Coping with first failed FET

DISCLAIMER

Its been such a long time that I wrote  something here,as always I want to write sooooo.. much and their is so much in my mind but I am not writing.I wont say I am busy and all, its just that I dint write .Ok coming back to the topic, how I am coping with my first failed FET, is the biggest question.

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its been  a very long road, I am ok at times I am not ok at times,but its been a very difficult journey,I feel alone even with all the support I have got, I wonder how people cope when they don’t even know how to vent out the feelings and don’t know that their is a big support system out their, I am glad I know and have a support system which helps me a bit, but the truth is in the end of the day we are the only one who have to suffer.

The loneliness, the fear, what if  even the next transfer does not work, why my body is betraying me, why? why? why?, these are the questions I have been asking myself after my first failed FET. I have also learned a lot about relationships, friends and how people treat me just because they got pregnant and not me in this period ,  this topic needs a separate post, because I want to write and vent out so much, because people whom I thought will be my strength ans support were the one’s who did not want to talk to me, dint I say this needs a  separate post.

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When I started  the IVF treatment I was a different person, now I am a totally a different person, so much I have learned about  people  and life in general. When my first FET was about to start I did so many things even though my FET’s were being cancelled due to lining issues . I tried meditation, pranayama , yoga, good food , walking , prayers and so much more, but this time even though I had two months before my 2nd FET and still have few more weeks before I strart my 2nd FET, I have not done anything of the above, yes maybe be 10 percent of that, which I am not happy.

I still not have not written how I am coping with failure, we traveled a bit, now again after two days we are travelling again, then my BCP’s will finish from monday, so I am also in the count-down mode,talking to people who still want to be  my friend , even after they becoming pregnant and me not, eating junk, yes seriously I am eating junk, but since I am vegan they are not that bad junk so I am ok with it.Drinking loads of my favorite back coffee , which this time I am planning to stop from day 1 of the FET. I am still in the thinking mode of starting of meditation, pranayama , yoga, prayers , good food and all,after the trip or from today I am not sure.

I wanted to write and vent out but I was not able to because my nephews 1st birthday celebration’s and  I was also helping out so you know right.I still cant believe he is one already, when I started my treatment with my Gynecologist  its was during my bro engagement, then marriage , pregnancy , baby shower, my nephews naming ceremony and now his 1st birthday. I am still in the limbo land  land I don’t even know whether  my next transfer will be success or not.

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If anyone has read this rant until the end then your great and thank you, and if anyone  of you is going through this phase just hold on the hope, also let me know how you dealt or dealing when your were/are in this situation.

The month of July 2018 – Part 2

DISCALIMER

If you have not read the first part read here… and here come’s the next read on…..

On 16th July I was excited  and nervous it was all mixed feeling, those who go through it will know it I guess. I had to be in the clinic by 10  am,but  due to whatever reasons I reached late by 10.45 am. Their was so much confusion on the way to the clinic, I was  also called by the receptionist to ask where I was. When I went to the clinic everyone was asking why late and all, I just went up stairs and  paid the money and come back to the transfer room.

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Still their was a confusion, if my transfer was under anesthesia or what,I had asked my RE sometime back that I would prefer transfer under sedation, but after my ERA test which also I had asked under sedation but I did it without the anesthesia so I was like if I  can  the painful ERA test without sedation , then I can do the transfer also without anesthesia.

I had not  discussed this with RE also after my transfer was confirmed, I also dint speak about sedation and my doctor also did  not speak anything so I was like my transfer will be done without sedation , so I had my breakfast and come to the clinic, their was so much drama and confusion why I ate breakfast and all .Then finally everything was sorted out, then I started drinking water to fill my bladder, my doctor was not satisfied with the water in my tummy , I was made to drink water on the transfer table.

At exactly 12.17 pm, my day 6, 2 Expanded blastocyst embryos were transferred.The transfer went smooth that’s what my RE told me, she  also wished me luck and told me no travel no intercourse and to come for BETA-HCG test after 12 days that was 28th July. take all the prescribed tablets without fail.I was also councelled by the in-house Councillor too.

I was overactive all the 12 days, I thought it would help for the blood flow in the uterus.I had almost all the symptoms, that was maybe because of progesterone.I had twitches mostly in the left side, I was hungry all the time from day 7 post transfer, I was tried and all, I was convinced I am pregnant on day 8 but I was scared to do a HPT(home pregnancy test).

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I Just manged to not to test until the ottd (on the test day). On 28th early morning I went to the clinic lab gave sample of my blood, and waited until 1.30 but I did not get any call, I called the clinic and waited until 2 pm, finally they called me and my RE told  sorry its negative, come and meet me next week and since we had two more embryos we will decide what we can do next, I was clam all the time when I got the news,because I know most of the first transfers don’t work, the most shocked was my BH, he was not able to believe it , but the that was the truth.

So my first transfer failed, now I am on a break for two months I am on BCP’s for two months.Their is much more to write will write soon.

The month of JULY 2018

DISCLAIMER

Its been more than a month since I have written any post, I was too involved with many things happening in my life, every time I wanted to write I thought I will write later and then I would think ok let me  make sure before I post, but that never happened, and finally today I decided to write here.This post will be written in parts because loads of things happened in between.Those who read my blog know that I have lining issues which I have written here and here and many more times. When each time my cycle gets cancelled, I have cribbed and written here, and got  so much support, but the July cycle was decided and I decided to write once everything was done.

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Finally my lining was somewhat ok according to my RE and she decided to go ahead with Embryo Transfer (ET), according to my ERA test report,(you can check about my ERA time line and ERA result.) Its a long story but I want to document, why I want to document here I will write in the last part.So let me write in bullet points.

  • On 29th June AF arrived, I was excited because I knew this was the cycle finally my em-babies will be back where they have to be.The intuition you see.
  • on 30th June day 2 and day 1 according to HRT cycle . In the baseline scan everything looked fine, RE checked my Estrogen and progesterone because their was  a follicle, and told me to start my tablets once I get my report, by evening all my hormones were fine and I was told to go ahead and start my estrogen tablets and come on day 8 for lining check.
  • On day 8 my lining was 5.8 mm but triple line so, I went back again on day 11 for lining check and everything was going fine, so my RE followed ERA pattern and started progesterone from day 11 because I need 12 hours extra of progesterone.
  • Finally ET was confirmed on 16th JUNE.

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To be continued…..

 

 

X for X Chromosomes # A To Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

The X chromosome is one of the two sex chromosomes in humans (the other is the Y chromosome). The sex chromosomes form one of the 23 pairs of human chromosomes in each cell. The X chromosome spans about 155 million DNA building blocks (base pairs) and represents approximately 5 percent of the total DNA in cells.In humans and other mammals a sex chromosome, two of which are normally present in female cells (designated XX) and only one in male cells (designated XY).

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Identifying genes on each chromosome is an active area of genetic research. Because researchers use different approaches to predict the number of genes on each chromosome, the estimated number of genes varies. The X chromosome likely contains 800 to 900 genes that provide instructions for making proteins. These proteins perform a variety of different roles in the body.

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PS:The above content is from google ,I am not getting any words or ideas for the last few alphabets so the last few post’s will be like this only.


PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

S for Support , Strength and Sprituality #A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

The infertility journey has helped me make some great friends they are my greatest support, my support system. Only these friends can understand my situation like no else can because we are all a part of this journey.All the friends I have made in this journey are not at the same stage of infertility treatments, some are just beginning, some are in the middle, for some they are taking treatments from few years, but we are all a part of this journey, and like I have earlier said, only those who go through this infertility journey will understand us, I have already written about the amazing support I have here.I have meet some amazing infertility warriors in the clinics, through the online support forums, and through infertility blogs.

My own strength, I would have never known  my strength if I had not  been a part of this journey. I  dint know that I was strong until my cousins and  friends told that I am very strong and the way I have been handling these infertility issues and things related to it, only then did I know how strong I am, but we don’t have choice,being strong is the only choice we have.

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Spirituality was and is  a part of my life. This journey has made me more spiritual. Their are times when failures happens but then, I blame GOD for that moment and then just move on. I don’t broad over why God did this  to me and all, I was feeling very low before starting my IVF, then later realized  no use of boarding over things we have no control over, we just  need to move on, have hope and believe in the universe.

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PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

N for Normal vs Not Normal #A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

In the infertility treatments, the invasive-ness is a part and parcel of infertility warriors life, it’s just normal.When I started infertility treatments I hated meeting my RE I was scared, obviously anyone will be scared because of the uncomfortable feeling every time they do a tvs scan,scans are not painful, but other tests are, because of those invasive scans and much more tests.I felt that it’s not normal at all and I dreaded my appointments with the RE.

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it’s a different story now,its takes time but you will get used to it, it’s been almost nine months since I am part of this infertility treatments with RE, before this almost 14 months I was taking treatments with the gynecologist. Now after nine months I feel it’s normal to have regular scans and when my RE does not do a scan I will wonder why she is not checking my uterus 🤦‍♀️🤔. In these infertility treatments nothing is normal or abnormal it’s all part and parcel of infertility life.


 

PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

M for Money Matters & MACS #A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

Money money money it is what you need for IVF or any infertility treatments, and these treatments are so so expensive. We cant help but pay from our pockets, and as I have written here in India their no insurance coverage for any infertility treatments.During infertility treatments, their is no guarantee that how much  ever your clinic quotes is the final amount, Its never ending until you have the baby in your hand.

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MACS test is done during IVF-ICSI. MACS test is another added expensive test., icsi is where they take the best sperm and inject in the egg for fertilization. If you opt for the MACS test, they use technology and the magnet picks the best sperm and that sperm is injected in the egg to fertilize.When this was suggested by my RE during my IVF-ICSI I was thinking again an added expense, but now its better thinking what all my friend F is going through, this treatment cant guarantee success, for that matter of fact any of the infertility treatments don’t give guarantee, it just increase the success rate.

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PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

L for Lining # A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

Uterine Lining is a inner layer of the uterus. it is the cells that line the womb, this tissue is normally shed monthly in response to the hormonal changes of the menstrual period. When a women becomes pregnant the embryo implants in the lining, the lining forms a cushion, this is what I have read and heard. I was having lining issues from January, after my ER(Egg retrieval), I was wondering why my body is doing this too me, but maybe due to loads of hormone injections tablets without a break, my body needed the darn break.I also tried acupuncture because it worked for many, but it did not work for me.

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Endometrial lining is very important for the em-babies to implant, since my lining was not growing as expected, my RE cancelled two cycles, third cycle we tried natural cycle, which did work because again my lining  was not growing as expected so that cycle was also cancelled. My RE gave a choice in the next cycle either we do ERA test or ET if my lining grows, so this cycle I am on HRT.

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The story of this cycle will be known by Monday,hopefully its embryo transfer for me,I am tired of cancelled cycles, dreams shattered every time the cycle is cancelled, before IVF I never had lining issues. I  knew lining was important,but I did not know that because of lining issue the cycles can be cancelled and I will be in this limbo land.I tried all home remedies for my lining to grow but none helped, but this cycle I was stress free, had one cup coffee a day, just let it be, my lining somewhat looks good, I am hoping the best.


 

PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

K for karyotype #A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

I was thinking what should I write for K, there are simple terms , its all about my feelings like my last and few other posts. I was wondering what will I write for K, then my friend F about whom I have written here, here and much more times. I was talking to my friend yesterday, she had gone for her check up after her miscarriage/abortion after her first transfer, she had to do a series of tests to rule out problems before her next transfer.

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My friend’s RE suggested many types of test as I said above, but one test called Karyotype/karyotyping  was suggested for both her and her husband,I wanted to know about it. I thought I should write about Karyotype test  here, this post might help people who gone through miscarriage/abort the baby due to no proper growth of the baby,or no on time growth of the baby, or no heartbeat on the give time frame,that’s what my friend did, took some pills and miscarry the baby and it was devastating for all of us.

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Karyotype test is for both her and her husband, the report will be known after three weeks, and that waiting period is a mental torture . Karyotype is one of the expensive tests to know about the chromosomal problems, but that’s not the end of the tests. If my friends tests comes normal, she is good to go for the next transfer, if not then she has to do PGS test on the embryos,more about PGS test in my future posts, din’t I say infertility sucks, will update about the test result after my friend gets the result and how her RE interpreted it.


PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

J for Juggling & Jealousy # A to Z Challenge

DISCLAMER

Infertility life is all about juggling between the real me and trying to be fine me. I know that I am struggling with infertility, but that does not mean people around me also should sulk with my problems, their are days when I want to run away from everyone, even from my BH,I just want to be alone not answer questions from every tom. dick and harry.

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This Indian society is always inquisitive like the invasive infertility treatments, everyone has a problem about us not having babies, so I have to be balance my feelings,  talk as if nothing is happening in my life and I am ok. There are times I am actually ok, and it’s ok to be ok right, I don’t always have to be sad, but people around us feel bad  for us and make us feel like I we are  useless person, because we cant have a baby like normal people, it’s not their problem right, but that’s life. I need to juggle my life and emotions between the real well wishers and unwanted people.

Jealousy is a much debated topic among our infertility warriors. Jealousy makes me feel bad about myself but when people announce their pregnancy specifically my younger bro, cousins, friends and all I feel why ? God it’s so easy for them and it’s so so very difficult for me/us, for few people they want babies and they have babies, for few they want after a year or two and exactly after that predicted period boom they are pregnant and don’t even talk about accident pregnancies.

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When the infertility warriors announce their pregnancy I feel happy because it’s a victory and I feel that I too will achieve the same in some time, but it’s different when other normal people announce their pregnancy, its the green eyed monster I can’t help.The jealousy feeling is only for sometime maybe for few minutes until I digest the fact, then I am genuinely happy for them, I love my nephew and all the jealousy was gone in the wind the moment I saw him.Its all a part of infertility life.


 

PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.