Confused Mind

DISCLAIMER

How do I even start writing about this topic I don’t know,but I want to write and take it out of my system. Infertility treatments are all about decisions and decisions, life is tough it feels or are we complicating or infertility complicates life.I sometimes feel why do I have to go through this but do I have choice. I sometimes feel that with these infertility treatments we are stuck, we are not fully moving out of it or we are going more deeper and deeper, stuck in the complicated Chakravuyha.

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I stopped my BCP’s (birth control pills ) yesterday, it was officially the last pill. I have been taking these pills after my first failed FET , RE has suggested to take a month break and come, but I told her I would like to take two months, she suggested take three months too and come back ready for the second FET, I asked her the BCP’s since I have pcos/pcod, I wont get period regularly so I wanted the timing to be perfect, they prescribe two packs of pills, so that after failed FET I would get period and start pills from day 2 of the period and then again from day 2 of the next period, so now I am done with the pills and waiting for my period to start so that I can meet the RE to start mt 2nd FET protocol also I am done with the two months of break.

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Now you might be wondering what I have to decide everything is going smooth, nope I am scared , feeling lonely , worried, and lots of what if’s, what if this cycle does not work too, or if it works how am I going to take it.Last transfer I was excited and not that much worried, but this time I feel very lonely and scared.I don’t know why, I was so ready after the failed FET, but as the days are nearing I am confused, I have been asking questions myself if I should go ahead with this or wait some more time, maybe I am scared of another failure.

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I know I feel ready and after my last cycle I have been waiting for the 2nd FET to start but now when I am almost their why this worry and confusion I don’t know, do all the people who go through infertility treatments feel this way or I am the only one feeling like this. I just want to be ready before my period starts. I don’t want to be a zombie , just going for check up’s and following up. I want to be more involved and happy, I want to be strong. I can only pray to GOD to give me the strength and go with the flow.I don’t know whether this post is making any sense , I feel better after writing these confusions and taking it out of my mind, that’s what is blog for isn’t it , Thank you.

The month of July 2018 – Part 2

DISCALIMER

If you have not read the first part read here… and here come’s the next read on…..

On 16th July I was excited  and nervous it was all mixed feeling, those who go through it will know it I guess. I had to be in the clinic by 10  am,but  due to whatever reasons I reached late by 10.45 am. Their was so much confusion on the way to the clinic, I was  also called by the receptionist to ask where I was. When I went to the clinic everyone was asking why late and all, I just went up stairs and  paid the money and come back to the transfer room.

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Still their was a confusion, if my transfer was under anesthesia or what,I had asked my RE sometime back that I would prefer transfer under sedation, but after my ERA test which also I had asked under sedation but I did it without the anesthesia so I was like if I  can  the painful ERA test without sedation , then I can do the transfer also without anesthesia.

I had not  discussed this with RE also after my transfer was confirmed, I also dint speak about sedation and my doctor also did  not speak anything so I was like my transfer will be done without sedation , so I had my breakfast and come to the clinic, their was so much drama and confusion why I ate breakfast and all .Then finally everything was sorted out, then I started drinking water to fill my bladder, my doctor was not satisfied with the water in my tummy , I was made to drink water on the transfer table.

At exactly 12.17 pm, my day 6, 2 Expanded blastocyst embryos were transferred.The transfer went smooth that’s what my RE told me, she  also wished me luck and told me no travel no intercourse and to come for BETA-HCG test after 12 days that was 28th July. take all the prescribed tablets without fail.I was also councelled by the in-house Councillor too.

I was overactive all the 12 days, I thought it would help for the blood flow in the uterus.I had almost all the symptoms, that was maybe because of progesterone.I had twitches mostly in the left side, I was hungry all the time from day 7 post transfer, I was tried and all, I was convinced I am pregnant on day 8 but I was scared to do a HPT(home pregnancy test).

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I Just manged to not to test until the ottd (on the test day). On 28th early morning I went to the clinic lab gave sample of my blood, and waited until 1.30 but I did not get any call, I called the clinic and waited until 2 pm, finally they called me and my RE told  sorry its negative, come and meet me next week and since we had two more embryos we will decide what we can do next, I was clam all the time when I got the news,because I know most of the first transfers don’t work, the most shocked was my BH, he was not able to believe it , but the that was the truth.

So my first transfer failed, now I am on a break for two months I am on BCP’s for two months.Their is much more to write will write soon.

The month of JULY 2018

DISCLAIMER

Its been more than a month since I have written any post, I was too involved with many things happening in my life, every time I wanted to write I thought I will write later and then I would think ok let me  make sure before I post, but that never happened, and finally today I decided to write here.This post will be written in parts because loads of things happened in between.Those who read my blog know that I have lining issues which I have written here and here and many more times. When each time my cycle gets cancelled, I have cribbed and written here, and got  so much support, but the July cycle was decided and I decided to write once everything was done.

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Finally my lining was somewhat ok according to my RE and she decided to go ahead with Embryo Transfer (ET), according to my ERA test report,(you can check about my ERA time line and ERA result.) Its a long story but I want to document, why I want to document here I will write in the last part.So let me write in bullet points.

  • On 29th June AF arrived, I was excited because I knew this was the cycle finally my em-babies will be back where they have to be.The intuition you see.
  • on 30th June day 2 and day 1 according to HRT cycle . In the baseline scan everything looked fine, RE checked my Estrogen and progesterone because their was  a follicle, and told me to start my tablets once I get my report, by evening all my hormones were fine and I was told to go ahead and start my estrogen tablets and come on day 8 for lining check.
  • On day 8 my lining was 5.8 mm but triple line so, I went back again on day 11 for lining check and everything was going fine, so my RE followed ERA pattern and started progesterone from day 11 because I need 12 hours extra of progesterone.
  • Finally ET was confirmed on 16th JUNE.

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To be continued…..

 

 

E for Expectations # A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

We infertility warriors have loads of expectations with the treatment, obviously we have all the right to have expectations isn’t it,because with all the promises , guarantees and the money we invest, yes I call it investment.The infertility treatments are emotionally, physically and financially draining, but we go thought it because we genuinely  expect what is promised, that too the most wanted .When we start our infertility journey we think finally we will be getting answers, for why the hell we are not able to conceive.We will get few answers few even the doctor will not be able to tell, even the modern science does not have answers for certain things.

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When we started the treatment, I can specifically talk about IVF journey cause I am going through it right now, there different types of protocols and treatment depending upon each person and their issues regarding infertility.

So coming back to the topic when I told that I can have my own baby with IVF procedure I was on cloud nine, I was expecting this from my doctor, because I dint want any other procedure, which does not have that much success rate compared to IVF, IVF too has just 40 to 70 percent depending on each person, but better success rate then other procedures, so obviously we will have the exceptions, but these exception can give u a big jolt when things don’t turn out the way you want it to be or the way it was promised,

My friend who had IVF procedure almost same time as me, she got pregnant in  first transfer (FET)itself but had to miscarry because the fetus was not developing and no heartbeat,one more friend her embryos dint survive at until day 5 , she has to to 2nd round of IVF go through all the drill all over again, many more sad stories about people who i know who go through infertility, and about me my embryos are frozen, my endometrial lining is not growing according to my RE’s satisfaction, so from January my embryo transfer is being  postponed, she has some plan this month hopefully it will work for me,  all my expectations are gone in the drain, but we are normal humans, we cant stop having exceptions again an again and be disappointed, this is infertility life.

Blog Anniversary and much more

DISCLAIMER

I have been MIA from almost three weeks, last year when I started this blog in March I just wrote the first post and vanished until July end. I think in march something happens to me and I don’t write much or nothing atall and yes It’s been a year since I started this blog, I started this blog on March 7th 2017, I wanted to write a post on my blog anniversary day but I have been caught with the twists and turns of life.

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The new plan was working to an extent,my follicles were growing fine, two dominant follicle’s were their but my RE was not satisfied with my lining and she does not want to risk my embryos. Anyways I wanted one full month of drug free and it has happened like the way I wanted. This month from day 15 I am on BCP’s(birth control pills) until 28th March. Then next month on day 2 I need to go for baseline scan, my RE told this cycle will be medicated but with injections and ERA test will be done,then it takes 3 weeks to get the report from Spain, and they will delay my periods so that I will get my period somewhat exact timing of the reports and they can start my FET, so according to my RE, my transfer will be in May, and I am praying that it will work this time.

I had started my acupuncture sessions, and few supplements but it did not help my lining, it might help few people not me.In between I took a second opinion form a different branch of which ever clinic I am going with a different doc, she saw my reports told that I have good embryos and also my lining grew fine in natural cycles and clomid too, maybe progynova tabs wont work for me and some people wont respond to estrogen tabs, she told injections will work for me, my uterus is normal and all, so I am relived, so planning to go with the flow as my doc, the new doc told that same thing going with the flow.

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Then as usual like this typical generation I started googling what ERA is done for, in all the pregnancy and IVF related forums, I read its done for implantation failures, and here I have not even have done one Embryo Transfer (ET), I was confused and worried, I was thinking that she is doing this test just for doing it and nothing else. When I consulted the infertility acupuncturist told about ERA she told that the test is not only done for implantation failure but also for persistent thin lining and your doc does not want to lose the good embryos, but I was not satisfied with her answer and was also not planning to do ERA at that time so left it their.

During my last visit to the clinic it was confirmed that I will be doing ERA next month, my RE also told that I can do ERA next month or wait for one more month, but I am already tired of the waiting game and told her that I will be doing ERA next month itself and asked her all my doubts, then after ERA , will my transfer happen next month after ERA or how what if is lining is still less, she told that’s the reason we do ERA we can know the receptiveness of the lining even if it is less, also with injections we can grow and one more reason she told indirectly was that, with injections and all that the lining will grow and they do not want to miss the window, so this test and in the end she told we will do everything to make you get pregnant but in the end I can give you 70 + 10 (for ERA).

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Once I was back home, again I started googling not the IVF or pregnancy or infertility forms but what ERA is and why, written and explained by doctors and clinics,so this time I read about just ERA not how who has gone through it , when ERA is done and for what its done, its done for two reasons one for obviously implantation failure and the other is for persistent thin lining, In my case she could have tried different method before ERA, but my be its my RE’s protocol I guess and I decided to go with a flow, sometimes we just need to believe and go with the flow.

On another note in one of the post about my friend F, she had transfer in Feb 3rd it was all positive, her beta was fine, but on the 7th week scan no heart beat, so she had to abort the baby, so this IVF/infertility journey is such a frustrating journey until we have our babies in our hand we will never know. If anyone has done ERA test do tell me how it worked for you thank you for reading until here.

The Break and FET – IVF Part 5 work in Progress

DISCLAIMER

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Hi all,hope all are having a great 2018. After my last post, the few people who read my blog must have wondered where I disappeared.I was just  totally lost in my own confused world, so before writing another post I wanted a break and know what exactly is happening with our first IVF cycle. I wanted to update after talking to RE so that’s why I am posting after a long time, I feel my last post which I posted, I  just posted in a hurry.The next day on day 5 , I had written probably fresh ET, read again probably, but that did not happen.

I wanted to get ET done under sedation, I had asked my RE if it possible, she told 95 % ET she does is not done sedation, only 5 % are done under sedation, but since I requested she agreed and told me to come on day 5, she told the same advice to eat sometime before 6.00am and nothing and no water until ET.

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On Wednesday 3rd Jan I fasted from 6.00 am, went to temple, but I had strange feeling that ET might not happen and in my dreams too,I would go to the clinic and they would tell that I have come late and so no ET today, I had the same dream two to three times. That was sign I must say.I waited for the call from clinic until 10.00 am,I called the clinic since I could not wait, they told  that RE was busy and they will  give a call in sometime.

I got the dreaded call, that my 5 embryos which they had left to grow (two day 3 embryos were first frozen in my 7 embryos and 5 were left to grow) only three were growing I felt so low. RE told that they were still in morula stage and they need to wait until it grows to blastocysts by day 6, I was so dejected, but at least 3 were growing and two best day 3 were already frozen, RE told she will update after day 6 one more day of wait. I called on day 6 to know, they told that  all three were growing good,they will wait until evening and then freeze so you can call next day.

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I called next day they told that they froze the best two, so now we have two day 3 and day 6 Expanded Blasts.Since my RE had told that they don’t do fresh day 6 embryo transfer, so it was FET (Frozen embryo transfer) for me. So mentally I was preparing to wait for more than a month, I was told to stop all the tablets and the progesterone pessaries and wait until I get period and go on day two to meet the RE.I had thought RE will check and give me BCP(birth control pills) for a month and then start  FET at the end of JAN or beginning of FEB, but everything changed.

I got period on 8th Jan, 5 days after of stopping those tablets that which were given for fresh transfer. I went to meet RE on 9th Jan, second day of my period, my RE scanned me the TVS scan and she told everything looks fine no cysts, but my lining was thick 7.2 mm on day 2 she asked me if I was bleeding properly, I told that I bleed properly by day 2 noon to day 3 morning, so she told come the on day 3, the next  day to check my lining and told me some blood work E2 and Progesterone and will decide on day three, my IVF cycle as always been confusing waiting game uff. So I gave my blood and prayed that everything should work out and was unnecessarily worried about my lining.

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In the evening I got a call from the clinic that my hormone levels are fine and that I can come and meet the RE for further investigations. I was happy and could not wait until the next day. On day three went to meet the RE, I waited and waited , on that day the clinic had too many patients.Finally my name was called, she first told that my hormones are fine now we need to check the lining, so again the bloody scan, she scanned and told no bilateral cysts and my lining had reduced to 3.9 mm so it was shedding fine.

 

I went back to her table she told everything looks fine we can go ahead with FET, I was nervous and excited. She gave the prescription, the regular vitamin  D tabs, Folic acid tabs and Progynova for 7 days 2 tabs (1 in morning and 1 at night) until 12th and from 13th 4 tabs (2 in the morning and 2 at night) until I meet her for day 10 scan. She told me not to miss on the timing of the tabs, if I take the tabs at 9.00 am, then I should take the other at 9.00 pm, it should be exactly 12 hour gap.I will be meeting my RE on 17th day 10 and will know what next.This IVF is made me know that  being patient  is the only choice we have and nothing else.

IVF – Part 4

DISCLAIMER

Happy new year to all my readers, have a great year ahead and hope all dreams come true and hold out babies soon. All the TTC ladies are in my prayers.I still can’t believe its 2018. Last Jan when I was in the middle of the infertility treatment, I was still in those beginning phase of the treatment and was so sure will conceive in one of those clomid or one of the IUI’s, but the universe had some other plans I guess. As I type this, still there is no baby in my belly. I could have been PUPO(Pregnant Until Proven) by yesterday but I asked my RE for day five transfer.

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Ok coming back to the part 4 of out IVF, on 29th  Dec 2017 on the auspicious day of Vaikunta Ekadhasi according to our Hindu calendar, my egg pick up/retrieval (ER) was done by 1.30 pm, according to my trigger shot timings of 35 to 36 hours.I was praying that I should get at least 12 to 15 eggs, but we got only 10.In the morning before ER BH had to give fresh SA, but he had to give it soon , as he had some important meeting , so there was so much confusion but finally the embryologist agreed to give it sooner and BH gave the fresh sample left, even though there was frozen back up, that morning confusions was very taxing.

After the ER , when I woke up, RE came up to me and told that they got 10 eggs, lets see how the fertilization is, we will know about it tomorrow and went away before I could ask any questions.I was very angry about myself that I got only 10, by then my friend F came to meet me,  about whom I have mentioned   here and here. My friend told why are you even feeling bad when others don’t even get a egg or more less than yours, I was like I am worried about me I din’t want to compare  myself with anyone at that point.Anyways I felt better speaking to her.

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When I was declared fine by the duty doctor to go home,RE had  prescribed some tabs until I meet her on Monday day 3, seeing those tabs , my friend F told you might have fresh transfer, I was like it cant be, but those tabs were for readying me for the fresh transfer. I was confused and shocked cause I had prepared myself mentally for FET. I have written about it here so many times.I am on vaginal progesterone and one more tab I don’t know the name the other tablet for preparing for ET, those tabs are making me feel confused, heart burn,nauseous and very tired.

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I left the clinic praying all of our  eggs to be fertilized and not to think about the ET (Embryo Tranfer). Until the next day I was so darn nervous, until I got to know about our fertiliation. The report was 9 eggs were mature and 7 had fertilized, that was a ok news o me, I was ok fine. Then prayed that they all grow fine, praying was the only choice I had, that’s what I did on the last weekend of 2017.

Monday JAN 1 st 2018, I went to the clinic, the junior doc did the scan, she told my lining is good and after ER there was some fluid  in the utreus, that fluid was also not there everything was looking good , so they wanted me to do day three transfer.I was not able to react, I asked can we do day 5 transfer, the blastocyst transfer,they were like we will check with RE and then decide.

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I met the RE she was busy with ER with other patients, she said.She told that success rate does not vary much, most of my patients have had success with day 3 transfer, decide what you want and called the embryologist. The embryologist showed me the report, all 7 were going good on day 3,only one was slight behind but that also was good grade, they told it might catch up.

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This was the first time in my life that I took decision without consulting BH / mom/ mil or anyone,and the decision was made within a minute, I just told, that mentally blastocyst  transfer would be fine for me.Now tomorrow I will know how many have made it to blasts.RE suggested that if I want day 5 transfer then freeze two day 3 embryo which are actually really good,remaining 5 we can let it grow, in case we lose all during the day 5 we have two day 3 back up, so fingers crossed that all five grow on day 5, and I can get done with ET tomorrow, my friend  F told that even her  few d grade embryo grew until day 5, mine was grade b embies so it should grow fine she told, I was nervous after taking the decision she told just go with the flow it will work out. Please pray that my embryos grow and I can have ET tomorrow.