D for Dysfunctional # A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

Infertility journey makes us feel like we don’t function like normal people, we feel we are dysfunctional.For many people it is just so easy to have a baby, they decide they want to have a child and boom they are pregnant, but for us its never that easy, and that make us feel like we are not normal, and wonder why its is so easy for them and so so very difficult for us. Since its not that easy to conceive, it makes us feel why our body is so dysfunctional and feel that our own body is deceiving us.

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Another thing is the deficiency, when we start going to the gynecologist after TTC(trying to conceive) for a year or so, the first thing they tell us is to do loads of blood work to know what deficiencies are their in both the husband and wife, more in the wife since she will be the one carrying the baby. Even before we start the treatment, we women take loads of tablets like, vitamin D, folic acid,metformin for pcod, some other tablet for thyroid , soneother for another deficiency, then we research more and start taking other tablets like vitamin E, proteins, wheat grass juice and much more because we like to complicate ourselves like I have written here.

We are so convinced that our body is dysfunctional and has all the deficiencies in this world, try out many things, that’s infertility life, we are are totally obsessed and you can know from my posts.The main thing I write this blog is to create awareness also I want people who are in this phase /journey that your not alone, just share your story and create awareness.

A NEW PLAN

DISCLAIMER

Its been more than a week, I have not updated at all, I just was going with the flow and taking things as they come. I will not say I was not feeling low, I was angry with myself and my lining. My lining during clomid  cycles and during non medicated cycle grew fine, but I am not able to understand why with the help of medicines its not growing , I was feeling bad that even this cycle did not work.In my last post I had written that I have an appointment with RE on 14th FEB day 12 or 10 not sure, so when I went for the lining check it was as usual  just 4.6 more less than the last time , I was disappointed they upped my dose and told me to come on 17th FEB, so on Saturday it just grew 5.6 or something, what a mess my body is, I felt.

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So there is a new plan now, yes you read it right, my RE  has suggested a new plan since my lining is not growing  with estrogen/progynova tablets. RE gave me a choice that I either go ahead with ERA test next cycle or try one natural cycle, before deciding about ERA test. I am still on estrogen and also meprate until Friday once I stop those I will get my period within a week then I can go for my day two scan and start natutal cycle.So I am a bit relieved I wanted to try a natural cycle before doing any other test, I am hopeful that in my natural cycle the grand lining will grow fine, but also I feel that I was on estrogen for two months so it might effect. I am happy that this time we will try natural cycle but also worried too, life is so confusing.

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I have moved on from my last canceled cycle, and I am trying to eat  healthy . I am a vegan is that effecting my lining , but I don’t think so, during clomid and non medicated cycles my lining grew fine and I was vegan even at that time, so maybe that estrogen is the culprit here. I read that for one in ten people estrogen supplements does not work, so maybe I am the one in those 10 people sigh.

I am trying to eat good food, vegetarian protein, raspberry tea, pomegranate juice , coffee I need to cut down and stop after my period or should I stop from now only I am not sure. I am walking and doing yoga too, also many of you people have suggested acupuncture so I have taken appointment with a infertility specialist acupuncturist for tomorrow and lets see how it works.

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I am doing all I can for this cycle and hoping it will work and I don’t have to do ERA test which is quite expensive too.I have been  diagnosed  with PCOS/PCOD so I don’t ovulate on my own  most of the time, so how will my doctor do this I have no idea, will she be giving me a tablet for my follicles to grow and then give me trigger shot or what I have no idea,but this is how it will work for me I think or maybe RE  has other plans lets see.I just want this cycle to work, any tips and suggestions would be great, also anybody done natural cycle who is a pcos patient and how did it work  for you and the time line,I would love to know, thank you in advance.

2017 – The Roller Coaster Year

DISCLAIMER

First let me wish you a advance wishes for the new year 2018.

Happy New Year Quotes Wishes Message & SMS for Family 2018

I want to write about the roller coaster ride of 2017, It was no a bad year, but it was not good year either. This year was all about  hospital/clinic visits ,blood work, scans, procedures, pregnancy announcements , baby showers, naming ceremony many more, many more which are a part of this Indian society sigh. I just want to look back  and see how it was and how I have survived all the above, and read when I am low, and know that I am strong and can be an inspiration for others.

 

Let me start with JANUARY,  AF had come on 18th Dec , my gynecologist had told me to do follicle study scan from day 14 until until I ovulate, so the scan went until the first week of Jan, I did not ovulate until the cd 21, I had many follicles but they were growing very slowly, so I went to the doc, my doc told the same, that follicles are there but not growing on time cause of PCOS/PCOD .So my gynec told to do HSG test before further treatments, I waited and waited no signs of AF in Jan.My first cousin and my bro also announced there pregnancy just fifteen days apart. When I started my treatment from June 2016 my cousin sister had announced her pregnancy.

In FEBRUARY I went to meet gynec and told her that no period and its more than one and half month, she told me to check HPT and it was obviously negative, then she told me we will wait until  three months , and if I get period sooner, that I should get hsg test between cd 5 to cd 9. Finally  AF on 18th FEB, and on 24th got my HSG test done.

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In MARCH no AF again, I was just waiting AF to start so that I could start my clomid cycles.Nothing happened in March.I started this blog in March, I wanted  to vent out, I felt I was alone, I knew few friends and cousins who were /went through infertility,but no one was ready to speak about it, its ok its thrre choice ifbthey d9 not want to speak,but touch wood I have many friends where I can share and talk about infertility now.

In APRIL AF finally arrived , stared my first  clomid cycle.I hated the first cycle with 50mg clomid, I had all the side effects, like hot flashes , blur vision and much more. I ovulated on time, but it did not work.

In MAY I started the second clomid cycle but I have fever , diarrhea and nausea,from the day 2 started clomid, it was 50 mg for second cycle too. I ovulated very late on CD 21 or something and it dint work too. In May at our home they decided to start preparation for my SIL’s baby shower,I was wondering how I will face people in the baby shower, but I had to be strong.

The month of JUNE my third  clomid cycle  it stared late since I ovulated late due to health issues in May cycle. It was the baby shower month and my third clomid cycle with increased 100 mg of clomid .I was the one running around for the baby shower, I hated myself for the way I was feeling, I cant even explain. I manged by being strong during the baby shower.

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In JULY I ovulated fine in my third cycle on time, but it did not work. I met my gynecologist who told that since this is not working, she would prefer to do hysteroscopy and if wanted Laparoscopy too, and referred me to RE.

In AUGUST I met RE, showed all my reports and said that my Gynec wants second opinion if I need hystro-lap. She told its better I go for Hystrp-lap, and suggested some blood work for me and BH and SA for BH. Other than that nothing  happened in August.

In SEPTEMBER , hystro-lap was done , what a relief other than nothing happened . I was just waiting for my reports so that I could go ahead with the RE. Only thing I got to know with the lap was that both my tubes were blocked and I had no other choice than IVF.Then the longest ever six week wait.

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In October I finally got my reports and period after 45 days after the lap. Met the RE again with reports but there was so much confusion, due to some reports missing and all. RE told me to come on the second day of the period with all the remaining reports.

I was waiting for the NOVEMBER AF/period but it dint happen, I don’t know why I was not getting my period.Also there was some confusion about my reports which was cleared but not to my and RE’s satisfaction.My dad also was not well that time, it was the hardest month of my life.I waited until end of the month, to get my period but noth7ng happened, so I decided to meet RE to get some tab to get my period.

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I had spotting on DECEMBER 2nd, met RE on 4th Dec, she told my lining is thick I have two cysts on my right ovary and maybe that’s why delay in my period, but luckily it was a harmless cyst.RE also told that unless I get heavy bleeding I cant start my IVF injection so many road blocks.

Then the rest is history finally I started my IVF injections from 16th Dec,It was twelve days of injection, On 28th early morning 2 .00 am was my trigger shot,on 29th was my egg pick up. I will write about how many eggs and and how many have fertilized after meeting the RE tomorrow on January 2018 .Hope 2018 will make our dreams come true and I wish everyone hold our babies soon.HAPPY AND PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR TO ALL.Thank you all for being a part of my journey.The last post of the year.

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IVF – Part 2

DISCLAIMER

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Yes you read it right, finally our first IVF cycle started. What a never ending drama  it was even before I could start and how stressful my life life prior to out IVF cycle. Even on Saturday I was not sure if we will start, finally it started what a relief I must say. I don’t know, I am a bit calmer after all these few days of drama, and trying not to be stressed too much.

I was/have been diagnosed pcos/pcod when I was 18 or 19 years old, so cysts were always a part of me, but from last year when I started taking treatment with my gynecologist it was fine no cysts or maybe they were unnoticeable,even during my Hystro-laparoscopy noting was there,why oh why did it come now, that too, two of them.When I called RE’s clinic last Monday to tell that I have been spotting from Saturday they told me to come, for check up, that’s when she saw those two cysts, sigh!what road block,I had even before I could start.

The spotting also stopped from Monday evening, I din’t know what was happening to my body I felt my body was failing me again and again . I was trying to be calm, but I could not I was depressed, I stopped all the communications with all my support system I have. It was one of the most lowest period of my life I must say, I knew so many people who were going through IVF, everyone were, either starting or in between the cycle or egg retrieval stage and here, I was no where near it.

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I should have started on November 16th, but it was already December , and nothing was happening, I was totally lost, I had palpitations.God I cant even thing about last week. I did everything to get my period, to flow normally in natural ways like heat producing foods, exercise , yoga and meditation to keep myself calm. On Thursday I has stomach ache and slight flow in the evening, I was like I can go and meet RE next day but the bleeding stopped at night and no bleeding until Friday noon, I was going mad, then I just decided to leave it and move on , so decided to go to the parlour  for  a nice soothing  facial and pedicure so I can feel relaxed,when I was back home by 1.30 there was slight bleeding and by evening there was  proper flow.I did not book the appointment until I was sure. On Saturday there was proper flow and  I booked  the  appointment.

On Saturday when I went to the clinic ,there I met my friend F again. Whom I have mentioned in my previous post  . She had come to the clinic to know about how many embryos will be freezed, because in our clinic they don’t do fresh transfer, only FET is done. We spoke for a long time , she made me feel better and told you will start today and even she had cyst and they stated IVF for her even when it just spotted so be calm she told.Then when I went to meet RE, she told everyone in the clinic were tracking my periods sigh.

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I told about my period when it started and all, they did the TVS scan I don’t know  why this time it was very uncomfortable.Then mt RE told that there is persistent cysts so we need to do blood work again before we could start sigh, road block again, but the cyst had reduced compared to last scan. So I gave blood for  progesterone and estradiol test. They told they will call and tell whether I should come or they will prescribe BCP for a month after they get my blood work reports.

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I was waiting again, they did not call me until 4.00 PM, I called the clinic, they told me to come soon, your hormones are fine, you can start today, I just rushed to the clinic, my GOD so much drama it was, ok I have written too much here I guess, now I am off to the clinic to take day 3 cd 4 injections.Wish me luck.( Any grammatical mistakes just ignore I was in a hurry to publish and take of my system.)

Fertility Warrior Q&A

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I have been tagged and asked by two friends, Infertility & life  and Strength through Infertility, to contribute to raising awareness of infertility & childlessness.  Which was started by Post IVF world . The idea is that bloggers answer a set of 10 questions about their own infertility experiences and then add an extra question that we think others may find useful.  In the end there should be a huge amount of information available for people to access which in turn should help raise awareness.I will also tag a few fellow bloggers and ask them to take part if they would like to.

So, here are my answers

Are you male of female?

Female

Where are you in your infertility journey?

As of now I am on a break after Hysteroscopy with laparoscopy surgery ,which was done last month and before that three  failed clomid cycles. I will be starting my first IVF maybe in November or December, I am not sure,because it depends on my AFP culture test for which I am still waiting ,which sometimes I feel was not necessary at all .

What is your infertility diagnosis if you have one?

Last month Hysteroscopy and laparoscopy surgery was done and the doctors discovered that both my tubes have been blocked. In February this year when HSG procedure was done only one tube was blocked, now after six months both tubes have been blocked I don’t know how. also long back when I was in late teens or early twenties  have been diagnosed with pcos/pcod.

A slight male factor too, BH’s sperm count is good but morphology and motility have slight issues for which he is taking tabs.Now I am  just in waiting period which is very frustrating.

How old were you when you got your diagnosis and how old are you now?

In my late teens or early twenties I am not sure I had/have been diagnosed with pcos/pcod, Tube blocks was known last month.I am 33 years old.

What do you do to keep your spirits up on the tough days?

I write, writing about my infertility journey is made my life easier, because I can vent out my feelings and feel light.I can take out the negativity out form my system when I write here. I go window shopping, the best therapy. I am very spiritual  person so I pray, meditate and just believe in God.Thanks to this infertility journey I have made some beautiful friendships, some through blogging, some via online community and some during my hospital visits. So when in doubt are low I have so many people to hear me. We travel and mostly escape to our holiday home, just me and BH. I also wish there was a support group here in India, people don’t talk much openly here about infertility, so that’s the one thing I want to do or maybe there is a support group which I don’t know, if anyone know please send me the link, thank you.

How do you feel you have been treated by medical professionals?

In 2014 I had not got period for three months, but had spotting/bleeding and bad stomach ache, so went to meet a gynecologist, the worst gynec ever I have met, the way she spoke to me I thought I was going to die soon , I din’t know what health issue I had, even now after three years I don’t know what health issue it was at that time. Later after few months when I went for second opinion the new gynec told I do not have any major problem sigh, it was the worst time of my life.

Last year in July I started going to a different gynecologist the best doctor I have ever met, thank God for that.Then my gynecologist referred me to RE in July this year.I have RE only twice, so I still need time , but in those two time I felt she was good, also there is a in house counselor so I actually felt nice speaking to her, so lets see how its goes after my next visits.

Have you been offered support of any kind?

Until now, I haven’t got any kind of support , I support myself by being strong, but as I have said in my previous reply that the in-house counselor at the clinic makes me feel its going to be ok,lets see how its going to be in future.

 

How do your issues effect you on a day to day basis?

It effects me a lot, sometimes too much, but from past few weeks  or a month.I am trying to be strong, yeah only from few weeks, but I don’t know how long I can be strong.There are days I just want to be all alone, I don’t want BH also to be with me, its just me and my loneliness sigh, what all this infertility makes us.When someone is going to announce there pregnancy, I take time to digest the fact, then congratulate them.Sometimes I get afraid to congratulate because who knows something happens after we congratulate and then they blame us. Yeah I  am paranoid of congratulating pregnant women this is because of the Indian society I feel , even thought nothing has happened like that until now, and we are more liberal compared to few older generations but I am scared that’s it. When we go for get-together’s, family pooja’s etc my cousins, family and friends pity on me I think, that I don’t have kids, but I don’t want that Pity please.Then these baby showers and naming ceremonies uff, I don’t want to go there, if we go people ask when is our turn, if we don’t go they think we are jealous sigh, life is tough, even more with infertility.

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If you could tell yourself something back when you were first diagnosed, what would it be?

Its not going to be easy, no matter what do ,you have go though all those procedures and pains, try to be strong and start your journey now(I feel I should have started to take my infertility seriously and started my treatment soon)anyways its better late then never.

 

Are you open about your infertility? If so, has this helped?  If not, is it something you think might help?

Yes we are open about our treatment only with close family and friends. In India close family means obliviously my parents, sibling, BH’s parents and sibling, but  its also means my moms siblings, dads siblings, few  of my cousins and not much on BH’s side because my MIL does not prefer talking about my treatments , that’s what I want too I am ok with my side people knowing but not BH’s.

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In a way it has helped a lot some try to understand me and don’t ask me about my treatments, but there are few go on asking about my treatments its irritating at times and at times I am ok and explain to them what’s happening in my infertility life.Then writing this blog has made my life better because I can vent out here, whenever and whatever and feel fine, also knowing I am not alone and I do have  a great support who are also in the same journey.

What advice would you give to someone about to embark on treatment?

I don’t know if I can give any advice I am still new here, hopefully I will get advice when I am going to start my IVF , but I want to tell one thing if you already know you have pcos/pcod please don’t go to a gynecologist and waste your time just go to a Reproductive endocrinologist, this is  just my suggestion it might work different ways to different people.

So that’s the end of my answers.

Now I tag the following bloggers to do the same, no pressure here only if they would like to:

The Moon and Back

Eleanor

addra – Seeking, health and fitness

Positive Thinking

Elena-My journey through life, infertility and the universe

Doggie Bags not Diaper bags

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