C for Complicated Chakravyuha #A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

Its all complicated or we complicate it because we are so involved in this journey, each step is like a test we either pass or fail, if we pass we move to a even more complicated phase/test. Infertility  is like getting inside the chakravyuha  and not knowing how to come out of it successfully,even getting inside is not easy, that’s how chakravuyha right.Conception is the challenge those who are in this infertility journey will know better. In this infertility journey their is no clarity at all, we don’t know what next and what might happen the next moment, it all luck and hope we survive on.

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Infertility journey is complicated form the day one you start your treatment,until the never ending treatment is over,whether its successful or not. Once you get in the treatment cycle we are so  obsessed or at-least I am obsessed, with what is going on with my treatment, what next, why this is not working what that is not working, why dint my Re suggest this test, why did my friend’s RE suggest that, maybe that other clinic’s RE is good/better , we compare and complicate more.

Google complicates us more, everything our RE tells us during the regular consultations,I just go and google, and question is this test necessary, is this tablet necessary , is this correct or that other one would be good. I will always say to myself that I will not google but , naa I will go back to google my best friend again.Maybe that’s the part of life, which I cant change, complicate more.

The State of my Mind

DISCLAIMER

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I am in a phase of life where the my state of my mind is all confused, angry, sad, happy to an extent too, all mish-mash like this post. I just want to take it out of my system. I wanted to write this post form past few weeks but something or the other would come up and could not write, before you start reading this post I want to warn you because this is a long rant so if your already in a low mood or nothing is going right in your life right  now just ignore and don’t read this post.

When I started IVF treatment I was very positive and all, before starting it was a very different story ,those who been reading my blog would know it. Once all was fine and my injections started I was in a very positive frame of my mind, but obviously was worried if my follicles were growing fine, how many eggs were retrieved ,how many were mature, how many made it to embryo stage , then to day 3 to day 5 to blastocyst  uff, it was never ending but I was some what confident  and things were looking good.

Then came came the major downfall, my lining saga until now it is never ending, all my positivity has gone to the drain, when I started my treatment in this clinic (I want to reveal my clinics name will do it soon, it might help people in Bangalore who want to know  or read the reviews before proceeding their, the clinic has several branches throughout India and has good success rate I have heard lets see how it for me and my friend F.), ok coming back to the original topic when I started the treatment in the clinic, after the my first appointment with the RE I met the counselor.Later when it was confirmed that I would start my first IVF there, I met the counselor after my consultation with RE, she spoke to me very nicely and I felt nice and felt good that I chose this clinic for IVF.I never checked online about the clinic or did nothing about knowing the clinic because it was referred by my Gynecologist, I just went there that’s it.

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Why I am writing about this here is because after that one counselling  session, there was nothing do with the counselor, she would ask me or my friend how we were or whats going on once in a while when we would be waiting in the clinic to meet the RE,  that’s it nothing much. When nothing is progressing with the IVF because of my lining issues and my friend F’s loss which I mentioned here.

Luckily for me and my friend we had  each other, and for me this blog friends support and few more from infertility forum whom I could vent out and get beautiful response, so I am ok, but sometimes I feel its better to meet a professional counselor, here in India counseling is looked down upon but I am in search of a good counselor lets see how it works.

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Why I am writing all this you must be wondering, I am a very strong person, even now I am fine, doing everything I enjoy, doing what I want or I would not even blogged this and  try to take it out of my system, after my lining issues, my friend’s loss, one of my friends 2nd transfer failure , one more friends treatment is not going as expected, another friend dint get any embryos to transfer,failures everywhere, I sometime wonder if this IVF is ever going to work, I am not a pessimistic person, but all these failures are making me feeling low and losing hope. I am wondering is this thing called IVF is ever going to work, I also know many people who have had success with IVF and my own first cousin had her first baby via IVF, but sudden failures from all quarters has made me think like this, I know this phase too will be over,maybe my hormones are on work I was on BCP (birth control pills for down regg) until yesterday, so now I wait for the grand AF to arrive, and go for a baseline scan on day 2 ,to start prepping for the ERA test, and I am done with the rant.

If you have read until here, thank you and also from April I am a part of A to Z challenge check here, so you will see me writing more posts,and my ERA teat  prepping  update.