The Talk

DISCLAIMER

I just wanted to record the talk I had with the in-house counselor in the clinic I go here, but before I go into the main topic let me give you an update, after my last post, I thought that I will post about my transfer confirmation and all, it’s not that easy in my case you all know, if you been following  me from the beginning if not you can check here. On Monday the 8th it was day 15 for me, the plan was to have the final lining check and start progesterone for the transfer, as usual my cycle was cancelled, according to my RE, whatever my lining is they can transfer because of the ERA test. I need extra 12 hours of progesterone  and my lining was receptive according to my ERA test.

The problem this time was one, that my lining was growing but slowly as usual , but it was growing  and it was a triple line that was the main thing and I felt a bit relieved and second my RE would be out of town during my transfer time, but I said ok for another RE to do my transfer, because my lining was ok this time and I did not want to waste my time, but on Monday during the check up, new RE told she will not do transfer with 6 mm lining even though my RE’s junior doctor told about my lining issues and ERA report.

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I spoke to my RE’s junior  and said that I am ok to go ahead with transfer but she told this time my lining is growing okissh, we will cancel and next month my RE only will do the transfer and who knows next month it might grow even better, but I was not convinced, because I am scared but she told think positive and come back on day 2 of my next period , so I was ok with this plan at some point because I prefer my RE only to do my transfer, so they gave me some withdrawal tabs to be taken after few days , I might get my period in the 4th week of October then start all over again, now the waiting game starts.

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I have written so much that I have not written about the main topic, so yesterday after all the check up’s and all, the in house counselor wanted to meet me.It was nice talking to her, I felt good about myself and and she made me know that  I am doing all in my capacity to make this work, I never felt that I was doing my best.She told me few success stories and how it worked for them, she listened to me when I spoke.She also told me to be positive and my mind being positive has more effective then the medicines I totally agree to that concept, positive mind positive body.

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She also told me few tips which I really loved, which I will be incorporating in my daily life.I spoke to her for almost more than half an hour,it was the best part of the day I felt so so good about myself,she also told me to call her when I need to talk or feeling low or just to unburden, after this I suggest  please go and speak to the counselor that’s the best thing you can do yourself during this infertility journey.I felt I was unburdened and came out with a positive mind and attitude, ( lets call the counselor R)  thank you R so much for making me feel so good now I feel I can do this, thanks again.

Coping with first failed FET

DISCLAIMER

Its been such a long time that I wrote  something here,as always I want to write sooooo.. much and their is so much in my mind but I am not writing.I wont say I am busy and all, its just that I dint write .Ok coming back to the topic, how I am coping with my first failed FET, is the biggest question.

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its been  a very long road, I am ok at times I am not ok at times,but its been a very difficult journey,I feel alone even with all the support I have got, I wonder how people cope when they don’t even know how to vent out the feelings and don’t know that their is a big support system out their, I am glad I know and have a support system which helps me a bit, but the truth is in the end of the day we are the only one who have to suffer.

The loneliness, the fear, what if  even the next transfer does not work, why my body is betraying me, why? why? why?, these are the questions I have been asking myself after my first failed FET. I have also learned a lot about relationships, friends and how people treat me just because they got pregnant and not me in this period ,  this topic needs a separate post, because I want to write and vent out so much, because people whom I thought will be my strength ans support were the one’s who did not want to talk to me, dint I say this needs a  separate post.

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When I started  the IVF treatment I was a different person, now I am a totally a different person, so much I have learned about  people  and life in general. When my first FET was about to start I did so many things even though my FET’s were being cancelled due to lining issues . I tried meditation, pranayama , yoga, good food , walking , prayers and so much more, but this time even though I had two months before my 2nd FET and still have few more weeks before I strart my 2nd FET, I have not done anything of the above, yes maybe be 10 percent of that, which I am not happy.

I still not have not written how I am coping with failure, we traveled a bit, now again after two days we are travelling again, then my BCP’s will finish from monday, so I am also in the count-down mode,talking to people who still want to be  my friend , even after they becoming pregnant and me not, eating junk, yes seriously I am eating junk, but since I am vegan they are not that bad junk so I am ok with it.Drinking loads of my favorite back coffee , which this time I am planning to stop from day 1 of the FET. I am still in the thinking mode of starting of meditation, pranayama , yoga, prayers , good food and all,after the trip or from today I am not sure.

I wanted to write and vent out but I was not able to because my nephews 1st birthday celebration’s and  I was also helping out so you know right.I still cant believe he is one already, when I started my treatment with my Gynecologist  its was during my bro engagement, then marriage , pregnancy , baby shower, my nephews naming ceremony and now his 1st birthday. I am still in the limbo land  land I don’t even know whether  my next transfer will be success or not.

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If anyone has read this rant until the end then your great and thank you, and if anyone  of you is going through this phase just hold on the hope, also let me know how you dealt or dealing when your were/are in this situation.

The month of JULY 2018

DISCLAIMER

Its been more than a month since I have written any post, I was too involved with many things happening in my life, every time I wanted to write I thought I will write later and then I would think ok let me  make sure before I post, but that never happened, and finally today I decided to write here.This post will be written in parts because loads of things happened in between.Those who read my blog know that I have lining issues which I have written here and here and many more times. When each time my cycle gets cancelled, I have cribbed and written here, and got  so much support, but the July cycle was decided and I decided to write once everything was done.

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Finally my lining was somewhat ok according to my RE and she decided to go ahead with Embryo Transfer (ET), according to my ERA test report,(you can check about my ERA time line and ERA result.) Its a long story but I want to document, why I want to document here I will write in the last part.So let me write in bullet points.

  • On 29th June AF arrived, I was excited because I knew this was the cycle finally my em-babies will be back where they have to be.The intuition you see.
  • on 30th June day 2 and day 1 according to HRT cycle . In the baseline scan everything looked fine, RE checked my Estrogen and progesterone because their was  a follicle, and told me to start my tablets once I get my report, by evening all my hormones were fine and I was told to go ahead and start my estrogen tablets and come on day 8 for lining check.
  • On day 8 my lining was 5.8 mm but triple line so, I went back again on day 11 for lining check and everything was going fine, so my RE followed ERA pattern and started progesterone from day 11 because I need 12 hours extra of progesterone.
  • Finally ET was confirmed on 16th JUNE.

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To be continued…..

 

 

Regressing Lining…

DISCLAIMER

What do write? I do not even want to write anything in my blog, because their is nothing new to write, I have been writing only about the 5 to 6 FET cycle cancellations and that’s all I have been writing here, but after my last post I have seen increase in the traffic, sooo many people have checked my blog to know about my progress, thank you so much people, and that’s the reason I decided to write an update about my regressing lining and also one more reason, which has been in my mind from past few weeks, is that I have not read or come across any blogs how a not so growing good lining stories how they overcame it or what was their next plan is , I have read just one blog about lining issues thats it. I have read  a lot about lining issues in infertility forums, and people have become pregnant with thin linings and sometime it grew fine and they conceived and all. also with the help of ERA test reports , so their is a light in the end, I just need to be a patient, not just patience loads of it.

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I have no idea how I will end up in this journey.  Pathologically my lining does not have any issues, this was know by the hysteroscopy-laparoscopy procedure, even during clomid cycle after ovulation my lining as grown great, after my egg retrieval my lining was 8-mm triple line,then in my April cycle -ERA test cycle it grew above 7 ,and last cycle on day 8 it was 6.5, but why it regressed on day 11 is a question mark or on day 11 my transfer date would have fixed or I would have got an idea when my transfer would be.RE told me maybe because of too much of hormones , the estrogen which I have been taking from past 6 months and told me if I am ready to take a break of 2 months because in march I was on break with no estrogen at all and in April my lining grew fine.

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I want to tell everyone in this journey, what ever your issues are, and whatever that is preventing you  from achieving the most wanted pregnancy, just breath and believe , I know its not easy, but do we have choice, we do everything we can to become pregnant and mommies, but we need to be strong  and stay strong and do what we have to do next, we just cant crib and cry, you are not alone, be strong and inspire others.Thank you everyone who sincerely wanted to know how I was doing and what my next plans are. What my next plan is? I will write about  it soon, until then you take care people.

 

 

 

 

Nothing New…..

DISCLAIMER

….Yes you read it right there nothing  new new to write here, I have been procrastinating from past few days, I am  tired mentally and physically with all the tablets and all. I wanted to write but what is their to write it is the same old thing, cancelled cycle again. I am OK , I should be OK and I am getting used to this cancelled cycles. I am ok because this time the cycle was cancelled for other reasons not only  because of my lining.My June cycle will work out, a gut feeling you know but you never know.

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May cycle was cancelled because of many reasons, after my ERA test I was told to stop all my tablets, Progynova, duphaston and Progesterone pessaries, and take just Meprate 10 mg twice a day for ten days so that it delays my period and the start the may cycle on day 2 and by then my ERA report  come,which usually take 3 weeks to come through.So since I was almost free for almost 10 days due to the tabs plus few more days until AF arrives, we decided for a short road trip.

We started for the road trip when I was still on last four tablets,I was fine because we would be back by  the time I finish my tablets. but on the second day of the trip I started  spotting, I panicked, and still  took the remaining tablets spoke to my friend F , she told me to take appointment for the next day I will be back from the trip, I just did that. Once I was back I met my RE’s assistant, my RE was on holiday for a month I guess. The doctor told me not to panic and told maybe due to travel and all I have started spotting early, she also told to take my tablets until when its prescribed and be back on day 2 to start FET cycle.

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I stopped my tab on 30 April and AF arrived on May 1st and on 2nd May went to meet my RE, she checked  my lining and prescribed estrogen (Progynova) as I have written here, because they want to do exactly like my ERA cycle pattern, she was also concerned that AF had arrived earlier then expected and their was more time for the ERA report to come.I was called again on day 8, but I already new that this cycleis not going to work because as  I have  written above I had started spotting from 28th April until 1st May and was continuously bleeding  from 2nd May until on 10th of May, that was my day 8 of HRT cycle.

One more Ssetback was my ERA report was being delayed for whatever reasons, and also I wanted to have my transfer by my RE not someone else, as I have said above my RE was out of country for a month , so I knew this wont work, also since I was bleeding for  a long time, my lining was growing as expected, and my ERA report had not yet come.So my RE’s assistant told we should cancel this cycle and put me on Meprate for 5 days and until 23rd May, now I am waiting for AF to arrive, so we can start my new cycle and my RE will be back on 30th May.

My ERA report came the next day after my cancelled cycle, I got a call from the clinic and told that I am early receptive means just few hour more progesterone is what the doctor told me, and she also told that nothing to worry and come on day 2 and will explain what exactly my report says, so now I am waiting for AF to arrive and get more info on ERA report which I will keep posted here. This is such a long rant I just wanted to do a quick update, dint expect that my post would be this long, excuse any grammar mistakes I have no energy to edit it.

 

 

 

 

 

Q for Questions # A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

Asking Questions is very important during infertility treatments, because we pay so much, to get our bodies go through to get our baby, its our right to know whats happening with us. Ask and ask and ask as much as question you can and ask until you satisfied with the RE’s answer.When I started my treatments, I was intimated by the RE, so I hardly asked any questions, I would just listen to whatever my RE would say  and go with a flow, even though I used to have doubts. I know my RE would know better then me, but I am paying so much money I would also would love to know, why she was/is giving those tablets or injections, just an info in simple terms nothing elaborate.

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Now from past few months, after not agreeing to day 3 in January, I still don’t know why I did that,I have written about it here.I ask questions, see we are google generation, so ask my doubts, until its not cleared , I don’t go ahead.Sometimes my RE gets offended I feel, but I pay so much money and I need to know whats happening with me.

This Saturday I am getting the ERA test done, I am darn nervous, but its a better option before I go for the transfer next month. This month when RE started FET, they told if my lining grows well then they would go ahead with ET or ERA test would be the option before transfer, you  can read about my lining issues here and here. This cycle my lining was growing fine, according to my RE it was moderate not bad or good either, she also its ok to go for a transfer, finally a breather after so many cancelled FET cycles. So I was in a fix if I wanted to go for ET or ERA test, so I asked my RE that I need a days times, before I decide if I want to go ahead with the test or ET.RE told me I could give a call and let  her know what my decision would be.The tablets I was taking is used either for FET or ERA, because ERA test is done on the transfer day, so this cycle is almost like mock FET for me, I will get an idea how FET timeline,about ERA test I will write in detail once I am done with it.

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Those twenty four hours was a nightmare for me, I decided to go and meet her next day instead of speaking on phone.I met her and asked , what she would recommend, she told that for my lining issues, she would recommend to do the test, before transfer and increase the success rate,by 15 percent more, also she explained how its will help me and them by know if my lining is post-receptive or pre-receptive, and in my next cycle even if my lining grows slow and lesser on the day of transfer, they will know exact the implantation window which is 36 to 48 hours my RE told, RE spoke much more but that will need another post.Its ERA for me on Saturday wish me luck.


PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

 

L for Lining # A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

Uterine Lining is a inner layer of the uterus. it is the cells that line the womb, this tissue is normally shed monthly in response to the hormonal changes of the menstrual period. When a women becomes pregnant the embryo implants in the lining, the lining forms a cushion, this is what I have read and heard. I was having lining issues from January, after my ER(Egg retrieval), I was wondering why my body is doing this too me, but maybe due to loads of hormone injections tablets without a break, my body needed the darn break.I also tried acupuncture because it worked for many, but it did not work for me.

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Endometrial lining is very important for the em-babies to implant, since my lining was not growing as expected, my RE cancelled two cycles, third cycle we tried natural cycle, which did work because again my lining  was not growing as expected so that cycle was also cancelled. My RE gave a choice in the next cycle either we do ERA test or ET if my lining grows, so this cycle I am on HRT.

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The story of this cycle will be known by Monday,hopefully its embryo transfer for me,I am tired of cancelled cycles, dreams shattered every time the cycle is cancelled, before IVF I never had lining issues. I  knew lining was important,but I did not know that because of lining issue the cycles can be cancelled and I will be in this limbo land.I tried all home remedies for my lining to grow but none helped, but this cycle I was stress free, had one cup coffee a day, just let it be, my lining somewhat looks good, I am hoping the best.


 

PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

I for Invasive & Insurance #A to Z Challenge

DISCLAMER

Infertility treatments are very very invasive I must say. When we decided we wanted babies, and nothing worked the normal way, we tried the all the non-invasive treatments like Ayurveda and Homeopathy when those were exhausted,I had no choice but to go the Allopathic way , I am was darn scared because I knew it would be very invasive. We being the google generation , we just google every darn thing. Everything I read was all about tvs-scans, HSG test , hysteroscopy and much more, the list is never ending, and every time we go for check ups, tvs scan is a must, or the RE wont know whats happening with the reproductive system.

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The above tests are just the beginning, once your a part of either IUI or IVF roller coaster ride, its even more invasive, now I am just used to those invasive scans, if my RE does not ask me to get undressed from my lower part I will be worried, and will be thinking why she is not scanning today, nah nah after speaking to me the nurse tells me to undress and dang the scan is done, its not painful but its obviously uncomfortable. Invasive in the part of infertility life.

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Insurance I wont talk much, but here in India insurance is not covered for a single infertility issue, we have to pay everything from our pocket and these treatments are very expensive. Every time my RE suggests tests I need to think how much it might costs and when should it be paid, its very draining mentally, physically and financially , dint I say you need to be a warrior to go through infertility treatments.


PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences, I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

H for HRT #A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

HRT means hormone replacement therapy. HRT is done during women’s menopausal age by replacing estrogen and progesterone. In infertility treatments HRT is done for FET. The embryo has to stick to our uterus, for that we need a good endometrial lining,for the lining to grow we need loads of estrogen.

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I am on HRT now, I have been taking estrogen from day 2 of my period for my lining to grow and make my lining good so that my frozen embabies stick in my uterus.The lining sometimes does not grow even with estrogen.One in 10 people don’t respond to estrogen, I am the one in ten person, its not like I don’t respond at all, I do respond but a bit slowly.

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I was on HRT twice both the times my lining did not grow as expected, it did grow but very slowly, my RE was not satisfied with the growth😏, so both the cycles were cancelled😞.Now again I am on estrogen tablets let’s see how it works, if in this cycle my lining grows well,RE will do ET(Embryo Transfer) or if it’s slow again like last time she might do ERA test.I am hoping that, in this cycle my lining will grow and I can just get done with ET, so who ever is reading this please keep me in yours prayers, thank you 😊.

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PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences, I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

 

E for Expectations # A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

We infertility warriors have loads of expectations with the treatment, obviously we have all the right to have expectations isn’t it,because with all the promises , guarantees and the money we invest, yes I call it investment.The infertility treatments are emotionally, physically and financially draining, but we go thought it because we genuinely  expect what is promised, that too the most wanted .When we start our infertility journey we think finally we will be getting answers, for why the hell we are not able to conceive.We will get few answers few even the doctor will not be able to tell, even the modern science does not have answers for certain things.

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When we started the treatment, I can specifically talk about IVF journey cause I am going through it right now, there different types of protocols and treatment depending upon each person and their issues regarding infertility.

So coming back to the topic when I told that I can have my own baby with IVF procedure I was on cloud nine, I was expecting this from my doctor, because I dint want any other procedure, which does not have that much success rate compared to IVF, IVF too has just 40 to 70 percent depending on each person, but better success rate then other procedures, so obviously we will have the exceptions, but these exception can give u a big jolt when things don’t turn out the way you want it to be or the way it was promised,

My friend who had IVF procedure almost same time as me, she got pregnant in  first transfer (FET)itself but had to miscarry because the fetus was not developing and no heartbeat,one more friend her embryos dint survive at until day 5 , she has to to 2nd round of IVF go through all the drill all over again, many more sad stories about people who i know who go through infertility, and about me my embryos are frozen, my endometrial lining is not growing according to my RE’s satisfaction, so from January my embryo transfer is being  postponed, she has some plan this month hopefully it will work for me,  all my expectations are gone in the drain, but we are normal humans, we cant stop having exceptions again an again and be disappointed, this is infertility life.