Confused Mind

DISCLAIMER

How do I even start writing about this topic I don’t know,but I want to write and take it out of my system. Infertility treatments are all about decisions and decisions, life is tough it feels or are we complicating or infertility complicates life.I sometimes feel why do I have to go through this but do I have choice. I sometimes feel that with these infertility treatments we are stuck, we are not fully moving out of it or we are going more deeper and deeper, stuck in the complicated Chakravuyha.

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I stopped my BCP’s (birth control pills ) yesterday, it was officially the last pill. I have been taking these pills after my first failed FET , RE has suggested to take a month break and come, but I told her I would like to take two months, she suggested take three months too and come back ready for the second FET, I asked her the BCP’s since I have pcos/pcod, I wont get period regularly so I wanted the timing to be perfect, they prescribe two packs of pills, so that after failed FET I would get period and start pills from day 2 of the period and then again from day 2 of the next period, so now I am done with the pills and waiting for my period to start so that I can meet the RE to start mt 2nd FET protocol also I am done with the two months of break.

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Now you might be wondering what I have to decide everything is going smooth, nope I am scared , feeling lonely , worried, and lots of what if’s, what if this cycle does not work too, or if it works how am I going to take it.Last transfer I was excited and not that much worried, but this time I feel very lonely and scared.I don’t know why, I was so ready after the failed FET, but as the days are nearing I am confused, I have been asking questions myself if I should go ahead with this or wait some more time, maybe I am scared of another failure.

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I know I feel ready and after my last cycle I have been waiting for the 2nd FET to start but now when I am almost their why this worry and confusion I don’t know, do all the people who go through infertility treatments feel this way or I am the only one feeling like this. I just want to be ready before my period starts. I don’t want to be a zombie , just going for check up’s and following up. I want to be more involved and happy, I want to be strong. I can only pray to GOD to give me the strength and go with the flow.I don’t know whether this post is making any sense , I feel better after writing these confusions and taking it out of my mind, that’s what is blog for isn’t it , Thank you.

Coping with first failed FET

DISCLAIMER

Its been such a long time that I wrote  something here,as always I want to write sooooo.. much and their is so much in my mind but I am not writing.I wont say I am busy and all, its just that I dint write .Ok coming back to the topic, how I am coping with my first failed FET, is the biggest question.

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its been  a very long road, I am ok at times I am not ok at times,but its been a very difficult journey,I feel alone even with all the support I have got, I wonder how people cope when they don’t even know how to vent out the feelings and don’t know that their is a big support system out their, I am glad I know and have a support system which helps me a bit, but the truth is in the end of the day we are the only one who have to suffer.

The loneliness, the fear, what if  even the next transfer does not work, why my body is betraying me, why? why? why?, these are the questions I have been asking myself after my first failed FET. I have also learned a lot about relationships, friends and how people treat me just because they got pregnant and not me in this period ,  this topic needs a separate post, because I want to write and vent out so much, because people whom I thought will be my strength ans support were the one’s who did not want to talk to me, dint I say this needs a  separate post.

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When I started  the IVF treatment I was a different person, now I am a totally a different person, so much I have learned about  people  and life in general. When my first FET was about to start I did so many things even though my FET’s were being cancelled due to lining issues . I tried meditation, pranayama , yoga, good food , walking , prayers and so much more, but this time even though I had two months before my 2nd FET and still have few more weeks before I strart my 2nd FET, I have not done anything of the above, yes maybe be 10 percent of that, which I am not happy.

I still not have not written how I am coping with failure, we traveled a bit, now again after two days we are travelling again, then my BCP’s will finish from monday, so I am also in the count-down mode,talking to people who still want to be  my friend , even after they becoming pregnant and me not, eating junk, yes seriously I am eating junk, but since I am vegan they are not that bad junk so I am ok with it.Drinking loads of my favorite back coffee , which this time I am planning to stop from day 1 of the FET. I am still in the thinking mode of starting of meditation, pranayama , yoga, prayers , good food and all,after the trip or from today I am not sure.

I wanted to write and vent out but I was not able to because my nephews 1st birthday celebration’s and  I was also helping out so you know right.I still cant believe he is one already, when I started my treatment with my Gynecologist  its was during my bro engagement, then marriage , pregnancy , baby shower, my nephews naming ceremony and now his 1st birthday. I am still in the limbo land  land I don’t even know whether  my next transfer will be success or not.

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If anyone has read this rant until the end then your great and thank you, and if anyone  of you is going through this phase just hold on the hope, also let me know how you dealt or dealing when your were/are in this situation.

The month of JULY 2018

DISCLAIMER

Its been more than a month since I have written any post, I was too involved with many things happening in my life, every time I wanted to write I thought I will write later and then I would think ok let me  make sure before I post, but that never happened, and finally today I decided to write here.This post will be written in parts because loads of things happened in between.Those who read my blog know that I have lining issues which I have written here and here and many more times. When each time my cycle gets cancelled, I have cribbed and written here, and got  so much support, but the July cycle was decided and I decided to write once everything was done.

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Finally my lining was somewhat ok according to my RE and she decided to go ahead with Embryo Transfer (ET), according to my ERA test report,(you can check about my ERA time line and ERA result.) Its a long story but I want to document, why I want to document here I will write in the last part.So let me write in bullet points.

  • On 29th June AF arrived, I was excited because I knew this was the cycle finally my em-babies will be back where they have to be.The intuition you see.
  • on 30th June day 2 and day 1 according to HRT cycle . In the baseline scan everything looked fine, RE checked my Estrogen and progesterone because their was  a follicle, and told me to start my tablets once I get my report, by evening all my hormones were fine and I was told to go ahead and start my estrogen tablets and come on day 8 for lining check.
  • On day 8 my lining was 5.8 mm but triple line so, I went back again on day 11 for lining check and everything was going fine, so my RE followed ERA pattern and started progesterone from day 11 because I need 12 hours extra of progesterone.
  • Finally ET was confirmed on 16th JUNE.

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To be continued…..

 

 

The ERA test Timeline

DISCLAIMER

Finally I am done with the ERA test, the dreaded ERA test,which I was so nervous to undergo, but now it’s almost two weeks and one more week to go for the the reports to arrive, but I am relieved that I am done with it. When my RE suggested ERA TEST, I obviously wanted to know why it was done , for what it was done, how painful and all but no where, it was written or spoken about how exactly the ERA procedure is done with the timeline.I have also written about the ERA test here , where I written about how I felt and convinced myself that ERA might be the answer,for ERA cycle my lining did grow fine it was almost more then 7.2 mm during day 12, compared to my previous cycles, but RE wanted to go ahead with ERA.

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I did read about how it did work for some people, and it did not work for few people , and it was painful for few, it was not painful for few, that’s it not much info.I thought I will write how my RE prepared me for the ERA test, the details I am giving here are done her in India , Bangalore. I am hoping that’s how its done through out the world , maybe with slight variation with the tablets and injections.

  • CD (candler day) 1 April 4th 2018
  • CD 2 April 5th Baseline scan, Started Estrogen tablet, one in the morning one at night, twelve hours apart .HRT cycle day 1, from the day estrogen is started in the HRT cycle it is considered as day 1, that’s what my RE told.
  • Took the estrogen as said above until 6th and 7th april.
  • CD 5, HRT cycle day 4, two estrogen tablets in the morning and two at night until CD 8, HRT cycle day 7.
  • CD 9, HRT cycle day 8 follow up scan with RE. My estrogen was upped by two estrogen tablets orally and one vaginally in the morning and the same dose at night.
  • CD 13, HRT cycle day 12 follow up scan, Progesterone pessaries tablets with duphaston tablet was added along with Estrogen, but from day 12 of HRT cycle all estrogen tablets had to be taken orally, three in the morning and three at night. Progesterone was to taken vaginally morning and night, duphaston orally one in the morning and one at night.
  • CD 18, HRT cycle day 17 the ERA TEST,in the morning I had to take all the above tablets and report to the clinic, my test was at 12.30 exact, timing was very important that’s what my RE told, and this is what they will follow for my next FET cycle.The procedure was a bit painful, but I would not do it again, it was very uncomfortable.
  • Later RE prescribed Meprate 10mg for ten days and told to stop all the medications and take Meprate along with my vitamins, once I stop Meprate I would get my period and go to on day 2 for baseline scan.era_results_eg

I asked my RE about progesterone shots because this is almost like mock transfer, so they would know better, but she told if that was necessary she would recommend that to me, she was against it, she told we will work it with the progesterone vaginal pessaries, so I left it their.Along with the above tablets I was also taking Metfomin 1000 mg per day, Folic acid tablet one per day, and vitamin D tablet one per day, to be frank since this was ERA cycle, last 5 day’s I dint take the vitamin and metformin tablets, I felt It was too many tablets, but in my FET cycle I will be taking all these.

Hope this post will help people, if anyone has any doubts or want any clarification please leave it in the comments section. The ERA test was done on 21st April 2018, I will getting the reports on 12th MAY 2018. My FET cycle has already began form 3rd MAY 2018.Hoping this cycle works for me, wish me luck people.

W for Waiting # A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

In this infertility journey we are always waiting.The waiting game begin’s even before we start the treatments.When I started my treatment for our baby I thought, I will go to the doctor  will check what is wrong with US treat it, boom it work out soon,I knew soon means in few months, not like never ending, nothing like that happened. We need to wait for the appointment, then wait for your period/AF to arrive ,then blood work for both of us, HSG  test for me and husbands SA(semen analysis).Those clomid cycles were so annoying, waiting game  during clomid cycles was even more frustrating, we don’t know whats happening with our body.

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Most of my previous post’s written in this blog were when I was/am frustrated with this waiting game.The waiting game after my hystro-lap to get my report was like never ending, I had to wait for six weeks to know how my inside’s of the uterus was, and it was the most frustrating wait, after all the that dreaded wait when I got the report and everything looked good, I had to wait for AF to arrive before I could get start IVF, and also their was one report missing and that had to be cleared by the RE and Gynecologist, who told that if my six week report is fine then the others would be fine when I finaly felt relieved, suddenly my AF was on strike and was not ready to arrive, finally when it arrived, IVF roller-coaster ride started.

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Then after IVF injections began, now we had to wait and watch how my follicles were growing, and each scan was like a test, then once when it grew and after egg retrieval, we need to know how many occytes/egg’s are mature, for fertilization, after fertilization we need to wait again,like how many will grow to day 3, then after day three we need to wait for day 5, uff its never ending din’t I say.Then in my case I had some lining issues.Every wait is like a exam, when we pass one exam, we need to go for more difficult  next level exam in this IVF roller-coaster ride.Waiting game in this infertility journey is a part and parcel which we cannot escape.Even now I am waiting for my ERA test report, sigh this is infertility life.


 

PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.


		

O for Oocyte #A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

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Its all science, even I am trying to understand all  about that happening with Infertility. Oocyte an immature egg cell in humans, one oocyte matures during the menstrual cycle, becoming an an ovum, while several others partially mature and then disintegrate.In simple terms every month an egg is released, which means the women is ovulated in the mid cycle, if  the egg  is fertilized then  it becomes a baby, if not the egg disintegrates. The lining which is formed for the baby to stick in the uterus, which is mainly supported by progesterone, the progesterone level drops once the egg is not fertilized and the women gets her monthly period. 

When  an infertility warrior starts IVF treatment, the first thing the RE would want to know  is about her AMH. AMH means Anti-Mullerian Harmone, women are born with their lifetime supply of eggs. and these gradually decrease in both quality and quantilty with age. In short the level of AMH in a women’s blood is generally a good indicator of her ovarian reserve.This post is a little about what I know due to the infertility treatments,and some is the always great google search, resource.


PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

N for Normal vs Not Normal #A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

In the infertility treatments, the invasive-ness is a part and parcel of infertility warriors life, it’s just normal.When I started infertility treatments I hated meeting my RE I was scared, obviously anyone will be scared because of the uncomfortable feeling every time they do a tvs scan,scans are not painful, but other tests are, because of those invasive scans and much more tests.I felt that it’s not normal at all and I dreaded my appointments with the RE.

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it’s a different story now,its takes time but you will get used to it, it’s been almost nine months since I am part of this infertility treatments with RE, before this almost 14 months I was taking treatments with the gynecologist. Now after nine months I feel it’s normal to have regular scans and when my RE does not do a scan I will wonder why she is not checking my uterus 🤦‍♀️🤔. In these infertility treatments nothing is normal or abnormal it’s all part and parcel of infertility life.


 

PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

K for karyotype #A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

I was thinking what should I write for K, there are simple terms , its all about my feelings like my last and few other posts. I was wondering what will I write for K, then my friend F about whom I have written here, here and much more times. I was talking to my friend yesterday, she had gone for her check up after her miscarriage/abortion after her first transfer, she had to do a series of tests to rule out problems before her next transfer.

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My friend’s RE suggested many types of test as I said above, but one test called Karyotype/karyotyping  was suggested for both her and her husband,I wanted to know about it. I thought I should write about Karyotype test  here, this post might help people who gone through miscarriage/abort the baby due to no proper growth of the baby,or no on time growth of the baby, or no heartbeat on the give time frame,that’s what my friend did, took some pills and miscarry the baby and it was devastating for all of us.

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Karyotype test is for both her and her husband, the report will be known after three weeks, and that waiting period is a mental torture . Karyotype is one of the expensive tests to know about the chromosomal problems, but that’s not the end of the tests. If my friends tests comes normal, she is good to go for the next transfer, if not then she has to do PGS test on the embryos,more about PGS test in my future posts, din’t I say infertility sucks, will update about the test result after my friend gets the result and how her RE interpreted it.


PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

J for Juggling & Jealousy # A to Z Challenge

DISCLAMER

Infertility life is all about juggling between the real me and trying to be fine me. I know that I am struggling with infertility, but that does not mean people around me also should sulk with my problems, their are days when I want to run away from everyone, even from my BH,I just want to be alone not answer questions from every tom. dick and harry.

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This Indian society is always inquisitive like the invasive infertility treatments, everyone has a problem about us not having babies, so I have to be balance my feelings,  talk as if nothing is happening in my life and I am ok. There are times I am actually ok, and it’s ok to be ok right, I don’t always have to be sad, but people around us feel bad  for us and make us feel like I we are  useless person, because we cant have a baby like normal people, it’s not their problem right, but that’s life. I need to juggle my life and emotions between the real well wishers and unwanted people.

Jealousy is a much debated topic among our infertility warriors. Jealousy makes me feel bad about myself but when people announce their pregnancy specifically my younger bro, cousins, friends and all I feel why ? God it’s so easy for them and it’s so so very difficult for me/us, for few people they want babies and they have babies, for few they want after a year or two and exactly after that predicted period boom they are pregnant and don’t even talk about accident pregnancies.

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When the infertility warriors announce their pregnancy I feel happy because it’s a victory and I feel that I too will achieve the same in some time, but it’s different when other normal people announce their pregnancy, its the green eyed monster I can’t help.The jealousy feeling is only for sometime maybe for few minutes until I digest the fact, then I am genuinely happy for them, I love my nephew and all the jealousy was gone in the wind the moment I saw him.Its all a part of infertility life.


 

PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

I for Invasive & Insurance #A to Z Challenge

DISCLAMER

Infertility treatments are very very invasive I must say. When we decided we wanted babies, and nothing worked the normal way, we tried the all the non-invasive treatments like Ayurveda and Homeopathy when those were exhausted,I had no choice but to go the Allopathic way , I am was darn scared because I knew it would be very invasive. We being the google generation , we just google every darn thing. Everything I read was all about tvs-scans, HSG test , hysteroscopy and much more, the list is never ending, and every time we go for check ups, tvs scan is a must, or the RE wont know whats happening with the reproductive system.

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The above tests are just the beginning, once your a part of either IUI or IVF roller coaster ride, its even more invasive, now I am just used to those invasive scans, if my RE does not ask me to get undressed from my lower part I will be worried, and will be thinking why she is not scanning today, nah nah after speaking to me the nurse tells me to undress and dang the scan is done, its not painful but its obviously uncomfortable. Invasive in the part of infertility life.

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Insurance I wont talk much, but here in India insurance is not covered for a single infertility issue, we have to pay everything from our pocket and these treatments are very expensive. Every time my RE suggests tests I need to think how much it might costs and when should it be paid, its very draining mentally, physically and financially , dint I say you need to be a warrior to go through infertility treatments.


PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences, I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.