Confused Mind

DISCLAIMER

How do I even start writing about this topic I don’t know,but I want to write and take it out of my system. Infertility treatments are all about decisions and decisions, life is tough it feels or are we complicating or infertility complicates life.I sometimes feel why do I have to go through this but do I have choice. I sometimes feel that with these infertility treatments we are stuck, we are not fully moving out of it or we are going more deeper and deeper, stuck in the complicated Chakravuyha.

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I stopped my BCP’s (birth control pills ) yesterday, it was officially the last pill. I have been taking these pills after my first failed FET , RE has suggested to take a month break and come, but I told her I would like to take two months, she suggested take three months too and come back ready for the second FET, I asked her the BCP’s since I have pcos/pcod, I wont get period regularly so I wanted the timing to be perfect, they prescribe two packs of pills, so that after failed FET I would get period and start pills from day 2 of the period and then again from day 2 of the next period, so now I am done with the pills and waiting for my period to start so that I can meet the RE to start mt 2nd FET protocol also I am done with the two months of break.

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Now you might be wondering what I have to decide everything is going smooth, nope I am scared , feeling lonely , worried, and lots of what if’s, what if this cycle does not work too, or if it works how am I going to take it.Last transfer I was excited and not that much worried, but this time I feel very lonely and scared.I don’t know why, I was so ready after the failed FET, but as the days are nearing I am confused, I have been asking questions myself if I should go ahead with this or wait some more time, maybe I am scared of another failure.

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I know I feel ready and after my last cycle I have been waiting for the 2nd FET to start but now when I am almost their why this worry and confusion I don’t know, do all the people who go through infertility treatments feel this way or I am the only one feeling like this. I just want to be ready before my period starts. I don’t want to be a zombie , just going for check up’s and following up. I want to be more involved and happy, I want to be strong. I can only pray to GOD to give me the strength and go with the flow.I don’t know whether this post is making any sense , I feel better after writing these confusions and taking it out of my mind, that’s what is blog for isn’t it , Thank you.

Yet Another Year & IVF – Part 1

DISCLAIMER

……passes by and no baby, at-least I thought I will be carry my miracle during my birthday none of that has happened. Tomorrow is my birthday and nothing has happened, only thing that has happened after my birthday last year is two pregnancy announcements,three baby showers (two of them are my close cousins and one is my brothers wife), HSG test, three failed  clomid cycles (one cloimd cycle was admist my SIL’s baby shower, where I was the one running around), Hystro-laparoscopy.

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I was suggested IVF after hystro- lap, I waited for the reports which is a long story and the  the never ending drama, until I could proceed with IVF, after everything was sorted out I am still waiting for AF to arrive so that I could start IVF procedure. In one of my previous post I was cribbing that I might be on injections on my birthday, now that also has not happened. I don’t know why God is punishing me I am really emotionally drained , physically I don’t even want to talk.

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I am done taking Primolut N tab for three days , three times a day. I finished taking the last tab, last night now waiting for the period to start soon, so I can start IVF soon,  also 90 percent its going to be FET cycle , so waiting aging but I am ok for that. RE  told that I might get period within 7 to 9 days, but I read in net that some get withing 2 to 3 days so hopefully AF will arrive soon by Thursday or Friday and I can start IVF procedure.I am seriously tired of waiting.

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On another note my dads’s fine its almost more than two weeks after his surgery and he is fine, all his reports have come fine, which we got to know only yesterday  , that’s a big big relief or I would be worried and got stressed with my dads health during IVF procedure, so I think God knows what to do and when to do, so maybe I just need to believe in him.Hopefully my next post will be about AF arriving and starting with IVF :).

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Waiting and Waiting and Waiting….

DISCLAIMER

Ha!…. I am still waiting for AF to arrive, today its CD 46. I am ok, but I just need to vent out here and take it out of my system.I finally decided to met RE , actually I got a call from RE’s office to find about whats happening with me.I told them that there is no sign of AF, so they told its better to have a  word with RE and if I want an appointment with RE. I was  actually thinking of meeting RE,after Wednesday if AF does not arrive, so I met RE yesterday.

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The first thing she asked me did I do HPT-(home Pregnancy Test), I was like yes and it was obviously negative, she was oh wish it was positive, I dint react. I am already pissed of with no sign of AF and having blocked tubes, even though my gynecologist told that tubes can open and I have seen miracle  happen too, but at this point of time in my life I just want at-least my miracle happen via IVF. Then she did the infamous TVS scan. Then she was telling another doc that ” endo lining is 8mm and why still  she has not got the period” they din’t tell me anything.Then she prescribed some tabs for three days and three times a day after which AF will arrive in 8 to 9 days after I stop those tabs.

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I will start taking tabs from today, so hopefully AF will arrive sometime next week and I don’t have to keep cribbing here.This infertility journey has thought me how to be patient and you just don’t have any choice that’s all, you just need to be patient and strong. That’s infertility life for you.

The Past Few days…..

 DISCLAIMER

…….. have been  really very tough. I am mentally , physically and emotionally tired. I am emotionally tired then anything. My dad’s surgery was fine, he is doing good, he will be home in 1 or 2 days, so that’s not a problem, I feel relieved now and I don’t have to worry about my dad, but the last few days going to the hospital waiting for the surgery to be over, the reports , the running around for tabs and all has made feel physically tired too. and also no sign of AF .

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At this point of time in my life, the time days and weeks are going very slowly. The AF has no plans of coming I guess, no don’t  tell me to check if I might be pregnant, I can’t be because my tubes are blocked  . I do believe in miracles but not now my miracle might happen with IVF.I just want my period to start and start IVF procedure. This waiting game during  IVF or any infertility treatment  is very very annoying. I don’t know, everyone is moving on life having babies , doing what they want to in their career and many more. I feel stuck I don’t know. I had some cramps and stomach ache and all but no sign of AF.

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I don’t know how to put it here in writing , I am really irritated may be because I am PMSing or the the never ending wait for AF is making me feel low. I  got a call from RE’s office to know if my period has started or whenever it starts to come on day 2 , but I don’t know. Last time when I met RE she told we will wait for my period to start naturally cause later I will have to take many tablets and injections. When she called again she told the same thing , don’t want tabs as of now for inducing periods, so I am planning to wait until Tuesday and call the clinic to ask for the tabs to be prescribed for inducing the periods so that I get my periods soon and start soon.

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I think even during my birthday I will be on injections, I don’t know , If I had my period last week or something my injections and egg retrieval would have been over by then, now I don’t know how its gonna happen. I just need to breath I guess.I don’t know if this post is making any sense and if you have read it until here whoever you are you are great,one more thing anyone who have taken period inducing tablets let me know if any side effects or whatever so that I can decide on taking that or  just wait which is never ending , thank you.

Meeting a new RE

So tomorrow I will be meeting a new RE referred by my Gynecologist/doc. My doc wants me to take a second opinion on whether to get laparoscopy (lap) to be done or try something else before getting lap done. Then I have to meet my doc and tell what  the new RE has told me, so there is nothing much here but I am scared and worried what the RE might tell seeing my report, also no tabs this cycle its natural cycle so I don’t know what I am doing wasting a cycle , I feel, what’s the use of me feeling anything I don’t know what plans God has for me, I know I am thinking too much , worrying too much but I don’t know hat to do.

Everything is getting postponed, first my doc is not in town until 23rd, then the new RE postponed her appointment to tomorrow , natural cycle this month and I have irregular periods sometimes, so I think that my period might come late with all the stress, I don’t know what to do. I am trying to stay calm but its not happening, will update here after meeting RE.

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