I for Invasive & Insurance #A to Z Challenge

DISCLAMER

Infertility treatments are very very invasive I must say. When we decided we wanted babies, and nothing worked the normal way, we tried the all the non-invasive treatments like Ayurveda and Homeopathy when those were exhausted,I had no choice but to go the Allopathic way , I am was darn scared because I knew it would be very invasive. We being the google generation , we just google every darn thing. Everything I read was all about tvs-scans, HSG test , hysteroscopy and much more, the list is never ending, and every time we go for check ups, tvs scan is a must, or the RE wont know whats happening with the reproductive system.

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The above tests are just the beginning, once your a part of either IUI or IVF roller coaster ride, its even more invasive, now I am just used to those invasive scans, if my RE does not ask me to get undressed from my lower part I will be worried, and will be thinking why she is not scanning today, nah nah after speaking to me the nurse tells me to undress and dang the scan is done, its not painful but its obviously uncomfortable. Invasive in the part of infertility life.

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Insurance I wont talk much, but here in India insurance is not covered for a single infertility issue, we have to pay everything from our pocket and these treatments are very expensive. Every time my RE suggests tests I need to think how much it might costs and when should it be paid, its very draining mentally, physically and financially , dint I say you need to be a warrior to go through infertility treatments.


PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences, I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

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B for Beta HCG # A to Z challenge

DISCLAIMER

Beta HCG  is the word for A to Z challenge,Beta hcg is never the beginning in the infertility journey nor the ending its somewhere in between, all B’s here, but it is one of the important tests to know if your pregnant, also  to know how the pregnancy is progressing, when the number are doubling  or their is increase in the hcg level in the blood after every 48 to 72 hours . Beta hcg is a blood test/work after the dreaded two week wait (tww) to know if your pregnant or not. TWW is usually after your natural  timed cycle,clomid cycle , IUI , IVF , FET cycle and much more difficult cycles, where you little embryo is formed and you will know if its growing and stuck to the uterus, after the tww that is approximately 14 to 15 days depending  after clomid, natural, IUI cycles and in IVF cycle depending on the day of the embryo like day 3 embryo and day 5 embryo transfer.

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I know this is all complicated but this just the beginning not ending after positive pregnancy test. The hcg level in your blood should be good if not ok, then the numbers should double, after a week the embryo should grow, later after another week heartbeat should be detected and its its never ending until we hold the baby, these infertility treatments are never ending and their is no success guaranteed after all the physical, mental and financial drain.

PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings  and experiences which I have know because of this infertility journey, I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist), also for B this is the best word I knew for the #AtoZchallenge, hope people have understood my post, if at all anyone has read.

 

 

 

Injections and Injections – IVF

DISCLAIMER 

Yes, its injections and injections , that’s the part of IVF, I know and everyone who has gone through IVF will know.I am not complaining just saying. Today it is CD 8/Day 7 of injections. on day 6 of injections, RE did the second TV scan after my day 2 scan to start  IVF TV Scan/USG,I hate those TV scans, during the scan she counted my follicles it was maybe 16 or 17 of them, my endometrium lining was 6.6 mm or something.

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RE wanted to add one more injection along with the two other injections which I am already taking  , so its three injections from yesterday. Before adding the third injections RE wanted to know my E2 levels , so gave blood to know about my estrogen level so took only the two injections in the morning. In the evening by 4.00 pm they rang me and said that my levels were normal and I can take the third injection, so off I went to take the third injection, this was also in thigh, so I take three injections two on the thigh and one on the buttock.

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From day one I am taking Gonal F and Humog  until day five, then from day six Cetrotide was added. From yesterday I have slight pain because of injections, but I am fine, its not hindering my day to day activities. I am trying to be calm as much as possible.I have an appointment with RE,tomorrow one more scan and hopefully will know when is the egg retrieval and any more follicles or maybe they will increase or decrease my injection dosages.I am nervous and excited but I don’t want to have too much expectations, I just want to be neutral. Thats all for now, will update tomorrow after my meeting with RE. Any tips would be great.

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INFERTILITY & …………………………MEN

DISCLAIMER 

No I am not writing/talking about male infertility diagnoses , I want to know how they feel and deal mentally / psychologically  with Infertility. How I wish I could know , how men deal with infertility. I want to know in general how men deal with it. I do not want to know when only  a man has  been diagnosed with infertility how he feels and deals with it. I want to know even if the problem is only  from the men’s side or  only  with the wife /spouse  or if both the husband and wife were diagnosed with infertility. I want to understand know how they feel and mainly how they deal with it. We women speak to our girl friends, there are online forums, of course blogging and many more outlets for women but what about the men.

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Whats in my BH’s mind, seriously I wonder whats in his mind most of the time. In our case I have more problem compared to his, like pcod/pcos, tube blocks, hormonal imbalance and what not, his SA is fine most of the time. Whenever we meet our RE she tells me in our case the  problem is main mine then BH’s , so I wonder how he feels and when people ask him when we are going to have kids, that too in our Indian society it difficult to handle such situations. for men its even more difficult.In the beginning they ask only women but after few years, even men are not spared, but more subtly then for women.

 

I asked BH how he feels with all this  monthly treatment( for me obviously)he told “I don’t know what to say”. I din’t pester him much. I know he feels bad every time I have to take tabs , go through those blood and urine work , invasive tests , surgeries whatnot. Sometimes he tells me to please stop it may effect my health and he gets angry why do we need to do so much, I just keep quite because, I know he feels for me at that moment and then realizes for what we are doing this.

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Then there are times he asks me when are we staring the IVF procedure.I wonder does he fully understand this journey, I guess I won’t know what he feels because I feel , men or my man does not want to talk much about this topic.When I carry babies in front of him or show my nephew/niece videos who were all born this year , he does not like it I don’t what I should think about this behavior of his.

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Wish he could be more understanding , more supportive not just coming to fertility clinic to give samples or for blood works, I know those are necessary but I need more support from him. I am not telling he is not supportive or always  be obsessive like me, but little more understating will be more better or maybe I am asking too much ,he is not always supportive, sometimes he just wants  it to be, let go for sometime, but I cant that , that’s why theses conflicts in me I guess, I think I should try and understand him. I don’t know what I am writing.If you have read this post until now, you’re great.

Anyways I would love know how your better half supports you and if not how you would want them to support you.

Done with Hysteroscopy and Laparoscopy

I am sitting here with slightissh pain after the Hysteroscopy with Laparoscopy (hystero-lap).I am tired  and have slight pain in my tummy and shoulders.I was so scared last week until this was done, now I am relieved that its done and I am here sitting and typing about my experience.

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I went at 6 in the morning and came back at 9. pm.I was feeling ok by evening, but due to billing formalities it took long time. and by the time I was home it was darn late.I just wanted to be in bed.

They did  HSG again, hysteroscopy and laparoscopy. They basically did HSG again to check if my right tube is really blocked as I said in my previous post, they wanted to to either unblock or clip my right tube if it was creating problem for me to conceive.I still can’t understand, why last time they told that only right tube was blocked and left was fine , but now they are telling both are blocked, why dint they find out last time only, I would not have wasted my time, money and energy from last seven months.My karma I guess I have to go thought all this.

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I need to meet my gynecologist on Saturday to remove the stitches, they have made small cuts near the  navel and in my lower abdomen, that’s little painful and I get like a lighting feel kind of pain near my abdomen and on the sides of abdomen, has anybody felt like that who have undergone hysteroscopy and laparoscopy, please let me know.

I think they have sent my endometrium lining and others (whatever it is which I don’t know) for biopsy and tests, I don’t know when I will be getting results for those, so when I go to meet my doc on Saturday I know about those, hopefully everything is fine and I can go head for the next steps.IMG-20170827-WA0013

 

The most shocking result was when my doc came to meet me after I gained conscious, she told that both my tubes are blocked and IVF is the solution. My doc spoke to my mom who accompanied me and told her that she tried it very hard to unblock the tubes,but she could not do that, so it is IVF for me, I still need to digest the fact. I thought at least we will do two IUI’s but God has other plans for me I guess.Hopefully my other reports will be fine and they will be fine I guess or my doc would have told then itself if there were other problems, I am trying to be optimistic and be mentally ready to start IVF process.

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Hystero-Laparoscopy

 

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I met my doctor again on Wednesday, did some more tests Echo and X ray, last week too she had told some blood work, met anesthesiologist too,  all reports are fine, and I am told I am all good to go for the surgery. I have mixed feelings. Hystro-Lap is scheduled on Monday.

 

Hystero-Laparoscopy is done under anesthesia  so I am ok with that, but my doc told if I have any problem in my uterus they will do Laparotomy and clear it off, but I am worried and hopefully everything will be finished with  Hystero-Laparoscopy. I am really worried what if it is laparatomy. I am just very nervous, because its a big surgery is what I have heard and read.

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Update:- Today the junior gynecologist called me,she told that since my right tube is blocked according to my HSG report, they will check again during Hystro-lap, if its really blocked, they will try to rectify it, if is really bad and not helping me for conception(this I really did not understand) means they will remove my right tube, that’s what my gynecologist and RE have discussed, the junior gynecologist told me.

The junior gynecologist told me that she did not want to shock or frighten me by telling on Monday morning when I go for the surgery, so she had to tell me about my right tube.I asked her about Laparotomy she told me  not to worry, only in the rarest of rarest case Laparotomy is done and not to worry. In case if I have any problem at all then they might go for it  or else most of the time its  not needed at all, they just want my consent before they put me under anesthesia. They suggest everyone who’s goes though hystro-Lap before hand to be ready for Laparotomy, but that’s makes anyone nervous right.

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Almost all the people I know get pregnant so easily , and here I am doing so many things even before and struggling  to get pregnant. Suddenly with all these invasive methods I get really very scared and feel like stopping everything, then I feel that stopping without even trying means giving up totally, how can I leave all this when I have come this long in this journey, its very exhausting  and frustrating journey.

I am just too confused , afraid , feeling low and lonely. I just want to leave it all to God and trust him and that’s all I can do.I just pray  to God to give me the strength that’s all.   If  anybody has done Hystro-Laparoscopy / Laparotomy let me know, how it was for you and what  was the results positive or negative , whatever do let me know.

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Sometimes I wonder what is happening in my life……………

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PS; First of all I want to tell you all that my brothers wife gave birth to a healthy boy baby on Tuesday 29th august , I am very very happy for them. The baby is so very cute I cant take out my eyes from him.

Updates and Rants …..

After loads of emotional posts,I wanted to post about my consultations with  both the RE and my Gynecologist, but in India you just get stuck in the daily Indian dramas. Here it was one of the big festivals  In India on Thursday and Friday. It is the Ganesha Chaturthi so was busy shopping for festival and meeting doctors too.Then  later so many other things happened.

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On Friday I wanted to write, but again my  pregnant SIL (sister in law, brother’s wife) was crying in pain , she has some gal-bladder stone and it has aggravated due to hormonal changes during pregnancy, so we were very nervous, my bro took her to hospital , this is the fourth time she is admitted in hospital, she is fine now, luckily the baby is fine. She conceived exactly 2 or 3 months after the wedding , she is 9 years younger than me (she is 24 years). She has become pregnant without much effort so she is not bothered, she was asking the doctor to do cesarean and to keep the baby in incubator because she was in pain due to the gal-bladder stone, this was  when she  was just eight months (now she is 8.5 months), the doctor scolded her and told the baby will be pre-mature if we do that. She just wants the baby out that’s all not bothered about its well-being, now she is 36 weeks  so doctor has told to wait until 38 weeks.

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Here we are struggling to get pregnant and people want to just finish it off like it is some unwanted chore, they have got it easily so they don’t know the value, God why do you do this……

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OK now my reports ,got mine and BH’s blood reports and his SA result too. They even wanted to get us cleared with HIV, HBSAG, HCV, VDRL, Rubella( Rubella was only for me) etc all was clear and perfect for both of us, this is a routine check up here in India  when we first go to meet RE.

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MY REPORTS

Mine is Arcuate Uterus, this info I knew from my HSG reports itself.I read it fine , and no problem for conceiving, but I would like to know from first hand experienced person, who has arcuate uterus.

TSH – THYROID, PROLOCTIN ,AMH (EGGS) – 4.93 NG/ML , FSH all good, all other blood work reports are fine.

BH’s REPORT

SA – good count, motility and morphology is on lower side.

So both RE and gynecologist have suggested Hystro-lap/Hystroscopy after I get my period. Then later RE told we can try two  IUI’s and then later IVF cause I am in early thirties.

Has anyone done Hystro-lap, do let me know about the procedure and how it has worked for you.

 

A Letter to Family & Friends

I wish I could make people understand us and also they should know  how to treat us or shut the #@$* up. when a person knows that the other person is taking infertility treatment they should think before they speak . they should know what they are talking, like I have said in my previous post.

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Today I am hurt my tears are not stopping my eyes are red I want to hide from everyone I don’t want to be seen as a weak person, I don’t want to talk about how the person hurt me or the topic which hurt me, but I need justification for  what they said, it hurts .I wish everyone who has hurt me  could  read this also  few more points I would like to add.

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Just because you got pregnant  easily that does not mean your great or I am good for nothing.

Just because it happened for you one or few tries that does not mean it will never happen me, it will happen when it has to happen , every dog has its day, my day will come too.

If you cant understand me please don’t ever try to understand me. I don’t want you to understand me, but let me be. live and let live.

If you cant support me during my infertility journey, don’t support me but don’t hurt me with meaning less nonsense talks.

Then there are people who become pregnant easily, then they plan and wait for second one, then they decide and become pregnant again,  some want to plan but become pregnant by accident  or whatever and in front of us act as if it such a pain , they wanted to travel but could not due to the baby, they could not to not take a promotion, they could not. that, they could not do this uff what not . I the ask God WHY ME, WHY ME, why are you punishing me, I am dying for a baby and then you give for others who don’t want or having it just cause it happened. Its never ending rant.I a not bad the situations make me bad person.

Since you can get pregnant so easily you will never know or understand how precious our miracle babies will be for us, you can never know that, cause its our journey not yours. Your baby will be obviously precious to you, all babies are are precious in-fact, but the intense pain this journey has caused will see our babies in more different light and we know for what we have fought for.

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When people struggle to get pregnant and then conceive I feel so hopeful that we to shall conceive soon, I just feel so happy for them, but when I see people who just become pregnant in one or few tries and act like only they are pregnant  in the world and no one else can be pregnant now are in future.When I hear such stories I cringe.

I thank God sometimes (not always) for making me go through this infertility journey, because it has taught me so much  and still teaching me many things about life. people,relationships, materialist things , spirituality  , otherwise I would have never known. This journey has taught me that everyone will be with you in good times and very few will be with us when we are in a bad phase of life, but that’s life isn’t it, when we know the true meaning of life.

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If you have read until here you are great.I wanted to write about my blood work reports, BH’s reports and all but today’s one incident in the morning created by some close people is making me feel low, I know I am not like this I am strong and I can handle this, I have such a beautiful online support. I thank God for that. Will be meeting RE tomorrow and Gynecologist on Wednesday to discuss about lap,that’s it for now.

PS; If  there are any grammatical mistakes. please ignore I just wrote it in a flow.

 

 

Life Lessons Me & Updates

In this ttc infertility journey I have learned so much about life, myself, life in general, people (who are close and not so close included family and friends) . In my last post I had said that this journey has changed me a lot.It is such a tough journey that it teaches you great lessons in life , which you would not have known or learnt  if not this journey.

There are few people who have and will always and support me even at this point of time in my life , they don’t talk nonsense with me, they try to understand me and my infertility journey, they want to know about it and if they know something about infertility they tell me you know its peace between us.Then again there are other people who just hurt me with words,really don’t understand whether they want to hurt me or they just say in a flow, whatever but it hurts. In last few months one close person has hurt me knowing or unknowing I don’t know.This has made me know about people and there true characters and intentions. This journey has thought me not to BELIEVE everyone, not everyone will wish GOOD for YOU.

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I am AMAZED that how people react when your taking treatment for having a baby or when your finding difficult to conceive naturally or with treatment. They cant just believe that we are struggling for a baby or maybe we don’t want to have baby and are faking it that we are taking treatment.Why the hell will I lie, when that’s the one I am wanting, wanting my baby desperately.

People are very INSENSITIVE, they don’t even think what they are talking especially when they know that we are desperately trying to conceive, and when they have conceived in one try and we are failing doing that, but they don’t understand it, actually I don’t want to them to understand me, but at least they must know it might hurt the the other person. So give us some space. If some years back people spoke like that I would not even feel anything, but the this ttc phase had made me very sensitive.

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I have become more PHILOSOPHICAL, that’s why those quotes which I share. Those quotes resonate my feelings. This journey has thought me that sometime we just need need to let go. Just let go of some relationships, friends, things, feelings cause they are not worth of your time and energy.

I have also realized after going through this infertility journey not to ask people about kids, marriage, education, job etc.In our Indian society everyone wants to know everything from the time we are kids to until our kids gets married and they to should have kids too, its a long long story.

I feel so better after writing here, I feel so stress free, we cant speak to people who wont understand us even if we can speak to people who understand us they may feel we are going crazy or we are bad as a person, I sometimes feel we are alone in this journey and this blog is stress buster. Here who ever wants to read can read, or if they don’t want to read they can just leave or they can come back and read when then would like to read.So no one is compelled to listen to my story but for me its a great place to vent out my frustrations of this journey.

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Ok I think I have written too much emotional posts, actually as I have written in previous posts this cycle is break cycle, just trying naturally so no medicines  or anything. It feels it such long time to wait. Will meet my Gynecologist on Wednesday to speak about lap. after lap my both doctors will tell what should be done next.Then will  also meet RE next week .Got my blood work done yesterday, they took so much blood for so many things sigh, BH will get it done tomorrow, I am waiting for my blood results specifically AMH. Just pray for me. Thank you.

 

 

 

The New RE

So I finally meet the new RE, I was actually scared to meet a RE , util now I have only met a gynecologist  for all the treatments, so maybe since I don’t know how it will be with RE I fear I guess don’t know . First they postponed my meeting with RE on Monday to Wednesday. I was worried and not feeling fine on Tuesday to meet RE, I thought will postpone on next Thursday or Friday, I almost decided to move the meeting day to next week,then again decided against it, cause the more I postpone the meeting the more I will feel worried and I don’t know how to explain that feeling hope you understood what all this TTC journey, infertility journey makes us feel sigh.

I had a appointment at 11.45 am, I was there at 11.40 am , first they took all my old reports  and wanted to know who referred me there, after that they took such a long time to register.Then I was send to one room, where a lady created my ID , took all my details where I stay , what me and BH does , then she checked my weight and height, then she told me to empty the bladder and wait ugggg. I hate TVS  (Trans vaginal scan) scans.

Then I meet a junior doc, she took all my details, I told about my ttc journey , my treatments and all. She told me to wait again with empty bladder, but I was sure that the RE wont check me, cause I had just come for second opinion on laparoscopy .

Then I was called in to meet THE RE, she asked me again about my ttc journey and she was like ,why did you take such a long time to take treatment, we had our reasons I gave her some reason. She told she wants to check me to check If my eggs are good, that’s the  TVS scan I asked her if it was necessary at this point of time, she told , we women don’t produce eggs like how men can produce  semen all there life time, we are born with eggs and it decreases as we grow old, for some the egg will be less even at 25 or 30 , so it depend on each women, hesitatingly  I went for check up. Then after  check up she told my eggs are good for my age, on right ovary I had one dominant follicle and many on left , She told me to get AMH test for myself to know about my eggs via blood work too. Then she told me to do get some more blood work for me and BH and also SA for BH in there hospital only, she told they can give better result then any other lab cause they are infertility clinic. Then we better get lap done and decide whether we go for IUI or IVF directly.

So next week all the blood work and BH’s tests will be done then will be meeting her again before lap and then the next course will be decided after lap only. So lets see how it goes.

 

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