Coping with first failed FET

DISCLAIMER

Its been such a long time that I wrote  something here,as always I want to write sooooo.. much and their is so much in my mind but I am not writing.I wont say I am busy and all, its just that I dint write .Ok coming back to the topic, how I am coping with my first failed FET, is the biggest question.

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its been  a very long road, I am ok at times I am not ok at times,but its been a very difficult journey,I feel alone even with all the support I have got, I wonder how people cope when they don’t even know how to vent out the feelings and don’t know that their is a big support system out their, I am glad I know and have a support system which helps me a bit, but the truth is in the end of the day we are the only one who have to suffer.

The loneliness, the fear, what if  even the next transfer does not work, why my body is betraying me, why? why? why?, these are the questions I have been asking myself after my first failed FET. I have also learned a lot about relationships, friends and how people treat me just because they got pregnant and not me in this period ,  this topic needs a separate post, because I want to write and vent out so much, because people whom I thought will be my strength ans support were the one’s who did not want to talk to me, dint I say this needs a  separate post.

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When I started  the IVF treatment I was a different person, now I am a totally a different person, so much I have learned about  people  and life in general. When my first FET was about to start I did so many things even though my FET’s were being cancelled due to lining issues . I tried meditation, pranayama , yoga, good food , walking , prayers and so much more, but this time even though I had two months before my 2nd FET and still have few more weeks before I strart my 2nd FET, I have not done anything of the above, yes maybe be 10 percent of that, which I am not happy.

I still not have not written how I am coping with failure, we traveled a bit, now again after two days we are travelling again, then my BCP’s will finish from monday, so I am also in the count-down mode,talking to people who still want to be  my friend , even after they becoming pregnant and me not, eating junk, yes seriously I am eating junk, but since I am vegan they are not that bad junk so I am ok with it.Drinking loads of my favorite back coffee , which this time I am planning to stop from day 1 of the FET. I am still in the thinking mode of starting of meditation, pranayama , yoga, prayers , good food and all,after the trip or from today I am not sure.

I wanted to write and vent out but I was not able to because my nephews 1st birthday celebration’s and  I was also helping out so you know right.I still cant believe he is one already, when I started my treatment with my Gynecologist  its was during my bro engagement, then marriage , pregnancy , baby shower, my nephews naming ceremony and now his 1st birthday. I am still in the limbo land  land I don’t even know whether  my next transfer will be success or not.

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If anyone has read this rant until the end then your great and thank you, and if anyone  of you is going through this phase just hold on the hope, also let me know how you dealt or dealing when your were/are in this situation.

ERA Result & Updates

DISCLAIMER

I feel just lost, their is so much to do but I am not able to, I feel like life is just a drag, because of the cycle cancellations and all, and as I mentioned in my last post RE was out of town or something, also my ERA report was delayed, so my last cycle was cancelled.I am ok now, do I have any choice other then being ok.

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Once again started my HRT cycle from 29th May, do I have hope? I do not know, at least not now, I am just living like a zombie. Last night I had a dream where my RE is checking my lining and it was only 1.8 mm😣😥 I just woke up in the middle of the night, I am thinking too much I think, tomorrow is my 8th day of HRT cycle, you can read about how HRT cycle works here. I will be going for my lining check tomorrow hoping my lining would have grown ok if not great

I am doing everything in my capacity to make this cycle work, I am eating home cooked food ,walking, pranyama, meditation and planning to add yoga too . I love my black coffee I am slowly reducing taking coffee, and will stop complete after my progesterone is started.I am praying , in the end that’s all I can do,  I am doing everything in my capacity and leavening rest to God.

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My ERA test result, the good news is my lining is receptive but, but I need extra 12 hours of progesterone, so that’s a relief and in this cycle if my lining ok they know the receptive window so RE will work around it I think. My RE had told me that whenever my transfer happens she will just transfer according to my ERA timeline. I am having loads of hopes this cycle, hopefully my body wont let me down this time, until then I just have to hold on to hope just hope.

Nothing New…..

DISCLAIMER

….Yes you read it right there nothing  new new to write here, I have been procrastinating from past few days, I am  tired mentally and physically with all the tablets and all. I wanted to write but what is their to write it is the same old thing, cancelled cycle again. I am OK , I should be OK and I am getting used to this cancelled cycles. I am ok because this time the cycle was cancelled for other reasons not only  because of my lining.My June cycle will work out, a gut feeling you know but you never know.

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May cycle was cancelled because of many reasons, after my ERA test I was told to stop all my tablets, Progynova, duphaston and Progesterone pessaries, and take just Meprate 10 mg twice a day for ten days so that it delays my period and the start the may cycle on day 2 and by then my ERA report  come,which usually take 3 weeks to come through.So since I was almost free for almost 10 days due to the tabs plus few more days until AF arrives, we decided for a short road trip.

We started for the road trip when I was still on last four tablets,I was fine because we would be back by  the time I finish my tablets. but on the second day of the trip I started  spotting, I panicked, and still  took the remaining tablets spoke to my friend F , she told me to take appointment for the next day I will be back from the trip, I just did that. Once I was back I met my RE’s assistant, my RE was on holiday for a month I guess. The doctor told me not to panic and told maybe due to travel and all I have started spotting early, she also told to take my tablets until when its prescribed and be back on day 2 to start FET cycle.

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I stopped my tab on 30 April and AF arrived on May 1st and on 2nd May went to meet my RE, she checked  my lining and prescribed estrogen (Progynova) as I have written here, because they want to do exactly like my ERA cycle pattern, she was also concerned that AF had arrived earlier then expected and their was more time for the ERA report to come.I was called again on day 8, but I already new that this cycleis not going to work because as  I have  written above I had started spotting from 28th April until 1st May and was continuously bleeding  from 2nd May until on 10th of May, that was my day 8 of HRT cycle.

One more Ssetback was my ERA report was being delayed for whatever reasons, and also I wanted to have my transfer by my RE not someone else, as I have said above my RE was out of country for a month , so I knew this wont work, also since I was bleeding for  a long time, my lining was growing as expected, and my ERA report had not yet come.So my RE’s assistant told we should cancel this cycle and put me on Meprate for 5 days and until 23rd May, now I am waiting for AF to arrive, so we can start my new cycle and my RE will be back on 30th May.

My ERA report came the next day after my cancelled cycle, I got a call from the clinic and told that I am early receptive means just few hour more progesterone is what the doctor told me, and she also told that nothing to worry and come on day 2 and will explain what exactly my report says, so now I am waiting for AF to arrive and get more info on ERA report which I will keep posted here. This is such a long rant I just wanted to do a quick update, dint expect that my post would be this long, excuse any grammar mistakes I have no energy to edit it.

 

 

 

 

 

W for Waiting # A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

In this infertility journey we are always waiting.The waiting game begin’s even before we start the treatments.When I started my treatment for our baby I thought, I will go to the doctor  will check what is wrong with US treat it, boom it work out soon,I knew soon means in few months, not like never ending, nothing like that happened. We need to wait for the appointment, then wait for your period/AF to arrive ,then blood work for both of us, HSG  test for me and husbands SA(semen analysis).Those clomid cycles were so annoying, waiting game  during clomid cycles was even more frustrating, we don’t know whats happening with our body.

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Most of my previous post’s written in this blog were when I was/am frustrated with this waiting game.The waiting game after my hystro-lap to get my report was like never ending, I had to wait for six weeks to know how my inside’s of the uterus was, and it was the most frustrating wait, after all the that dreaded wait when I got the report and everything looked good, I had to wait for AF to arrive before I could get start IVF, and also their was one report missing and that had to be cleared by the RE and Gynecologist, who told that if my six week report is fine then the others would be fine when I finaly felt relieved, suddenly my AF was on strike and was not ready to arrive, finally when it arrived, IVF roller-coaster ride started.

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Then after IVF injections began, now we had to wait and watch how my follicles were growing, and each scan was like a test, then once when it grew and after egg retrieval, we need to know how many occytes/egg’s are mature, for fertilization, after fertilization we need to wait again,like how many will grow to day 3, then after day three we need to wait for day 5, uff its never ending din’t I say.Then in my case I had some lining issues.Every wait is like a exam, when we pass one exam, we need to go for more difficult  next level exam in this IVF roller-coaster ride.Waiting game in this infertility journey is a part and parcel which we cannot escape.Even now I am waiting for my ERA test report, sigh this is infertility life.


 

PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.


		

S for Support , Strength and Sprituality #A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

The infertility journey has helped me make some great friends they are my greatest support, my support system. Only these friends can understand my situation like no else can because we are all a part of this journey.All the friends I have made in this journey are not at the same stage of infertility treatments, some are just beginning, some are in the middle, for some they are taking treatments from few years, but we are all a part of this journey, and like I have earlier said, only those who go through this infertility journey will understand us, I have already written about the amazing support I have here.I have meet some amazing infertility warriors in the clinics, through the online support forums, and through infertility blogs.

My own strength, I would have never known  my strength if I had not  been a part of this journey. I  dint know that I was strong until my cousins and  friends told that I am very strong and the way I have been handling these infertility issues and things related to it, only then did I know how strong I am, but we don’t have choice,being strong is the only choice we have.

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Spirituality was and is  a part of my life. This journey has made me more spiritual. Their are times when failures happens but then, I blame GOD for that moment and then just move on. I don’t broad over why God did this  to me and all, I was feeling very low before starting my IVF, then later realized  no use of boarding over things we have no control over, we just  need to move on, have hope and believe in the universe.

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PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

K for karyotype #A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

I was thinking what should I write for K, there are simple terms , its all about my feelings like my last and few other posts. I was wondering what will I write for K, then my friend F about whom I have written here, here and much more times. I was talking to my friend yesterday, she had gone for her check up after her miscarriage/abortion after her first transfer, she had to do a series of tests to rule out problems before her next transfer.

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My friend’s RE suggested many types of test as I said above, but one test called Karyotype/karyotyping  was suggested for both her and her husband,I wanted to know about it. I thought I should write about Karyotype test  here, this post might help people who gone through miscarriage/abort the baby due to no proper growth of the baby,or no on time growth of the baby, or no heartbeat on the give time frame,that’s what my friend did, took some pills and miscarry the baby and it was devastating for all of us.

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Karyotype test is for both her and her husband, the report will be known after three weeks, and that waiting period is a mental torture . Karyotype is one of the expensive tests to know about the chromosomal problems, but that’s not the end of the tests. If my friends tests comes normal, she is good to go for the next transfer, if not then she has to do PGS test on the embryos,more about PGS test in my future posts, din’t I say infertility sucks, will update about the test result after my friend gets the result and how her RE interpreted it.


PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

E for Expectations # A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

We infertility warriors have loads of expectations with the treatment, obviously we have all the right to have expectations isn’t it,because with all the promises , guarantees and the money we invest, yes I call it investment.The infertility treatments are emotionally, physically and financially draining, but we go thought it because we genuinely  expect what is promised, that too the most wanted .When we start our infertility journey we think finally we will be getting answers, for why the hell we are not able to conceive.We will get few answers few even the doctor will not be able to tell, even the modern science does not have answers for certain things.

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When we started the treatment, I can specifically talk about IVF journey cause I am going through it right now, there different types of protocols and treatment depending upon each person and their issues regarding infertility.

So coming back to the topic when I told that I can have my own baby with IVF procedure I was on cloud nine, I was expecting this from my doctor, because I dint want any other procedure, which does not have that much success rate compared to IVF, IVF too has just 40 to 70 percent depending on each person, but better success rate then other procedures, so obviously we will have the exceptions, but these exception can give u a big jolt when things don’t turn out the way you want it to be or the way it was promised,

My friend who had IVF procedure almost same time as me, she got pregnant in  first transfer (FET)itself but had to miscarry because the fetus was not developing and no heartbeat,one more friend her embryos dint survive at until day 5 , she has to to 2nd round of IVF go through all the drill all over again, many more sad stories about people who i know who go through infertility, and about me my embryos are frozen, my endometrial lining is not growing according to my RE’s satisfaction, so from January my embryo transfer is being  postponed, she has some plan this month hopefully it will work for me,  all my expectations are gone in the drain, but we are normal humans, we cant stop having exceptions again an again and be disappointed, this is infertility life.

The State of my Mind

DISCLAIMER

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I am in a phase of life where the my state of my mind is all confused, angry, sad, happy to an extent too, all mish-mash like this post. I just want to take it out of my system. I wanted to write this post form past few weeks but something or the other would come up and could not write, before you start reading this post I want to warn you because this is a long rant so if your already in a low mood or nothing is going right in your life right  now just ignore and don’t read this post.

When I started IVF treatment I was very positive and all, before starting it was a very different story ,those who been reading my blog would know it. Once all was fine and my injections started I was in a very positive frame of my mind, but obviously was worried if my follicles were growing fine, how many eggs were retrieved ,how many were mature, how many made it to embryo stage , then to day 3 to day 5 to blastocyst  uff, it was never ending but I was some what confident  and things were looking good.

Then came came the major downfall, my lining saga until now it is never ending, all my positivity has gone to the drain, when I started my treatment in this clinic (I want to reveal my clinics name will do it soon, it might help people in Bangalore who want to know  or read the reviews before proceeding their, the clinic has several branches throughout India and has good success rate I have heard lets see how it for me and my friend F.), ok coming back to the original topic when I started the treatment in the clinic, after the my first appointment with the RE I met the counselor.Later when it was confirmed that I would start my first IVF there, I met the counselor after my consultation with RE, she spoke to me very nicely and I felt nice and felt good that I chose this clinic for IVF.I never checked online about the clinic or did nothing about knowing the clinic because it was referred by my Gynecologist, I just went there that’s it.

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Why I am writing about this here is because after that one counselling  session, there was nothing do with the counselor, she would ask me or my friend how we were or whats going on once in a while when we would be waiting in the clinic to meet the RE,  that’s it nothing much. When nothing is progressing with the IVF because of my lining issues and my friend F’s loss which I mentioned here.

Luckily for me and my friend we had  each other, and for me this blog friends support and few more from infertility forum whom I could vent out and get beautiful response, so I am ok, but sometimes I feel its better to meet a professional counselor, here in India counseling is looked down upon but I am in search of a good counselor lets see how it works.

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Why I am writing all this you must be wondering, I am a very strong person, even now I am fine, doing everything I enjoy, doing what I want or I would not even blogged this and  try to take it out of my system, after my lining issues, my friend’s loss, one of my friends 2nd transfer failure , one more friends treatment is not going as expected, another friend dint get any embryos to transfer,failures everywhere, I sometime wonder if this IVF is ever going to work, I am not a pessimistic person, but all these failures are making me feeling low and losing hope. I am wondering is this thing called IVF is ever going to work, I also know many people who have had success with IVF and my own first cousin had her first baby via IVF, but sudden failures from all quarters has made me think like this, I know this phase too will be over,maybe my hormones are on work I was on BCP (birth control pills for down regg) until yesterday, so now I wait for the grand AF to arrive, and go for a baseline scan on day 2 ,to start prepping for the ERA test, and I am done with the rant.

If you have read until here, thank you and also from April I am a part of A to Z challenge check here, so you will see me writing more posts,and my ERA teat  prepping  update.

Blog Anniversary and much more

DISCLAIMER

I have been MIA from almost three weeks, last year when I started this blog in March I just wrote the first post and vanished until July end. I think in march something happens to me and I don’t write much or nothing atall and yes It’s been a year since I started this blog, I started this blog on March 7th 2017, I wanted to write a post on my blog anniversary day but I have been caught with the twists and turns of life.

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The new plan was working to an extent,my follicles were growing fine, two dominant follicle’s were their but my RE was not satisfied with my lining and she does not want to risk my embryos. Anyways I wanted one full month of drug free and it has happened like the way I wanted. This month from day 15 I am on BCP’s(birth control pills) until 28th March. Then next month on day 2 I need to go for baseline scan, my RE told this cycle will be medicated but with injections and ERA test will be done,then it takes 3 weeks to get the report from Spain, and they will delay my periods so that I will get my period somewhat exact timing of the reports and they can start my FET, so according to my RE, my transfer will be in May, and I am praying that it will work this time.

I had started my acupuncture sessions, and few supplements but it did not help my lining, it might help few people not me.In between I took a second opinion form a different branch of which ever clinic I am going with a different doc, she saw my reports told that I have good embryos and also my lining grew fine in natural cycles and clomid too, maybe progynova tabs wont work for me and some people wont respond to estrogen tabs, she told injections will work for me, my uterus is normal and all, so I am relived, so planning to go with the flow as my doc, the new doc told that same thing going with the flow.

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Then as usual like this typical generation I started googling what ERA is done for, in all the pregnancy and IVF related forums, I read its done for implantation failures, and here I have not even have done one Embryo Transfer (ET), I was confused and worried, I was thinking that she is doing this test just for doing it and nothing else. When I consulted the infertility acupuncturist told about ERA she told that the test is not only done for implantation failure but also for persistent thin lining and your doc does not want to lose the good embryos, but I was not satisfied with her answer and was also not planning to do ERA at that time so left it their.

During my last visit to the clinic it was confirmed that I will be doing ERA next month, my RE also told that I can do ERA next month or wait for one more month, but I am already tired of the waiting game and told her that I will be doing ERA next month itself and asked her all my doubts, then after ERA , will my transfer happen next month after ERA or how what if is lining is still less, she told that’s the reason we do ERA we can know the receptiveness of the lining even if it is less, also with injections we can grow and one more reason she told indirectly was that, with injections and all that the lining will grow and they do not want to miss the window, so this test and in the end she told we will do everything to make you get pregnant but in the end I can give you 70 + 10 (for ERA).

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Once I was back home, again I started googling not the IVF or pregnancy or infertility forms but what ERA is and why, written and explained by doctors and clinics,so this time I read about just ERA not how who has gone through it , when ERA is done and for what its done, its done for two reasons one for obviously implantation failure and the other is for persistent thin lining, In my case she could have tried different method before ERA, but my be its my RE’s protocol I guess and I decided to go with a flow, sometimes we just need to believe and go with the flow.

On another note in one of the post about my friend F, she had transfer in Feb 3rd it was all positive, her beta was fine, but on the 7th week scan no heart beat, so she had to abort the baby, so this IVF/infertility journey is such a frustrating journey until we have our babies in our hand we will never know. If anyone has done ERA test do tell me how it worked for you thank you for reading until here.

A NEW PLAN

DISCLAIMER

Its been more than a week, I have not updated at all, I just was going with the flow and taking things as they come. I will not say I was not feeling low, I was angry with myself and my lining. My lining during clomid  cycles and during non medicated cycle grew fine, but I am not able to understand why with the help of medicines its not growing , I was feeling bad that even this cycle did not work.In my last post I had written that I have an appointment with RE on 14th FEB day 12 or 10 not sure, so when I went for the lining check it was as usual  just 4.6 more less than the last time , I was disappointed they upped my dose and told me to come on 17th FEB, so on Saturday it just grew 5.6 or something, what a mess my body is, I felt.

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So there is a new plan now, yes you read it right, my RE  has suggested a new plan since my lining is not growing  with estrogen/progynova tablets. RE gave me a choice that I either go ahead with ERA test next cycle or try one natural cycle, before deciding about ERA test. I am still on estrogen and also meprate until Friday once I stop those I will get my period within a week then I can go for my day two scan and start natutal cycle.So I am a bit relieved I wanted to try a natural cycle before doing any other test, I am hopeful that in my natural cycle the grand lining will grow fine, but also I feel that I was on estrogen for two months so it might effect. I am happy that this time we will try natural cycle but also worried too, life is so confusing.

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I have moved on from my last canceled cycle, and I am trying to eat  healthy . I am a vegan is that effecting my lining , but I don’t think so, during clomid and non medicated cycles my lining grew fine and I was vegan even at that time, so maybe that estrogen is the culprit here. I read that for one in ten people estrogen supplements does not work, so maybe I am the one in those 10 people sigh.

I am trying to eat good food, vegetarian protein, raspberry tea, pomegranate juice , coffee I need to cut down and stop after my period or should I stop from now only I am not sure. I am walking and doing yoga too, also many of you people have suggested acupuncture so I have taken appointment with a infertility specialist acupuncturist for tomorrow and lets see how it works.

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I am doing all I can for this cycle and hoping it will work and I don’t have to do ERA test which is quite expensive too.I have been  diagnosed  with PCOS/PCOD so I don’t ovulate on my own  most of the time, so how will my doctor do this I have no idea, will she be giving me a tablet for my follicles to grow and then give me trigger shot or what I have no idea,but this is how it will work for me I think or maybe RE  has other plans lets see.I just want this cycle to work, any tips and suggestions would be great, also anybody done natural cycle who is a pcos patient and how did it work  for you and the time line,I would love to know, thank you in advance.