Reflections #A to Z Challenge

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A-to-Z Reflection [2018]

Yay!!! Finally I did it, I still cannot believe I survived the A to Z challenge, I am a lazy person, I take my own sweet time to do things, but then I did it. In the beginning it was very exciting and like all new things in life. In the beginning I used to plan, then later on I was lost, I knew what to write for each alphabet when I registered to be apart of the challenge.I should I have made a list, but with clinic visits, follow up’s and the dreaded ERA test, social commitments, travel and much more I was caught up in life’s twists, anyways no matter what like a true Sagittarius I did it.It was not easy but that’s life is-int it.

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There were days when I had no time, some days I was in no mood to write, last few days were worst I din’t know what to write, I dint get any idea’s also the last weekend we had travel plans, so the last three post’s were scheduled, I feel those last few posts were meaningless, nevertheless I finished the challenge, this is the first time I have taking up something like this from the time I have started blogging, I have been blogging from 2007,I also enjoyed it, will I do this next year? hmmm…will think about next year.

T for Teacher & Thyroid # A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

Infertility is one of my life’s biggest teacher. This infertility journey has thought me so much, if not this journey I would have never known so many things in life, sometimes, I stress here sometimes I have am thankful for this journey. I have learnt so much about myself, people, life in general and much more because of this journey.If not journey I would have not know many , many things.

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This journey has thought me how not just come to conclusion or imagine things by just seeing a persons happiness or sad moments. If I want to give advise to anyone I think a lot before I speak even if its my close family or friends, because we never know what they might be going through.. This Indian society does not have any sense of privacy which I have written here and here. We can’t stop others at-least we can.

Thyroid is also a hormone which stimulates the metabolism  of almost every tissue in the body. It is a glycoprotein hormone synthesized and secreted by thyrotrope cells in the anterior pituitary gland, which regulates the endocrine function of the thyroid .In simple terms, thyriod harmones proper function is very important before your pregnant and even after falling pregnant.


PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

J for Juggling & Jealousy # A to Z Challenge

DISCLAMER

Infertility life is all about juggling between the real me and trying to be fine me. I know that I am struggling with infertility, but that does not mean people around me also should sulk with my problems, their are days when I want to run away from everyone, even from my BH,I just want to be alone not answer questions from every tom. dick and harry.

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This Indian society is always inquisitive like the invasive infertility treatments, everyone has a problem about us not having babies, so I have to be balance my feelings,  talk as if nothing is happening in my life and I am ok. There are times I am actually ok, and it’s ok to be ok right, I don’t always have to be sad, but people around us feel bad  for us and make us feel like I we are  useless person, because we cant have a baby like normal people, it’s not their problem right, but that’s life. I need to juggle my life and emotions between the real well wishers and unwanted people.

Jealousy is a much debated topic among our infertility warriors. Jealousy makes me feel bad about myself but when people announce their pregnancy specifically my younger bro, cousins, friends and all I feel why ? God it’s so easy for them and it’s so so very difficult for me/us, for few people they want babies and they have babies, for few they want after a year or two and exactly after that predicted period boom they are pregnant and don’t even talk about accident pregnancies.

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When the infertility warriors announce their pregnancy I feel happy because it’s a victory and I feel that I too will achieve the same in some time, but it’s different when other normal people announce their pregnancy, its the green eyed monster I can’t help.The jealousy feeling is only for sometime maybe for few minutes until I digest the fact, then I am genuinely happy for them, I love my nephew and all the jealousy was gone in the wind the moment I saw him.Its all a part of infertility life.


 

PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

H for HRT #A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

HRT means hormone replacement therapy. HRT is done during women’s menopausal age by replacing estrogen and progesterone. In infertility treatments HRT is done for FET. The embryo has to stick to our uterus, for that we need a good endometrial lining,for the lining to grow we need loads of estrogen.

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I am on HRT now, I have been taking estrogen from day 2 of my period for my lining to grow and make my lining good so that my frozen embabies stick in my uterus.The lining sometimes does not grow even with estrogen.One in 10 people don’t respond to estrogen, I am the one in ten person, its not like I don’t respond at all, I do respond but a bit slowly.

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I was on HRT twice both the times my lining did not grow as expected, it did grow but very slowly, my RE was not satisfied with the growth😏, so both the cycles were cancelled😞.Now again I am on estrogen tablets let’s see how it works, if in this cycle my lining grows well,RE will do ET(Embryo Transfer) or if it’s slow again like last time she might do ERA test.I am hoping that, in this cycle my lining will grow and I can just get done with ET, so who ever is reading this please keep me in yours prayers, thank you 😊.

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PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences, I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

 

A for Awareness – A to Z Challenge Starts

DISCLAIMER

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My first post is all about Awareness, about in-FERTILITY Awareness . The reason I started this blog and now a part of this challenge is because I want people to be aware of infertility and the struggle who go through. I want people to be aware that’s all, no sympathy and unwanted advise please.

I don’t want people who have not gone through infertility understand me, I don’t expect that at all even in my dreams, because people who have not gone through this will never ever understand the feeling, hurt ,emptiness, just reading, liking , reacting to my post or just listing to my/our rant is more than enough.That too in our Indian society it’s very difficult for a couple/person going through infertility and specifically for women, who have not conceived within a year, all the question and unwanted advise, thanks to our society where privacy does not exist in their lives.

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I will be writing many things about my infertility journey ,some unknown vocabulary to the fertile people , which I have already written here ,and my IVF journey. One more thing I want to add before I sigh off, this month also happen to be where one week is dedicated for infertility awareness.

The State of my Mind

DISCLAIMER

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I am in a phase of life where the my state of my mind is all confused, angry, sad, happy to an extent too, all mish-mash like this post. I just want to take it out of my system. I wanted to write this post form past few weeks but something or the other would come up and could not write, before you start reading this post I want to warn you because this is a long rant so if your already in a low mood or nothing is going right in your life right  now just ignore and don’t read this post.

When I started IVF treatment I was very positive and all, before starting it was a very different story ,those who been reading my blog would know it. Once all was fine and my injections started I was in a very positive frame of my mind, but obviously was worried if my follicles were growing fine, how many eggs were retrieved ,how many were mature, how many made it to embryo stage , then to day 3 to day 5 to blastocyst  uff, it was never ending but I was some what confident  and things were looking good.

Then came came the major downfall, my lining saga until now it is never ending, all my positivity has gone to the drain, when I started my treatment in this clinic (I want to reveal my clinics name will do it soon, it might help people in Bangalore who want to know  or read the reviews before proceeding their, the clinic has several branches throughout India and has good success rate I have heard lets see how it for me and my friend F.), ok coming back to the original topic when I started the treatment in the clinic, after the my first appointment with the RE I met the counselor.Later when it was confirmed that I would start my first IVF there, I met the counselor after my consultation with RE, she spoke to me very nicely and I felt nice and felt good that I chose this clinic for IVF.I never checked online about the clinic or did nothing about knowing the clinic because it was referred by my Gynecologist, I just went there that’s it.

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Why I am writing about this here is because after that one counselling  session, there was nothing do with the counselor, she would ask me or my friend how we were or whats going on once in a while when we would be waiting in the clinic to meet the RE,  that’s it nothing much. When nothing is progressing with the IVF because of my lining issues and my friend F’s loss which I mentioned here.

Luckily for me and my friend we had  each other, and for me this blog friends support and few more from infertility forum whom I could vent out and get beautiful response, so I am ok, but sometimes I feel its better to meet a professional counselor, here in India counseling is looked down upon but I am in search of a good counselor lets see how it works.

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Why I am writing all this you must be wondering, I am a very strong person, even now I am fine, doing everything I enjoy, doing what I want or I would not even blogged this and  try to take it out of my system, after my lining issues, my friend’s loss, one of my friends 2nd transfer failure , one more friends treatment is not going as expected, another friend dint get any embryos to transfer,failures everywhere, I sometime wonder if this IVF is ever going to work, I am not a pessimistic person, but all these failures are making me feeling low and losing hope. I am wondering is this thing called IVF is ever going to work, I also know many people who have had success with IVF and my own first cousin had her first baby via IVF, but sudden failures from all quarters has made me think like this, I know this phase too will be over,maybe my hormones are on work I was on BCP (birth control pills for down regg) until yesterday, so now I wait for the grand AF to arrive, and go for a baseline scan on day 2 ,to start prepping for the ERA test, and I am done with the rant.

If you have read until here, thank you and also from April I am a part of A to Z challenge check here, so you will see me writing more posts,and my ERA teat  prepping  update.

IVF – Part 2

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Yes you read it right, finally our first IVF cycle started. What a never ending drama  it was even before I could start and how stressful my life life prior to out IVF cycle. Even on Saturday I was not sure if we will start, finally it started what a relief I must say. I don’t know, I am a bit calmer after all these few days of drama, and trying not to be stressed too much.

I was/have been diagnosed pcos/pcod when I was 18 or 19 years old, so cysts were always a part of me, but from last year when I started taking treatment with my gynecologist it was fine no cysts or maybe they were unnoticeable,even during my Hystro-laparoscopy noting was there,why oh why did it come now, that too, two of them.When I called RE’s clinic last Monday to tell that I have been spotting from Saturday they told me to come, for check up, that’s when she saw those two cysts, sigh!what road block,I had even before I could start.

The spotting also stopped from Monday evening, I din’t know what was happening to my body I felt my body was failing me again and again . I was trying to be calm, but I could not I was depressed, I stopped all the communications with all my support system I have. It was one of the most lowest period of my life I must say, I knew so many people who were going through IVF, everyone were, either starting or in between the cycle or egg retrieval stage and here, I was no where near it.

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I should have started on November 16th, but it was already December , and nothing was happening, I was totally lost, I had palpitations.God I cant even thing about last week. I did everything to get my period, to flow normally in natural ways like heat producing foods, exercise , yoga and meditation to keep myself calm. On Thursday I has stomach ache and slight flow in the evening, I was like I can go and meet RE next day but the bleeding stopped at night and no bleeding until Friday noon, I was going mad, then I just decided to leave it and move on , so decided to go to the parlour  for  a nice soothing  facial and pedicure so I can feel relaxed,when I was back home by 1.30 there was slight bleeding and by evening there was  proper flow.I did not book the appointment until I was sure. On Saturday there was proper flow and  I booked  the  appointment.

On Saturday when I went to the clinic ,there I met my friend F again. Whom I have mentioned in my previous post  . She had come to the clinic to know about how many embryos will be freezed, because in our clinic they don’t do fresh transfer, only FET is done. We spoke for a long time , she made me feel better and told you will start today and even she had cyst and they stated IVF for her even when it just spotted so be calm she told.Then when I went to meet RE, she told everyone in the clinic were tracking my periods sigh.

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I told about my period when it started and all, they did the TVS scan I don’t know  why this time it was very uncomfortable.Then mt RE told that there is persistent cysts so we need to do blood work again before we could start sigh, road block again, but the cyst had reduced compared to last scan. So I gave blood for  progesterone and estradiol test. They told they will call and tell whether I should come or they will prescribe BCP for a month after they get my blood work reports.

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I was waiting again, they did not call me until 4.00 PM, I called the clinic, they told me to come soon, your hormones are fine, you can start today, I just rushed to the clinic, my GOD so much drama it was, ok I have written too much here I guess, now I am off to the clinic to take day 3 cd 4 injections.Wish me luck.( Any grammatical mistakes just ignore I was in a hurry to publish and take of my system.)

INFERTILITY & …………………………MEN

DISCLAIMER 

No I am not writing/talking about male infertility diagnoses , I want to know how they feel and deal mentally / psychologically  with Infertility. How I wish I could know , how men deal with infertility. I want to know in general how men deal with it. I do not want to know when only  a man has  been diagnosed with infertility how he feels and deals with it. I want to know even if the problem is only  from the men’s side or  only  with the wife /spouse  or if both the husband and wife were diagnosed with infertility. I want to understand know how they feel and mainly how they deal with it. We women speak to our girl friends, there are online forums, of course blogging and many more outlets for women but what about the men.

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Whats in my BH’s mind, seriously I wonder whats in his mind most of the time. In our case I have more problem compared to his, like pcod/pcos, tube blocks, hormonal imbalance and what not, his SA is fine most of the time. Whenever we meet our RE she tells me in our case the  problem is main mine then BH’s , so I wonder how he feels and when people ask him when we are going to have kids, that too in our Indian society it difficult to handle such situations. for men its even more difficult.In the beginning they ask only women but after few years, even men are not spared, but more subtly then for women.

 

I asked BH how he feels with all this  monthly treatment( for me obviously)he told “I don’t know what to say”. I din’t pester him much. I know he feels bad every time I have to take tabs , go through those blood and urine work , invasive tests , surgeries whatnot. Sometimes he tells me to please stop it may effect my health and he gets angry why do we need to do so much, I just keep quite because, I know he feels for me at that moment and then realizes for what we are doing this.

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Then there are times he asks me when are we staring the IVF procedure.I wonder does he fully understand this journey, I guess I won’t know what he feels because I feel , men or my man does not want to talk much about this topic.When I carry babies in front of him or show my nephew/niece videos who were all born this year , he does not like it I don’t what I should think about this behavior of his.

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Wish he could be more understanding , more supportive not just coming to fertility clinic to give samples or for blood works, I know those are necessary but I need more support from him. I am not telling he is not supportive or always  be obsessive like me, but little more understating will be more better or maybe I am asking too much ,he is not always supportive, sometimes he just wants  it to be, let go for sometime, but I cant that , that’s why theses conflicts in me I guess, I think I should try and understand him. I don’t know what I am writing.If you have read this post until now, you’re great.

Anyways I would love know how your better half supports you and if not how you would want them to support you.

Fertility Warrior Q&A

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I have been tagged and asked by two friends, Infertility & life  and Strength through Infertility, to contribute to raising awareness of infertility & childlessness.  Which was started by Post IVF world . The idea is that bloggers answer a set of 10 questions about their own infertility experiences and then add an extra question that we think others may find useful.  In the end there should be a huge amount of information available for people to access which in turn should help raise awareness.I will also tag a few fellow bloggers and ask them to take part if they would like to.

So, here are my answers

Are you male of female?

Female

Where are you in your infertility journey?

As of now I am on a break after Hysteroscopy with laparoscopy surgery ,which was done last month and before that three  failed clomid cycles. I will be starting my first IVF maybe in November or December, I am not sure,because it depends on my AFP culture test for which I am still waiting ,which sometimes I feel was not necessary at all .

What is your infertility diagnosis if you have one?

Last month Hysteroscopy and laparoscopy surgery was done and the doctors discovered that both my tubes have been blocked. In February this year when HSG procedure was done only one tube was blocked, now after six months both tubes have been blocked I don’t know how. also long back when I was in late teens or early twenties  have been diagnosed with pcos/pcod.

A slight male factor too, BH’s sperm count is good but morphology and motility have slight issues for which he is taking tabs.Now I am  just in waiting period which is very frustrating.

How old were you when you got your diagnosis and how old are you now?

In my late teens or early twenties I am not sure I had/have been diagnosed with pcos/pcod, Tube blocks was known last month.I am 33 years old.

What do you do to keep your spirits up on the tough days?

I write, writing about my infertility journey is made my life easier, because I can vent out my feelings and feel light.I can take out the negativity out form my system when I write here. I go window shopping, the best therapy. I am very spiritual  person so I pray, meditate and just believe in God.Thanks to this infertility journey I have made some beautiful friendships, some through blogging, some via online community and some during my hospital visits. So when in doubt are low I have so many people to hear me. We travel and mostly escape to our holiday home, just me and BH. I also wish there was a support group here in India, people don’t talk much openly here about infertility, so that’s the one thing I want to do or maybe there is a support group which I don’t know, if anyone know please send me the link, thank you.

How do you feel you have been treated by medical professionals?

In 2014 I had not got period for three months, but had spotting/bleeding and bad stomach ache, so went to meet a gynecologist, the worst gynec ever I have met, the way she spoke to me I thought I was going to die soon , I din’t know what health issue I had, even now after three years I don’t know what health issue it was at that time. Later after few months when I went for second opinion the new gynec told I do not have any major problem sigh, it was the worst time of my life.

Last year in July I started going to a different gynecologist the best doctor I have ever met, thank God for that.Then my gynecologist referred me to RE in July this year.I have RE only twice, so I still need time , but in those two time I felt she was good, also there is a in house counselor so I actually felt nice speaking to her, so lets see how its goes after my next visits.

Have you been offered support of any kind?

Until now, I haven’t got any kind of support , I support myself by being strong, but as I have said in my previous reply that the in-house counselor at the clinic makes me feel its going to be ok,lets see how its going to be in future.

 

How do your issues effect you on a day to day basis?

It effects me a lot, sometimes too much, but from past few weeks  or a month.I am trying to be strong, yeah only from few weeks, but I don’t know how long I can be strong.There are days I just want to be all alone, I don’t want BH also to be with me, its just me and my loneliness sigh, what all this infertility makes us.When someone is going to announce there pregnancy, I take time to digest the fact, then congratulate them.Sometimes I get afraid to congratulate because who knows something happens after we congratulate and then they blame us. Yeah I  am paranoid of congratulating pregnant women this is because of the Indian society I feel , even thought nothing has happened like that until now, and we are more liberal compared to few older generations but I am scared that’s it. When we go for get-together’s, family pooja’s etc my cousins, family and friends pity on me I think, that I don’t have kids, but I don’t want that Pity please.Then these baby showers and naming ceremonies uff, I don’t want to go there, if we go people ask when is our turn, if we don’t go they think we are jealous sigh, life is tough, even more with infertility.

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If you could tell yourself something back when you were first diagnosed, what would it be?

Its not going to be easy, no matter what do ,you have go though all those procedures and pains, try to be strong and start your journey now(I feel I should have started to take my infertility seriously and started my treatment soon)anyways its better late then never.

 

Are you open about your infertility? If so, has this helped?  If not, is it something you think might help?

Yes we are open about our treatment only with close family and friends. In India close family means obliviously my parents, sibling, BH’s parents and sibling, but  its also means my moms siblings, dads siblings, few  of my cousins and not much on BH’s side because my MIL does not prefer talking about my treatments , that’s what I want too I am ok with my side people knowing but not BH’s.

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In a way it has helped a lot some try to understand me and don’t ask me about my treatments, but there are few go on asking about my treatments its irritating at times and at times I am ok and explain to them what’s happening in my infertility life.Then writing this blog has made my life better because I can vent out here, whenever and whatever and feel fine, also knowing I am not alone and I do have  a great support who are also in the same journey.

What advice would you give to someone about to embark on treatment?

I don’t know if I can give any advice I am still new here, hopefully I will get advice when I am going to start my IVF , but I want to tell one thing if you already know you have pcos/pcod please don’t go to a gynecologist and waste your time just go to a Reproductive endocrinologist, this is  just my suggestion it might work different ways to different people.

So that’s the end of my answers.

Now I tag the following bloggers to do the same, no pressure here only if they would like to:

The Moon and Back

Eleanor

addra – Seeking, health and fitness

Positive Thinking

Elena-My journey through life, infertility and the universe

Doggie Bags not Diaper bags

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Updates and Rants …..

After loads of emotional posts,I wanted to post about my consultations with  both the RE and my Gynecologist, but in India you just get stuck in the daily Indian dramas. Here it was one of the big festivals  In India on Thursday and Friday. It is the Ganesha Chaturthi so was busy shopping for festival and meeting doctors too.Then  later so many other things happened.

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On Friday I wanted to write, but again my  pregnant SIL (sister in law, brother’s wife) was crying in pain , she has some gal-bladder stone and it has aggravated due to hormonal changes during pregnancy, so we were very nervous, my bro took her to hospital , this is the fourth time she is admitted in hospital, she is fine now, luckily the baby is fine. She conceived exactly 2 or 3 months after the wedding , she is 9 years younger than me (she is 24 years). She has become pregnant without much effort so she is not bothered, she was asking the doctor to do cesarean and to keep the baby in incubator because she was in pain due to the gal-bladder stone, this was  when she  was just eight months (now she is 8.5 months), the doctor scolded her and told the baby will be pre-mature if we do that. She just wants the baby out that’s all not bothered about its well-being, now she is 36 weeks  so doctor has told to wait until 38 weeks.

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Here we are struggling to get pregnant and people want to just finish it off like it is some unwanted chore, they have got it easily so they don’t know the value, God why do you do this……

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OK now my reports ,got mine and BH’s blood reports and his SA result too. They even wanted to get us cleared with HIV, HBSAG, HCV, VDRL, Rubella( Rubella was only for me) etc all was clear and perfect for both of us, this is a routine check up here in India  when we first go to meet RE.

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MY REPORTS

Mine is Arcuate Uterus, this info I knew from my HSG reports itself.I read it fine , and no problem for conceiving, but I would like to know from first hand experienced person, who has arcuate uterus.

TSH – THYROID, PROLOCTIN ,AMH (EGGS) – 4.93 NG/ML , FSH all good, all other blood work reports are fine.

BH’s REPORT

SA – good count, motility and morphology is on lower side.

So both RE and gynecologist have suggested Hystro-lap/Hystroscopy after I get my period. Then later RE told we can try two  IUI’s and then later IVF cause I am in early thirties.

Has anyone done Hystro-lap, do let me know about the procedure and how it has worked for you.