Confused Mind

DISCLAIMER

How do I even start writing about this topic I don’t know,but I want to write and take it out of my system. Infertility treatments are all about decisions and decisions, life is tough it feels or are we complicating or infertility complicates life.I sometimes feel why do I have to go through this but do I have choice. I sometimes feel that with these infertility treatments we are stuck, we are not fully moving out of it or we are going more deeper and deeper, stuck in the complicated Chakravuyha.

download

I stopped my BCP’s (birth control pills ) yesterday, it was officially the last pill. I have been taking these pills after my first failed FET , RE has suggested to take a month break and come, but I told her I would like to take two months, she suggested take three months too and come back ready for the second FET, I asked her the BCP’s since I have pcos/pcod, I wont get period regularly so I wanted the timing to be perfect, they prescribe two packs of pills, so that after failed FET I would get period and start pills from day 2 of the period and then again from day 2 of the next period, so now I am done with the pills and waiting for my period to start so that I can meet the RE to start mt 2nd FET protocol also I am done with the two months of break.

download

Now you might be wondering what I have to decide everything is going smooth, nope I am scared , feeling lonely , worried, and lots of what if’s, what if this cycle does not work too, or if it works how am I going to take it.Last transfer I was excited and not that much worried, but this time I feel very lonely and scared.I don’t know why, I was so ready after the failed FET, but as the days are nearing I am confused, I have been asking questions myself if I should go ahead with this or wait some more time, maybe I am scared of another failure.

23

I know I feel ready and after my last cycle I have been waiting for the 2nd FET to start but now when I am almost their why this worry and confusion I don’t know, do all the people who go through infertility treatments feel this way or I am the only one feeling like this. I just want to be ready before my period starts. I don’t want to be a zombie , just going for check up’s and following up. I want to be more involved and happy, I want to be strong. I can only pray to GOD to give me the strength and go with the flow.I don’t know whether this post is making any sense , I feel better after writing these confusions and taking it out of my mind, that’s what is blog for isn’t it , Thank you.

Coping with first failed FET

DISCLAIMER

Its been such a long time that I wrote  something here,as always I want to write sooooo.. much and their is so much in my mind but I am not writing.I wont say I am busy and all, its just that I dint write .Ok coming back to the topic, how I am coping with my first failed FET, is the biggest question.

e007ed55fc39732dbef879e549821f36--endometriosis-quotes-infertility-hurts

 

 

its been  a very long road, I am ok at times I am not ok at times,but its been a very difficult journey,I feel alone even with all the support I have got, I wonder how people cope when they don’t even know how to vent out the feelings and don’t know that their is a big support system out their, I am glad I know and have a support system which helps me a bit, but the truth is in the end of the day we are the only one who have to suffer.

The loneliness, the fear, what if  even the next transfer does not work, why my body is betraying me, why? why? why?, these are the questions I have been asking myself after my first failed FET. I have also learned a lot about relationships, friends and how people treat me just because they got pregnant and not me in this period ,  this topic needs a separate post, because I want to write and vent out so much, because people whom I thought will be my strength ans support were the one’s who did not want to talk to me, dint I say this needs a  separate post.

images

 

When I started  the IVF treatment I was a different person, now I am a totally a different person, so much I have learned about  people  and life in general. When my first FET was about to start I did so many things even though my FET’s were being cancelled due to lining issues . I tried meditation, pranayama , yoga, good food , walking , prayers and so much more, but this time even though I had two months before my 2nd FET and still have few more weeks before I strart my 2nd FET, I have not done anything of the above, yes maybe be 10 percent of that, which I am not happy.

I still not have not written how I am coping with failure, we traveled a bit, now again after two days we are travelling again, then my BCP’s will finish from monday, so I am also in the count-down mode,talking to people who still want to be  my friend , even after they becoming pregnant and me not, eating junk, yes seriously I am eating junk, but since I am vegan they are not that bad junk so I am ok with it.Drinking loads of my favorite back coffee , which this time I am planning to stop from day 1 of the FET. I am still in the thinking mode of starting of meditation, pranayama , yoga, prayers , good food and all,after the trip or from today I am not sure.

I wanted to write and vent out but I was not able to because my nephews 1st birthday celebration’s and  I was also helping out so you know right.I still cant believe he is one already, when I started my treatment with my Gynecologist  its was during my bro engagement, then marriage , pregnancy , baby shower, my nephews naming ceremony and now his 1st birthday. I am still in the limbo land  land I don’t even know whether  my next transfer will be success or not.

images (3)

If anyone has read this rant until the end then your great and thank you, and if anyone  of you is going through this phase just hold on the hope, also let me know how you dealt or dealing when your were/are in this situation.

The month of July 2018 – Part 2

DISCALIMER

If you have not read the first part read here… and here come’s the next read on…..

On 16th July I was excited  and nervous it was all mixed feeling, those who go through it will know it I guess. I had to be in the clinic by 10  am,but  due to whatever reasons I reached late by 10.45 am. Their was so much confusion on the way to the clinic, I was  also called by the receptionist to ask where I was. When I went to the clinic everyone was asking why late and all, I just went up stairs and  paid the money and come back to the transfer room.

images (3)

Still their was a confusion, if my transfer was under anesthesia or what,I had asked my RE sometime back that I would prefer transfer under sedation, but after my ERA test which also I had asked under sedation but I did it without the anesthesia so I was like if I  can  the painful ERA test without sedation , then I can do the transfer also without anesthesia.

I had not  discussed this with RE also after my transfer was confirmed, I also dint speak about sedation and my doctor also did  not speak anything so I was like my transfer will be done without sedation , so I had my breakfast and come to the clinic, their was so much drama and confusion why I ate breakfast and all .Then finally everything was sorted out, then I started drinking water to fill my bladder, my doctor was not satisfied with the water in my tummy , I was made to drink water on the transfer table.

At exactly 12.17 pm, my day 6, 2 Expanded blastocyst embryos were transferred.The transfer went smooth that’s what my RE told me, she  also wished me luck and told me no travel no intercourse and to come for BETA-HCG test after 12 days that was 28th July. take all the prescribed tablets without fail.I was also councelled by the in-house Councillor too.

I was overactive all the 12 days, I thought it would help for the blood flow in the uterus.I had almost all the symptoms, that was maybe because of progesterone.I had twitches mostly in the left side, I was hungry all the time from day 7 post transfer, I was tried and all, I was convinced I am pregnant on day 8 but I was scared to do a HPT(home pregnancy test).

images (4)

I Just manged to not to test until the ottd (on the test day). On 28th early morning I went to the clinic lab gave sample of my blood, and waited until 1.30 but I did not get any call, I called the clinic and waited until 2 pm, finally they called me and my RE told  sorry its negative, come and meet me next week and since we had two more embryos we will decide what we can do next, I was clam all the time when I got the news,because I know most of the first transfers don’t work, the most shocked was my BH, he was not able to believe it , but the that was the truth.

So my first transfer failed, now I am on a break for two months I am on BCP’s for two months.Their is much more to write will write soon.

The month of JULY 2018

DISCLAIMER

Its been more than a month since I have written any post, I was too involved with many things happening in my life, every time I wanted to write I thought I will write later and then I would think ok let me  make sure before I post, but that never happened, and finally today I decided to write here.This post will be written in parts because loads of things happened in between.Those who read my blog know that I have lining issues which I have written here and here and many more times. When each time my cycle gets cancelled, I have cribbed and written here, and got  so much support, but the July cycle was decided and I decided to write once everything was done.

images

Finally my lining was somewhat ok according to my RE and she decided to go ahead with Embryo Transfer (ET), according to my ERA test report,(you can check about my ERA time line and ERA result.) Its a long story but I want to document, why I want to document here I will write in the last part.So let me write in bullet points.

  • On 29th June AF arrived, I was excited because I knew this was the cycle finally my em-babies will be back where they have to be.The intuition you see.
  • on 30th June day 2 and day 1 according to HRT cycle . In the baseline scan everything looked fine, RE checked my Estrogen and progesterone because their was  a follicle, and told me to start my tablets once I get my report, by evening all my hormones were fine and I was told to go ahead and start my estrogen tablets and come on day 8 for lining check.
  • On day 8 my lining was 5.8 mm but triple line so, I went back again on day 11 for lining check and everything was going fine, so my RE followed ERA pattern and started progesterone from day 11 because I need 12 hours extra of progesterone.
  • Finally ET was confirmed on 16th JUNE.

images (2)

To be continued…..

 

 

P for Progestrone & PGS #A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

Progesterone is a hormone usually used in HRT cycles , progesterone is also used for other women reproductive issues too but I do not have much idea about it .Progesterone is a steroid hormone released by the corpus luteum that stimulates the uterus to prepare for pregnancy, if the pregnancy does not happen, the women gets her period and the endometrial lining sheds, and starts the period next cycle.

images (2)

If a women falls pregnant the progesterone helps in keeping the pregnancy. In IVF pregnancies  progesterone is given even before embryo transfer, like if its a day 3 transfer 3 days of progesterone pessaries or progesterone injections, sometimes both are given, then transfer is done. If its is a day 5 transfer five days of progesterone is given, after the transfer is done until, 10 to 12 weeks women need to take those progesterone suppositories, later the embryo produces its own progesterone, I am taking about IVF pregnancies.If their is any wrong in the information I have written here do correct me, if anybody has read this post.

PGS  or pre-implantation genetic screening, is a genetic test performed on embryos produced through IVF. PGS gives information about embryos’ genetic health to help your embryologist select the best embryo for transfer and improve your chance of achieving a successful pregnancy.In simple terms, few cells are taken/biopsied  from  the already formed embryos to check if it has any chromosomal or genetic problem, and then the best embryo is selected and transferred, in the next FET cycle. PGS is usually done  only when their are persistent implantation failures, abnormal growth of embryo and miscarriages.

images (4)

PGS  test is not suggested for all. PGS is a very expensive test. In my friends case which I have written about here, she had to abort her em-baby by taking oral pills,because her baby was growing on time and their was not heartbeat, so her doc told before going the PGS test, let her do a a bit less expensive blood test for both her and husband ,its called Karyotyping which I have written here, if that test comes normal she can go head with her next FET or if their is some chromosomal problem in either one of her or her husband, then they have to go for PGS.

FYI :This  above post is a little about what I know due to the infertility treatments,and some is via the always great google search, resource.


 

PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

 

 

K for karyotype #A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

I was thinking what should I write for K, there are simple terms , its all about my feelings like my last and few other posts. I was wondering what will I write for K, then my friend F about whom I have written here, here and much more times. I was talking to my friend yesterday, she had gone for her check up after her miscarriage/abortion after her first transfer, she had to do a series of tests to rule out problems before her next transfer.

images (3).jpg

My friend’s RE suggested many types of test as I said above, but one test called Karyotype/karyotyping  was suggested for both her and her husband,I wanted to know about it. I thought I should write about Karyotype test  here, this post might help people who gone through miscarriage/abort the baby due to no proper growth of the baby,or no on time growth of the baby, or no heartbeat on the give time frame,that’s what my friend did, took some pills and miscarry the baby and it was devastating for all of us.

Journey-300x289

Karyotype test is for both her and her husband, the report will be known after three weeks, and that waiting period is a mental torture . Karyotype is one of the expensive tests to know about the chromosomal problems, but that’s not the end of the tests. If my friends tests comes normal, she is good to go for the next transfer, if not then she has to do PGS test on the embryos,more about PGS test in my future posts, din’t I say infertility sucks, will update about the test result after my friend gets the result and how her RE interpreted it.


PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

H for HRT #A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

HRT means hormone replacement therapy. HRT is done during women’s menopausal age by replacing estrogen and progesterone. In infertility treatments HRT is done for FET. The embryo has to stick to our uterus, for that we need a good endometrial lining,for the lining to grow we need loads of estrogen.

download

I am on HRT now, I have been taking estrogen from day 2 of my period for my lining to grow and make my lining good so that my frozen embabies stick in my uterus.The lining sometimes does not grow even with estrogen.One in 10 people don’t respond to estrogen, I am the one in ten person, its not like I don’t respond at all, I do respond but a bit slowly.

0c447ffc074c8eb91b8bd7fa7f534da9--positive-infertility-quotes-prayers-for-infertility.jpg

I was on HRT twice both the times my lining did not grow as expected, it did grow but very slowly, my RE was not satisfied with the growth😏, so both the cycles were cancelled😞.Now again I am on estrogen tablets let’s see how it works, if in this cycle my lining grows well,RE will do ET(Embryo Transfer) or if it’s slow again like last time she might do ERA test.I am hoping that, in this cycle my lining will grow and I can just get done with ET, so who ever is reading this please keep me in yours prayers, thank you 😊.

———————————————————————————————————————————-

PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences, I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

 

E for Expectations # A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

We infertility warriors have loads of expectations with the treatment, obviously we have all the right to have expectations isn’t it,because with all the promises , guarantees and the money we invest, yes I call it investment.The infertility treatments are emotionally, physically and financially draining, but we go thought it because we genuinely  expect what is promised, that too the most wanted .When we start our infertility journey we think finally we will be getting answers, for why the hell we are not able to conceive.We will get few answers few even the doctor will not be able to tell, even the modern science does not have answers for certain things.

images (4)

When we started the treatment, I can specifically talk about IVF journey cause I am going through it right now, there different types of protocols and treatment depending upon each person and their issues regarding infertility.

So coming back to the topic when I told that I can have my own baby with IVF procedure I was on cloud nine, I was expecting this from my doctor, because I dint want any other procedure, which does not have that much success rate compared to IVF, IVF too has just 40 to 70 percent depending on each person, but better success rate then other procedures, so obviously we will have the exceptions, but these exception can give u a big jolt when things don’t turn out the way you want it to be or the way it was promised,

My friend who had IVF procedure almost same time as me, she got pregnant in  first transfer (FET)itself but had to miscarry because the fetus was not developing and no heartbeat,one more friend her embryos dint survive at until day 5 , she has to to 2nd round of IVF go through all the drill all over again, many more sad stories about people who i know who go through infertility, and about me my embryos are frozen, my endometrial lining is not growing according to my RE’s satisfaction, so from January my embryo transfer is being  postponed, she has some plan this month hopefully it will work for me,  all my expectations are gone in the drain, but we are normal humans, we cant stop having exceptions again an again and be disappointed, this is infertility life.

THE LINING SAGA

DISCLAIMER 

I don’t know what will happen with my first FET cycle,usually my lining is never a issue, its always thickens on time, this is the first time, it is not getting thick, it is triple line from day 10 but not thickening like it has too.I don’t know why, I was checking my clomid cycle file, where I had to go for alternate days for scans from day 14/15/16 until I ovulate, in all those  scans every two days it used to grow 1 mm, like on day 15 it would be 6 mm and on 17 it would be 7 mm like that, so it would grow fine by the time I would ovulate, but why this time with all the medication I don’t know, this is very frustrating.

96c8555a3340024968e172166d71cb49--infertility-quotes-endometriosis

On my day 15 scan I went for the scan it was just 6.4 or 6.6 mm not sure, in those five days it just grew less than 1 mm, why oh why is this happening.So my RE told me that my lining is not growing according to her satisfaction, so she gave me a choice to either cancel this cycle or wait for two three days and checking if my lining is growing and then decide , I told we will wait and check after two days, so now my scan is on 25th day 18 and I am hoping that it grows by then and but I am not sure.RE also told that sometime they cancel 2 to 5 cycles until the lining is fine, because our embryos are very important, we can can cancel due to lining but we  should not lose embryos and I agree with that.

you-say-i-dont-know-if-i-can-make-it-god-says-i-will-give-you-strength-quote-1

My IVF cycle from the start as always been very slow, loads of confusions, waiting and never ending suspense until  the end. I am really feeling very low and don’t know what next, if my cycle gets cancelled  luckily we had planned a trip for our anniversary but we had not cancelled don’t know why so we will go ahead with the trip in case the cycle is cancelled, so I guess I have something to look forward and divert my mind, also hopefully RE will start the FET immediately form next cycle itself I cant wait any more, already I am very frustrated with this cycle and I am also hoping this cycle wont be cancelled but I am ready for whatever it is and trying to be calm.I am tired of waiting.

b73c44ace334778712b49c6434094250

The Break and FET – IVF Part 5 work in Progress

DISCLAIMER

textgram_1515731794

Hi all,hope all are having a great 2018. After my last post, the few people who read my blog must have wondered where I disappeared.I was just  totally lost in my own confused world, so before writing another post I wanted a break and know what exactly is happening with our first IVF cycle. I wanted to update after talking to RE so that’s why I am posting after a long time, I feel my last post which I posted, I  just posted in a hurry.The next day on day 5 , I had written probably fresh ET, read again probably, but that did not happen.

I wanted to get ET done under sedation, I had asked my RE if it possible, she told 95 % ET she does is not done sedation, only 5 % are done under sedation, but since I requested she agreed and told me to come on day 5, she told the same advice to eat sometime before 6.00am and nothing and no water until ET.

images (5)

On Wednesday 3rd Jan I fasted from 6.00 am, went to temple, but I had strange feeling that ET might not happen and in my dreams too,I would go to the clinic and they would tell that I have come late and so no ET today, I had the same dream two to three times. That was sign I must say.I waited for the call from clinic until 10.00 am,I called the clinic since I could not wait, they told  that RE was busy and they will  give a call in sometime.

I got the dreaded call, that my 5 embryos which they had left to grow (two day 3 embryos were first frozen in my 7 embryos and 5 were left to grow) only three were growing I felt so low. RE told that they were still in morula stage and they need to wait until it grows to blastocysts by day 6, I was so dejected, but at least 3 were growing and two best day 3 were already frozen, RE told she will update after day 6 one more day of wait. I called on day 6 to know, they told that  all three were growing good,they will wait until evening and then freeze so you can call next day.

images

I called next day they told that they froze the best two, so now we have two day 3 and day 6 Expanded Blasts.Since my RE had told that they don’t do fresh day 6 embryo transfer, so it was FET (Frozen embryo transfer) for me. So mentally I was preparing to wait for more than a month, I was told to stop all the tablets and the progesterone pessaries and wait until I get period and go on day two to meet the RE.I had thought RE will check and give me BCP(birth control pills) for a month and then start  FET at the end of JAN or beginning of FEB, but everything changed.

I got period on 8th Jan, 5 days after of stopping those tablets that which were given for fresh transfer. I went to meet RE on 9th Jan, second day of my period, my RE scanned me the TVS scan and she told everything looks fine no cysts, but my lining was thick 7.2 mm on day 2 she asked me if I was bleeding properly, I told that I bleed properly by day 2 noon to day 3 morning, so she told come the on day 3, the next  day to check my lining and told me some blood work E2 and Progesterone and will decide on day three, my IVF cycle as always been confusing waiting game uff. So I gave my blood and prayed that everything should work out and was unnecessarily worried about my lining.

58259a608a94d943eea154593d6fc587--keep-the-faith-have-faith

In the evening I got a call from the clinic that my hormone levels are fine and that I can come and meet the RE for further investigations. I was happy and could not wait until the next day. On day three went to meet the RE, I waited and waited , on that day the clinic had too many patients.Finally my name was called, she first told that my hormones are fine now we need to check the lining, so again the bloody scan, she scanned and told no bilateral cysts and my lining had reduced to 3.9 mm so it was shedding fine.

 

I went back to her table she told everything looks fine we can go ahead with FET, I was nervous and excited. She gave the prescription, the regular vitamin  D tabs, Folic acid tabs and Progynova for 7 days 2 tabs (1 in morning and 1 at night) until 12th and from 13th 4 tabs (2 in the morning and 2 at night) until I meet her for day 10 scan. She told me not to miss on the timing of the tabs, if I take the tabs at 9.00 am, then I should take the other at 9.00 pm, it should be exactly 12 hour gap.I will be meeting my RE on 17th day 10 and will know what next.This IVF is made me know that  being patient  is the only choice we have and nothing else.