The Talk

DISCLAIMER

I just wanted to record the talk I had with the in-house counselor in the clinic I go here, but before I go into the main topic let me give you an update, after my last post, I thought that I will post about my transfer confirmation and all, it’s not that easy in my case you all know, if you been following  me from the beginning if not you can check here. On Monday the 8th it was day 15 for me, the plan was to have the final lining check and start progesterone for the transfer, as usual my cycle was cancelled, according to my RE, whatever my lining is they can transfer because of the ERA test. I need extra 12 hours of progesterone  and my lining was receptive according to my ERA test.

The problem this time was one, that my lining was growing but slowly as usual , but it was growing  and it was a triple line that was the main thing and I felt a bit relieved and second my RE would be out of town during my transfer time, but I said ok for another RE to do my transfer, because my lining was ok this time and I did not want to waste my time, but on Monday during the check up, new RE told she will not do transfer with 6 mm lining even though my RE’s junior doctor told about my lining issues and ERA report.

download

I spoke to my RE’s junior  and said that I am ok to go ahead with transfer but she told this time my lining is growing okissh, we will cancel and next month my RE only will do the transfer and who knows next month it might grow even better, but I was not convinced, because I am scared but she told think positive and come back on day 2 of my next period , so I was ok with this plan at some point because I prefer my RE only to do my transfer, so they gave me some withdrawal tabs to be taken after few days , I might get my period in the 4th week of October then start all over again, now the waiting game starts.

images

I have written so much that I have not written about the main topic, so yesterday after all the check up’s and all, the in house counselor wanted to meet me.It was nice talking to her, I felt good about myself and and she made me know that  I am doing all in my capacity to make this work, I never felt that I was doing my best.She told me few success stories and how it worked for them, she listened to me when I spoke.She also told me to be positive and my mind being positive has more effective then the medicines I totally agree to that concept, positive mind positive body.

images

 

She also told me few tips which I really loved, which I will be incorporating in my daily life.I spoke to her for almost more than half an hour,it was the best part of the day I felt so so good about myself,she also told me to call her when I need to talk or feeling low or just to unburden, after this I suggest  please go and speak to the counselor that’s the best thing you can do yourself during this infertility journey.I felt I was unburdened and came out with a positive mind and attitude, ( lets call the counselor R)  thank you R so much for making me feel so good now I feel I can do this, thanks again.

Confused Mind

DISCLAIMER

How do I even start writing about this topic I don’t know,but I want to write and take it out of my system. Infertility treatments are all about decisions and decisions, life is tough it feels or are we complicating or infertility complicates life.I sometimes feel why do I have to go through this but do I have choice. I sometimes feel that with these infertility treatments we are stuck, we are not fully moving out of it or we are going more deeper and deeper, stuck in the complicated Chakravuyha.

download

I stopped my BCP’s (birth control pills ) yesterday, it was officially the last pill. I have been taking these pills after my first failed FET , RE has suggested to take a month break and come, but I told her I would like to take two months, she suggested take three months too and come back ready for the second FET, I asked her the BCP’s since I have pcos/pcod, I wont get period regularly so I wanted the timing to be perfect, they prescribe two packs of pills, so that after failed FET I would get period and start pills from day 2 of the period and then again from day 2 of the next period, so now I am done with the pills and waiting for my period to start so that I can meet the RE to start mt 2nd FET protocol also I am done with the two months of break.

download

Now you might be wondering what I have to decide everything is going smooth, nope I am scared , feeling lonely , worried, and lots of what if’s, what if this cycle does not work too, or if it works how am I going to take it.Last transfer I was excited and not that much worried, but this time I feel very lonely and scared.I don’t know why, I was so ready after the failed FET, but as the days are nearing I am confused, I have been asking questions myself if I should go ahead with this or wait some more time, maybe I am scared of another failure.

23

I know I feel ready and after my last cycle I have been waiting for the 2nd FET to start but now when I am almost their why this worry and confusion I don’t know, do all the people who go through infertility treatments feel this way or I am the only one feeling like this. I just want to be ready before my period starts. I don’t want to be a zombie , just going for check up’s and following up. I want to be more involved and happy, I want to be strong. I can only pray to GOD to give me the strength and go with the flow.I don’t know whether this post is making any sense , I feel better after writing these confusions and taking it out of my mind, that’s what is blog for isn’t it , Thank you.

Coping with first failed FET

DISCLAIMER

Its been such a long time that I wrote  something here,as always I want to write sooooo.. much and their is so much in my mind but I am not writing.I wont say I am busy and all, its just that I dint write .Ok coming back to the topic, how I am coping with my first failed FET, is the biggest question.

e007ed55fc39732dbef879e549821f36--endometriosis-quotes-infertility-hurts

 

 

its been  a very long road, I am ok at times I am not ok at times,but its been a very difficult journey,I feel alone even with all the support I have got, I wonder how people cope when they don’t even know how to vent out the feelings and don’t know that their is a big support system out their, I am glad I know and have a support system which helps me a bit, but the truth is in the end of the day we are the only one who have to suffer.

The loneliness, the fear, what if  even the next transfer does not work, why my body is betraying me, why? why? why?, these are the questions I have been asking myself after my first failed FET. I have also learned a lot about relationships, friends and how people treat me just because they got pregnant and not me in this period ,  this topic needs a separate post, because I want to write and vent out so much, because people whom I thought will be my strength ans support were the one’s who did not want to talk to me, dint I say this needs a  separate post.

images

 

When I started  the IVF treatment I was a different person, now I am a totally a different person, so much I have learned about  people  and life in general. When my first FET was about to start I did so many things even though my FET’s were being cancelled due to lining issues . I tried meditation, pranayama , yoga, good food , walking , prayers and so much more, but this time even though I had two months before my 2nd FET and still have few more weeks before I strart my 2nd FET, I have not done anything of the above, yes maybe be 10 percent of that, which I am not happy.

I still not have not written how I am coping with failure, we traveled a bit, now again after two days we are travelling again, then my BCP’s will finish from monday, so I am also in the count-down mode,talking to people who still want to be  my friend , even after they becoming pregnant and me not, eating junk, yes seriously I am eating junk, but since I am vegan they are not that bad junk so I am ok with it.Drinking loads of my favorite back coffee , which this time I am planning to stop from day 1 of the FET. I am still in the thinking mode of starting of meditation, pranayama , yoga, prayers , good food and all,after the trip or from today I am not sure.

I wanted to write and vent out but I was not able to because my nephews 1st birthday celebration’s and  I was also helping out so you know right.I still cant believe he is one already, when I started my treatment with my Gynecologist  its was during my bro engagement, then marriage , pregnancy , baby shower, my nephews naming ceremony and now his 1st birthday. I am still in the limbo land  land I don’t even know whether  my next transfer will be success or not.

images (3)

If anyone has read this rant until the end then your great and thank you, and if anyone  of you is going through this phase just hold on the hope, also let me know how you dealt or dealing when your were/are in this situation.

Nothing New…..

DISCLAIMER

….Yes you read it right there nothing  new new to write here, I have been procrastinating from past few days, I am  tired mentally and physically with all the tablets and all. I wanted to write but what is their to write it is the same old thing, cancelled cycle again. I am OK , I should be OK and I am getting used to this cancelled cycles. I am ok because this time the cycle was cancelled for other reasons not only  because of my lining.My June cycle will work out, a gut feeling you know but you never know.

images (2)

 

 

May cycle was cancelled because of many reasons, after my ERA test I was told to stop all my tablets, Progynova, duphaston and Progesterone pessaries, and take just Meprate 10 mg twice a day for ten days so that it delays my period and the start the may cycle on day 2 and by then my ERA report  come,which usually take 3 weeks to come through.So since I was almost free for almost 10 days due to the tabs plus few more days until AF arrives, we decided for a short road trip.

We started for the road trip when I was still on last four tablets,I was fine because we would be back by  the time I finish my tablets. but on the second day of the trip I started  spotting, I panicked, and still  took the remaining tablets spoke to my friend F , she told me to take appointment for the next day I will be back from the trip, I just did that. Once I was back I met my RE’s assistant, my RE was on holiday for a month I guess. The doctor told me not to panic and told maybe due to travel and all I have started spotting early, she also told to take my tablets until when its prescribed and be back on day 2 to start FET cycle.

nothing worth having comes easy

I stopped my tab on 30 April and AF arrived on May 1st and on 2nd May went to meet my RE, she checked  my lining and prescribed estrogen (Progynova) as I have written here, because they want to do exactly like my ERA cycle pattern, she was also concerned that AF had arrived earlier then expected and their was more time for the ERA report to come.I was called again on day 8, but I already new that this cycleis not going to work because as  I have  written above I had started spotting from 28th April until 1st May and was continuously bleeding  from 2nd May until on 10th of May, that was my day 8 of HRT cycle.

One more Ssetback was my ERA report was being delayed for whatever reasons, and also I wanted to have my transfer by my RE not someone else, as I have said above my RE was out of country for a month , so I knew this wont work, also since I was bleeding for  a long time, my lining was growing as expected, and my ERA report had not yet come.So my RE’s assistant told we should cancel this cycle and put me on Meprate for 5 days and until 23rd May, now I am waiting for AF to arrive, so we can start my new cycle and my RE will be back on 30th May.

My ERA report came the next day after my cancelled cycle, I got a call from the clinic and told that I am early receptive means just few hour more progesterone is what the doctor told me, and she also told that nothing to worry and come on day 2 and will explain what exactly my report says, so now I am waiting for AF to arrive and get more info on ERA report which I will keep posted here. This is such a long rant I just wanted to do a quick update, dint expect that my post would be this long, excuse any grammar mistakes I have no energy to edit it.

 

 

 

 

 

V for Vitrification # A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

Vitrification in IVF can allow freezing of spare embryos with better post-thaw survival rates and higher pregnancy and live birth rates from frozen embryo transfer cycles. In simple terms Vitrification means freezing the embryos and also oocytes /eggs, for later or future use.

15245749025061647027547.jpg

vitrification is a solid glass-like cell, free of ice crystals.Vitrification can efficiently preserve spare eggs and embryos, so they can be used later on to achieve a pregnancy after thawing. Survival rates after vitrification and subsequent pregnancy rates are much better than they were with conventional slow freezing.

Vitrification is dependent on the placement of the oocyte/embryo in a very small volume of vitrification medium which is then cooled at an extreme rate, so that the embryos are flash frozen and preserved intact,content source, here.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

Q for Questions # A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

Asking Questions is very important during infertility treatments, because we pay so much, to get our bodies go through to get our baby, its our right to know whats happening with us. Ask and ask and ask as much as question you can and ask until you satisfied with the RE’s answer.When I started my treatments, I was intimated by the RE, so I hardly asked any questions, I would just listen to whatever my RE would say  and go with a flow, even though I used to have doubts. I know my RE would know better then me, but I am paying so much money I would also would love to know, why she was/is giving those tablets or injections, just an info in simple terms nothing elaborate.

the-question-is-just-as-important-as-the-answer-quote-1

Now from past few months, after not agreeing to day 3 in January, I still don’t know why I did that,I have written about it here.I ask questions, see we are google generation, so ask my doubts, until its not cleared , I don’t go ahead.Sometimes my RE gets offended I feel, but I pay so much money and I need to know whats happening with me.

This Saturday I am getting the ERA test done, I am darn nervous, but its a better option before I go for the transfer next month. This month when RE started FET, they told if my lining grows well then they would go ahead with ET or ERA test would be the option before transfer, you  can read about my lining issues here and here. This cycle my lining was growing fine, according to my RE it was moderate not bad or good either, she also its ok to go for a transfer, finally a breather after so many cancelled FET cycles. So I was in a fix if I wanted to go for ET or ERA test, so I asked my RE that I need a days times, before I decide if I want to go ahead with the test or ET.RE told me I could give a call and let  her know what my decision would be.The tablets I was taking is used either for FET or ERA, because ERA test is done on the transfer day, so this cycle is almost like mock FET for me, I will get an idea how FET timeline,about ERA test I will write in detail once I am done with it.

images (2)

Those twenty four hours was a nightmare for me, I decided to go and meet her next day instead of speaking on phone.I met her and asked , what she would recommend, she told that for my lining issues, she would recommend to do the test, before transfer and increase the success rate,by 15 percent more, also she explained how its will help me and them by know if my lining is post-receptive or pre-receptive, and in my next cycle even if my lining grows slow and lesser on the day of transfer, they will know exact the implantation window which is 36 to 48 hours my RE told, RE spoke much more but that will need another post.Its ERA for me on Saturday wish me luck.


PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

 

P for Progestrone & PGS #A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

Progesterone is a hormone usually used in HRT cycles , progesterone is also used for other women reproductive issues too but I do not have much idea about it .Progesterone is a steroid hormone released by the corpus luteum that stimulates the uterus to prepare for pregnancy, if the pregnancy does not happen, the women gets her period and the endometrial lining sheds, and starts the period next cycle.

images (2)

If a women falls pregnant the progesterone helps in keeping the pregnancy. In IVF pregnancies  progesterone is given even before embryo transfer, like if its a day 3 transfer 3 days of progesterone pessaries or progesterone injections, sometimes both are given, then transfer is done. If its is a day 5 transfer five days of progesterone is given, after the transfer is done until, 10 to 12 weeks women need to take those progesterone suppositories, later the embryo produces its own progesterone, I am taking about IVF pregnancies.If their is any wrong in the information I have written here do correct me, if anybody has read this post.

PGS  or pre-implantation genetic screening, is a genetic test performed on embryos produced through IVF. PGS gives information about embryos’ genetic health to help your embryologist select the best embryo for transfer and improve your chance of achieving a successful pregnancy.In simple terms, few cells are taken/biopsied  from  the already formed embryos to check if it has any chromosomal or genetic problem, and then the best embryo is selected and transferred, in the next FET cycle. PGS is usually done  only when their are persistent implantation failures, abnormal growth of embryo and miscarriages.

images (4)

PGS  test is not suggested for all. PGS is a very expensive test. In my friends case which I have written about here, she had to abort her em-baby by taking oral pills,because her baby was growing on time and their was not heartbeat, so her doc told before going the PGS test, let her do a a bit less expensive blood test for both her and husband ,its called Karyotyping which I have written here, if that test comes normal she can go head with her next FET or if their is some chromosomal problem in either one of her or her husband, then they have to go for PGS.

FYI :This  above post is a little about what I know due to the infertility treatments,and some is via the always great google search, resource.


 

PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

 

 

Starting All Over Again – FET

DISCLAIMER

IMG-20180208-WA0022

In my last post I had written that I might get my period by 5th or 6th of Feb, but AF arrived very soon, on Friday 2nd Feb I was spotting and on 3rd morning I knew that my period is in the way, but I was spotting until noon, so I was darn worried  about when should I go, on day 2 or wait until Monday day 3, because RE  wanted me to come on day 2 after getting my period, and my day 2 would have been Sunday the 4th sigh,my life around is IVF is always confused.

 

 

I rang my clinic to tell about my confusion they told me to come on Monday day 3 no problem, so on Monday 5th Feb day 3 of I went to meet RE. I hate those TVS/ultrasound scan specifically on the bleeding days, but cant help you know that.RE did the scan and told everything looks fine 5 mm lining is shedding, no cysts and all.

images (3)

So again my RE gave those same dose as last time  Progynova 2 mg (estrogen) tabs one in the morning and one in the night exactly after twelve hours for three days until day 6, and from day 7 two tabs in the morning and two in the night and same twelve hours apart .I am on EV progynova tabs from day 3, last time I was the same tab my period stopped on day 4 and day 4 it was almost only spotting, this time I had my bleeding until day 6, so I am darn worried that about my lining, will it grow this time or what, this journey as made me very negative seriously, I was never ever  a negative person but life situations make me like this.

images

I have an appointment on day 12 ,14th Feb what a day for me, what say. I am hoping my lining will grow by then, please pray for me and any tips for the lining to grow thank in advance, will update soon.

The Bumpy Ride & A Break

DISCLAIMER

As you read the title, my IVF journey has been always been a  bumpy ride nothing has worked accordingly, there has been delays, not knowing what next, now cancellations too,I am tired of this even though its just the beginning and hopefully it will work fine in the end. So after my last post I just wanted to disappear, and seriously I just wanted a break,also I knew at the back of my mind this cycle wont work due to my lining issues and that’s what  happened.

f320d88033791b5453ae5b8dfae9f258--infertility-quotes-pcos-infertility

On the 25th our 11th anniversary I went for my scan, I just knew this wont work also on 31st there was a  lunar eclipse on which day I did not wanted to be in TWW, I wanted to go for our anniversary trip as planned in November,so many things and so my lining was the same 6.4 mm or 6.7 mm something it had shrunk back like 0.2 mm I think compare to my last scan on day 15th , so FET was cancelled but my embryos are safe uff.

My lining growth and on time growth is what my RE wants, so that my em-babies can snuggle up and be their until 9 months safe and healthy and for which I agreed too, RE told that we can waste/cancel cycles but not embryos. RE told me to stop Progynova and take Meprate for 6 days, and once I stop those I will get period within a week , I stopped the tab on Tuesday, so I am thinking I will get period on Monday or Tuesday lets see and I have to meet RE on day 2 to start the new FET cycle, hopefully February is my month.

(Disclaimer: Please do not copy, or distribute the photo’s without the author’s  content)

I went home packed for our trip. We went at the western most tip of India and enjoyed our break, this break has made me very positive, visited Dwarkanath  and two Jothirlingas Nagehwar and Somanath. The trip was mix of spiritual, visiting beaches  and  seeing the nature at the best.I came home with a positive mind ready for the  next cycle. I so badly wanted to visit these two temples before my FET and so that’s what God wanted to I guess.On another note my friend F about whom I have mentioned here and here has her transfer tomorrow and I am darn excited for her,her positive will be my hope too, ok will stop now and leave with you some pics of our trip and have a great weekend.

 

THE LINING SAGA

DISCLAIMER 

I don’t know what will happen with my first FET cycle,usually my lining is never a issue, its always thickens on time, this is the first time, it is not getting thick, it is triple line from day 10 but not thickening like it has too.I don’t know why, I was checking my clomid cycle file, where I had to go for alternate days for scans from day 14/15/16 until I ovulate, in all those  scans every two days it used to grow 1 mm, like on day 15 it would be 6 mm and on 17 it would be 7 mm like that, so it would grow fine by the time I would ovulate, but why this time with all the medication I don’t know, this is very frustrating.

96c8555a3340024968e172166d71cb49--infertility-quotes-endometriosis

On my day 15 scan I went for the scan it was just 6.4 or 6.6 mm not sure, in those five days it just grew less than 1 mm, why oh why is this happening.So my RE told me that my lining is not growing according to her satisfaction, so she gave me a choice to either cancel this cycle or wait for two three days and checking if my lining is growing and then decide , I told we will wait and check after two days, so now my scan is on 25th day 18 and I am hoping that it grows by then and but I am not sure.RE also told that sometime they cancel 2 to 5 cycles until the lining is fine, because our embryos are very important, we can can cancel due to lining but we  should not lose embryos and I agree with that.

you-say-i-dont-know-if-i-can-make-it-god-says-i-will-give-you-strength-quote-1

My IVF cycle from the start as always been very slow, loads of confusions, waiting and never ending suspense until  the end. I am really feeling very low and don’t know what next, if my cycle gets cancelled  luckily we had planned a trip for our anniversary but we had not cancelled don’t know why so we will go ahead with the trip in case the cycle is cancelled, so I guess I have something to look forward and divert my mind, also hopefully RE will start the FET immediately form next cycle itself I cant wait any more, already I am very frustrated with this cycle and I am also hoping this cycle wont be cancelled but I am ready for whatever it is and trying to be calm.I am tired of waiting.

b73c44ace334778712b49c6434094250