The month of July 2018 – Part 2

DISCALIMER

If you have not read the first part read here… and here come’s the next read on…..

On 16th July I was excited  and nervous it was all mixed feeling, those who go through it will know it I guess. I had to be in the clinic by 10  am,but  due to whatever reasons I reached late by 10.45 am. Their was so much confusion on the way to the clinic, I was  also called by the receptionist to ask where I was. When I went to the clinic everyone was asking why late and all, I just went up stairs and  paid the money and come back to the transfer room.

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Still their was a confusion, if my transfer was under anesthesia or what,I had asked my RE sometime back that I would prefer transfer under sedation, but after my ERA test which also I had asked under sedation but I did it without the anesthesia so I was like if I  can  the painful ERA test without sedation , then I can do the transfer also without anesthesia.

I had not  discussed this with RE also after my transfer was confirmed, I also dint speak about sedation and my doctor also did  not speak anything so I was like my transfer will be done without sedation , so I had my breakfast and come to the clinic, their was so much drama and confusion why I ate breakfast and all .Then finally everything was sorted out, then I started drinking water to fill my bladder, my doctor was not satisfied with the water in my tummy , I was made to drink water on the transfer table.

At exactly 12.17 pm, my day 6, 2 Expanded blastocyst embryos were transferred.The transfer went smooth that’s what my RE told me, she  also wished me luck and told me no travel no intercourse and to come for BETA-HCG test after 12 days that was 28th July. take all the prescribed tablets without fail.I was also councelled by the in-house Councillor too.

I was overactive all the 12 days, I thought it would help for the blood flow in the uterus.I had almost all the symptoms, that was maybe because of progesterone.I had twitches mostly in the left side, I was hungry all the time from day 7 post transfer, I was tried and all, I was convinced I am pregnant on day 8 but I was scared to do a HPT(home pregnancy test).

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I Just manged to not to test until the ottd (on the test day). On 28th early morning I went to the clinic lab gave sample of my blood, and waited until 1.30 but I did not get any call, I called the clinic and waited until 2 pm, finally they called me and my RE told  sorry its negative, come and meet me next week and since we had two more embryos we will decide what we can do next, I was clam all the time when I got the news,because I know most of the first transfers don’t work, the most shocked was my BH, he was not able to believe it , but the that was the truth.

So my first transfer failed, now I am on a break for two months I am on BCP’s for two months.Their is much more to write will write soon.

M for Money Matters & MACS #A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

Money money money it is what you need for IVF or any infertility treatments, and these treatments are so so expensive. We cant help but pay from our pockets, and as I have written here in India their no insurance coverage for any infertility treatments.During infertility treatments, their is no guarantee that how much  ever your clinic quotes is the final amount, Its never ending until you have the baby in your hand.

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MACS test is done during IVF-ICSI. MACS test is another added expensive test., icsi is where they take the best sperm and inject in the egg for fertilization. If you opt for the MACS test, they use technology and the magnet picks the best sperm and that sperm is injected in the egg to fertilize.When this was suggested by my RE during my IVF-ICSI I was thinking again an added expense, but now its better thinking what all my friend F is going through, this treatment cant guarantee success, for that matter of fact any of the infertility treatments don’t give guarantee, it just increase the success rate.

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PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

The Break and FET – IVF Part 5 work in Progress

DISCLAIMER

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Hi all,hope all are having a great 2018. After my last post, the few people who read my blog must have wondered where I disappeared.I was just  totally lost in my own confused world, so before writing another post I wanted a break and know what exactly is happening with our first IVF cycle. I wanted to update after talking to RE so that’s why I am posting after a long time, I feel my last post which I posted, I  just posted in a hurry.The next day on day 5 , I had written probably fresh ET, read again probably, but that did not happen.

I wanted to get ET done under sedation, I had asked my RE if it possible, she told 95 % ET she does is not done sedation, only 5 % are done under sedation, but since I requested she agreed and told me to come on day 5, she told the same advice to eat sometime before 6.00am and nothing and no water until ET.

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On Wednesday 3rd Jan I fasted from 6.00 am, went to temple, but I had strange feeling that ET might not happen and in my dreams too,I would go to the clinic and they would tell that I have come late and so no ET today, I had the same dream two to three times. That was sign I must say.I waited for the call from clinic until 10.00 am,I called the clinic since I could not wait, they told  that RE was busy and they will  give a call in sometime.

I got the dreaded call, that my 5 embryos which they had left to grow (two day 3 embryos were first frozen in my 7 embryos and 5 were left to grow) only three were growing I felt so low. RE told that they were still in morula stage and they need to wait until it grows to blastocysts by day 6, I was so dejected, but at least 3 were growing and two best day 3 were already frozen, RE told she will update after day 6 one more day of wait. I called on day 6 to know, they told that  all three were growing good,they will wait until evening and then freeze so you can call next day.

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I called next day they told that they froze the best two, so now we have two day 3 and day 6 Expanded Blasts.Since my RE had told that they don’t do fresh day 6 embryo transfer, so it was FET (Frozen embryo transfer) for me. So mentally I was preparing to wait for more than a month, I was told to stop all the tablets and the progesterone pessaries and wait until I get period and go on day two to meet the RE.I had thought RE will check and give me BCP(birth control pills) for a month and then start  FET at the end of JAN or beginning of FEB, but everything changed.

I got period on 8th Jan, 5 days after of stopping those tablets that which were given for fresh transfer. I went to meet RE on 9th Jan, second day of my period, my RE scanned me the TVS scan and she told everything looks fine no cysts, but my lining was thick 7.2 mm on day 2 she asked me if I was bleeding properly, I told that I bleed properly by day 2 noon to day 3 morning, so she told come the on day 3, the next  day to check my lining and told me some blood work E2 and Progesterone and will decide on day three, my IVF cycle as always been confusing waiting game uff. So I gave my blood and prayed that everything should work out and was unnecessarily worried about my lining.

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In the evening I got a call from the clinic that my hormone levels are fine and that I can come and meet the RE for further investigations. I was happy and could not wait until the next day. On day three went to meet the RE, I waited and waited , on that day the clinic had too many patients.Finally my name was called, she first told that my hormones are fine now we need to check the lining, so again the bloody scan, she scanned and told no bilateral cysts and my lining had reduced to 3.9 mm so it was shedding fine.

 

I went back to her table she told everything looks fine we can go ahead with FET, I was nervous and excited. She gave the prescription, the regular vitamin  D tabs, Folic acid tabs and Progynova for 7 days 2 tabs (1 in morning and 1 at night) until 12th and from 13th 4 tabs (2 in the morning and 2 at night) until I meet her for day 10 scan. She told me not to miss on the timing of the tabs, if I take the tabs at 9.00 am, then I should take the other at 9.00 pm, it should be exactly 12 hour gap.I will be meeting my RE on 17th day 10 and will know what next.This IVF is made me know that  being patient  is the only choice we have and nothing else.

IVF – Part 4

DISCLAIMER

Happy new year to all my readers, have a great year ahead and hope all dreams come true and hold out babies soon. All the TTC ladies are in my prayers.I still can’t believe its 2018. Last Jan when I was in the middle of the infertility treatment, I was still in those beginning phase of the treatment and was so sure will conceive in one of those clomid or one of the IUI’s, but the universe had some other plans I guess. As I type this, still there is no baby in my belly. I could have been PUPO(Pregnant Until Proven) by yesterday but I asked my RE for day five transfer.

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Ok coming back to the part 4 of out IVF, on 29th  Dec 2017 on the auspicious day of Vaikunta Ekadhasi according to our Hindu calendar, my egg pick up/retrieval (ER) was done by 1.30 pm, according to my trigger shot timings of 35 to 36 hours.I was praying that I should get at least 12 to 15 eggs, but we got only 10.In the morning before ER BH had to give fresh SA, but he had to give it soon , as he had some important meeting , so there was so much confusion but finally the embryologist agreed to give it sooner and BH gave the fresh sample left, even though there was frozen back up, that morning confusions was very taxing.

After the ER , when I woke up, RE came up to me and told that they got 10 eggs, lets see how the fertilization is, we will know about it tomorrow and went away before I could ask any questions.I was very angry about myself that I got only 10, by then my friend F came to meet me,  about whom I have mentioned   here and here. My friend told why are you even feeling bad when others don’t even get a egg or more less than yours, I was like I am worried about me I din’t want to compare  myself with anyone at that point.Anyways I felt better speaking to her.

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When I was declared fine by the duty doctor to go home,RE had  prescribed some tabs until I meet her on Monday day 3, seeing those tabs , my friend F told you might have fresh transfer, I was like it cant be, but those tabs were for readying me for the fresh transfer. I was confused and shocked cause I had prepared myself mentally for FET. I have written about it here so many times.I am on vaginal progesterone and one more tab I don’t know the name the other tablet for preparing for ET, those tabs are making me feel confused, heart burn,nauseous and very tired.

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I left the clinic praying all of our  eggs to be fertilized and not to think about the ET (Embryo Tranfer). Until the next day I was so darn nervous, until I got to know about our fertiliation. The report was 9 eggs were mature and 7 had fertilized, that was a ok news o me, I was ok fine. Then prayed that they all grow fine, praying was the only choice I had, that’s what I did on the last weekend of 2017.

Monday JAN 1 st 2018, I went to the clinic, the junior doc did the scan, she told my lining is good and after ER there was some fluid  in the utreus, that fluid was also not there everything was looking good , so they wanted me to do day three transfer.I was not able to react, I asked can we do day 5 transfer, the blastocyst transfer,they were like we will check with RE and then decide.

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I met the RE she was busy with ER with other patients, she said.She told that success rate does not vary much, most of my patients have had success with day 3 transfer, decide what you want and called the embryologist. The embryologist showed me the report, all 7 were going good on day 3,only one was slight behind but that also was good grade, they told it might catch up.

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This was the first time in my life that I took decision without consulting BH / mom/ mil or anyone,and the decision was made within a minute, I just told, that mentally blastocyst  transfer would be fine for me.Now tomorrow I will know how many have made it to blasts.RE suggested that if I want day 5 transfer then freeze two day 3 embryo which are actually really good,remaining 5 we can let it grow, in case we lose all during the day 5 we have two day 3 back up, so fingers crossed that all five grow on day 5, and I can get done with ET tomorrow, my friend  F told that even her  few d grade embryo grew until day 5, mine was grade b embies so it should grow fine she told, I was nervous after taking the decision she told just go with the flow it will work out. Please pray that my embryos grow and I can have ET tomorrow.

IVF – Part 2

DISCLAIMER

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Yes you read it right, finally our first IVF cycle started. What a never ending drama  it was even before I could start and how stressful my life life prior to out IVF cycle. Even on Saturday I was not sure if we will start, finally it started what a relief I must say. I don’t know, I am a bit calmer after all these few days of drama, and trying not to be stressed too much.

I was/have been diagnosed pcos/pcod when I was 18 or 19 years old, so cysts were always a part of me, but from last year when I started taking treatment with my gynecologist it was fine no cysts or maybe they were unnoticeable,even during my Hystro-laparoscopy noting was there,why oh why did it come now, that too, two of them.When I called RE’s clinic last Monday to tell that I have been spotting from Saturday they told me to come, for check up, that’s when she saw those two cysts, sigh!what road block,I had even before I could start.

The spotting also stopped from Monday evening, I din’t know what was happening to my body I felt my body was failing me again and again . I was trying to be calm, but I could not I was depressed, I stopped all the communications with all my support system I have. It was one of the most lowest period of my life I must say, I knew so many people who were going through IVF, everyone were, either starting or in between the cycle or egg retrieval stage and here, I was no where near it.

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I should have started on November 16th, but it was already December , and nothing was happening, I was totally lost, I had palpitations.God I cant even thing about last week. I did everything to get my period, to flow normally in natural ways like heat producing foods, exercise , yoga and meditation to keep myself calm. On Thursday I has stomach ache and slight flow in the evening, I was like I can go and meet RE next day but the bleeding stopped at night and no bleeding until Friday noon, I was going mad, then I just decided to leave it and move on , so decided to go to the parlour  for  a nice soothing  facial and pedicure so I can feel relaxed,when I was back home by 1.30 there was slight bleeding and by evening there was  proper flow.I did not book the appointment until I was sure. On Saturday there was proper flow and  I booked  the  appointment.

On Saturday when I went to the clinic ,there I met my friend F again. Whom I have mentioned in my previous post  . She had come to the clinic to know about how many embryos will be freezed, because in our clinic they don’t do fresh transfer, only FET is done. We spoke for a long time , she made me feel better and told you will start today and even she had cyst and they stated IVF for her even when it just spotted so be calm she told.Then when I went to meet RE, she told everyone in the clinic were tracking my periods sigh.

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I told about my period when it started and all, they did the TVS scan I don’t know  why this time it was very uncomfortable.Then mt RE told that there is persistent cysts so we need to do blood work again before we could start sigh, road block again, but the cyst had reduced compared to last scan. So I gave blood for  progesterone and estradiol test. They told they will call and tell whether I should come or they will prescribe BCP for a month after they get my blood work reports.

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I was waiting again, they did not call me until 4.00 PM, I called the clinic, they told me to come soon, your hormones are fine, you can start today, I just rushed to the clinic, my GOD so much drama it was, ok I have written too much here I guess, now I am off to the clinic to take day 3 cd 4 injections.Wish me luck.( Any grammatical mistakes just ignore I was in a hurry to publish and take of my system.)

LIFE & TIMES

DISCLAIMER 

I have been a bit busy with loads of things in life. Sometimes life give us such a twist or a jolt I must say.I wanted to write so much, I  wanted to update here as much as possible, but some times life just fully pulls you into its in unpredictable ways .I am not working as of now, I am glad I am and not working or looking after my dads business at this point of time. Actually that’s what I was doing before, but those things are changing for time being. My dads not well, and will be going for surgery on Monday, he neglected his health now its like he has to be operated to be fine.It is not a major or minor surgery, its something in between,so my dads doctor has told that he will be fine and not to worry so that’s a relief as of now.

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So yes, its a surgery for him and also I guess I will be starting my injection/simulations and scans and what not I don’t know at the same time I guess. I should get my period by Monday, sometimes my periods are irregular so I don’t know when AF will start and when I will start IVF. I have written and said this hundred times,  and I will say it again and again until I am done , I am excited and nervous at the same time for the IVF sigh.


UPDATES

Last week we had gone to the clinic to show some of my pending reports and BH had to give semen for freezing. Freezing is just a back up, he has do do it again😁 during egg retrieval, for fresh sample, sigh. When I asked them why twice🤔, they told sometimes husbands wont be able to give sample on egg retrieval day, they are nervous or whatever, that’s why back up they told.

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My reports sigh, its a never ending saga. In the hospital I did Hystro-lap  did not give TB PCR report, the explanation for that is if APF culture  is fine/ negative means everything  is fine and that’s what even RE told last time but still she wanted the report, anyways after speaking to hundred people in the hospital they told the same story that that is APF report is fine means they don’t do TB PCR test, and that they would reimburse the money which I paid for the test.

I went to the hospital  last Monday to get my money back, they told it will take two to three days, but  its more then two weeks I have still not got the money. I called this Wednesday,because I din’t get any call from the hospital, they told me to come on Friday but I am a bit busy today will be going tomorrow, hopefully without any drama they will reimburse my money.


As I said that I have been busy with so many things happening in life, yesterday I had a very nice break. I had to go somewhere, but it got cancelled at the last minute, so I went to parlor got a nice facial done, it was  so very relaxing. I came back home and no one was there at home, so saw a Hindi movie after such a long time, it was so so so… good and relaxing and I enjoyed the movie, without any interruption, then I slept nicely , got up made nice my favorite black coffee just people watched from balcony/patio it was a great day.

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My BFF forced me to tell Vishnu Sahasranaman , she felt it will do good for my IVF cycle spiritually. My BFF is in London from 4 years, but the distance has made no difference in our friendship, she keeps giving me spiritual advice’s and I am glad to have her as my friend  and we connect you see. I am already doing lot spiritually, prayers and poojas, but she told just recite Vishnu Sahasranamam, so I started it from last Monday, I feel very nice and calm, Thank you R.


Hopefully AF will start soon and I can start with IVF, this waiting game is very frustrating.It’s either waiting because of the blood, biopsy or whatever test reports, then the doctors or clinic mistakes, doctors timings and my own body which I don’t want to talk negative about. It’s CD 33 and I am still waiting for AF. Hopefully I will start soon :).

 

 

Never Ending ….

DISCLAIMER

Until I start IVF it is never ending reports and meeting the doctors. I knew all this but it feels never ending . I met RE on Monday, seeing my  AMH and BH’s semen analysis she told we’ll do two IUI’s if that does not work we can start IVF, she told this even before seeing my other reports. I told her that both my tubes are blocked , she was like “oh I did not see that”,So its IVF for you she told, I knew that thank you.

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Then she checked my other reports and told everything is fine, but I cant find TB PCR report and discharge summary after Hystro-laparoscopy , sigh. I had to go back to the hospital where my gynecologist did hystro-lap and get both those reports, it’s never ending I must say. When I went to the hospital to take my report first they told I will get the report in  ten minutes then , later they told it will come by evening. then next day never ending did I say.

Next day I called in the morning, they told they will call back in 10 minutes but I never got call until 3 pm, I called them and scolded them. At that time they are telling that if AFP culture, smear , tissue  whatever all the reports are negative/fine means PCR also will be negative so  they don’t test that and I can take back that money, I was relieved but also  irritated with all this, and felt so many hurdles before I start IVF.

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Ok coming back to my meeting with RE, she then explained that I will be starting IVF from second day of my period. They will be doing IVF- ICSI , even though BH’s SA is good. When I asked why? they told the success rate is more in ICSI. Then she told that since my AMH is good I might have chances of OHSS, I was shocked, but was just listening, she told there are Chances of OHSS but I can’t tell it will happen , don’t worry much we will take care of you that’s what she told I think. So maybe it wont be a fresh transfer, we will do FET cycle , but fresh transfer or FET will be know depending upon how my health will be at that time. Then I asked the doctor for IVF many people start with Birth Control Pills(BCP) why she is starting for me from just day 2  , she told that in other clinics they take control of your cycle when there are too many patients, but here we concentrate on less people , so we start with second day of your periods, that’s it.

Then met the finance person, got the details, she explained well . She split the amount for what  is for what and all.The total cost of IVF , plus some MACS test for selecting best sperm for ICSI,  cost for freezing the  embryo for 4 , if there are more than four , again some more thousands of  rupees  sigh, then extra more  money if it is FET cycle . The injections can be taken by the nurse in the clinic she told, if my home is near, so mostly those injection days I  will be going to clinic daily I think so, even though the clinic is just 7 to 8 KM, but in this Bangalore traffic it will take 30 to 45 mins in non peak traffic time, so mostly the timing will be between 11 am to 12 pm noon.

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Then met the in house counselor who spoke very nicely, I felt good. She told me eat good food, not to eat out, walk as much as possible, yoga , pranayama , not to fall sick and in general spoke very nicely made me feel better, she also told I could speak to her if I want to, also there was a infertility talk next day , she told I could come if I want too. I also told about my blog and a India Infertility group me and a friend are trying to start so we can make others feel we are not alone. It was good.

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Tomorrow again I will be meeting  RE again to give the final reports and BH will be giving semen for freezing, he can give fresh semen during egg retrival too, this just for a back up and we are  paying for semen freezing obviously .This  has become a never ending post, hopefully my meeting with RE go fine and I should go next on day 2 of my period for starting IVF.I need your prayers.

 

INFERTILITY & …………………………MEN

DISCLAIMER 

No I am not writing/talking about male infertility diagnoses , I want to know how they feel and deal mentally / psychologically  with Infertility. How I wish I could know , how men deal with infertility. I want to know in general how men deal with it. I do not want to know when only  a man has  been diagnosed with infertility how he feels and deals with it. I want to know even if the problem is only  from the men’s side or  only  with the wife /spouse  or if both the husband and wife were diagnosed with infertility. I want to understand know how they feel and mainly how they deal with it. We women speak to our girl friends, there are online forums, of course blogging and many more outlets for women but what about the men.

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Whats in my BH’s mind, seriously I wonder whats in his mind most of the time. In our case I have more problem compared to his, like pcod/pcos, tube blocks, hormonal imbalance and what not, his SA is fine most of the time. Whenever we meet our RE she tells me in our case the  problem is main mine then BH’s , so I wonder how he feels and when people ask him when we are going to have kids, that too in our Indian society it difficult to handle such situations. for men its even more difficult.In the beginning they ask only women but after few years, even men are not spared, but more subtly then for women.

 

I asked BH how he feels with all this  monthly treatment( for me obviously)he told “I don’t know what to say”. I din’t pester him much. I know he feels bad every time I have to take tabs , go through those blood and urine work , invasive tests , surgeries whatnot. Sometimes he tells me to please stop it may effect my health and he gets angry why do we need to do so much, I just keep quite because, I know he feels for me at that moment and then realizes for what we are doing this.

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Then there are times he asks me when are we staring the IVF procedure.I wonder does he fully understand this journey, I guess I won’t know what he feels because I feel , men or my man does not want to talk much about this topic.When I carry babies in front of him or show my nephew/niece videos who were all born this year , he does not like it I don’t what I should think about this behavior of his.

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Wish he could be more understanding , more supportive not just coming to fertility clinic to give samples or for blood works, I know those are necessary but I need more support from him. I am not telling he is not supportive or always  be obsessive like me, but little more understating will be more better or maybe I am asking too much ,he is not always supportive, sometimes he just wants  it to be, let go for sometime, but I cant that , that’s why theses conflicts in me I guess, I think I should try and understand him. I don’t know what I am writing.If you have read this post until now, you’re great.

Anyways I would love know how your better half supports you and if not how you would want them to support you.

The long Weekend & the most wanted Break…..

Disclaimer :: please read the DISCLAIMER before reading my blog posts.

This six week wait is very annoying and I just wanted a break from the routine and as always  I write about my infertility journey in this blog. I sometimes think  or I am actually obsessed about my infertility journey, and those emotional rants because of this infertility journey which I keep posting here, but I can’t help I want my baby that’s all, that’s the one thing In my mind always, not matter what, my baby is always at the back of my mind, so jotting down my thoughts here makes me feel better.

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It was a long weekend here, because of Dusshera festival and October 2nd Gandhi Jayanthi holidays here In India. So we decided to go to our holiday home, which is three hours drive from our place. Usually only me and BH go there, this time my in-laws decided to come with us, I was ok and I was not ok. Our holiday home is where the famous Dusshera happens, so the place was all lit up, so much festivity around, it’s the place you have to be when you want to know and feel the rich culture of India.

Since in-laws were with us, we mostly did loads of temple trips. It was tiring and blissful at the same time I must say, I and MIL (mother-in-law) are very close, like best friends and sometime she is a typical MIL, sigh. One thing I want to write about this trip was, we had gone to a Venugopala Temple, it’s just half an hour drive from our home, but this time we went there after going to many temples from morning.

At the Venagopala Temple, I felt very nice and calm, I was at peace.The temple has large prahara (compound), like inside near the grabha griha, outside the temple and again third compound, it’s a big temple; usually South Indian temples are big and majestic. It was peaceful loads of water all around because its near KRS dam .

When we came out of the temple, fully outside of the temple, me and BH walked  around the temple, just walk a blissful walk  no speaking nothing at all, just peace no talking about TTC infertility journey or anything in this world, our silence spoke that’s all I know, one of those beautiful blissful moments of my life. I just wanted to write it here that’s why this post here, and read when I am low.These sentence can’t explain those few moments.

Then when  we were back home, I and BH  were talking about, how nice and relaxing time it was. Then I told him, how I  wish we had  our  little one round we would have gone behind her/him so that she/he does not get hurt, or go behind someone, or just to keep an eye on her/him, sigh infertility journey never gets out of our system I guess. Anyways I will leave you with the pictures; the pictures will speak more about Temple  and the Dusshera.

PS: these picture were clicked by Me and BH.

PS: Some of the pics were sent by friends and one from google.