S for Support , Strength and Sprituality #A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

The infertility journey has helped me make some great friends they are my greatest support, my support system. Only these friends can understand my situation like no else can because we are all a part of this journey.All the friends I have made in this journey are not at the same stage of infertility treatments, some are just beginning, some are in the middle, for some they are taking treatments from few years, but we are all a part of this journey, and like I have earlier said, only those who go through this infertility journey will understand us, I have already written about the amazing support I have here.I have meet some amazing infertility warriors in the clinics, through the online support forums, and through infertility blogs.

My own strength, I would have never known  my strength if I had not  been a part of this journey. I  dint know that I was strong until my cousins and  friends told that I am very strong and the way I have been handling these infertility issues and things related to it, only then did I know how strong I am, but we don’t have choice,being strong is the only choice we have.

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Spirituality was and is  a part of my life. This journey has made me more spiritual. Their are times when failures happens but then, I blame GOD for that moment and then just move on. I don’t broad over why God did this  to me and all, I was feeling very low before starting my IVF, then later realized  no use of boarding over things we have no control over, we just  need to move on, have hope and believe in the universe.

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PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

The Bumpy Ride & A Break

DISCLAIMER

As you read the title, my IVF journey has been always been a  bumpy ride nothing has worked accordingly, there has been delays, not knowing what next, now cancellations too,I am tired of this even though its just the beginning and hopefully it will work fine in the end. So after my last post I just wanted to disappear, and seriously I just wanted a break,also I knew at the back of my mind this cycle wont work due to my lining issues and that’s what  happened.

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On the 25th our 11th anniversary I went for my scan, I just knew this wont work also on 31st there was a  lunar eclipse on which day I did not wanted to be in TWW, I wanted to go for our anniversary trip as planned in November,so many things and so my lining was the same 6.4 mm or 6.7 mm something it had shrunk back like 0.2 mm I think compare to my last scan on day 15th , so FET was cancelled but my embryos are safe uff.

My lining growth and on time growth is what my RE wants, so that my em-babies can snuggle up and be their until 9 months safe and healthy and for which I agreed too, RE told that we can waste/cancel cycles but not embryos. RE told me to stop Progynova and take Meprate for 6 days, and once I stop those I will get period within a week , I stopped the tab on Tuesday, so I am thinking I will get period on Monday or Tuesday lets see and I have to meet RE on day 2 to start the new FET cycle, hopefully February is my month.

(Disclaimer: Please do not copy, or distribute the photo’s without the author’s  content)

I went home packed for our trip. We went at the western most tip of India and enjoyed our break, this break has made me very positive, visited Dwarkanath  and two Jothirlingas Nagehwar and Somanath. The trip was mix of spiritual, visiting beaches  and  seeing the nature at the best.I came home with a positive mind ready for the  next cycle. I so badly wanted to visit these two temples before my FET and so that’s what God wanted to I guess.On another note my friend F about whom I have mentioned here and here has her transfer tomorrow and I am darn excited for her,her positive will be my hope too, ok will stop now and leave with you some pics of our trip and have a great weekend.

 

IVF – Part 4

DISCLAIMER

Happy new year to all my readers, have a great year ahead and hope all dreams come true and hold out babies soon. All the TTC ladies are in my prayers.I still can’t believe its 2018. Last Jan when I was in the middle of the infertility treatment, I was still in those beginning phase of the treatment and was so sure will conceive in one of those clomid or one of the IUI’s, but the universe had some other plans I guess. As I type this, still there is no baby in my belly. I could have been PUPO(Pregnant Until Proven) by yesterday but I asked my RE for day five transfer.

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Ok coming back to the part 4 of out IVF, on 29th  Dec 2017 on the auspicious day of Vaikunta Ekadhasi according to our Hindu calendar, my egg pick up/retrieval (ER) was done by 1.30 pm, according to my trigger shot timings of 35 to 36 hours.I was praying that I should get at least 12 to 15 eggs, but we got only 10.In the morning before ER BH had to give fresh SA, but he had to give it soon , as he had some important meeting , so there was so much confusion but finally the embryologist agreed to give it sooner and BH gave the fresh sample left, even though there was frozen back up, that morning confusions was very taxing.

After the ER , when I woke up, RE came up to me and told that they got 10 eggs, lets see how the fertilization is, we will know about it tomorrow and went away before I could ask any questions.I was very angry about myself that I got only 10, by then my friend F came to meet me,  about whom I have mentioned   here and here. My friend told why are you even feeling bad when others don’t even get a egg or more less than yours, I was like I am worried about me I din’t want to compare  myself with anyone at that point.Anyways I felt better speaking to her.

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When I was declared fine by the duty doctor to go home,RE had  prescribed some tabs until I meet her on Monday day 3, seeing those tabs , my friend F told you might have fresh transfer, I was like it cant be, but those tabs were for readying me for the fresh transfer. I was confused and shocked cause I had prepared myself mentally for FET. I have written about it here so many times.I am on vaginal progesterone and one more tab I don’t know the name the other tablet for preparing for ET, those tabs are making me feel confused, heart burn,nauseous and very tired.

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I left the clinic praying all of our  eggs to be fertilized and not to think about the ET (Embryo Tranfer). Until the next day I was so darn nervous, until I got to know about our fertiliation. The report was 9 eggs were mature and 7 had fertilized, that was a ok news o me, I was ok fine. Then prayed that they all grow fine, praying was the only choice I had, that’s what I did on the last weekend of 2017.

Monday JAN 1 st 2018, I went to the clinic, the junior doc did the scan, she told my lining is good and after ER there was some fluid  in the utreus, that fluid was also not there everything was looking good , so they wanted me to do day three transfer.I was not able to react, I asked can we do day 5 transfer, the blastocyst transfer,they were like we will check with RE and then decide.

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I met the RE she was busy with ER with other patients, she said.She told that success rate does not vary much, most of my patients have had success with day 3 transfer, decide what you want and called the embryologist. The embryologist showed me the report, all 7 were going good on day 3,only one was slight behind but that also was good grade, they told it might catch up.

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This was the first time in my life that I took decision without consulting BH / mom/ mil or anyone,and the decision was made within a minute, I just told, that mentally blastocyst  transfer would be fine for me.Now tomorrow I will know how many have made it to blasts.RE suggested that if I want day 5 transfer then freeze two day 3 embryo which are actually really good,remaining 5 we can let it grow, in case we lose all during the day 5 we have two day 3 back up, so fingers crossed that all five grow on day 5, and I can get done with ET tomorrow, my friend  F told that even her  few d grade embryo grew until day 5, mine was grade b embies so it should grow fine she told, I was nervous after taking the decision she told just go with the flow it will work out. Please pray that my embryos grow and I can have ET tomorrow.

LIFE & TIMES

DISCLAIMER 

I have been a bit busy with loads of things in life. Sometimes life give us such a twist or a jolt I must say.I wanted to write so much, I  wanted to update here as much as possible, but some times life just fully pulls you into its in unpredictable ways .I am not working as of now, I am glad I am and not working or looking after my dads business at this point of time. Actually that’s what I was doing before, but those things are changing for time being. My dads not well, and will be going for surgery on Monday, he neglected his health now its like he has to be operated to be fine.It is not a major or minor surgery, its something in between,so my dads doctor has told that he will be fine and not to worry so that’s a relief as of now.

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So yes, its a surgery for him and also I guess I will be starting my injection/simulations and scans and what not I don’t know at the same time I guess. I should get my period by Monday, sometimes my periods are irregular so I don’t know when AF will start and when I will start IVF. I have written and said this hundred times,  and I will say it again and again until I am done , I am excited and nervous at the same time for the IVF sigh.


UPDATES

Last week we had gone to the clinic to show some of my pending reports and BH had to give semen for freezing. Freezing is just a back up, he has do do it again😁 during egg retrieval, for fresh sample, sigh. When I asked them why twice🤔, they told sometimes husbands wont be able to give sample on egg retrieval day, they are nervous or whatever, that’s why back up they told.

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My reports sigh, its a never ending saga. In the hospital I did Hystro-lap  did not give TB PCR report, the explanation for that is if APF culture  is fine/ negative means everything  is fine and that’s what even RE told last time but still she wanted the report, anyways after speaking to hundred people in the hospital they told the same story that that is APF report is fine means they don’t do TB PCR test, and that they would reimburse the money which I paid for the test.

I went to the hospital  last Monday to get my money back, they told it will take two to three days, but  its more then two weeks I have still not got the money. I called this Wednesday,because I din’t get any call from the hospital, they told me to come on Friday but I am a bit busy today will be going tomorrow, hopefully without any drama they will reimburse my money.


As I said that I have been busy with so many things happening in life, yesterday I had a very nice break. I had to go somewhere, but it got cancelled at the last minute, so I went to parlor got a nice facial done, it was  so very relaxing. I came back home and no one was there at home, so saw a Hindi movie after such a long time, it was so so so… good and relaxing and I enjoyed the movie, without any interruption, then I slept nicely , got up made nice my favorite black coffee just people watched from balcony/patio it was a great day.

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My BFF forced me to tell Vishnu Sahasranaman , she felt it will do good for my IVF cycle spiritually. My BFF is in London from 4 years, but the distance has made no difference in our friendship, she keeps giving me spiritual advice’s and I am glad to have her as my friend  and we connect you see. I am already doing lot spiritually, prayers and poojas, but she told just recite Vishnu Sahasranamam, so I started it from last Monday, I feel very nice and calm, Thank you R.


Hopefully AF will start soon and I can start with IVF, this waiting game is very frustrating.It’s either waiting because of the blood, biopsy or whatever test reports, then the doctors or clinic mistakes, doctors timings and my own body which I don’t want to talk negative about. It’s CD 33 and I am still waiting for AF. Hopefully I will start soon :).

 

 

A Letter to Myself

DISCLAIMER 

I want to write a letter  for myself before I start my first IVF.Why I want to write this letter to me is so that when I start the IVF procedure, I don’t know how my state of my mind will be. How and when I  might feel  low  I don’t know or  I don’t know even when I might feel happy,  so at that time, during those roller coaster emotions times, I want to come here and read this letter during those situations.

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Dear Sprha

Firstly Sprha you are STRONG that’s the reason you have decided to go ahead with IVF. You are more strong then you think, do you remember even to take a small blood test you would close your eyes and turn away. The most dreaded HSG test you did it even though it was under anesthesia , but you just did it and many invasive tests after that, remember you are strong and you can do this too.

 

The STRENGTH you have is really great and your own cousins have told  you that they see you as a very strong person and you are there strength, its an amazing feeling even though inside your breaking, why cant this amazing process of a making a baby so easy for others and why so difficult for me, but you are your own strength. My other friend told her friends that you are the most strongest person she has ever met, so  you know you can spread so much positive vibes. The Bravo , yes your BRAVE and  not only you , who all go thought IVF are freaking very brave, so just remember that always.

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STRESS-FREE, you should be stress-free as much as possible, it’s easier said then done, but try to be stress free, but, but if you cant be stress free don’t try  too much to be stress free , because it can add more stress to your already stressed mind. Being GOOD/NICE, I have read that when your on injections/ hormones for IVF, it can make you feel cranky  like your PMS-ing but the intensity will be more, so when you act like a made  person or cranky person, just breath and read this post.

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The SYMPTOMS ,yes when you start your stimulation’s and later after the embryo transfer, don’t try to research about the symptoms, I know its not easy to not go to the google doctor, but don’t over do it, don’t rely too much on it. The RESULT, I believe in karma, so I am going to to my duty and leave it to GOD,  at this point of time you just do what your supposed to do and believe in yourself and GOD.Do your yoga, meditations and pranayama they keep your mind calm as much as possible. That’s all I can remember as of now, if at all anyone reads this and want to give any tips I would love to know.

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Good Luck 🙂

There are many people in the world that go though IVF there are really great. I really salute them. Thank you all for making my journey a bit easy by writing about your journey.Anyone who reads this who is planning to do IVF or started with their first IVF, or when your reading this you might be going through second, third, fourth or so on. Some  you might relate too, some you may never ever relate or you may either relate to all or nothing at all.I just wanted to put down my feelings before IVF.

Finally A Breather

DISCLAIMER

Yes I got my reports finally. I was so tensed until I spoke to the doctor, the wait to meet the doctor was never ending .  It was such a relief  to talk to  the doctor, she told that all my reports  have come normal and I can now meet the RE with these reports. I asked her again that all is fine or what, she told yeah as of now all the reports are fine, but I din’t understand what she meant by ” as of now all is fine”, anyways I don’t want to dwell too much on it ,it is fine that’s it.

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The smear test, tissue , culture whatever all is fine is what I need to start IVF. I am sacred and excited at the same time,the roller coaster of emotions of IVF even before I have started the process. I need to be strong mentally first thing than anything, God give me strength that’s all I ask.On another note, I will be going to a naming ceremony tomorrow. It is of my first cousins first baby, so I need to go or it wont be nice, so I need to be more stronger than the IVF procedure . I will be meeting RE on Monday and know the details about IVF.

PS: (before reading the next part I want to tell you these are my opinions and experience, please don’t try to judge me and no negative comments please)

Today my bro wanted to ask something related to him to a very new astrologer, I had gone with him to meet the astrologer. My bro, mom and mil told me to ask, will the IVF be successful for me,I was in two minds whether to ask or not. I do believe in astrology but only to an extent, I believe more in the almighty then any predictions.

 

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The astrologer told that  I will not have kids , then he told IVF  will not be successful  now but it will be successful in 2020. I just listened no reaction at all, because I know my God better than anyone, I was very unfazed with whatever he said, also my mom and mil have asked some experienced astrologers where they have never ever told I will not have kids they have told that it will be late that’s all, whatever I am going ahead with IVF. I will do IVF and the results  I have left to my GOD, I know its easier said than done but that’s all I can do.

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The long Weekend & the most wanted Break…..

Disclaimer :: please read the DISCLAIMER before reading my blog posts.

This six week wait is very annoying and I just wanted a break from the routine and as always  I write about my infertility journey in this blog. I sometimes think  or I am actually obsessed about my infertility journey, and those emotional rants because of this infertility journey which I keep posting here, but I can’t help I want my baby that’s all, that’s the one thing In my mind always, not matter what, my baby is always at the back of my mind, so jotting down my thoughts here makes me feel better.

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It was a long weekend here, because of Dusshera festival and October 2nd Gandhi Jayanthi holidays here In India. So we decided to go to our holiday home, which is three hours drive from our place. Usually only me and BH go there, this time my in-laws decided to come with us, I was ok and I was not ok. Our holiday home is where the famous Dusshera happens, so the place was all lit up, so much festivity around, it’s the place you have to be when you want to know and feel the rich culture of India.

Since in-laws were with us, we mostly did loads of temple trips. It was tiring and blissful at the same time I must say, I and MIL (mother-in-law) are very close, like best friends and sometime she is a typical MIL, sigh. One thing I want to write about this trip was, we had gone to a Venugopala Temple, it’s just half an hour drive from our home, but this time we went there after going to many temples from morning.

At the Venagopala Temple, I felt very nice and calm, I was at peace.The temple has large prahara (compound), like inside near the grabha griha, outside the temple and again third compound, it’s a big temple; usually South Indian temples are big and majestic. It was peaceful loads of water all around because its near KRS dam .

When we came out of the temple, fully outside of the temple, me and BH walked  around the temple, just walk a blissful walk  no speaking nothing at all, just peace no talking about TTC infertility journey or anything in this world, our silence spoke that’s all I know, one of those beautiful blissful moments of my life. I just wanted to write it here that’s why this post here, and read when I am low.These sentence can’t explain those few moments.

Then when  we were back home, I and BH  were talking about, how nice and relaxing time it was. Then I told him, how I  wish we had  our  little one round we would have gone behind her/him so that she/he does not get hurt, or go behind someone, or just to keep an eye on her/him, sigh infertility journey never gets out of our system I guess. Anyways I will leave you with the pictures; the pictures will speak more about Temple  and the Dusshera.

PS: these picture were clicked by Me and BH.

PS: Some of the pics were sent by friends and one from google.

Spirituality and Infertility – 1

DISCLAIMER 

I always wanted to write about my spiritual  journey and how I became more spiritual with/ because of this infertility journey. As far as I remember I was always spiritual, but in between I was lost and  I was not  spiritual (but deep inside me I was spiritual, maybe I was not showing it out  or maybe I was sad) due do many things its a long story for another day.

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Then this unfortunate  journey of infertility made me more spiritual. I am glad this journey has made me more spiritual than I  was before, I don’t blame God at all for this tough journey he has given me.I believe in karma, so I have left it to God. I can only pray that’s all, the miracle he has to do, but I believe in him he will do it when my time comes, but this waiting for MY time is frustrating and  it is never ending.

I was and I am crazy when my infertility treatment started, I started doing all pooja/prayers. This time I wanted my treatment with Gods’s blessings.I feel along with my treatment prayers will make my miracle happen.In between all this my BFF (Best friend forever) sent me a link of pre-conception meditation . Do check out the link if you believe in the pre-birth commucation,

After I saw the video and also meditated listing to it there was no looking back , the world of pre-birth communication opened to me, it is such a wonderful feeling. The meditation calms you makes you feel good, at least for me I felt really nice.There is more about my spiritual and pre-birth communication journey that’s why it will be posted in many parts.

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PS: If anyone who reads this and does not believe please don’t  believe but don’t write any negative comments, thank you.