W for Waiting # A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

In this infertility journey we are always waiting.The waiting game begin’s even before we start the treatments.When I started my treatment for our baby I thought, I will go to the doctor  will check what is wrong with US treat it, boom it work out soon,I knew soon means in few months, not like never ending, nothing like that happened. We need to wait for the appointment, then wait for your period/AF to arrive ,then blood work for both of us, HSG  test for me and husbands SA(semen analysis).Those clomid cycles were so annoying, waiting game  during clomid cycles was even more frustrating, we don’t know whats happening with our body.

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Most of my previous post’s written in this blog were when I was/am frustrated with this waiting game.The waiting game after my hystro-lap to get my report was like never ending, I had to wait for six weeks to know how my inside’s of the uterus was, and it was the most frustrating wait, after all the that dreaded wait when I got the report and everything looked good, I had to wait for AF to arrive before I could get start IVF, and also their was one report missing and that had to be cleared by the RE and Gynecologist, who told that if my six week report is fine then the others would be fine when I finaly felt relieved, suddenly my AF was on strike and was not ready to arrive, finally when it arrived, IVF roller-coaster ride started.

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Then after IVF injections began, now we had to wait and watch how my follicles were growing, and each scan was like a test, then once when it grew and after egg retrieval, we need to know how many occytes/egg’s are mature, for fertilization, after fertilization we need to wait again,like how many will grow to day 3, then after day three we need to wait for day 5, uff its never ending din’t I say.Then in my case I had some lining issues.Every wait is like a exam, when we pass one exam, we need to go for more difficult  next level exam in this IVF roller-coaster ride.Waiting game in this infertility journey is a part and parcel which we cannot escape.Even now I am waiting for my ERA test report, sigh this is infertility life.


 

PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.


			

Yet Another Year & IVF – Part 1

DISCLAIMER

……passes by and no baby, at-least I thought I will be carry my miracle during my birthday none of that has happened. Tomorrow is my birthday and nothing has happened, only thing that has happened after my birthday last year is two pregnancy announcements,three baby showers (two of them are my close cousins and one is my brothers wife), HSG test, three failed  clomid cycles (one cloimd cycle was admist my SIL’s baby shower, where I was the one running around), Hystro-laparoscopy.

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I was suggested IVF after hystro- lap, I waited for the reports which is a long story and the  the never ending drama, until I could proceed with IVF, after everything was sorted out I am still waiting for AF to arrive so that I could start IVF procedure. In one of my previous post I was cribbing that I might be on injections on my birthday, now that also has not happened. I don’t know why God is punishing me I am really emotionally drained , physically I don’t even want to talk.

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I am done taking Primolut N tab for three days , three times a day. I finished taking the last tab, last night now waiting for the period to start soon, so I can start IVF soon,  also 90 percent its going to be FET cycle , so waiting aging but I am ok for that. RE  told that I might get period within 7 to 9 days, but I read in net that some get withing 2 to 3 days so hopefully AF will arrive soon by Thursday or Friday and I can start IVF procedure.I am seriously tired of waiting.

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On another note my dads’s fine its almost more than two weeks after his surgery and he is fine, all his reports have come fine, which we got to know only yesterday  , that’s a big big relief or I would be worried and got stressed with my dads health during IVF procedure, so I think God knows what to do and when to do, so maybe I just need to believe in him.Hopefully my next post will be about AF arriving and starting with IVF :).

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Confusions, Infertility, life, People ……

 DISCLAIMER 

On 17th hopefully I will get my APF  or whatever report its called . I am still not convinced that I will get my reports on Tuesday and its very annoying. Last time, twice when I went to clinic  for meeting the gynecologist and know about my reports nothing happened, once they removed stitches sent me home and second time it was just waste of time , and both the times they told me the report will come next time and other time they even confused me about the report dates.

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I am really tired of this waiting game, I am worried about the reports and others life stress are also added too, and I am worried that one or the other hurdle will come before I start IVF. I  am worried about the report , I  just don’t want to wait to start IVF, even though  I am scared about the procedure but I want to start and finish it off, yes you read it right , I also know that it is not easy but still I want to finish it off, I am nervous and confused.

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Then there are people who hurt again and again just because they had a baby within a year or sooner. I wish I could just give back to those people, now days I just don’t react to such situations.I just to try as calm as much as possible. That person told me something like this ” you are a egoist person that’s why you don’t have(kids) what you should have by now” I just asked something which I had given them, this was third or fourth time I was asking them to return it to me, that’s all, that too my tone was low but I was angry that they had not returned it, that’s all was that comment necessary I don’t know, I sometimes feel people plan and hurt. I controlled my teras.

Another thing I hate is people suggesting me IVF , when they don’t even know anything about my treatment, people would have started the treatment by just going to the gynecologist, they don’t know that some people in this infertility journey can have babies with  just clomid cycles, IUI cycles , many more after that only the doctor will suggest IVF, without even knowing what treatments we are taking people just say “why don’t you try  IVF”, I just smile and go but in my head I am like “yeah what about my feelings, my readiness to start it, the financial and physical aspect”, how can they even suggest without knowing anything, maybe they are thinking that they are doing a huge help by suggesting IVF.Like some people suggest about adoption, thanks for the suggestion.

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Another annoying and irritating thing is the pregnancy announcements, one of my cousin just wrote about how she announced her pregnancy on her husbands birthday and how she waited to tell him ,the nine months journey and all, I read commented and cried, everyone has the right to post what they want, so maybe I should block my FB account for sometime until I feel better.I sometimes feel so ashamed and feel silly about myself  to feel like this but I could not control my tears.Then I just chatted with a friend  I  felt better, also I was PMSing , I had not got my period after Laparoscopy , maybe that’s why I was feeling like that. I finally got my period yesterday. I have bad stomach cramps and lower back ache, I just wanted to take this out of my system even in the pain I wanted to write that’s why this post.

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On a lighter note here there is a stray pregnant cat, so we give milk three times a day , when I take milk for the cat ,she tries to come near me and can’t wait to drink the milk, I feel so happy, here the pregnant cats picture, finally hopefully my tomorrows report will be fine and I can go ahead with IVF.I need all your prayers.

Fertility Warrior Q&A

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I have been tagged and asked by two friends, Infertility & life  and Strength through Infertility, to contribute to raising awareness of infertility & childlessness.  Which was started by Post IVF world . The idea is that bloggers answer a set of 10 questions about their own infertility experiences and then add an extra question that we think others may find useful.  In the end there should be a huge amount of information available for people to access which in turn should help raise awareness.I will also tag a few fellow bloggers and ask them to take part if they would like to.

So, here are my answers

Are you male of female?

Female

Where are you in your infertility journey?

As of now I am on a break after Hysteroscopy with laparoscopy surgery ,which was done last month and before that three  failed clomid cycles. I will be starting my first IVF maybe in November or December, I am not sure,because it depends on my AFP culture test for which I am still waiting ,which sometimes I feel was not necessary at all .

What is your infertility diagnosis if you have one?

Last month Hysteroscopy and laparoscopy surgery was done and the doctors discovered that both my tubes have been blocked. In February this year when HSG procedure was done only one tube was blocked, now after six months both tubes have been blocked I don’t know how. also long back when I was in late teens or early twenties  have been diagnosed with pcos/pcod.

A slight male factor too, BH’s sperm count is good but morphology and motility have slight issues for which he is taking tabs.Now I am  just in waiting period which is very frustrating.

How old were you when you got your diagnosis and how old are you now?

In my late teens or early twenties I am not sure I had/have been diagnosed with pcos/pcod, Tube blocks was known last month.I am 33 years old.

What do you do to keep your spirits up on the tough days?

I write, writing about my infertility journey is made my life easier, because I can vent out my feelings and feel light.I can take out the negativity out form my system when I write here. I go window shopping, the best therapy. I am very spiritual  person so I pray, meditate and just believe in God.Thanks to this infertility journey I have made some beautiful friendships, some through blogging, some via online community and some during my hospital visits. So when in doubt are low I have so many people to hear me. We travel and mostly escape to our holiday home, just me and BH. I also wish there was a support group here in India, people don’t talk much openly here about infertility, so that’s the one thing I want to do or maybe there is a support group which I don’t know, if anyone know please send me the link, thank you.

How do you feel you have been treated by medical professionals?

In 2014 I had not got period for three months, but had spotting/bleeding and bad stomach ache, so went to meet a gynecologist, the worst gynec ever I have met, the way she spoke to me I thought I was going to die soon , I din’t know what health issue I had, even now after three years I don’t know what health issue it was at that time. Later after few months when I went for second opinion the new gynec told I do not have any major problem sigh, it was the worst time of my life.

Last year in July I started going to a different gynecologist the best doctor I have ever met, thank God for that.Then my gynecologist referred me to RE in July this year.I have RE only twice, so I still need time , but in those two time I felt she was good, also there is a in house counselor so I actually felt nice speaking to her, so lets see how its goes after my next visits.

Have you been offered support of any kind?

Until now, I haven’t got any kind of support , I support myself by being strong, but as I have said in my previous reply that the in-house counselor at the clinic makes me feel its going to be ok,lets see how its going to be in future.

 

How do your issues effect you on a day to day basis?

It effects me a lot, sometimes too much, but from past few weeks  or a month.I am trying to be strong, yeah only from few weeks, but I don’t know how long I can be strong.There are days I just want to be all alone, I don’t want BH also to be with me, its just me and my loneliness sigh, what all this infertility makes us.When someone is going to announce there pregnancy, I take time to digest the fact, then congratulate them.Sometimes I get afraid to congratulate because who knows something happens after we congratulate and then they blame us. Yeah I  am paranoid of congratulating pregnant women this is because of the Indian society I feel , even thought nothing has happened like that until now, and we are more liberal compared to few older generations but I am scared that’s it. When we go for get-together’s, family pooja’s etc my cousins, family and friends pity on me I think, that I don’t have kids, but I don’t want that Pity please.Then these baby showers and naming ceremonies uff, I don’t want to go there, if we go people ask when is our turn, if we don’t go they think we are jealous sigh, life is tough, even more with infertility.

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If you could tell yourself something back when you were first diagnosed, what would it be?

Its not going to be easy, no matter what do ,you have go though all those procedures and pains, try to be strong and start your journey now(I feel I should have started to take my infertility seriously and started my treatment soon)anyways its better late then never.

 

Are you open about your infertility? If so, has this helped?  If not, is it something you think might help?

Yes we are open about our treatment only with close family and friends. In India close family means obliviously my parents, sibling, BH’s parents and sibling, but  its also means my moms siblings, dads siblings, few  of my cousins and not much on BH’s side because my MIL does not prefer talking about my treatments , that’s what I want too I am ok with my side people knowing but not BH’s.

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In a way it has helped a lot some try to understand me and don’t ask me about my treatments, but there are few go on asking about my treatments its irritating at times and at times I am ok and explain to them what’s happening in my infertility life.Then writing this blog has made my life better because I can vent out here, whenever and whatever and feel fine, also knowing I am not alone and I do have  a great support who are also in the same journey.

What advice would you give to someone about to embark on treatment?

I don’t know if I can give any advice I am still new here, hopefully I will get advice when I am going to start my IVF , but I want to tell one thing if you already know you have pcos/pcod please don’t go to a gynecologist and waste your time just go to a Reproductive endocrinologist, this is  just my suggestion it might work different ways to different people.

So that’s the end of my answers.

Now I tag the following bloggers to do the same, no pressure here only if they would like to:

The Moon and Back

Eleanor

addra – Seeking, health and fitness

Positive Thinking

Elena-My journey through life, infertility and the universe

Doggie Bags not Diaper bags

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I am always thinking….

……………………about my ttc journey, my infertility journey. It is indeed  a long journey , a frustrating journey which makes us a different person in a bad way and also in a good way. As I sit here in our holiday home instead of enjoying the peace and serenity of the place, but my thoughts are always around ttc, I try not to show it to others, I enjoy many others things in life, I try to distract myself by my favorite baking sessions, cooking different cuisine, meeting people,travel, watching movies, even when I am doing all this ttc is in the back of my mind.This being a break/natural cycle its not doing any good.

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I was not like this, but when we started my treatment seriously last year July (before that you can check our journey ) I think a lot about ttc and ttc thoughts are always at the back of my mind, I cant help, I cant let go off it. When you see me in person you wont know the pain I am undergoing I am such a amazed actor which this infertility journey has thought me.

I am not ME,I am a totally different person this needs another post altogether, this infertility journey has changed me. I am sacred to hear pregnancy announcements, yeah you read it right I am scared to hear that, when I know someone is going to announce their pregnancy I just want to run away from that person/place. At this point of time I am surrounded by many pregnant women, very close people are pregnant. I try to be normal as much as possible.

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In the Indian society when your married we need to give good news(baby news) within a year or we are just wasting time or whatever. Luckily I have not faced much cause I come from a slightly broadminded family, but the society we have grown up makes us feel low, even though people don’t tell me on the face, but I know people talk behind me.I have got advice when to try , what positions are better, how long we should be on bed after intercourse, what not sigh, these advice’s were given even when we were  not trying for the baby , we were just married sigh this Indian society.

Those baby showers, naming ceremonies, weddings every where you go they ask about your baby. I am tired… half the year there were three baby showers, all of them are close so helped them , one was my own brothers wife’s baby shower, I was the one who ran around organizing it, I was mentally and physically tired and I was also on my  first clomid cycle, but that’s life isn’t it.

There is so much I want to write about how this infertility journey has changed me, sometime I question myself if I am turning into a bad person , then I realize I am not bad the situation makes a person a good or bad and it depends how the opposite person takes it or how the situation is handled.Think I have ranted too much but I feel better.

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HSG test in Bangalore

I was and I am all always scared of HSG   hysterosalpingogram test. So finally after six or seven months of natural try, taking tabs , some scans, blood work SA for BH nothing worked, so before going clomid and TI (timed intercourse). My doc suggested HSG test to be done either from day 6 to day 9, I told I am darn scared but I had to do it.

My doc suggested to consult the best radiologist  in Bangalore, but that radiologist  was not giving anesthesia , so searched all the hospitals in Bangalore finally zeroed on two hospitals, read reviews and finalized one hospital which is one of good hospital in Bangalore.

The hospital was Gunasheela Hospital, Jayanagar. Since I am not the regular patient there, there was loads of confusion. I was first giving a mock register number, then they told  me to get some unwanted blood work, even though I had almost blood work done but they wanted me to get it. So I gave the blood for test , then they told me to come next day to meet the anesthetist for checking whether I can take  anesthesia or not.Next day went to the meet the doc he cleared me for taking anesthesia.All my reports are fine so  I was asked to come on day 7 (or I told that I would want it to be done on day 7)and they  gave me some tabs to take on the test day early morning , take only coffee and biscuits and not to eat anything until the procedure,and the test will be done by 12 noon.

I went to the hospital on day seven by 10 am, paid the amount then they gave me a hospital gown to wear.Then they took me to something like operation theater  , there the anesthetist spoke very nicely , as he was speaking they had give IV by then and later the  doc injected something and I lost conscious then after 10 mins or soo they woke me up and told that the test was done, even after the test it was paining, it was like bad period cramps and was bleeding a bit, and  I was not fully conscious.

After maybe two or three hours I felt better, they told me take water, then  they told me take juice after half an hour , then again after half an hour some light food like idly. Then when I felt better they checked me told that all is good and I can go home. It was a long tiring day and HSG was over finally.

Ok my  HSG results, right tube blocked and left tube fine, so one tube is blocked.

Cost – 3000 rs for blood work, 500 rs for  meeting anesthetist  and 6000 rs for HSG test.I felt it was too much, if you are their regular patient it costs less I guess.

PS: Gunasheela Hospital  its very crowded , they dint give any written test report only x-ray report , my gynecologist had to interpret by herself and she gave the report to the in-house radiologist  and he gave interpretation by seeing by x-ray. So for all the amount I paid,  I was not satisfied. Only thing was they were doing the test by under anesthesia.

After HSG I did three clomid cycles I have written here, now my doc is suggested get laparoscopy before further treatment. I will be meeting a new RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist ) suggested by my doc/Gynecologist  then we will decide what and when. It’s a long long journey.

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TTC and life around IT….

My TTC journey you can from here.In July  19th 2016 when we decided to meet the recommended gynecologist, first thing that came to my mind was all the invasive check ups because I know these check ups and dint pursue many time in the past, but this time I had to do it. I am already in early thirties , and I just wanted my baby, so I made up my mind to be stronger . Finally when we met the doc, and she got to know about our ttc journey , she asked me and BH to get some blood work done and SA (semen analysis).

Our results were out, mine all are fine only LH was on lower side. BH’s SA counts were good , morphology was good but motility was on lower side. I was told to take cetaptin   500 mg two times a day  and folic acid one tab per day , some mineral powder for BH  and doc told me to try naturally for three months if it not worked we ll see what can be done next.

Nothing happened in three are four months, went back to doc she told me to just do follicle scan  without medication to check whether I am ovulating naturally or not and SA  for BH to know how it is now after three months, so that she can decide what can be done next. On day 13 I went scanning  had many small follicles ,then went for alternate day scans but the growth was very slow. Then I waited to get my period which was delayed and got my period exactly after 60 days that’s two months sigh.BH’s SA this time were same again little lesser compared to last time but not much difference.

Met my doc  after AF (Auntflow/period) she told to get HSG test between day 6 to day 8, one of the most dreaded test, I was scared .I told my doc that I was scared of the test, she told if I am scared then we ll have to do Laparoscopy, so she told its better to first take HSG then we can decide what can be done next. So got HSG test on day 7 , will write in detail about the test.

According to HSG result my right tube was blocked  and my left was partial spill or maybe it was fine  not sure.From next cycle I was put on clomid 50 mg from day 2 to day 6. My first  cycle failed, next cycle was also 50 mg clomid which failed again. Third cycle I was on 100 mg clomid it failed too.

In all the cycles my follicle grew nicely  up to 20 mm to 24 mm and ruptured/ovulated on my own on day 17/18, only second cycle I was very unwell and I ovulated on day 23 I think so, but I did ovulate on my own in all cycles. Its a long tiring journey.

Next what, will update soon.

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