2017 – The Roller Coaster Year

DISCLAIMER

First let me wish you a advance wishes for the new year 2018.

Happy New Year Quotes Wishes Message & SMS for Family 2018

I want to write about the roller coaster ride of 2017, It was no a bad year, but it was not good year either. This year was all about  hospital/clinic visits ,blood work, scans, procedures, pregnancy announcements , baby showers, naming ceremony many more, many more which are a part of this Indian society sigh. I just want to look back  and see how it was and how I have survived all the above, and read when I am low, and know that I am strong and can be an inspiration for others.

 

Let me start with JANUARY,  AF had come on 18th Dec , my gynecologist had told me to do follicle study scan from day 14 until until I ovulate, so the scan went until the first week of Jan, I did not ovulate until the cd 21, I had many follicles but they were growing very slowly, so I went to the doc, my doc told the same, that follicles are there but not growing on time cause of PCOS/PCOD .So my gynec told to do HSG test before further treatments, I waited and waited no signs of AF in Jan.My first cousin and my bro also announced there pregnancy just fifteen days apart. When I started my treatment from June 2016 my cousin sister had announced her pregnancy.

In FEBRUARY I went to meet gynec and told her that no period and its more than one and half month, she told me to check HPT and it was obviously negative, then she told me we will wait until  three months , and if I get period sooner, that I should get hsg test between cd 5 to cd 9. Finally  AF on 18th FEB, and on 24th got my HSG test done.

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In MARCH no AF again, I was just waiting AF to start so that I could start my clomid cycles.Nothing happened in March.I started this blog in March, I wanted  to vent out, I felt I was alone, I knew few friends and cousins who were /went through infertility,but no one was ready to speak about it, its ok its thrre choice ifbthey d9 not want to speak,but touch wood I have many friends where I can share and talk about infertility now.

In APRIL AF finally arrived , stared my first  clomid cycle.I hated the first cycle with 50mg clomid, I had all the side effects, like hot flashes , blur vision and much more. I ovulated on time, but it did not work.

In MAY I started the second clomid cycle but I have fever , diarrhea and nausea,from the day 2 started clomid, it was 50 mg for second cycle too. I ovulated very late on CD 21 or something and it dint work too. In May at our home they decided to start preparation for my SIL’s baby shower,I was wondering how I will face people in the baby shower, but I had to be strong.

The month of JUNE my third  clomid cycle  it stared late since I ovulated late due to health issues in May cycle. It was the baby shower month and my third clomid cycle with increased 100 mg of clomid .I was the one running around for the baby shower, I hated myself for the way I was feeling, I cant even explain. I manged by being strong during the baby shower.

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In JULY I ovulated fine in my third cycle on time, but it did not work. I met my gynecologist who told that since this is not working, she would prefer to do hysteroscopy and if wanted Laparoscopy too, and referred me to RE.

In AUGUST I met RE, showed all my reports and said that my Gynec wants second opinion if I need hystro-lap. She told its better I go for Hystrp-lap, and suggested some blood work for me and BH and SA for BH. Other than that nothing  happened in August.

In SEPTEMBER , hystro-lap was done , what a relief other than nothing happened . I was just waiting for my reports so that I could go ahead with the RE. Only thing I got to know with the lap was that both my tubes were blocked and I had no other choice than IVF.Then the longest ever six week wait.

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In October I finally got my reports and period after 45 days after the lap. Met the RE again with reports but there was so much confusion, due to some reports missing and all. RE told me to come on the second day of the period with all the remaining reports.

I was waiting for the NOVEMBER AF/period but it dint happen, I don’t know why I was not getting my period.Also there was some confusion about my reports which was cleared but not to my and RE’s satisfaction.My dad also was not well that time, it was the hardest month of my life.I waited until end of the month, to get my period but noth7ng happened, so I decided to meet RE to get some tab to get my period.

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I had spotting on DECEMBER 2nd, met RE on 4th Dec, she told my lining is thick I have two cysts on my right ovary and maybe that’s why delay in my period, but luckily it was a harmless cyst.RE also told that unless I get heavy bleeding I cant start my IVF injection so many road blocks.

Then the rest is history finally I started my IVF injections from 16th Dec,It was twelve days of injection, On 28th early morning 2 .00 am was my trigger shot,on 29th was my egg pick up. I will write about how many eggs and and how many have fertilized after meeting the RE tomorrow on January 2018 .Hope 2018 will make our dreams come true and I wish everyone hold our babies soon.HAPPY AND PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR TO ALL.Thank you all for being a part of my journey.The last post of the year.

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INFERTILITY & …………………………MEN

DISCLAIMER 

No I am not writing/talking about male infertility diagnoses , I want to know how they feel and deal mentally / psychologically  with Infertility. How I wish I could know , how men deal with infertility. I want to know in general how men deal with it. I do not want to know when only  a man has  been diagnosed with infertility how he feels and deals with it. I want to know even if the problem is only  from the men’s side or  only  with the wife /spouse  or if both the husband and wife were diagnosed with infertility. I want to understand know how they feel and mainly how they deal with it. We women speak to our girl friends, there are online forums, of course blogging and many more outlets for women but what about the men.

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Whats in my BH’s mind, seriously I wonder whats in his mind most of the time. In our case I have more problem compared to his, like pcod/pcos, tube blocks, hormonal imbalance and what not, his SA is fine most of the time. Whenever we meet our RE she tells me in our case the  problem is main mine then BH’s , so I wonder how he feels and when people ask him when we are going to have kids, that too in our Indian society it difficult to handle such situations. for men its even more difficult.In the beginning they ask only women but after few years, even men are not spared, but more subtly then for women.

 

I asked BH how he feels with all this  monthly treatment( for me obviously)he told “I don’t know what to say”. I din’t pester him much. I know he feels bad every time I have to take tabs , go through those blood and urine work , invasive tests , surgeries whatnot. Sometimes he tells me to please stop it may effect my health and he gets angry why do we need to do so much, I just keep quite because, I know he feels for me at that moment and then realizes for what we are doing this.

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Then there are times he asks me when are we staring the IVF procedure.I wonder does he fully understand this journey, I guess I won’t know what he feels because I feel , men or my man does not want to talk much about this topic.When I carry babies in front of him or show my nephew/niece videos who were all born this year , he does not like it I don’t what I should think about this behavior of his.

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Wish he could be more understanding , more supportive not just coming to fertility clinic to give samples or for blood works, I know those are necessary but I need more support from him. I am not telling he is not supportive or always  be obsessive like me, but little more understating will be more better or maybe I am asking too much ,he is not always supportive, sometimes he just wants  it to be, let go for sometime, but I cant that , that’s why theses conflicts in me I guess, I think I should try and understand him. I don’t know what I am writing.If you have read this post until now, you’re great.

Anyways I would love know how your better half supports you and if not how you would want them to support you.

The long Weekend & the most wanted Break…..

Disclaimer :: please read the DISCLAIMER before reading my blog posts.

This six week wait is very annoying and I just wanted a break from the routine and as always  I write about my infertility journey in this blog. I sometimes think  or I am actually obsessed about my infertility journey, and those emotional rants because of this infertility journey which I keep posting here, but I can’t help I want my baby that’s all, that’s the one thing In my mind always, not matter what, my baby is always at the back of my mind, so jotting down my thoughts here makes me feel better.

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It was a long weekend here, because of Dusshera festival and October 2nd Gandhi Jayanthi holidays here In India. So we decided to go to our holiday home, which is three hours drive from our place. Usually only me and BH go there, this time my in-laws decided to come with us, I was ok and I was not ok. Our holiday home is where the famous Dusshera happens, so the place was all lit up, so much festivity around, it’s the place you have to be when you want to know and feel the rich culture of India.

Since in-laws were with us, we mostly did loads of temple trips. It was tiring and blissful at the same time I must say, I and MIL (mother-in-law) are very close, like best friends and sometime she is a typical MIL, sigh. One thing I want to write about this trip was, we had gone to a Venugopala Temple, it’s just half an hour drive from our home, but this time we went there after going to many temples from morning.

At the Venagopala Temple, I felt very nice and calm, I was at peace.The temple has large prahara (compound), like inside near the grabha griha, outside the temple and again third compound, it’s a big temple; usually South Indian temples are big and majestic. It was peaceful loads of water all around because its near KRS dam .

When we came out of the temple, fully outside of the temple, me and BH walked  around the temple, just walk a blissful walk  no speaking nothing at all, just peace no talking about TTC infertility journey or anything in this world, our silence spoke that’s all I know, one of those beautiful blissful moments of my life. I just wanted to write it here that’s why this post here, and read when I am low.These sentence can’t explain those few moments.

Then when  we were back home, I and BH  were talking about, how nice and relaxing time it was. Then I told him, how I  wish we had  our  little one round we would have gone behind her/him so that she/he does not get hurt, or go behind someone, or just to keep an eye on her/him, sigh infertility journey never gets out of our system I guess. Anyways I will leave you with the pictures; the pictures will speak more about Temple  and the Dusshera.

PS: these picture were clicked by Me and BH.

PS: Some of the pics were sent by friends and one from google.

The Amazing Support….

Disclaimer :: please read the DISCLAIMER before reading my blog posts.

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I have always written about negative people in my life in this blog , so I thought I must write here about the amazing support I have here, from this blogging community, friends from Indus- ladies forum, few close friends and  of course my BH , mom, mil , cousins and few more from my  family.There are so many un-supportive  people but this post is not about them,  its  about the support that is making my journey bearable .I always felt I am alone in this journey and people who have not gone though this infertility journey will never understand.

Sometimes I fight with my mom and mil when they suggest/advice me on infertility treatments , they have no intentions to hurt me but those advice’s are not necessary for me because  they do not know about infertility journey and its treatment too, I  just get angry sometimes and yell at them,but I know they feel helpless sometimes and talk too me so I am sorry Ma and MIL if I  hurt you, but still I want to add that they don’t know how it feels, they don’t even know how it feels every month or years we keeping hoping it will happen and that its a never ending frustrating journey  that only we can understand.

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There are few people who even though have no idea about this infertility journey and nor do I want them to experience it, but they try to understand and I really appreciate it and I am really happy about those people in my life. My cousin T had a baby in Feb she is one person who never made me feel that she got pregnant easily and she see’s me as strong person, that I can handle anything but only I know that I am breaking everyday, ok that’s not the point but she knows how to make me feel better. My BFF R is one person feels for me, but when she came to know about out TTC woes, she was not able understand me,I was very hurt when she said “just relax” “it’s God’d will” “it will happen” etc but now she thinks before she speaks and tries to understand me.

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Then there is S from Indus-ladies who encourages me , understands me, supports me and when I am afraid of the procedures the way she makes those so minute and very smaller than the result  which our baby is and the relief I feel after speaking I cant describe in words, I just love here for that, we hardly know our real names or anything but I feel so good chatting with her. Then there is one more person from Indus-ladies D where we both are almost sailing in the same boat and we are still getting to know each other.Then the amazing blogging community who never make me feel that I am alone at all those comments make my day, I love your support , those posts, comments  and when I have doubts you clear those it is such a great support, thank you all.

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Update: Today I will be meeting to get my reports on whatever pending reports after Laparoscopy which I have mentioned in my last post, so will know what next in this irritating journey.will update more soon.

 

 

 

Updates and Rants …..

After loads of emotional posts,I wanted to post about my consultations with  both the RE and my Gynecologist, but in India you just get stuck in the daily Indian dramas. Here it was one of the big festivals  In India on Thursday and Friday. It is the Ganesha Chaturthi so was busy shopping for festival and meeting doctors too.Then  later so many other things happened.

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On Friday I wanted to write, but again my  pregnant SIL (sister in law, brother’s wife) was crying in pain , she has some gal-bladder stone and it has aggravated due to hormonal changes during pregnancy, so we were very nervous, my bro took her to hospital , this is the fourth time she is admitted in hospital, she is fine now, luckily the baby is fine. She conceived exactly 2 or 3 months after the wedding , she is 9 years younger than me (she is 24 years). She has become pregnant without much effort so she is not bothered, she was asking the doctor to do cesarean and to keep the baby in incubator because she was in pain due to the gal-bladder stone, this was  when she  was just eight months (now she is 8.5 months), the doctor scolded her and told the baby will be pre-mature if we do that. She just wants the baby out that’s all not bothered about its well-being, now she is 36 weeks  so doctor has told to wait until 38 weeks.

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Here we are struggling to get pregnant and people want to just finish it off like it is some unwanted chore, they have got it easily so they don’t know the value, God why do you do this……

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OK now my reports ,got mine and BH’s blood reports and his SA result too. They even wanted to get us cleared with HIV, HBSAG, HCV, VDRL, Rubella( Rubella was only for me) etc all was clear and perfect for both of us, this is a routine check up here in India  when we first go to meet RE.

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MY REPORTS

Mine is Arcuate Uterus, this info I knew from my HSG reports itself.I read it fine , and no problem for conceiving, but I would like to know from first hand experienced person, who has arcuate uterus.

TSH – THYROID, PROLOCTIN ,AMH (EGGS) – 4.93 NG/ML , FSH all good, all other blood work reports are fine.

BH’s REPORT

SA – good count, motility and morphology is on lower side.

So both RE and gynecologist have suggested Hystro-lap/Hystroscopy after I get my period. Then later RE told we can try two  IUI’s and then later IVF cause I am in early thirties.

Has anyone done Hystro-lap, do let me know about the procedure and how it has worked for you.

 

A Letter to Family & Friends

I wish I could make people understand us and also they should know  how to treat us or shut the #@$* up. when a person knows that the other person is taking infertility treatment they should think before they speak . they should know what they are talking, like I have said in my previous post.

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Today I am hurt my tears are not stopping my eyes are red I want to hide from everyone I don’t want to be seen as a weak person, I don’t want to talk about how the person hurt me or the topic which hurt me, but I need justification for  what they said, it hurts .I wish everyone who has hurt me  could  read this also  few more points I would like to add.

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Just because you got pregnant  easily that does not mean your great or I am good for nothing.

Just because it happened for you one or few tries that does not mean it will never happen me, it will happen when it has to happen , every dog has its day, my day will come too.

If you cant understand me please don’t ever try to understand me. I don’t want you to understand me, but let me be. live and let live.

If you cant support me during my infertility journey, don’t support me but don’t hurt me with meaning less nonsense talks.

Then there are people who become pregnant easily, then they plan and wait for second one, then they decide and become pregnant again,  some want to plan but become pregnant by accident  or whatever and in front of us act as if it such a pain , they wanted to travel but could not due to the baby, they could not to not take a promotion, they could not. that, they could not do this uff what not . I the ask God WHY ME, WHY ME, why are you punishing me, I am dying for a baby and then you give for others who don’t want or having it just cause it happened. Its never ending rant.I a not bad the situations make me bad person.

Since you can get pregnant so easily you will never know or understand how precious our miracle babies will be for us, you can never know that, cause its our journey not yours. Your baby will be obviously precious to you, all babies are are precious in-fact, but the intense pain this journey has caused will see our babies in more different light and we know for what we have fought for.

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When people struggle to get pregnant and then conceive I feel so hopeful that we to shall conceive soon, I just feel so happy for them, but when I see people who just become pregnant in one or few tries and act like only they are pregnant  in the world and no one else can be pregnant now are in future.When I hear such stories I cringe.

I thank God sometimes (not always) for making me go through this infertility journey, because it has taught me so much  and still teaching me many things about life. people,relationships, materialist things , spirituality  , otherwise I would have never known. This journey has taught me that everyone will be with you in good times and very few will be with us when we are in a bad phase of life, but that’s life isn’t it, when we know the true meaning of life.

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If you have read until here you are great.I wanted to write about my blood work reports, BH’s reports and all but today’s one incident in the morning created by some close people is making me feel low, I know I am not like this I am strong and I can handle this, I have such a beautiful online support. I thank God for that. Will be meeting RE tomorrow and Gynecologist on Wednesday to discuss about lap,that’s it for now.

PS; If  there are any grammatical mistakes. please ignore I just wrote it in a flow.

 

 

The New RE

So I finally meet the new RE, I was actually scared to meet a RE , util now I have only met a gynecologist  for all the treatments, so maybe since I don’t know how it will be with RE I fear I guess don’t know . First they postponed my meeting with RE on Monday to Wednesday. I was worried and not feeling fine on Tuesday to meet RE, I thought will postpone on next Thursday or Friday, I almost decided to move the meeting day to next week,then again decided against it, cause the more I postpone the meeting the more I will feel worried and I don’t know how to explain that feeling hope you understood what all this TTC journey, infertility journey makes us feel sigh.

I had a appointment at 11.45 am, I was there at 11.40 am , first they took all my old reports  and wanted to know who referred me there, after that they took such a long time to register.Then I was send to one room, where a lady created my ID , took all my details where I stay , what me and BH does , then she checked my weight and height, then she told me to empty the bladder and wait ugggg. I hate TVS  (Trans vaginal scan) scans.

Then I meet a junior doc, she took all my details, I told about my ttc journey , my treatments and all. She told me to wait again with empty bladder, but I was sure that the RE wont check me, cause I had just come for second opinion on laparoscopy .

Then I was called in to meet THE RE, she asked me again about my ttc journey and she was like ,why did you take such a long time to take treatment, we had our reasons I gave her some reason. She told she wants to check me to check If my eggs are good, that’s the  TVS scan I asked her if it was necessary at this point of time, she told , we women don’t produce eggs like how men can produce  semen all there life time, we are born with eggs and it decreases as we grow old, for some the egg will be less even at 25 or 30 , so it depend on each women, hesitatingly  I went for check up. Then after  check up she told my eggs are good for my age, on right ovary I had one dominant follicle and many on left , She told me to get AMH test for myself to know about my eggs via blood work too. Then she told me to do get some more blood work for me and BH and also SA for BH in there hospital only, she told they can give better result then any other lab cause they are infertility clinic. Then we better get lap done and decide whether we go for IUI or IVF directly.

So next week all the blood work and BH’s tests will be done then will be meeting her again before lap and then the next course will be decided after lap only. So lets see how it goes.

 

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HSG test in Bangalore

I was and I am all always scared of HSG   hysterosalpingogram test. So finally after six or seven months of natural try, taking tabs , some scans, blood work SA for BH nothing worked, so before going clomid and TI (timed intercourse). My doc suggested HSG test to be done either from day 6 to day 9, I told I am darn scared but I had to do it.

My doc suggested to consult the best radiologist  in Bangalore, but that radiologist  was not giving anesthesia , so searched all the hospitals in Bangalore finally zeroed on two hospitals, read reviews and finalized one hospital which is one of good hospital in Bangalore.

The hospital was Gunasheela Hospital, Jayanagar. Since I am not the regular patient there, there was loads of confusion. I was first giving a mock register number, then they told  me to get some unwanted blood work, even though I had almost blood work done but they wanted me to get it. So I gave the blood for test , then they told me to come next day to meet the anesthetist for checking whether I can take  anesthesia or not.Next day went to the meet the doc he cleared me for taking anesthesia.All my reports are fine so  I was asked to come on day 7 (or I told that I would want it to be done on day 7)and they  gave me some tabs to take on the test day early morning , take only coffee and biscuits and not to eat anything until the procedure,and the test will be done by 12 noon.

I went to the hospital on day seven by 10 am, paid the amount then they gave me a hospital gown to wear.Then they took me to something like operation theater  , there the anesthetist spoke very nicely , as he was speaking they had give IV by then and later the  doc injected something and I lost conscious then after 10 mins or soo they woke me up and told that the test was done, even after the test it was paining, it was like bad period cramps and was bleeding a bit, and  I was not fully conscious.

After maybe two or three hours I felt better, they told me take water, then  they told me take juice after half an hour , then again after half an hour some light food like idly. Then when I felt better they checked me told that all is good and I can go home. It was a long tiring day and HSG was over finally.

Ok my  HSG results, right tube blocked and left tube fine, so one tube is blocked.

Cost – 3000 rs for blood work, 500 rs for  meeting anesthetist  and 6000 rs for HSG test.I felt it was too much, if you are their regular patient it costs less I guess.

PS: Gunasheela Hospital  its very crowded , they dint give any written test report only x-ray report , my gynecologist had to interpret by herself and she gave the report to the in-house radiologist  and he gave interpretation by seeing by x-ray. So for all the amount I paid,  I was not satisfied. Only thing was they were doing the test by under anesthesia.

After HSG I did three clomid cycles I have written here, now my doc is suggested get laparoscopy before further treatment. I will be meeting a new RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist ) suggested by my doc/Gynecologist  then we will decide what and when. It’s a long long journey.

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TTC and life around IT….

My TTC journey you can from here.In July  19th 2016 when we decided to meet the recommended gynecologist, first thing that came to my mind was all the invasive check ups because I know these check ups and dint pursue many time in the past, but this time I had to do it. I am already in early thirties , and I just wanted my baby, so I made up my mind to be stronger . Finally when we met the doc, and she got to know about our ttc journey , she asked me and BH to get some blood work done and SA (semen analysis).

Our results were out, mine all are fine only LH was on lower side. BH’s SA counts were good , morphology was good but motility was on lower side. I was told to take cetaptin   500 mg two times a day  and folic acid one tab per day , some mineral powder for BH  and doc told me to try naturally for three months if it not worked we ll see what can be done next.

Nothing happened in three are four months, went back to doc she told me to just do follicle scan  without medication to check whether I am ovulating naturally or not and SA  for BH to know how it is now after three months, so that she can decide what can be done next. On day 13 I went scanning  had many small follicles ,then went for alternate day scans but the growth was very slow. Then I waited to get my period which was delayed and got my period exactly after 60 days that’s two months sigh.BH’s SA this time were same again little lesser compared to last time but not much difference.

Met my doc  after AF (Auntflow/period) she told to get HSG test between day 6 to day 8, one of the most dreaded test, I was scared .I told my doc that I was scared of the test, she told if I am scared then we ll have to do Laparoscopy, so she told its better to first take HSG then we can decide what can be done next. So got HSG test on day 7 , will write in detail about the test.

According to HSG result my right tube was blocked  and my left was partial spill or maybe it was fine  not sure.From next cycle I was put on clomid 50 mg from day 2 to day 6. My first  cycle failed, next cycle was also 50 mg clomid which failed again. Third cycle I was on 100 mg clomid it failed too.

In all the cycles my follicle grew nicely  up to 20 mm to 24 mm and ruptured/ovulated on my own on day 17/18, only second cycle I was very unwell and I ovulated on day 23 I think so, but I did ovulate on my own in all cycles. Its a long tiring journey.

Next what, will update soon.

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About MY TTC Journey in a jest

It’s been a long journey and still my journey is not over, until I hold my baby in my hands, hopefully it will happen soon. We have been married for ten years, I was 23 he was 25. We know each other for 16 years .In the beginning we wanted to have a child, it was like we were ok if it happened. Pregnancy dint  happen then many things happened we travelled, built homes, fought like we hated each other, we dint want to be with each other (but inside we knew we can’t be without each other). Those are the days that has made our relationship stronger. In all these after five years of our wedding  I  tried homeopathy treatment , then later after  two years took ayurvedic treatment cause I knew I had pcod before wedding thought will set it right and maybe we might as well conceive somehow, nothing worked cause my better half (BH) was not ready.

In between from past 3 years we have been trying to conceive (ttc) cause we had been married for already seven years, from mid 2014 when we started ttc I had some problem in my uterus, I was shocked I was in denial mode and had met the worst doctor instead of trying to calm me or at least not scaring me. She told something major was wrong and I was taking tabs almost for 5000rs per month, sigh. Then after three months I had to travel out of the country so stopped taking her prescribed tabs after three months, but had some symptoms of whatever the worst doc had diagnosed.

I came back after three months went to a different doctor. The new doctor told nothing to worry I do have a problem but can be solved I sighed hmmm. She prescribed some tabs for three months, she told me to ttc during those days. I think we did conceive in my third month but before even I could confirm I started bleeding. Then again came back to my home country but dint go to any doc thought will try naturally regularly, though  we had been ttc for one year, but with loads of break in between cause of my health , BH’s travel  and many more .

The second year also we dint try that seriously , for many unfortunate reasons, was back to my home country too so   in 2016 we decided enough is enough and we had been married for 9 years by now, so I decided I will first search for a good gynaecologist, my aunt recommended a good gynaecologist whom she has been seeing form a very long time, that the best thing that happened last year. I met my new gynaecologist, she asked our history, from when we are trying and many more and started my treatment.

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Uufff It’s a long post will update more about it what she told us and now in what situation we are, but I want to tell I am sure I will hold my bay soon.