The Talk

DISCLAIMER

I just wanted to record the talk I had with the in-house counselor in the clinic I go here, but before I go into the main topic let me give you an update, after my last post, I thought that I will post about my transfer confirmation and all, it’s not that easy in my case you all know, if you been following  me from the beginning if not you can check here. On Monday the 8th it was day 15 for me, the plan was to have the final lining check and start progesterone for the transfer, as usual my cycle was cancelled, according to my RE, whatever my lining is they can transfer because of the ERA test. I need extra 12 hours of progesterone  and my lining was receptive according to my ERA test.

The problem this time was one, that my lining was growing but slowly as usual , but it was growing  and it was a triple line that was the main thing and I felt a bit relieved and second my RE would be out of town during my transfer time, but I said ok for another RE to do my transfer, because my lining was ok this time and I did not want to waste my time, but on Monday during the check up, new RE told she will not do transfer with 6 mm lining even though my RE’s junior doctor told about my lining issues and ERA report.

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I spoke to my RE’s junior  and said that I am ok to go ahead with transfer but she told this time my lining is growing okissh, we will cancel and next month my RE only will do the transfer and who knows next month it might grow even better, but I was not convinced, because I am scared but she told think positive and come back on day 2 of my next period , so I was ok with this plan at some point because I prefer my RE only to do my transfer, so they gave me some withdrawal tabs to be taken after few days , I might get my period in the 4th week of October then start all over again, now the waiting game starts.

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I have written so much that I have not written about the main topic, so yesterday after all the check up’s and all, the in house counselor wanted to meet me.It was nice talking to her, I felt good about myself and and she made me know that  I am doing all in my capacity to make this work, I never felt that I was doing my best.She told me few success stories and how it worked for them, she listened to me when I spoke.She also told me to be positive and my mind being positive has more effective then the medicines I totally agree to that concept, positive mind positive body.

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She also told me few tips which I really loved, which I will be incorporating in my daily life.I spoke to her for almost more than half an hour,it was the best part of the day I felt so so good about myself,she also told me to call her when I need to talk or feeling low or just to unburden, after this I suggest  please go and speak to the counselor that’s the best thing you can do yourself during this infertility journey.I felt I was unburdened and came out with a positive mind and attitude, ( lets call the counselor R)  thank you R so much for making me feel so good now I feel I can do this, thanks again.

Confused Mind

DISCLAIMER

How do I even start writing about this topic I don’t know,but I want to write and take it out of my system. Infertility treatments are all about decisions and decisions, life is tough it feels or are we complicating or infertility complicates life.I sometimes feel why do I have to go through this but do I have choice. I sometimes feel that with these infertility treatments we are stuck, we are not fully moving out of it or we are going more deeper and deeper, stuck in the complicated Chakravuyha.

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I stopped my BCP’s (birth control pills ) yesterday, it was officially the last pill. I have been taking these pills after my first failed FET , RE has suggested to take a month break and come, but I told her I would like to take two months, she suggested take three months too and come back ready for the second FET, I asked her the BCP’s since I have pcos/pcod, I wont get period regularly so I wanted the timing to be perfect, they prescribe two packs of pills, so that after failed FET I would get period and start pills from day 2 of the period and then again from day 2 of the next period, so now I am done with the pills and waiting for my period to start so that I can meet the RE to start mt 2nd FET protocol also I am done with the two months of break.

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Now you might be wondering what I have to decide everything is going smooth, nope I am scared , feeling lonely , worried, and lots of what if’s, what if this cycle does not work too, or if it works how am I going to take it.Last transfer I was excited and not that much worried, but this time I feel very lonely and scared.I don’t know why, I was so ready after the failed FET, but as the days are nearing I am confused, I have been asking questions myself if I should go ahead with this or wait some more time, maybe I am scared of another failure.

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I know I feel ready and after my last cycle I have been waiting for the 2nd FET to start but now when I am almost their why this worry and confusion I don’t know, do all the people who go through infertility treatments feel this way or I am the only one feeling like this. I just want to be ready before my period starts. I don’t want to be a zombie , just going for check up’s and following up. I want to be more involved and happy, I want to be strong. I can only pray to GOD to give me the strength and go with the flow.I don’t know whether this post is making any sense , I feel better after writing these confusions and taking it out of my mind, that’s what is blog for isn’t it , Thank you.

Coping with first failed FET

DISCLAIMER

Its been such a long time that I wrote  something here,as always I want to write sooooo.. much and their is so much in my mind but I am not writing.I wont say I am busy and all, its just that I dint write .Ok coming back to the topic, how I am coping with my first failed FET, is the biggest question.

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its been  a very long road, I am ok at times I am not ok at times,but its been a very difficult journey,I feel alone even with all the support I have got, I wonder how people cope when they don’t even know how to vent out the feelings and don’t know that their is a big support system out their, I am glad I know and have a support system which helps me a bit, but the truth is in the end of the day we are the only one who have to suffer.

The loneliness, the fear, what if  even the next transfer does not work, why my body is betraying me, why? why? why?, these are the questions I have been asking myself after my first failed FET. I have also learned a lot about relationships, friends and how people treat me just because they got pregnant and not me in this period ,  this topic needs a separate post, because I want to write and vent out so much, because people whom I thought will be my strength ans support were the one’s who did not want to talk to me, dint I say this needs a  separate post.

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When I started  the IVF treatment I was a different person, now I am a totally a different person, so much I have learned about  people  and life in general. When my first FET was about to start I did so many things even though my FET’s were being cancelled due to lining issues . I tried meditation, pranayama , yoga, good food , walking , prayers and so much more, but this time even though I had two months before my 2nd FET and still have few more weeks before I strart my 2nd FET, I have not done anything of the above, yes maybe be 10 percent of that, which I am not happy.

I still not have not written how I am coping with failure, we traveled a bit, now again after two days we are travelling again, then my BCP’s will finish from monday, so I am also in the count-down mode,talking to people who still want to be  my friend , even after they becoming pregnant and me not, eating junk, yes seriously I am eating junk, but since I am vegan they are not that bad junk so I am ok with it.Drinking loads of my favorite back coffee , which this time I am planning to stop from day 1 of the FET. I am still in the thinking mode of starting of meditation, pranayama , yoga, prayers , good food and all,after the trip or from today I am not sure.

I wanted to write and vent out but I was not able to because my nephews 1st birthday celebration’s and  I was also helping out so you know right.I still cant believe he is one already, when I started my treatment with my Gynecologist  its was during my bro engagement, then marriage , pregnancy , baby shower, my nephews naming ceremony and now his 1st birthday. I am still in the limbo land  land I don’t even know whether  my next transfer will be success or not.

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If anyone has read this rant until the end then your great and thank you, and if anyone  of you is going through this phase just hold on the hope, also let me know how you dealt or dealing when your were/are in this situation.

The month of July 2018 – Part 2

DISCALIMER

If you have not read the first part read here… and here come’s the next read on…..

On 16th July I was excited  and nervous it was all mixed feeling, those who go through it will know it I guess. I had to be in the clinic by 10  am,but  due to whatever reasons I reached late by 10.45 am. Their was so much confusion on the way to the clinic, I was  also called by the receptionist to ask where I was. When I went to the clinic everyone was asking why late and all, I just went up stairs and  paid the money and come back to the transfer room.

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Still their was a confusion, if my transfer was under anesthesia or what,I had asked my RE sometime back that I would prefer transfer under sedation, but after my ERA test which also I had asked under sedation but I did it without the anesthesia so I was like if I  can  the painful ERA test without sedation , then I can do the transfer also without anesthesia.

I had not  discussed this with RE also after my transfer was confirmed, I also dint speak about sedation and my doctor also did  not speak anything so I was like my transfer will be done without sedation , so I had my breakfast and come to the clinic, their was so much drama and confusion why I ate breakfast and all .Then finally everything was sorted out, then I started drinking water to fill my bladder, my doctor was not satisfied with the water in my tummy , I was made to drink water on the transfer table.

At exactly 12.17 pm, my day 6, 2 Expanded blastocyst embryos were transferred.The transfer went smooth that’s what my RE told me, she  also wished me luck and told me no travel no intercourse and to come for BETA-HCG test after 12 days that was 28th July. take all the prescribed tablets without fail.I was also councelled by the in-house Councillor too.

I was overactive all the 12 days, I thought it would help for the blood flow in the uterus.I had almost all the symptoms, that was maybe because of progesterone.I had twitches mostly in the left side, I was hungry all the time from day 7 post transfer, I was tried and all, I was convinced I am pregnant on day 8 but I was scared to do a HPT(home pregnancy test).

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I Just manged to not to test until the ottd (on the test day). On 28th early morning I went to the clinic lab gave sample of my blood, and waited until 1.30 but I did not get any call, I called the clinic and waited until 2 pm, finally they called me and my RE told  sorry its negative, come and meet me next week and since we had two more embryos we will decide what we can do next, I was clam all the time when I got the news,because I know most of the first transfers don’t work, the most shocked was my BH, he was not able to believe it , but the that was the truth.

So my first transfer failed, now I am on a break for two months I am on BCP’s for two months.Their is much more to write will write soon.

The month of JULY 2018

DISCLAIMER

Its been more than a month since I have written any post, I was too involved with many things happening in my life, every time I wanted to write I thought I will write later and then I would think ok let me  make sure before I post, but that never happened, and finally today I decided to write here.This post will be written in parts because loads of things happened in between.Those who read my blog know that I have lining issues which I have written here and here and many more times. When each time my cycle gets cancelled, I have cribbed and written here, and got  so much support, but the July cycle was decided and I decided to write once everything was done.

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Finally my lining was somewhat ok according to my RE and she decided to go ahead with Embryo Transfer (ET), according to my ERA test report,(you can check about my ERA time line and ERA result.) Its a long story but I want to document, why I want to document here I will write in the last part.So let me write in bullet points.

  • On 29th June AF arrived, I was excited because I knew this was the cycle finally my em-babies will be back where they have to be.The intuition you see.
  • on 30th June day 2 and day 1 according to HRT cycle . In the baseline scan everything looked fine, RE checked my Estrogen and progesterone because their was  a follicle, and told me to start my tablets once I get my report, by evening all my hormones were fine and I was told to go ahead and start my estrogen tablets and come on day 8 for lining check.
  • On day 8 my lining was 5.8 mm but triple line so, I went back again on day 11 for lining check and everything was going fine, so my RE followed ERA pattern and started progesterone from day 11 because I need 12 hours extra of progesterone.
  • Finally ET was confirmed on 16th JUNE.

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To be continued…..

 

 

Regressing Lining…

DISCLAIMER

What do write? I do not even want to write anything in my blog, because their is nothing new to write, I have been writing only about the 5 to 6 FET cycle cancellations and that’s all I have been writing here, but after my last post I have seen increase in the traffic, sooo many people have checked my blog to know about my progress, thank you so much people, and that’s the reason I decided to write an update about my regressing lining and also one more reason, which has been in my mind from past few weeks, is that I have not read or come across any blogs how a not so growing good lining stories how they overcame it or what was their next plan is , I have read just one blog about lining issues thats it. I have read  a lot about lining issues in infertility forums, and people have become pregnant with thin linings and sometime it grew fine and they conceived and all. also with the help of ERA test reports , so their is a light in the end, I just need to be a patient, not just patience loads of it.

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I have no idea how I will end up in this journey.  Pathologically my lining does not have any issues, this was know by the hysteroscopy-laparoscopy procedure, even during clomid cycle after ovulation my lining as grown great, after my egg retrieval my lining was 8-mm triple line,then in my April cycle -ERA test cycle it grew above 7 ,and last cycle on day 8 it was 6.5, but why it regressed on day 11 is a question mark or on day 11 my transfer date would have fixed or I would have got an idea when my transfer would be.RE told me maybe because of too much of hormones , the estrogen which I have been taking from past 6 months and told me if I am ready to take a break of 2 months because in march I was on break with no estrogen at all and in April my lining grew fine.

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I want to tell everyone in this journey, what ever your issues are, and whatever that is preventing you  from achieving the most wanted pregnancy, just breath and believe , I know its not easy, but do we have choice, we do everything we can to become pregnant and mommies, but we need to be strong  and stay strong and do what we have to do next, we just cant crib and cry, you are not alone, be strong and inspire others.Thank you everyone who sincerely wanted to know how I was doing and what my next plans are. What my next plan is? I will write about  it soon, until then you take care people.

 

 

 

 

V for Vitrification # A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

Vitrification in IVF can allow freezing of spare embryos with better post-thaw survival rates and higher pregnancy and live birth rates from frozen embryo transfer cycles. In simple terms Vitrification means freezing the embryos and also oocytes /eggs, for later or future use.

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vitrification is a solid glass-like cell, free of ice crystals.Vitrification can efficiently preserve spare eggs and embryos, so they can be used later on to achieve a pregnancy after thawing. Survival rates after vitrification and subsequent pregnancy rates are much better than they were with conventional slow freezing.

Vitrification is dependent on the placement of the oocyte/embryo in a very small volume of vitrification medium which is then cooled at an extreme rate, so that the embryos are flash frozen and preserved intact,content source, here.

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PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

O for Oocyte #A to Z Challenge

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Its all science, even I am trying to understand all  about that happening with Infertility. Oocyte an immature egg cell in humans, one oocyte matures during the menstrual cycle, becoming an an ovum, while several others partially mature and then disintegrate.In simple terms every month an egg is released, which means the women is ovulated in the mid cycle, if  the egg  is fertilized then  it becomes a baby, if not the egg disintegrates. The lining which is formed for the baby to stick in the uterus, which is mainly supported by progesterone, the progesterone level drops once the egg is not fertilized and the women gets her monthly period. 

When  an infertility warrior starts IVF treatment, the first thing the RE would want to know  is about her AMH. AMH means Anti-Mullerian Harmone, women are born with their lifetime supply of eggs. and these gradually decrease in both quality and quantilty with age. In short the level of AMH in a women’s blood is generally a good indicator of her ovarian reserve.This post is a little about what I know due to the infertility treatments,and some is the always great google search, resource.


PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

I for Invasive & Insurance #A to Z Challenge

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Infertility treatments are very very invasive I must say. When we decided we wanted babies, and nothing worked the normal way, we tried the all the non-invasive treatments like Ayurveda and Homeopathy when those were exhausted,I had no choice but to go the Allopathic way , I am was darn scared because I knew it would be very invasive. We being the google generation , we just google every darn thing. Everything I read was all about tvs-scans, HSG test , hysteroscopy and much more, the list is never ending, and every time we go for check ups, tvs scan is a must, or the RE wont know whats happening with the reproductive system.

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The above tests are just the beginning, once your a part of either IUI or IVF roller coaster ride, its even more invasive, now I am just used to those invasive scans, if my RE does not ask me to get undressed from my lower part I will be worried, and will be thinking why she is not scanning today, nah nah after speaking to me the nurse tells me to undress and dang the scan is done, its not painful but its obviously uncomfortable. Invasive in the part of infertility life.

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Insurance I wont talk much, but here in India insurance is not covered for a single infertility issue, we have to pay everything from our pocket and these treatments are very expensive. Every time my RE suggests tests I need to think how much it might costs and when should it be paid, its very draining mentally, physically and financially , dint I say you need to be a warrior to go through infertility treatments.


PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences, I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

E for Expectations # A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

We infertility warriors have loads of expectations with the treatment, obviously we have all the right to have expectations isn’t it,because with all the promises , guarantees and the money we invest, yes I call it investment.The infertility treatments are emotionally, physically and financially draining, but we go thought it because we genuinely  expect what is promised, that too the most wanted .When we start our infertility journey we think finally we will be getting answers, for why the hell we are not able to conceive.We will get few answers few even the doctor will not be able to tell, even the modern science does not have answers for certain things.

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When we started the treatment, I can specifically talk about IVF journey cause I am going through it right now, there different types of protocols and treatment depending upon each person and their issues regarding infertility.

So coming back to the topic when I told that I can have my own baby with IVF procedure I was on cloud nine, I was expecting this from my doctor, because I dint want any other procedure, which does not have that much success rate compared to IVF, IVF too has just 40 to 70 percent depending on each person, but better success rate then other procedures, so obviously we will have the exceptions, but these exception can give u a big jolt when things don’t turn out the way you want it to be or the way it was promised,

My friend who had IVF procedure almost same time as me, she got pregnant in  first transfer (FET)itself but had to miscarry because the fetus was not developing and no heartbeat,one more friend her embryos dint survive at until day 5 , she has to to 2nd round of IVF go through all the drill all over again, many more sad stories about people who i know who go through infertility, and about me my embryos are frozen, my endometrial lining is not growing according to my RE’s satisfaction, so from January my embryo transfer is being  postponed, she has some plan this month hopefully it will work for me,  all my expectations are gone in the drain, but we are normal humans, we cant stop having exceptions again an again and be disappointed, this is infertility life.