The Talk

DISCLAIMER

I just wanted to record the talk I had with the in-house counselor in the clinic I go here, but before I go into the main topic let me give you an update, after my last post, I thought that I will post about my transfer confirmation and all, it’s not that easy in my case you all know, if you been following  me from the beginning if not you can check here. On Monday the 8th it was day 15 for me, the plan was to have the final lining check and start progesterone for the transfer, as usual my cycle was cancelled, according to my RE, whatever my lining is they can transfer because of the ERA test. I need extra 12 hours of progesterone  and my lining was receptive according to my ERA test.

The problem this time was one, that my lining was growing but slowly as usual , but it was growing  and it was a triple line that was the main thing and I felt a bit relieved and second my RE would be out of town during my transfer time, but I said ok for another RE to do my transfer, because my lining was ok this time and I did not want to waste my time, but on Monday during the check up, new RE told she will not do transfer with 6 mm lining even though my RE’s junior doctor told about my lining issues and ERA report.

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I spoke to my RE’s junior  and said that I am ok to go ahead with transfer but she told this time my lining is growing okissh, we will cancel and next month my RE only will do the transfer and who knows next month it might grow even better, but I was not convinced, because I am scared but she told think positive and come back on day 2 of my next period , so I was ok with this plan at some point because I prefer my RE only to do my transfer, so they gave me some withdrawal tabs to be taken after few days , I might get my period in the 4th week of October then start all over again, now the waiting game starts.

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I have written so much that I have not written about the main topic, so yesterday after all the check up’s and all, the in house counselor wanted to meet me.It was nice talking to her, I felt good about myself and and she made me know that  I am doing all in my capacity to make this work, I never felt that I was doing my best.She told me few success stories and how it worked for them, she listened to me when I spoke.She also told me to be positive and my mind being positive has more effective then the medicines I totally agree to that concept, positive mind positive body.

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She also told me few tips which I really loved, which I will be incorporating in my daily life.I spoke to her for almost more than half an hour,it was the best part of the day I felt so so good about myself,she also told me to call her when I need to talk or feeling low or just to unburden, after this I suggest  please go and speak to the counselor that’s the best thing you can do yourself during this infertility journey.I felt I was unburdened and came out with a positive mind and attitude, ( lets call the counselor R)  thank you R so much for making me feel so good now I feel I can do this, thanks again.

Confused Mind

DISCLAIMER

How do I even start writing about this topic I don’t know,but I want to write and take it out of my system. Infertility treatments are all about decisions and decisions, life is tough it feels or are we complicating or infertility complicates life.I sometimes feel why do I have to go through this but do I have choice. I sometimes feel that with these infertility treatments we are stuck, we are not fully moving out of it or we are going more deeper and deeper, stuck in the complicated Chakravuyha.

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I stopped my BCP’s (birth control pills ) yesterday, it was officially the last pill. I have been taking these pills after my first failed FET , RE has suggested to take a month break and come, but I told her I would like to take two months, she suggested take three months too and come back ready for the second FET, I asked her the BCP’s since I have pcos/pcod, I wont get period regularly so I wanted the timing to be perfect, they prescribe two packs of pills, so that after failed FET I would get period and start pills from day 2 of the period and then again from day 2 of the next period, so now I am done with the pills and waiting for my period to start so that I can meet the RE to start mt 2nd FET protocol also I am done with the two months of break.

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Now you might be wondering what I have to decide everything is going smooth, nope I am scared , feeling lonely , worried, and lots of what if’s, what if this cycle does not work too, or if it works how am I going to take it.Last transfer I was excited and not that much worried, but this time I feel very lonely and scared.I don’t know why, I was so ready after the failed FET, but as the days are nearing I am confused, I have been asking questions myself if I should go ahead with this or wait some more time, maybe I am scared of another failure.

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I know I feel ready and after my last cycle I have been waiting for the 2nd FET to start but now when I am almost their why this worry and confusion I don’t know, do all the people who go through infertility treatments feel this way or I am the only one feeling like this. I just want to be ready before my period starts. I don’t want to be a zombie , just going for check up’s and following up. I want to be more involved and happy, I want to be strong. I can only pray to GOD to give me the strength and go with the flow.I don’t know whether this post is making any sense , I feel better after writing these confusions and taking it out of my mind, that’s what is blog for isn’t it , Thank you.

Coping with first failed FET

DISCLAIMER

Its been such a long time that I wrote  something here,as always I want to write sooooo.. much and their is so much in my mind but I am not writing.I wont say I am busy and all, its just that I dint write .Ok coming back to the topic, how I am coping with my first failed FET, is the biggest question.

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its been  a very long road, I am ok at times I am not ok at times,but its been a very difficult journey,I feel alone even with all the support I have got, I wonder how people cope when they don’t even know how to vent out the feelings and don’t know that their is a big support system out their, I am glad I know and have a support system which helps me a bit, but the truth is in the end of the day we are the only one who have to suffer.

The loneliness, the fear, what if  even the next transfer does not work, why my body is betraying me, why? why? why?, these are the questions I have been asking myself after my first failed FET. I have also learned a lot about relationships, friends and how people treat me just because they got pregnant and not me in this period ,  this topic needs a separate post, because I want to write and vent out so much, because people whom I thought will be my strength ans support were the one’s who did not want to talk to me, dint I say this needs a  separate post.

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When I started  the IVF treatment I was a different person, now I am a totally a different person, so much I have learned about  people  and life in general. When my first FET was about to start I did so many things even though my FET’s were being cancelled due to lining issues . I tried meditation, pranayama , yoga, good food , walking , prayers and so much more, but this time even though I had two months before my 2nd FET and still have few more weeks before I strart my 2nd FET, I have not done anything of the above, yes maybe be 10 percent of that, which I am not happy.

I still not have not written how I am coping with failure, we traveled a bit, now again after two days we are travelling again, then my BCP’s will finish from monday, so I am also in the count-down mode,talking to people who still want to be  my friend , even after they becoming pregnant and me not, eating junk, yes seriously I am eating junk, but since I am vegan they are not that bad junk so I am ok with it.Drinking loads of my favorite back coffee , which this time I am planning to stop from day 1 of the FET. I am still in the thinking mode of starting of meditation, pranayama , yoga, prayers , good food and all,after the trip or from today I am not sure.

I wanted to write and vent out but I was not able to because my nephews 1st birthday celebration’s and  I was also helping out so you know right.I still cant believe he is one already, when I started my treatment with my Gynecologist  its was during my bro engagement, then marriage , pregnancy , baby shower, my nephews naming ceremony and now his 1st birthday. I am still in the limbo land  land I don’t even know whether  my next transfer will be success or not.

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If anyone has read this rant until the end then your great and thank you, and if anyone  of you is going through this phase just hold on the hope, also let me know how you dealt or dealing when your were/are in this situation.

Regressing Lining…

DISCLAIMER

What do write? I do not even want to write anything in my blog, because their is nothing new to write, I have been writing only about the 5 to 6 FET cycle cancellations and that’s all I have been writing here, but after my last post I have seen increase in the traffic, sooo many people have checked my blog to know about my progress, thank you so much people, and that’s the reason I decided to write an update about my regressing lining and also one more reason, which has been in my mind from past few weeks, is that I have not read or come across any blogs how a not so growing good lining stories how they overcame it or what was their next plan is , I have read just one blog about lining issues thats it. I have read  a lot about lining issues in infertility forums, and people have become pregnant with thin linings and sometime it grew fine and they conceived and all. also with the help of ERA test reports , so their is a light in the end, I just need to be a patient, not just patience loads of it.

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I have no idea how I will end up in this journey.  Pathologically my lining does not have any issues, this was know by the hysteroscopy-laparoscopy procedure, even during clomid cycle after ovulation my lining as grown great, after my egg retrieval my lining was 8-mm triple line,then in my April cycle -ERA test cycle it grew above 7 ,and last cycle on day 8 it was 6.5, but why it regressed on day 11 is a question mark or on day 11 my transfer date would have fixed or I would have got an idea when my transfer would be.RE told me maybe because of too much of hormones , the estrogen which I have been taking from past 6 months and told me if I am ready to take a break of 2 months because in march I was on break with no estrogen at all and in April my lining grew fine.

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I want to tell everyone in this journey, what ever your issues are, and whatever that is preventing you  from achieving the most wanted pregnancy, just breath and believe , I know its not easy, but do we have choice, we do everything we can to become pregnant and mommies, but we need to be strong  and stay strong and do what we have to do next, we just cant crib and cry, you are not alone, be strong and inspire others.Thank you everyone who sincerely wanted to know how I was doing and what my next plans are. What my next plan is? I will write about  it soon, until then you take care people.

 

 

 

 

Nothing New…..

DISCLAIMER

….Yes you read it right there nothing  new new to write here, I have been procrastinating from past few days, I am  tired mentally and physically with all the tablets and all. I wanted to write but what is their to write it is the same old thing, cancelled cycle again. I am OK , I should be OK and I am getting used to this cancelled cycles. I am ok because this time the cycle was cancelled for other reasons not only  because of my lining.My June cycle will work out, a gut feeling you know but you never know.

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May cycle was cancelled because of many reasons, after my ERA test I was told to stop all my tablets, Progynova, duphaston and Progesterone pessaries, and take just Meprate 10 mg twice a day for ten days so that it delays my period and the start the may cycle on day 2 and by then my ERA report  come,which usually take 3 weeks to come through.So since I was almost free for almost 10 days due to the tabs plus few more days until AF arrives, we decided for a short road trip.

We started for the road trip when I was still on last four tablets,I was fine because we would be back by  the time I finish my tablets. but on the second day of the trip I started  spotting, I panicked, and still  took the remaining tablets spoke to my friend F , she told me to take appointment for the next day I will be back from the trip, I just did that. Once I was back I met my RE’s assistant, my RE was on holiday for a month I guess. The doctor told me not to panic and told maybe due to travel and all I have started spotting early, she also told to take my tablets until when its prescribed and be back on day 2 to start FET cycle.

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I stopped my tab on 30 April and AF arrived on May 1st and on 2nd May went to meet my RE, she checked  my lining and prescribed estrogen (Progynova) as I have written here, because they want to do exactly like my ERA cycle pattern, she was also concerned that AF had arrived earlier then expected and their was more time for the ERA report to come.I was called again on day 8, but I already new that this cycleis not going to work because as  I have  written above I had started spotting from 28th April until 1st May and was continuously bleeding  from 2nd May until on 10th of May, that was my day 8 of HRT cycle.

One more Ssetback was my ERA report was being delayed for whatever reasons, and also I wanted to have my transfer by my RE not someone else, as I have said above my RE was out of country for a month , so I knew this wont work, also since I was bleeding for  a long time, my lining was growing as expected, and my ERA report had not yet come.So my RE’s assistant told we should cancel this cycle and put me on Meprate for 5 days and until 23rd May, now I am waiting for AF to arrive, so we can start my new cycle and my RE will be back on 30th May.

My ERA report came the next day after my cancelled cycle, I got a call from the clinic and told that I am early receptive means just few hour more progesterone is what the doctor told me, and she also told that nothing to worry and come on day 2 and will explain what exactly my report says, so now I am waiting for AF to arrive and get more info on ERA report which I will keep posted here. This is such a long rant I just wanted to do a quick update, dint expect that my post would be this long, excuse any grammar mistakes I have no energy to edit it.

 

 

 

 

 

S for Support , Strength and Sprituality #A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

The infertility journey has helped me make some great friends they are my greatest support, my support system. Only these friends can understand my situation like no else can because we are all a part of this journey.All the friends I have made in this journey are not at the same stage of infertility treatments, some are just beginning, some are in the middle, for some they are taking treatments from few years, but we are all a part of this journey, and like I have earlier said, only those who go through this infertility journey will understand us, I have already written about the amazing support I have here.I have meet some amazing infertility warriors in the clinics, through the online support forums, and through infertility blogs.

My own strength, I would have never known  my strength if I had not  been a part of this journey. I  dint know that I was strong until my cousins and  friends told that I am very strong and the way I have been handling these infertility issues and things related to it, only then did I know how strong I am, but we don’t have choice,being strong is the only choice we have.

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Spirituality was and is  a part of my life. This journey has made me more spiritual. Their are times when failures happens but then, I blame GOD for that moment and then just move on. I don’t broad over why God did this  to me and all, I was feeling very low before starting my IVF, then later realized  no use of boarding over things we have no control over, we just  need to move on, have hope and believe in the universe.

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PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

Q for Questions # A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

Asking Questions is very important during infertility treatments, because we pay so much, to get our bodies go through to get our baby, its our right to know whats happening with us. Ask and ask and ask as much as question you can and ask until you satisfied with the RE’s answer.When I started my treatments, I was intimated by the RE, so I hardly asked any questions, I would just listen to whatever my RE would say  and go with a flow, even though I used to have doubts. I know my RE would know better then me, but I am paying so much money I would also would love to know, why she was/is giving those tablets or injections, just an info in simple terms nothing elaborate.

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Now from past few months, after not agreeing to day 3 in January, I still don’t know why I did that,I have written about it here.I ask questions, see we are google generation, so ask my doubts, until its not cleared , I don’t go ahead.Sometimes my RE gets offended I feel, but I pay so much money and I need to know whats happening with me.

This Saturday I am getting the ERA test done, I am darn nervous, but its a better option before I go for the transfer next month. This month when RE started FET, they told if my lining grows well then they would go ahead with ET or ERA test would be the option before transfer, you  can read about my lining issues here and here. This cycle my lining was growing fine, according to my RE it was moderate not bad or good either, she also its ok to go for a transfer, finally a breather after so many cancelled FET cycles. So I was in a fix if I wanted to go for ET or ERA test, so I asked my RE that I need a days times, before I decide if I want to go ahead with the test or ET.RE told me I could give a call and let  her know what my decision would be.The tablets I was taking is used either for FET or ERA, because ERA test is done on the transfer day, so this cycle is almost like mock FET for me, I will get an idea how FET timeline,about ERA test I will write in detail once I am done with it.

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Those twenty four hours was a nightmare for me, I decided to go and meet her next day instead of speaking on phone.I met her and asked , what she would recommend, she told that for my lining issues, she would recommend to do the test, before transfer and increase the success rate,by 15 percent more, also she explained how its will help me and them by know if my lining is post-receptive or pre-receptive, and in my next cycle even if my lining grows slow and lesser on the day of transfer, they will know exact the implantation window which is 36 to 48 hours my RE told, RE spoke much more but that will need another post.Its ERA for me on Saturday wish me luck.


PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

 

I for Invasive & Insurance #A to Z Challenge

DISCLAMER

Infertility treatments are very very invasive I must say. When we decided we wanted babies, and nothing worked the normal way, we tried the all the non-invasive treatments like Ayurveda and Homeopathy when those were exhausted,I had no choice but to go the Allopathic way , I am was darn scared because I knew it would be very invasive. We being the google generation , we just google every darn thing. Everything I read was all about tvs-scans, HSG test , hysteroscopy and much more, the list is never ending, and every time we go for check ups, tvs scan is a must, or the RE wont know whats happening with the reproductive system.

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The above tests are just the beginning, once your a part of either IUI or IVF roller coaster ride, its even more invasive, now I am just used to those invasive scans, if my RE does not ask me to get undressed from my lower part I will be worried, and will be thinking why she is not scanning today, nah nah after speaking to me the nurse tells me to undress and dang the scan is done, its not painful but its obviously uncomfortable. Invasive in the part of infertility life.

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Insurance I wont talk much, but here in India insurance is not covered for a single infertility issue, we have to pay everything from our pocket and these treatments are very expensive. Every time my RE suggests tests I need to think how much it might costs and when should it be paid, its very draining mentally, physically and financially , dint I say you need to be a warrior to go through infertility treatments.


PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences, I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

D for Dysfunctional # A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

Infertility journey makes us feel like we don’t function like normal people, we feel we are dysfunctional.For many people it is just so easy to have a baby, they decide they want to have a child and boom they are pregnant, but for us its never that easy, and that make us feel like we are not normal, and wonder why its is so easy for them and so so very difficult for us. Since its not that easy to conceive, it makes us feel why our body is so dysfunctional and feel that our own body is deceiving us.

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Another thing is the deficiency, when we start going to the gynecologist after TTC(trying to conceive) for a year or so, the first thing they tell us is to do loads of blood work to know what deficiencies are their in both the husband and wife, more in the wife since she will be the one carrying the baby. Even before we start the treatment, we women take loads of tablets like, vitamin D, folic acid,metformin for pcod, some other tablet for thyroid , soneother for another deficiency, then we research more and start taking other tablets like vitamin E, proteins, wheat grass juice and much more because we like to complicate ourselves like I have written here.

We are so convinced that our body is dysfunctional and has all the deficiencies in this world, try out many things, that’s infertility life, we are are totally obsessed and you can know from my posts.The main thing I write this blog is to create awareness also I want people who are in this phase /journey that your not alone, just share your story and create awareness.

A NEW PLAN

DISCLAIMER

Its been more than a week, I have not updated at all, I just was going with the flow and taking things as they come. I will not say I was not feeling low, I was angry with myself and my lining. My lining during clomid  cycles and during non medicated cycle grew fine, but I am not able to understand why with the help of medicines its not growing , I was feeling bad that even this cycle did not work.In my last post I had written that I have an appointment with RE on 14th FEB day 12 or 10 not sure, so when I went for the lining check it was as usual  just 4.6 more less than the last time , I was disappointed they upped my dose and told me to come on 17th FEB, so on Saturday it just grew 5.6 or something, what a mess my body is, I felt.

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So there is a new plan now, yes you read it right, my RE  has suggested a new plan since my lining is not growing  with estrogen/progynova tablets. RE gave me a choice that I either go ahead with ERA test next cycle or try one natural cycle, before deciding about ERA test. I am still on estrogen and also meprate until Friday once I stop those I will get my period within a week then I can go for my day two scan and start natutal cycle.So I am a bit relieved I wanted to try a natural cycle before doing any other test, I am hopeful that in my natural cycle the grand lining will grow fine, but also I feel that I was on estrogen for two months so it might effect. I am happy that this time we will try natural cycle but also worried too, life is so confusing.

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I have moved on from my last canceled cycle, and I am trying to eat  healthy . I am a vegan is that effecting my lining , but I don’t think so, during clomid and non medicated cycles my lining grew fine and I was vegan even at that time, so maybe that estrogen is the culprit here. I read that for one in ten people estrogen supplements does not work, so maybe I am the one in those 10 people sigh.

I am trying to eat good food, vegetarian protein, raspberry tea, pomegranate juice , coffee I need to cut down and stop after my period or should I stop from now only I am not sure. I am walking and doing yoga too, also many of you people have suggested acupuncture so I have taken appointment with a infertility specialist acupuncturist for tomorrow and lets see how it works.

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I am doing all I can for this cycle and hoping it will work and I don’t have to do ERA test which is quite expensive too.I have been  diagnosed  with PCOS/PCOD so I don’t ovulate on my own  most of the time, so how will my doctor do this I have no idea, will she be giving me a tablet for my follicles to grow and then give me trigger shot or what I have no idea,but this is how it will work for me I think or maybe RE  has other plans lets see.I just want this cycle to work, any tips and suggestions would be great, also anybody done natural cycle who is a pcos patient and how did it work  for you and the time line,I would love to know, thank you in advance.