methods I get really very scared and feel like stopping everything, then I feel that stopping without even trying means giving up totally, how can I leave all this when I have come this long in this journey, its very exhausting  and frustrating journey.

I am just too confused , afraid , feeling low and lonely. I just want to leave it all to God and trust him and that’s all I can do.I just pray  to God to give me the strength that’s all.   If  anybody has done Hystro-Laparoscopy / Laparotomy let me know, how it was for you and what  was the results positive or negative , whatever do let me know.

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Sometimes I wonder what is happening in my life……………

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PS; First of all I want to tell you all that my brothers wife gave birth to a healthy boy baby on Tuesday 29th august , I am very very happy for them. The baby is so very cute I cant take out my eyes from him.