The State of my Mind

DISCLAIMER

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I am in a phase of life where the my state of my mind is all confused, angry, sad, happy to an extent too, all mish-mash like this post. I just want to take it out of my system. I wanted to write this post form past few weeks but something or the other would come up and could not write, before you start reading this post I want to warn you because this is a long rant so if your already in a low mood or nothing is going right in your life right  now just ignore and don’t read this post.

When I started IVF treatment I was very positive and all, before starting it was a very different story ,those who been reading my blog would know it. Once all was fine and my injections started I was in a very positive frame of my mind, but obviously was worried if my follicles were growing fine, how many eggs were retrieved ,how many were mature, how many made it to embryo stage , then to day 3 to day 5 to blastocyst  uff, it was never ending but I was some what confident  and things were looking good.

Then came came the major downfall, my lining saga until now it is never ending, all my positivity has gone to the drain, when I started my treatment in this clinic (I want to reveal my clinics name will do it soon, it might help people in Bangalore who want to know  or read the reviews before proceeding their, the clinic has several branches throughout India and has good success rate I have heard lets see how it for me and my friend F.), ok coming back to the original topic when I started the treatment in the clinic, after the my first appointment with the RE I met the counselor.Later when it was confirmed that I would start my first IVF there, I met the counselor after my consultation with RE, she spoke to me very nicely and I felt nice and felt good that I chose this clinic for IVF.I never checked online about the clinic or did nothing about knowing the clinic because it was referred by my Gynecologist, I just went there that’s it.

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Why I am writing about this here is because after that one counselling  session, there was nothing do with the counselor, she would ask me or my friend how we were or whats going on once in a while when we would be waiting in the clinic to meet the RE,  that’s it nothing much. When nothing is progressing with the IVF because of my lining issues and my friend F’s loss which I mentioned here.

Luckily for me and my friend we had  each other, and for me this blog friends support and few more from infertility forum whom I could vent out and get beautiful response, so I am ok, but sometimes I feel its better to meet a professional counselor, here in India counseling is looked down upon but I am in search of a good counselor lets see how it works.

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Why I am writing all this you must be wondering, I am a very strong person, even now I am fine, doing everything I enjoy, doing what I want or I would not even blogged this and  try to take it out of my system, after my lining issues, my friend’s loss, one of my friends 2nd transfer failure , one more friends treatment is not going as expected, another friend dint get any embryos to transfer,failures everywhere, I sometime wonder if this IVF is ever going to work, I am not a pessimistic person, but all these failures are making me feeling low and losing hope. I am wondering is this thing called IVF is ever going to work, I also know many people who have had success with IVF and my own first cousin had her first baby via IVF, but sudden failures from all quarters has made me think like this, I know this phase too will be over,maybe my hormones are on work I was on BCP (birth control pills for down regg) until yesterday, so now I wait for the grand AF to arrive, and go for a baseline scan on day 2 ,to start prepping for the ERA test, and I am done with the rant.

If you have read until here, thank you and also from April I am a part of A to Z challenge check here, so you will see me writing more posts,and my ERA teat  prepping  update.

A to Z Challenge April 2018

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I always wanted to be a part of A to Z challenge from the time I came to know about it, but it never happened, this year I decided that I will take up this challenge, so I just signed up, anyone who wants to be a part of the challenge can sign up here. Why I wanted to write this time is mainly because of creating of awareness about in-FERTILITY.

Do check the link and if anyone want to be a part of the challenge do sign up and link back to me so that I can check out your posts, the more we write and open up about our infertility journey more better. In April you will be fed up with my posts, because everyday I will be posting apart form weekends and some days maybe two posts. I will be writing all about a to z about infertility so stay tuned.

Blog Anniversary and much more

DISCLAIMER

I have been MIA from almost three weeks, last year when I started this blog in March I just wrote the first post and vanished until July end. I think in march something happens to me and I don’t write much or nothing atall and yes It’s been a year since I started this blog, I started this blog on March 7th 2017, I wanted to write a post on my blog anniversary day but I have been caught with the twists and turns of life.

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The new plan was working to an extent,my follicles were growing fine, two dominant follicle’s were their but my RE was not satisfied with my lining and she does not want to risk my embryos. Anyways I wanted one full month of drug free and it has happened like the way I wanted. This month from day 15 I am on BCP’s(birth control pills) until 28th March. Then next month on day 2 I need to go for baseline scan, my RE told this cycle will be medicated but with injections and ERA test will be done,then it takes 3 weeks to get the report from Spain, and they will delay my periods so that I will get my period somewhat exact timing of the reports and they can start my FET, so according to my RE, my transfer will be in May, and I am praying that it will work this time.

I had started my acupuncture sessions, and few supplements but it did not help my lining, it might help few people not me.In between I took a second opinion form a different branch of which ever clinic I am going with a different doc, she saw my reports told that I have good embryos and also my lining grew fine in natural cycles and clomid too, maybe progynova tabs wont work for me and some people wont respond to estrogen tabs, she told injections will work for me, my uterus is normal and all, so I am relived, so planning to go with the flow as my doc, the new doc told that same thing going with the flow.

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Then as usual like this typical generation I started googling what ERA is done for, in all the pregnancy and IVF related forums, I read its done for implantation failures, and here I have not even have done one Embryo Transfer (ET), I was confused and worried, I was thinking that she is doing this test just for doing it and nothing else. When I consulted the infertility acupuncturist told about ERA she told that the test is not only done for implantation failure but also for persistent thin lining and your doc does not want to lose the good embryos, but I was not satisfied with her answer and was also not planning to do ERA at that time so left it their.

During my last visit to the clinic it was confirmed that I will be doing ERA next month, my RE also told that I can do ERA next month or wait for one more month, but I am already tired of the waiting game and told her that I will be doing ERA next month itself and asked her all my doubts, then after ERA , will my transfer happen next month after ERA or how what if is lining is still less, she told that’s the reason we do ERA we can know the receptiveness of the lining even if it is less, also with injections we can grow and one more reason she told indirectly was that, with injections and all that the lining will grow and they do not want to miss the window, so this test and in the end she told we will do everything to make you get pregnant but in the end I can give you 70 + 10 (for ERA).

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Once I was back home, again I started googling not the IVF or pregnancy or infertility forms but what ERA is and why, written and explained by doctors and clinics,so this time I read about just ERA not how who has gone through it , when ERA is done and for what its done, its done for two reasons one for obviously implantation failure and the other is for persistent thin lining, In my case she could have tried different method before ERA, but my be its my RE’s protocol I guess and I decided to go with a flow, sometimes we just need to believe and go with the flow.

On another note in one of the post about my friend F, she had transfer in Feb 3rd it was all positive, her beta was fine, but on the 7th week scan no heart beat, so she had to abort the baby, so this IVF/infertility journey is such a frustrating journey until we have our babies in our hand we will never know. If anyone has done ERA test do tell me how it worked for you thank you for reading until here.