I for Invasive & Insurance #A to Z Challenge

DISCLAMER

Infertility treatments are very very invasive I must say. When we decided we wanted babies, and nothing worked the normal way, we tried the all the non-invasive treatments like Ayurveda and Homeopathy when those were exhausted,I had no choice but to go the Allopathic way , I am was darn scared because I knew it would be very invasive. We being the google generation , we just google every darn thing. Everything I read was all about tvs-scans, HSG test , hysteroscopy and much more, the list is never ending, and every time we go for check ups, tvs scan is a must, or the RE wont know whats happening with the reproductive system.

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The above tests are just the beginning, once your a part of either IUI or IVF roller coaster ride, its even more invasive, now I am just used to those invasive scans, if my RE does not ask me to get undressed from my lower part I will be worried, and will be thinking why she is not scanning today, nah nah after speaking to me the nurse tells me to undress and dang the scan is done, its not painful but its obviously uncomfortable. Invasive in the part of infertility life.

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Insurance I wont talk much, but here in India insurance is not covered for a single infertility issue, we have to pay everything from our pocket and these treatments are very expensive. Every time my RE suggests tests I need to think how much it might costs and when should it be paid, its very draining mentally, physically and financially , dint I say you need to be a warrior to go through infertility treatments.


PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences, I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

Yet Another Year & IVF – Part 1

DISCLAIMER

……passes by and no baby, at-least I thought I will be carry my miracle during my birthday none of that has happened. Tomorrow is my birthday and nothing has happened, only thing that has happened after my birthday last year is two pregnancy announcements,three baby showers (two of them are my close cousins and one is my brothers wife), HSG test, three failed  clomid cycles (one cloimd cycle was admist my SIL’s baby shower, where I was the one running around), Hystro-laparoscopy.

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I was suggested IVF after hystro- lap, I waited for the reports which is a long story and the  the never ending drama, until I could proceed with IVF, after everything was sorted out I am still waiting for AF to arrive so that I could start IVF procedure. In one of my previous post I was cribbing that I might be on injections on my birthday, now that also has not happened. I don’t know why God is punishing me I am really emotionally drained , physically I don’t even want to talk.

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I am done taking Primolut N tab for three days , three times a day. I finished taking the last tab, last night now waiting for the period to start soon, so I can start IVF soon,  also 90 percent its going to be FET cycle , so waiting aging but I am ok for that. RE  told that I might get period within 7 to 9 days, but I read in net that some get withing 2 to 3 days so hopefully AF will arrive soon by Thursday or Friday and I can start IVF procedure.I am seriously tired of waiting.

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On another note my dads’s fine its almost more than two weeks after his surgery and he is fine, all his reports have come fine, which we got to know only yesterday  , that’s a big big relief or I would be worried and got stressed with my dads health during IVF procedure, so I think God knows what to do and when to do, so maybe I just need to believe in him.Hopefully my next post will be about AF arriving and starting with IVF :).

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Fertility Warrior Q&A

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I have been tagged and asked by two friends, Infertility & life  and Strength through Infertility, to contribute to raising awareness of infertility & childlessness.  Which was started by Post IVF world . The idea is that bloggers answer a set of 10 questions about their own infertility experiences and then add an extra question that we think others may find useful.  In the end there should be a huge amount of information available for people to access which in turn should help raise awareness.I will also tag a few fellow bloggers and ask them to take part if they would like to.

So, here are my answers

Are you male of female?

Female

Where are you in your infertility journey?

As of now I am on a break after Hysteroscopy with laparoscopy surgery ,which was done last month and before that three  failed clomid cycles. I will be starting my first IVF maybe in November or December, I am not sure,because it depends on my AFP culture test for which I am still waiting ,which sometimes I feel was not necessary at all .

What is your infertility diagnosis if you have one?

Last month Hysteroscopy and laparoscopy surgery was done and the doctors discovered that both my tubes have been blocked. In February this year when HSG procedure was done only one tube was blocked, now after six months both tubes have been blocked I don’t know how. also long back when I was in late teens or early twenties  have been diagnosed with pcos/pcod.

A slight male factor too, BH’s sperm count is good but morphology and motility have slight issues for which he is taking tabs.Now I am  just in waiting period which is very frustrating.

How old were you when you got your diagnosis and how old are you now?

In my late teens or early twenties I am not sure I had/have been diagnosed with pcos/pcod, Tube blocks was known last month.I am 33 years old.

What do you do to keep your spirits up on the tough days?

I write, writing about my infertility journey is made my life easier, because I can vent out my feelings and feel light.I can take out the negativity out form my system when I write here. I go window shopping, the best therapy. I am very spiritual  person so I pray, meditate and just believe in God.Thanks to this infertility journey I have made some beautiful friendships, some through blogging, some via online community and some during my hospital visits. So when in doubt are low I have so many people to hear me. We travel and mostly escape to our holiday home, just me and BH. I also wish there was a support group here in India, people don’t talk much openly here about infertility, so that’s the one thing I want to do or maybe there is a support group which I don’t know, if anyone know please send me the link, thank you.

How do you feel you have been treated by medical professionals?

In 2014 I had not got period for three months, but had spotting/bleeding and bad stomach ache, so went to meet a gynecologist, the worst gynec ever I have met, the way she spoke to me I thought I was going to die soon , I din’t know what health issue I had, even now after three years I don’t know what health issue it was at that time. Later after few months when I went for second opinion the new gynec told I do not have any major problem sigh, it was the worst time of my life.

Last year in July I started going to a different gynecologist the best doctor I have ever met, thank God for that.Then my gynecologist referred me to RE in July this year.I have RE only twice, so I still need time , but in those two time I felt she was good, also there is a in house counselor so I actually felt nice speaking to her, so lets see how its goes after my next visits.

Have you been offered support of any kind?

Until now, I haven’t got any kind of support , I support myself by being strong, but as I have said in my previous reply that the in-house counselor at the clinic makes me feel its going to be ok,lets see how its going to be in future.

 

How do your issues effect you on a day to day basis?

It effects me a lot, sometimes too much, but from past few weeks  or a month.I am trying to be strong, yeah only from few weeks, but I don’t know how long I can be strong.There are days I just want to be all alone, I don’t want BH also to be with me, its just me and my loneliness sigh, what all this infertility makes us.When someone is going to announce there pregnancy, I take time to digest the fact, then congratulate them.Sometimes I get afraid to congratulate because who knows something happens after we congratulate and then they blame us. Yeah I  am paranoid of congratulating pregnant women this is because of the Indian society I feel , even thought nothing has happened like that until now, and we are more liberal compared to few older generations but I am scared that’s it. When we go for get-together’s, family pooja’s etc my cousins, family and friends pity on me I think, that I don’t have kids, but I don’t want that Pity please.Then these baby showers and naming ceremonies uff, I don’t want to go there, if we go people ask when is our turn, if we don’t go they think we are jealous sigh, life is tough, even more with infertility.

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If you could tell yourself something back when you were first diagnosed, what would it be?

Its not going to be easy, no matter what do ,you have go though all those procedures and pains, try to be strong and start your journey now(I feel I should have started to take my infertility seriously and started my treatment soon)anyways its better late then never.

 

Are you open about your infertility? If so, has this helped?  If not, is it something you think might help?

Yes we are open about our treatment only with close family and friends. In India close family means obliviously my parents, sibling, BH’s parents and sibling, but  its also means my moms siblings, dads siblings, few  of my cousins and not much on BH’s side because my MIL does not prefer talking about my treatments , that’s what I want too I am ok with my side people knowing but not BH’s.

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In a way it has helped a lot some try to understand me and don’t ask me about my treatments, but there are few go on asking about my treatments its irritating at times and at times I am ok and explain to them what’s happening in my infertility life.Then writing this blog has made my life better because I can vent out here, whenever and whatever and feel fine, also knowing I am not alone and I do have  a great support who are also in the same journey.

What advice would you give to someone about to embark on treatment?

I don’t know if I can give any advice I am still new here, hopefully I will get advice when I am going to start my IVF , but I want to tell one thing if you already know you have pcos/pcod please don’t go to a gynecologist and waste your time just go to a Reproductive endocrinologist, this is  just my suggestion it might work different ways to different people.

So that’s the end of my answers.

Now I tag the following bloggers to do the same, no pressure here only if they would like to:

The Moon and Back

Eleanor

addra – Seeking, health and fitness

Positive Thinking

Elena-My journey through life, infertility and the universe

Doggie Bags not Diaper bags

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What next ?

What next is the biggest question I have at this point of time in my life,even though I know  that my doctors  have told IVF is the only option I have right now. I am also preparing for IVF  mentally, Physically and financially, but this waiting game is frustrating.I wonder how people cope with this waiting game, especially when you want something the most but its delayed due to so many factors which are known and unknown to us, so it  makes the waiting more worse than anything in life.

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I met my gynecologist yesterday after a week to remove my stitches, I had to go on Saturday but could not go due to some other reasons.Removal of stitches was ok near the abdomen but near my navel it was a bit painful only for few minutes, it was done by some junior doctor. later my gynec came to meet me where I was lying down after removal of the stitch. As I had told in my last post that both my RE and gynec had discussed that if my right tube is blocked according to my Feb HSG  report and if my right tube was causing any problem for conceiving than to remove the right tube.

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My gynec decided not remove my right tube since both my tubes are fine, only its blocked that’s it, so she decided to tell my RE its not necessary to remove the tube and it wont have any bad effect during IVF.

My meeting with gynec went well, she told  me that my tubes are fine and it can open in future and she spoke to my RE when I was on operation table that its not necessary to remove the tube so I am a bit relived, so my tubes are fine and in my uterus, also I have heard that tubes  usually closes and opens depending on our diet or our Karma or our luck. One of my cousin conceive after eight years on her fourth IVF and conceived naturally next one within two years, her tubes had opened and it was miracle baby two for her.

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OK now if you read until now and wondering why I have that question on what next ?when I know it is IVF, but they have sent my some blood sample,endo lining and smear and what not I  don’t know for testing some

AFB  BACTEA Culture

AFB Smear

AFB Culture 

AFB Culture (Identification)

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Then something specimen source  and smear is sent by tissue and that result is Acid fast Bacilli NOT SEEN its written in the report so that’s fine I think.I know I should be stress free and talk to  about these to my doc but I cant wait. I think here in India they do this test to check to find out genital TB because it will be difficult to conceive or  during IVF embryo wont implant due to TB (this I read in some trying to conceive forum, written  by somebody who  had done these tests during there treatment for infertility)so if its positive they give treatment for three or six months and then when its cured they find out by endo biopsy and start IUI or IVF whatever next. So I will be meeting my gynec to get my report on AFB culture and then will meet my RE to start IVF maybe form October or November. So please pray for me all is fine and I can start with IVF soon.

 

 

Done with Hysteroscopy and Laparoscopy

I am sitting here with slightissh pain after the Hysteroscopy with Laparoscopy (hystero-lap).I am tired  and have slight pain in my tummy and shoulders.I was so scared last week until this was done, now I am relieved that its done and I am here sitting and typing about my experience.

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I went at 6 in the morning and came back at 9. pm.I was feeling ok by evening, but due to billing formalities it took long time. and by the time I was home it was darn late.I just wanted to be in bed.

They did  HSG again, hysteroscopy and laparoscopy. They basically did HSG again to check if my right tube is really blocked as I said in my previous post, they wanted to to either unblock or clip my right tube if it was creating problem for me to conceive.I still can’t understand, why last time they told that only right tube was blocked and left was fine , but now they are telling both are blocked, why dint they find out last time only, I would not have wasted my time, money and energy from last seven months.My karma I guess I have to go thought all this.

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I need to meet my gynecologist on Saturday to remove the stitches, they have made small cuts near the  navel and in my lower abdomen, that’s little painful and I get like a lighting feel kind of pain near my abdomen and on the sides of abdomen, has anybody felt like that who have undergone hysteroscopy and laparoscopy, please let me know.

I think they have sent my endometrium lining and others (whatever it is which I don’t know) for biopsy and tests, I don’t know when I will be getting results for those, so when I go to meet my doc on Saturday I know about those, hopefully everything is fine and I can go head for the next steps.IMG-20170827-WA0013

 

The most shocking result was when my doc came to meet me after I gained conscious, she told that both my tubes are blocked and IVF is the solution. My doc spoke to my mom who accompanied me and told her that she tried it very hard to unblock the tubes,but she could not do that, so it is IVF for me, I still need to digest the fact. I thought at least we will do two IUI’s but God has other plans for me I guess.Hopefully my other reports will be fine and they will be fine I guess or my doc would have told then itself if there were other problems, I am trying to be optimistic and be mentally ready to start IVF process.

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Hystero-Laparoscopy

 

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I met my doctor again on Wednesday, did some more tests Echo and X ray, last week too she had told some blood work, met anesthesiologist too,  all reports are fine, and I am told I am all good to go for the surgery. I have mixed feelings. Hystro-Lap is scheduled on Monday.

 

Hystero-Laparoscopy is done under anesthesia  so I am ok with that, but my doc told if I have any problem in my uterus they will do Laparotomy and clear it off, but I am worried and hopefully everything will be finished with  Hystero-Laparoscopy. I am really worried what if it is laparatomy. I am just very nervous, because its a big surgery is what I have heard and read.

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Update:- Today the junior gynecologist called me,she told that since my right tube is blocked according to my HSG report, they will check again during Hystro-lap, if its really blocked, they will try to rectify it, if is really bad and not helping me for conception(this I really did not understand) means they will remove my right tube, that’s what my gynecologist and RE have discussed, the junior gynecologist told me.

The junior gynecologist told me that she did not want to shock or frighten me by telling on Monday morning when I go for the surgery, so she had to tell me about my right tube.I asked her about Laparotomy she told me  not to worry, only in the rarest of rarest case Laparotomy is done and not to worry. In case if I have any problem at all then they might go for it  or else most of the time its  not needed at all, they just want my consent before they put me under anesthesia. They suggest everyone who’s goes though hystro-Lap before hand to be ready for Laparotomy, but that’s makes anyone nervous right.

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Almost all the people I know get pregnant so easily , and here I am doing so many things even before and struggling  to get pregnant. Suddenly with all these invasive methods I get really very scared and feel like stopping everything, then I feel that stopping without even trying means giving up totally, how can I leave all this when I have come this long in this journey, its very exhausting  and frustrating journey.

I am just too confused , afraid , feeling low and lonely. I just want to leave it all to God and trust him and that’s all I can do.I just pray  to God to give me the strength that’s all.   If  anybody has done Hystro-Laparoscopy / Laparotomy let me know, how it was for you and what  was the results positive or negative , whatever do let me know.

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Sometimes I wonder what is happening in my life……………

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PS; First of all I want to tell you all that my brothers wife gave birth to a healthy boy baby on Tuesday 29th august , I am very very happy for them. The baby is so very cute I cant take out my eyes from him.

A Letter to Family & Friends

I wish I could make people understand us and also they should know  how to treat us or shut the #@$* up. when a person knows that the other person is taking infertility treatment they should think before they speak . they should know what they are talking, like I have said in my previous post.

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Today I am hurt my tears are not stopping my eyes are red I want to hide from everyone I don’t want to be seen as a weak person, I don’t want to talk about how the person hurt me or the topic which hurt me, but I need justification for  what they said, it hurts .I wish everyone who has hurt me  could  read this also  few more points I would like to add.

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Just because you got pregnant  easily that does not mean your great or I am good for nothing.

Just because it happened for you one or few tries that does not mean it will never happen me, it will happen when it has to happen , every dog has its day, my day will come too.

If you cant understand me please don’t ever try to understand me. I don’t want you to understand me, but let me be. live and let live.

If you cant support me during my infertility journey, don’t support me but don’t hurt me with meaning less nonsense talks.

Then there are people who become pregnant easily, then they plan and wait for second one, then they decide and become pregnant again,  some want to plan but become pregnant by accident  or whatever and in front of us act as if it such a pain , they wanted to travel but could not due to the baby, they could not to not take a promotion, they could not. that, they could not do this uff what not . I the ask God WHY ME, WHY ME, why are you punishing me, I am dying for a baby and then you give for others who don’t want or having it just cause it happened. Its never ending rant.I a not bad the situations make me bad person.

Since you can get pregnant so easily you will never know or understand how precious our miracle babies will be for us, you can never know that, cause its our journey not yours. Your baby will be obviously precious to you, all babies are are precious in-fact, but the intense pain this journey has caused will see our babies in more different light and we know for what we have fought for.

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When people struggle to get pregnant and then conceive I feel so hopeful that we to shall conceive soon, I just feel so happy for them, but when I see people who just become pregnant in one or few tries and act like only they are pregnant  in the world and no one else can be pregnant now are in future.When I hear such stories I cringe.

I thank God sometimes (not always) for making me go through this infertility journey, because it has taught me so much  and still teaching me many things about life. people,relationships, materialist things , spirituality  , otherwise I would have never known. This journey has taught me that everyone will be with you in good times and very few will be with us when we are in a bad phase of life, but that’s life isn’t it, when we know the true meaning of life.

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If you have read until here you are great.I wanted to write about my blood work reports, BH’s reports and all but today’s one incident in the morning created by some close people is making me feel low, I know I am not like this I am strong and I can handle this, I have such a beautiful online support. I thank God for that. Will be meeting RE tomorrow and Gynecologist on Wednesday to discuss about lap,that’s it for now.

PS; If  there are any grammatical mistakes. please ignore I just wrote it in a flow.

 

 

Life Lessons Me & Updates

In this ttc infertility journey I have learned so much about life, myself, life in general, people (who are close and not so close included family and friends) . In my last post I had said that this journey has changed me a lot.It is such a tough journey that it teaches you great lessons in life , which you would not have known or learnt  if not this journey.

There are few people who have and will always and support me even at this point of time in my life , they don’t talk nonsense with me, they try to understand me and my infertility journey, they want to know about it and if they know something about infertility they tell me you know its peace between us.Then again there are other people who just hurt me with words,really don’t understand whether they want to hurt me or they just say in a flow, whatever but it hurts. In last few months one close person has hurt me knowing or unknowing I don’t know.This has made me know about people and there true characters and intentions. This journey has thought me not to BELIEVE everyone, not everyone will wish GOOD for YOU.

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I am AMAZED that how people react when your taking treatment for having a baby or when your finding difficult to conceive naturally or with treatment. They cant just believe that we are struggling for a baby or maybe we don’t want to have baby and are faking it that we are taking treatment.Why the hell will I lie, when that’s the one I am wanting, wanting my baby desperately.

People are very INSENSITIVE, they don’t even think what they are talking especially when they know that we are desperately trying to conceive, and when they have conceived in one try and we are failing doing that, but they don’t understand it, actually I don’t want to them to understand me, but at least they must know it might hurt the the other person. So give us some space. If some years back people spoke like that I would not even feel anything, but the this ttc phase had made me very sensitive.

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I have become more PHILOSOPHICAL, that’s why those quotes which I share. Those quotes resonate my feelings. This journey has thought me that sometime we just need need to let go. Just let go of some relationships, friends, things, feelings cause they are not worth of your time and energy.

I have also realized after going through this infertility journey not to ask people about kids, marriage, education, job etc.In our Indian society everyone wants to know everything from the time we are kids to until our kids gets married and they to should have kids too, its a long long story.

I feel so better after writing here, I feel so stress free, we cant speak to people who wont understand us even if we can speak to people who understand us they may feel we are going crazy or we are bad as a person, I sometimes feel we are alone in this journey and this blog is stress buster. Here who ever wants to read can read, or if they don’t want to read they can just leave or they can come back and read when then would like to read.So no one is compelled to listen to my story but for me its a great place to vent out my frustrations of this journey.

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Ok I think I have written too much emotional posts, actually as I have written in previous posts this cycle is break cycle, just trying naturally so no medicines  or anything. It feels it such long time to wait. Will meet my Gynecologist on Wednesday to speak about lap. after lap my both doctors will tell what should be done next.Then will  also meet RE next week .Got my blood work done yesterday, they took so much blood for so many things sigh, BH will get it done tomorrow, I am waiting for my blood results specifically AMH. Just pray for me. Thank you.

 

 

 

The New RE

So I finally meet the new RE, I was actually scared to meet a RE , util now I have only met a gynecologist  for all the treatments, so maybe since I don’t know how it will be with RE I fear I guess don’t know . First they postponed my meeting with RE on Monday to Wednesday. I was worried and not feeling fine on Tuesday to meet RE, I thought will postpone on next Thursday or Friday, I almost decided to move the meeting day to next week,then again decided against it, cause the more I postpone the meeting the more I will feel worried and I don’t know how to explain that feeling hope you understood what all this TTC journey, infertility journey makes us feel sigh.

I had a appointment at 11.45 am, I was there at 11.40 am , first they took all my old reports  and wanted to know who referred me there, after that they took such a long time to register.Then I was send to one room, where a lady created my ID , took all my details where I stay , what me and BH does , then she checked my weight and height, then she told me to empty the bladder and wait ugggg. I hate TVS  (Trans vaginal scan) scans.

Then I meet a junior doc, she took all my details, I told about my ttc journey , my treatments and all. She told me to wait again with empty bladder, but I was sure that the RE wont check me, cause I had just come for second opinion on laparoscopy .

Then I was called in to meet THE RE, she asked me again about my ttc journey and she was like ,why did you take such a long time to take treatment, we had our reasons I gave her some reason. She told she wants to check me to check If my eggs are good, that’s the  TVS scan I asked her if it was necessary at this point of time, she told , we women don’t produce eggs like how men can produce  semen all there life time, we are born with eggs and it decreases as we grow old, for some the egg will be less even at 25 or 30 , so it depend on each women, hesitatingly  I went for check up. Then after  check up she told my eggs are good for my age, on right ovary I had one dominant follicle and many on left , She told me to get AMH test for myself to know about my eggs via blood work too. Then she told me to do get some more blood work for me and BH and also SA for BH in there hospital only, she told they can give better result then any other lab cause they are infertility clinic. Then we better get lap done and decide whether we go for IUI or IVF directly.

So next week all the blood work and BH’s tests will be done then will be meeting her again before lap and then the next course will be decided after lap only. So lets see how it goes.

 

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Meeting a new RE

So tomorrow I will be meeting a new RE referred by my Gynecologist/doc. My doc wants me to take a second opinion on whether to get laparoscopy (lap) to be done or try something else before getting lap done. Then I have to meet my doc and tell what  the new RE has told me, so there is nothing much here but I am scared and worried what the RE might tell seeing my report, also no tabs this cycle its natural cycle so I don’t know what I am doing wasting a cycle , I feel, what’s the use of me feeling anything I don’t know what plans God has for me, I know I am thinking too much , worrying too much but I don’t know hat to do.

Everything is getting postponed, first my doc is not in town until 23rd, then the new RE postponed her appointment to tomorrow , natural cycle this month and I have irregular periods sometimes, so I think that my period might come late with all the stress, I don’t know what to do. I am trying to stay calm but its not happening, will update here after meeting RE.

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