The Talk

DISCLAIMER

I just wanted to record the talk I had with the in-house counselor in the clinic I go here, but before I go into the main topic let me give you an update, after my last post, I thought that I will post about my transfer confirmation and all, it’s not that easy in my case you all know, if you been following  me from the beginning if not you can check here. On Monday the 8th it was day 15 for me, the plan was to have the final lining check and start progesterone for the transfer, as usual my cycle was cancelled, according to my RE, whatever my lining is they can transfer because of the ERA test. I need extra 12 hours of progesterone  and my lining was receptive according to my ERA test.

The problem this time was one, that my lining was growing but slowly as usual , but it was growing  and it was a triple line that was the main thing and I felt a bit relieved and second my RE would be out of town during my transfer time, but I said ok for another RE to do my transfer, because my lining was ok this time and I did not want to waste my time, but on Monday during the check up, new RE told she will not do transfer with 6 mm lining even though my RE’s junior doctor told about my lining issues and ERA report.

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I spoke to my RE’s junior  and said that I am ok to go ahead with transfer but she told this time my lining is growing okissh, we will cancel and next month my RE only will do the transfer and who knows next month it might grow even better, but I was not convinced, because I am scared but she told think positive and come back on day 2 of my next period , so I was ok with this plan at some point because I prefer my RE only to do my transfer, so they gave me some withdrawal tabs to be taken after few days , I might get my period in the 4th week of October then start all over again, now the waiting game starts.

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I have written so much that I have not written about the main topic, so yesterday after all the check up’s and all, the in house counselor wanted to meet me.It was nice talking to her, I felt good about myself and and she made me know that  I am doing all in my capacity to make this work, I never felt that I was doing my best.She told me few success stories and how it worked for them, she listened to me when I spoke.She also told me to be positive and my mind being positive has more effective then the medicines I totally agree to that concept, positive mind positive body.

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She also told me few tips which I really loved, which I will be incorporating in my daily life.I spoke to her for almost more than half an hour,it was the best part of the day I felt so so good about myself,she also told me to call her when I need to talk or feeling low or just to unburden, after this I suggest  please go and speak to the counselor that’s the best thing you can do yourself during this infertility journey.I felt I was unburdened and came out with a positive mind and attitude, ( lets call the counselor R)  thank you R so much for making me feel so good now I feel I can do this, thanks again.

Confused Mind

DISCLAIMER

How do I even start writing about this topic I don’t know,but I want to write and take it out of my system. Infertility treatments are all about decisions and decisions, life is tough it feels or are we complicating or infertility complicates life.I sometimes feel why do I have to go through this but do I have choice. I sometimes feel that with these infertility treatments we are stuck, we are not fully moving out of it or we are going more deeper and deeper, stuck in the complicated Chakravuyha.

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I stopped my BCP’s (birth control pills ) yesterday, it was officially the last pill. I have been taking these pills after my first failed FET , RE has suggested to take a month break and come, but I told her I would like to take two months, she suggested take three months too and come back ready for the second FET, I asked her the BCP’s since I have pcos/pcod, I wont get period regularly so I wanted the timing to be perfect, they prescribe two packs of pills, so that after failed FET I would get period and start pills from day 2 of the period and then again from day 2 of the next period, so now I am done with the pills and waiting for my period to start so that I can meet the RE to start mt 2nd FET protocol also I am done with the two months of break.

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Now you might be wondering what I have to decide everything is going smooth, nope I am scared , feeling lonely , worried, and lots of what if’s, what if this cycle does not work too, or if it works how am I going to take it.Last transfer I was excited and not that much worried, but this time I feel very lonely and scared.I don’t know why, I was so ready after the failed FET, but as the days are nearing I am confused, I have been asking questions myself if I should go ahead with this or wait some more time, maybe I am scared of another failure.

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I know I feel ready and after my last cycle I have been waiting for the 2nd FET to start but now when I am almost their why this worry and confusion I don’t know, do all the people who go through infertility treatments feel this way or I am the only one feeling like this. I just want to be ready before my period starts. I don’t want to be a zombie , just going for check up’s and following up. I want to be more involved and happy, I want to be strong. I can only pray to GOD to give me the strength and go with the flow.I don’t know whether this post is making any sense , I feel better after writing these confusions and taking it out of my mind, that’s what is blog for isn’t it , Thank you.

Regressing Lining…

DISCLAIMER

What do write? I do not even want to write anything in my blog, because their is nothing new to write, I have been writing only about the 5 to 6 FET cycle cancellations and that’s all I have been writing here, but after my last post I have seen increase in the traffic, sooo many people have checked my blog to know about my progress, thank you so much people, and that’s the reason I decided to write an update about my regressing lining and also one more reason, which has been in my mind from past few weeks, is that I have not read or come across any blogs how a not so growing good lining stories how they overcame it or what was their next plan is , I have read just one blog about lining issues thats it. I have read  a lot about lining issues in infertility forums, and people have become pregnant with thin linings and sometime it grew fine and they conceived and all. also with the help of ERA test reports , so their is a light in the end, I just need to be a patient, not just patience loads of it.

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I have no idea how I will end up in this journey.  Pathologically my lining does not have any issues, this was know by the hysteroscopy-laparoscopy procedure, even during clomid cycle after ovulation my lining as grown great, after my egg retrieval my lining was 8-mm triple line,then in my April cycle -ERA test cycle it grew above 7 ,and last cycle on day 8 it was 6.5, but why it regressed on day 11 is a question mark or on day 11 my transfer date would have fixed or I would have got an idea when my transfer would be.RE told me maybe because of too much of hormones , the estrogen which I have been taking from past 6 months and told me if I am ready to take a break of 2 months because in march I was on break with no estrogen at all and in April my lining grew fine.

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I want to tell everyone in this journey, what ever your issues are, and whatever that is preventing you  from achieving the most wanted pregnancy, just breath and believe , I know its not easy, but do we have choice, we do everything we can to become pregnant and mommies, but we need to be strong  and stay strong and do what we have to do next, we just cant crib and cry, you are not alone, be strong and inspire others.Thank you everyone who sincerely wanted to know how I was doing and what my next plans are. What my next plan is? I will write about  it soon, until then you take care people.

 

 

 

 

ERA Result & Updates

DISCLAIMER

I feel just lost, their is so much to do but I am not able to, I feel like life is just a drag, because of the cycle cancellations and all, and as I mentioned in my last post RE was out of town or something, also my ERA report was delayed, so my last cycle was cancelled.I am ok now, do I have any choice other then being ok.

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Once again started my HRT cycle from 29th May, do I have hope? I do not know, at least not now, I am just living like a zombie. Last night I had a dream where my RE is checking my lining and it was only 1.8 mm😣😥 I just woke up in the middle of the night, I am thinking too much I think, tomorrow is my 8th day of HRT cycle, you can read about how HRT cycle works here. I will be going for my lining check tomorrow hoping my lining would have grown ok if not great

I am doing everything in my capacity to make this cycle work, I am eating home cooked food ,walking, pranyama, meditation and planning to add yoga too . I love my black coffee I am slowly reducing taking coffee, and will stop complete after my progesterone is started.I am praying , in the end that’s all I can do,  I am doing everything in my capacity and leavening rest to God.

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My ERA test result, the good news is my lining is receptive but, but I need extra 12 hours of progesterone, so that’s a relief and in this cycle if my lining ok they know the receptive window so RE will work around it I think. My RE had told me that whenever my transfer happens she will just transfer according to my ERA timeline. I am having loads of hopes this cycle, hopefully my body wont let me down this time, until then I just have to hold on to hope just hope.

S for Support , Strength and Sprituality #A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

The infertility journey has helped me make some great friends they are my greatest support, my support system. Only these friends can understand my situation like no else can because we are all a part of this journey.All the friends I have made in this journey are not at the same stage of infertility treatments, some are just beginning, some are in the middle, for some they are taking treatments from few years, but we are all a part of this journey, and like I have earlier said, only those who go through this infertility journey will understand us, I have already written about the amazing support I have here.I have meet some amazing infertility warriors in the clinics, through the online support forums, and through infertility blogs.

My own strength, I would have never known  my strength if I had not  been a part of this journey. I  dint know that I was strong until my cousins and  friends told that I am very strong and the way I have been handling these infertility issues and things related to it, only then did I know how strong I am, but we don’t have choice,being strong is the only choice we have.

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Spirituality was and is  a part of my life. This journey has made me more spiritual. Their are times when failures happens but then, I blame GOD for that moment and then just move on. I don’t broad over why God did this  to me and all, I was feeling very low before starting my IVF, then later realized  no use of boarding over things we have no control over, we just  need to move on, have hope and believe in the universe.

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PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

Q for Questions # A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

Asking Questions is very important during infertility treatments, because we pay so much, to get our bodies go through to get our baby, its our right to know whats happening with us. Ask and ask and ask as much as question you can and ask until you satisfied with the RE’s answer.When I started my treatments, I was intimated by the RE, so I hardly asked any questions, I would just listen to whatever my RE would say  and go with a flow, even though I used to have doubts. I know my RE would know better then me, but I am paying so much money I would also would love to know, why she was/is giving those tablets or injections, just an info in simple terms nothing elaborate.

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Now from past few months, after not agreeing to day 3 in January, I still don’t know why I did that,I have written about it here.I ask questions, see we are google generation, so ask my doubts, until its not cleared , I don’t go ahead.Sometimes my RE gets offended I feel, but I pay so much money and I need to know whats happening with me.

This Saturday I am getting the ERA test done, I am darn nervous, but its a better option before I go for the transfer next month. This month when RE started FET, they told if my lining grows well then they would go ahead with ET or ERA test would be the option before transfer, you  can read about my lining issues here and here. This cycle my lining was growing fine, according to my RE it was moderate not bad or good either, she also its ok to go for a transfer, finally a breather after so many cancelled FET cycles. So I was in a fix if I wanted to go for ET or ERA test, so I asked my RE that I need a days times, before I decide if I want to go ahead with the test or ET.RE told me I could give a call and let  her know what my decision would be.The tablets I was taking is used either for FET or ERA, because ERA test is done on the transfer day, so this cycle is almost like mock FET for me, I will get an idea how FET timeline,about ERA test I will write in detail once I am done with it.

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Those twenty four hours was a nightmare for me, I decided to go and meet her next day instead of speaking on phone.I met her and asked , what she would recommend, she told that for my lining issues, she would recommend to do the test, before transfer and increase the success rate,by 15 percent more, also she explained how its will help me and them by know if my lining is post-receptive or pre-receptive, and in my next cycle even if my lining grows slow and lesser on the day of transfer, they will know exact the implantation window which is 36 to 48 hours my RE told, RE spoke much more but that will need another post.Its ERA for me on Saturday wish me luck.


PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

 

N for Normal vs Not Normal #A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

In the infertility treatments, the invasive-ness is a part and parcel of infertility warriors life, it’s just normal.When I started infertility treatments I hated meeting my RE I was scared, obviously anyone will be scared because of the uncomfortable feeling every time they do a tvs scan,scans are not painful, but other tests are, because of those invasive scans and much more tests.I felt that it’s not normal at all and I dreaded my appointments with the RE.

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it’s a different story now,its takes time but you will get used to it, it’s been almost nine months since I am part of this infertility treatments with RE, before this almost 14 months I was taking treatments with the gynecologist. Now after nine months I feel it’s normal to have regular scans and when my RE does not do a scan I will wonder why she is not checking my uterus 🤦‍♀️🤔. In these infertility treatments nothing is normal or abnormal it’s all part and parcel of infertility life.


 

PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

L for Lining # A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

Uterine Lining is a inner layer of the uterus. it is the cells that line the womb, this tissue is normally shed monthly in response to the hormonal changes of the menstrual period. When a women becomes pregnant the embryo implants in the lining, the lining forms a cushion, this is what I have read and heard. I was having lining issues from January, after my ER(Egg retrieval), I was wondering why my body is doing this too me, but maybe due to loads of hormone injections tablets without a break, my body needed the darn break.I also tried acupuncture because it worked for many, but it did not work for me.

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Endometrial lining is very important for the em-babies to implant, since my lining was not growing as expected, my RE cancelled two cycles, third cycle we tried natural cycle, which did work because again my lining  was not growing as expected so that cycle was also cancelled. My RE gave a choice in the next cycle either we do ERA test or ET if my lining grows, so this cycle I am on HRT.

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The story of this cycle will be known by Monday,hopefully its embryo transfer for me,I am tired of cancelled cycles, dreams shattered every time the cycle is cancelled, before IVF I never had lining issues. I  knew lining was important,but I did not know that because of lining issue the cycles can be cancelled and I will be in this limbo land.I tried all home remedies for my lining to grow but none helped, but this cycle I was stress free, had one cup coffee a day, just let it be, my lining somewhat looks good, I am hoping the best.


 

PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

J for Juggling & Jealousy # A to Z Challenge

DISCLAMER

Infertility life is all about juggling between the real me and trying to be fine me. I know that I am struggling with infertility, but that does not mean people around me also should sulk with my problems, their are days when I want to run away from everyone, even from my BH,I just want to be alone not answer questions from every tom. dick and harry.

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This Indian society is always inquisitive like the invasive infertility treatments, everyone has a problem about us not having babies, so I have to be balance my feelings,  talk as if nothing is happening in my life and I am ok. There are times I am actually ok, and it’s ok to be ok right, I don’t always have to be sad, but people around us feel bad  for us and make us feel like I we are  useless person, because we cant have a baby like normal people, it’s not their problem right, but that’s life. I need to juggle my life and emotions between the real well wishers and unwanted people.

Jealousy is a much debated topic among our infertility warriors. Jealousy makes me feel bad about myself but when people announce their pregnancy specifically my younger bro, cousins, friends and all I feel why ? God it’s so easy for them and it’s so so very difficult for me/us, for few people they want babies and they have babies, for few they want after a year or two and exactly after that predicted period boom they are pregnant and don’t even talk about accident pregnancies.

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When the infertility warriors announce their pregnancy I feel happy because it’s a victory and I feel that I too will achieve the same in some time, but it’s different when other normal people announce their pregnancy, its the green eyed monster I can’t help.The jealousy feeling is only for sometime maybe for few minutes until I digest the fact, then I am genuinely happy for them, I love my nephew and all the jealousy was gone in the wind the moment I saw him.Its all a part of infertility life.


 

PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

C for Complicated Chakravyuha #A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

Its all complicated or we complicate it because we are so involved in this journey, each step is like a test we either pass or fail, if we pass we move to a even more complicated phase/test. Infertility  is like getting inside the chakravyuha  and not knowing how to come out of it successfully,even getting inside is not easy, that’s how chakravuyha right.Conception is the challenge those who are in this infertility journey will know better. In this infertility journey their is no clarity at all, we don’t know what next and what might happen the next moment, it all luck and hope we survive on.

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Infertility journey is complicated form the day one you start your treatment,until the never ending treatment is over,whether its successful or not. Once you get in the treatment cycle we are so  obsessed or at-least I am obsessed, with what is going on with my treatment, what next, why this is not working what that is not working, why dint my Re suggest this test, why did my friend’s RE suggest that, maybe that other clinic’s RE is good/better , we compare and complicate more.

Google complicates us more, everything our RE tells us during the regular consultations,I just go and google, and question is this test necessary, is this tablet necessary , is this correct or that other one would be good. I will always say to myself that I will not google but , naa I will go back to google my best friend again.Maybe that’s the part of life, which I cant change, complicate more.