Coping with first failed FET

DISCLAIMER

Its been such a long time that I wrote  something here,as always I want to write sooooo.. much and their is so much in my mind but I am not writing.I wont say I am busy and all, its just that I dint write .Ok coming back to the topic, how I am coping with my first failed FET, is the biggest question.

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its been  a very long road, I am ok at times I am not ok at times,but its been a very difficult journey,I feel alone even with all the support I have got, I wonder how people cope when they don’t even know how to vent out the feelings and don’t know that their is a big support system out their, I am glad I know and have a support system which helps me a bit, but the truth is in the end of the day we are the only one who have to suffer.

The loneliness, the fear, what if  even the next transfer does not work, why my body is betraying me, why? why? why?, these are the questions I have been asking myself after my first failed FET. I have also learned a lot about relationships, friends and how people treat me just because they got pregnant and not me in this period ,  this topic needs a separate post, because I want to write and vent out so much, because people whom I thought will be my strength ans support were the one’s who did not want to talk to me, dint I say this needs a  separate post.

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When I started  the IVF treatment I was a different person, now I am a totally a different person, so much I have learned about  people  and life in general. When my first FET was about to start I did so many things even though my FET’s were being cancelled due to lining issues . I tried meditation, pranayama , yoga, good food , walking , prayers and so much more, but this time even though I had two months before my 2nd FET and still have few more weeks before I strart my 2nd FET, I have not done anything of the above, yes maybe be 10 percent of that, which I am not happy.

I still not have not written how I am coping with failure, we traveled a bit, now again after two days we are travelling again, then my BCP’s will finish from monday, so I am also in the count-down mode,talking to people who still want to be  my friend , even after they becoming pregnant and me not, eating junk, yes seriously I am eating junk, but since I am vegan they are not that bad junk so I am ok with it.Drinking loads of my favorite back coffee , which this time I am planning to stop from day 1 of the FET. I am still in the thinking mode of starting of meditation, pranayama , yoga, prayers , good food and all,after the trip or from today I am not sure.

I wanted to write and vent out but I was not able to because my nephews 1st birthday celebration’s and  I was also helping out so you know right.I still cant believe he is one already, when I started my treatment with my Gynecologist  its was during my bro engagement, then marriage , pregnancy , baby shower, my nephews naming ceremony and now his 1st birthday. I am still in the limbo land  land I don’t even know whether  my next transfer will be success or not.

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If anyone has read this rant until the end then your great and thank you, and if anyone  of you is going through this phase just hold on the hope, also let me know how you dealt or dealing when your were/are in this situation.

ERA Result & Updates

DISCLAIMER

I feel just lost, their is so much to do but I am not able to, I feel like life is just a drag, because of the cycle cancellations and all, and as I mentioned in my last post RE was out of town or something, also my ERA report was delayed, so my last cycle was cancelled.I am ok now, do I have any choice other then being ok.

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Once again started my HRT cycle from 29th May, do I have hope? I do not know, at least not now, I am just living like a zombie. Last night I had a dream where my RE is checking my lining and it was only 1.8 mm😣😥 I just woke up in the middle of the night, I am thinking too much I think, tomorrow is my 8th day of HRT cycle, you can read about how HRT cycle works here. I will be going for my lining check tomorrow hoping my lining would have grown ok if not great

I am doing everything in my capacity to make this cycle work, I am eating home cooked food ,walking, pranyama, meditation and planning to add yoga too . I love my black coffee I am slowly reducing taking coffee, and will stop complete after my progesterone is started.I am praying , in the end that’s all I can do,  I am doing everything in my capacity and leavening rest to God.

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My ERA test result, the good news is my lining is receptive but, but I need extra 12 hours of progesterone, so that’s a relief and in this cycle if my lining ok they know the receptive window so RE will work around it I think. My RE had told me that whenever my transfer happens she will just transfer according to my ERA timeline. I am having loads of hopes this cycle, hopefully my body wont let me down this time, until then I just have to hold on to hope just hope.

S for Support , Strength and Sprituality #A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

The infertility journey has helped me make some great friends they are my greatest support, my support system. Only these friends can understand my situation like no else can because we are all a part of this journey.All the friends I have made in this journey are not at the same stage of infertility treatments, some are just beginning, some are in the middle, for some they are taking treatments from few years, but we are all a part of this journey, and like I have earlier said, only those who go through this infertility journey will understand us, I have already written about the amazing support I have here.I have meet some amazing infertility warriors in the clinics, through the online support forums, and through infertility blogs.

My own strength, I would have never known  my strength if I had not  been a part of this journey. I  dint know that I was strong until my cousins and  friends told that I am very strong and the way I have been handling these infertility issues and things related to it, only then did I know how strong I am, but we don’t have choice,being strong is the only choice we have.

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Spirituality was and is  a part of my life. This journey has made me more spiritual. Their are times when failures happens but then, I blame GOD for that moment and then just move on. I don’t broad over why God did this  to me and all, I was feeling very low before starting my IVF, then later realized  no use of boarding over things we have no control over, we just  need to move on, have hope and believe in the universe.

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PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

Quick Update – FET Work In Process 

DISCLAIMER

I have been a bit busy with my little nephew’s naming ceremony. My karma or what I don’t know,  every time I am on any treatment cycles it’s either  my bro and sil’s pregnancy announcement or during clomid cycle their baby shower, now it’s their baby’s naming ceremony during my FET that’s life I guess.

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Ok coming back to my appointment with RE on my day 10.RE did the TV scan/USG and told that my lining is 5.6mm triple line and she asked me did I miss any doze,I told her no, but actually I did miss on Saturday, not exactly miss I had to take 2 tabs from 13th/ CD 6 since I was travelling I I totally forgot  and as usual I took only 1 tab in the morning and 1 at night sigh.

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RE then told that I should continue the same doze until CD 15 but extra 1 tab in the morning  and 1 at night vaginally, it is so messy to take vaginally but I have no other choice you all know. On another  note I was darn sick from Monday, so I told I was sick , feeling nauseous, sleepy  and tired , RE she told that it is side effects of the tabs, she told tiredness and sleepiness is not a side effect either I have been diagnosed thyroid or I am not hydrating myself, since my thyroid is fine I should have drank loads of water.

She also told this is Hormonal replacement therapy (HRT) so you should feel like a start and all, whatever I was really sick,but, but I want to tell that two days after taking the tablet and went to meet my aunts told I was looking very good, so maybe what she told was right and I was happy with all the compliments, everyone complimented me. Yesterday I was very sick and vomited everything which I ate from morning.

In the evening I had only liquids and really felt good, so from yesterday I am drinking loads of water, decaf teas , pomegranate juice and all.So I am feeling ok as of now and tomorrow is my nephews naming ceremony so I want to be fine.Hopefully by Monday  scan, my lining will be fine and RE will let me know the exact ET date, I am typing this from my mobile app so ignore the grammatical mistakes or if something does not make sense 😁.

Injections and Injections – IVF

DISCLAIMER 

Yes, its injections and injections , that’s the part of IVF, I know and everyone who has gone through IVF will know.I am not complaining just saying. Today it is CD 8/Day 7 of injections. on day 6 of injections, RE did the second TV scan after my day 2 scan to start  IVF TV Scan/USG,I hate those TV scans, during the scan she counted my follicles it was maybe 16 or 17 of them, my endometrium lining was 6.6 mm or something.

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RE wanted to add one more injection along with the two other injections which I am already taking  , so its three injections from yesterday. Before adding the third injections RE wanted to know my E2 levels , so gave blood to know about my estrogen level so took only the two injections in the morning. In the evening by 4.00 pm they rang me and said that my levels were normal and I can take the third injection, so off I went to take the third injection, this was also in thigh, so I take three injections two on the thigh and one on the buttock.

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From day one I am taking Gonal F and Humog  until day five, then from day six Cetrotide was added. From yesterday I have slight pain because of injections, but I am fine, its not hindering my day to day activities. I am trying to be calm as much as possible.I have an appointment with RE,tomorrow one more scan and hopefully will know when is the egg retrieval and any more follicles or maybe they will increase or decrease my injection dosages.I am nervous and excited but I don’t want to have too much expectations, I just want to be neutral. Thats all for now, will update tomorrow after my meeting with RE. Any tips would be great.

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A Letter to Myself

DISCLAIMER 

I want to write a letter  for myself before I start my first IVF.Why I want to write this letter to me is so that when I start the IVF procedure, I don’t know how my state of my mind will be. How and when I  might feel  low  I don’t know or  I don’t know even when I might feel happy,  so at that time, during those roller coaster emotions times, I want to come here and read this letter during those situations.

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Dear Sprha

Firstly Sprha you are STRONG that’s the reason you have decided to go ahead with IVF. You are more strong then you think, do you remember even to take a small blood test you would close your eyes and turn away. The most dreaded HSG test you did it even though it was under anesthesia , but you just did it and many invasive tests after that, remember you are strong and you can do this too.

 

The STRENGTH you have is really great and your own cousins have told  you that they see you as a very strong person and you are there strength, its an amazing feeling even though inside your breaking, why cant this amazing process of a making a baby so easy for others and why so difficult for me, but you are your own strength. My other friend told her friends that you are the most strongest person she has ever met, so  you know you can spread so much positive vibes. The Bravo , yes your BRAVE and  not only you , who all go thought IVF are freaking very brave, so just remember that always.

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STRESS-FREE, you should be stress-free as much as possible, it’s easier said then done, but try to be stress free, but, but if you cant be stress free don’t try  too much to be stress free , because it can add more stress to your already stressed mind. Being GOOD/NICE, I have read that when your on injections/ hormones for IVF, it can make you feel cranky  like your PMS-ing but the intensity will be more, so when you act like a made  person or cranky person, just breath and read this post.

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The SYMPTOMS ,yes when you start your stimulation’s and later after the embryo transfer, don’t try to research about the symptoms, I know its not easy to not go to the google doctor, but don’t over do it, don’t rely too much on it. The RESULT, I believe in karma, so I am going to to my duty and leave it to GOD,  at this point of time you just do what your supposed to do and believe in yourself and GOD.Do your yoga, meditations and pranayama they keep your mind calm as much as possible. That’s all I can remember as of now, if at all anyone reads this and want to give any tips I would love to know.

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Good Luck 🙂

There are many people in the world that go though IVF there are really great. I really salute them. Thank you all for making my journey a bit easy by writing about your journey.Anyone who reads this who is planning to do IVF or started with their first IVF, or when your reading this you might be going through second, third, fourth or so on. Some  you might relate too, some you may never ever relate or you may either relate to all or nothing at all.I just wanted to put down my feelings before IVF.

Never Ending ….

DISCLAIMER

Until I start IVF it is never ending reports and meeting the doctors. I knew all this but it feels never ending . I met RE on Monday, seeing my  AMH and BH’s semen analysis she told we’ll do two IUI’s if that does not work we can start IVF, she told this even before seeing my other reports. I told her that both my tubes are blocked , she was like “oh I did not see that”,So its IVF for you she told, I knew that thank you.

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Then she checked my other reports and told everything is fine, but I cant find TB PCR report and discharge summary after Hystro-laparoscopy , sigh. I had to go back to the hospital where my gynecologist did hystro-lap and get both those reports, it’s never ending I must say. When I went to the hospital to take my report first they told I will get the report in  ten minutes then , later they told it will come by evening. then next day never ending did I say.

Next day I called in the morning, they told they will call back in 10 minutes but I never got call until 3 pm, I called them and scolded them. At that time they are telling that if AFP culture, smear , tissue  whatever all the reports are negative/fine means PCR also will be negative so  they don’t test that and I can take back that money, I was relieved but also  irritated with all this, and felt so many hurdles before I start IVF.

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Ok coming back to my meeting with RE, she then explained that I will be starting IVF from second day of my period. They will be doing IVF- ICSI , even though BH’s SA is good. When I asked why? they told the success rate is more in ICSI. Then she told that since my AMH is good I might have chances of OHSS, I was shocked, but was just listening, she told there are Chances of OHSS but I can’t tell it will happen , don’t worry much we will take care of you that’s what she told I think. So maybe it wont be a fresh transfer, we will do FET cycle , but fresh transfer or FET will be know depending upon how my health will be at that time. Then I asked the doctor for IVF many people start with Birth Control Pills(BCP) why she is starting for me from just day 2  , she told that in other clinics they take control of your cycle when there are too many patients, but here we concentrate on less people , so we start with second day of your periods, that’s it.

Then met the finance person, got the details, she explained well . She split the amount for what  is for what and all.The total cost of IVF , plus some MACS test for selecting best sperm for ICSI,  cost for freezing the  embryo for 4 , if there are more than four , again some more thousands of  rupees  sigh, then extra more  money if it is FET cycle . The injections can be taken by the nurse in the clinic she told, if my home is near, so mostly those injection days I  will be going to clinic daily I think so, even though the clinic is just 7 to 8 KM, but in this Bangalore traffic it will take 30 to 45 mins in non peak traffic time, so mostly the timing will be between 11 am to 12 pm noon.

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Then met the in house counselor who spoke very nicely, I felt good. She told me eat good food, not to eat out, walk as much as possible, yoga , pranayama , not to fall sick and in general spoke very nicely made me feel better, she also told I could speak to her if I want to, also there was a infertility talk next day , she told I could come if I want too. I also told about my blog and a India Infertility group me and a friend are trying to start so we can make others feel we are not alone. It was good.

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Tomorrow again I will be meeting  RE again to give the final reports and BH will be giving semen for freezing, he can give fresh semen during egg retrival too, this just for a back up and we are  paying for semen freezing obviously .This  has become a never ending post, hopefully my meeting with RE go fine and I should go next on day 2 of my period for starting IVF.I need your prayers.

 

Fertility Warrior Q&A

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I have been tagged and asked by two friends, Infertility & life  and Strength through Infertility, to contribute to raising awareness of infertility & childlessness.  Which was started by Post IVF world . The idea is that bloggers answer a set of 10 questions about their own infertility experiences and then add an extra question that we think others may find useful.  In the end there should be a huge amount of information available for people to access which in turn should help raise awareness.I will also tag a few fellow bloggers and ask them to take part if they would like to.

So, here are my answers

Are you male of female?

Female

Where are you in your infertility journey?

As of now I am on a break after Hysteroscopy with laparoscopy surgery ,which was done last month and before that three  failed clomid cycles. I will be starting my first IVF maybe in November or December, I am not sure,because it depends on my AFP culture test for which I am still waiting ,which sometimes I feel was not necessary at all .

What is your infertility diagnosis if you have one?

Last month Hysteroscopy and laparoscopy surgery was done and the doctors discovered that both my tubes have been blocked. In February this year when HSG procedure was done only one tube was blocked, now after six months both tubes have been blocked I don’t know how. also long back when I was in late teens or early twenties  have been diagnosed with pcos/pcod.

A slight male factor too, BH’s sperm count is good but morphology and motility have slight issues for which he is taking tabs.Now I am  just in waiting period which is very frustrating.

How old were you when you got your diagnosis and how old are you now?

In my late teens or early twenties I am not sure I had/have been diagnosed with pcos/pcod, Tube blocks was known last month.I am 33 years old.

What do you do to keep your spirits up on the tough days?

I write, writing about my infertility journey is made my life easier, because I can vent out my feelings and feel light.I can take out the negativity out form my system when I write here. I go window shopping, the best therapy. I am very spiritual  person so I pray, meditate and just believe in God.Thanks to this infertility journey I have made some beautiful friendships, some through blogging, some via online community and some during my hospital visits. So when in doubt are low I have so many people to hear me. We travel and mostly escape to our holiday home, just me and BH. I also wish there was a support group here in India, people don’t talk much openly here about infertility, so that’s the one thing I want to do or maybe there is a support group which I don’t know, if anyone know please send me the link, thank you.

How do you feel you have been treated by medical professionals?

In 2014 I had not got period for three months, but had spotting/bleeding and bad stomach ache, so went to meet a gynecologist, the worst gynec ever I have met, the way she spoke to me I thought I was going to die soon , I din’t know what health issue I had, even now after three years I don’t know what health issue it was at that time. Later after few months when I went for second opinion the new gynec told I do not have any major problem sigh, it was the worst time of my life.

Last year in July I started going to a different gynecologist the best doctor I have ever met, thank God for that.Then my gynecologist referred me to RE in July this year.I have RE only twice, so I still need time , but in those two time I felt she was good, also there is a in house counselor so I actually felt nice speaking to her, so lets see how its goes after my next visits.

Have you been offered support of any kind?

Until now, I haven’t got any kind of support , I support myself by being strong, but as I have said in my previous reply that the in-house counselor at the clinic makes me feel its going to be ok,lets see how its going to be in future.

 

How do your issues effect you on a day to day basis?

It effects me a lot, sometimes too much, but from past few weeks  or a month.I am trying to be strong, yeah only from few weeks, but I don’t know how long I can be strong.There are days I just want to be all alone, I don’t want BH also to be with me, its just me and my loneliness sigh, what all this infertility makes us.When someone is going to announce there pregnancy, I take time to digest the fact, then congratulate them.Sometimes I get afraid to congratulate because who knows something happens after we congratulate and then they blame us. Yeah I  am paranoid of congratulating pregnant women this is because of the Indian society I feel , even thought nothing has happened like that until now, and we are more liberal compared to few older generations but I am scared that’s it. When we go for get-together’s, family pooja’s etc my cousins, family and friends pity on me I think, that I don’t have kids, but I don’t want that Pity please.Then these baby showers and naming ceremonies uff, I don’t want to go there, if we go people ask when is our turn, if we don’t go they think we are jealous sigh, life is tough, even more with infertility.

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If you could tell yourself something back when you were first diagnosed, what would it be?

Its not going to be easy, no matter what do ,you have go though all those procedures and pains, try to be strong and start your journey now(I feel I should have started to take my infertility seriously and started my treatment soon)anyways its better late then never.

 

Are you open about your infertility? If so, has this helped?  If not, is it something you think might help?

Yes we are open about our treatment only with close family and friends. In India close family means obliviously my parents, sibling, BH’s parents and sibling, but  its also means my moms siblings, dads siblings, few  of my cousins and not much on BH’s side because my MIL does not prefer talking about my treatments , that’s what I want too I am ok with my side people knowing but not BH’s.

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In a way it has helped a lot some try to understand me and don’t ask me about my treatments, but there are few go on asking about my treatments its irritating at times and at times I am ok and explain to them what’s happening in my infertility life.Then writing this blog has made my life better because I can vent out here, whenever and whatever and feel fine, also knowing I am not alone and I do have  a great support who are also in the same journey.

What advice would you give to someone about to embark on treatment?

I don’t know if I can give any advice I am still new here, hopefully I will get advice when I am going to start my IVF , but I want to tell one thing if you already know you have pcos/pcod please don’t go to a gynecologist and waste your time just go to a Reproductive endocrinologist, this is  just my suggestion it might work different ways to different people.

So that’s the end of my answers.

Now I tag the following bloggers to do the same, no pressure here only if they would like to:

The Moon and Back

Eleanor

addra – Seeking, health and fitness

Positive Thinking

Elena-My journey through life, infertility and the universe

Doggie Bags not Diaper bags

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Spirituality and Infertility – 1

DISCLAIMER 

I always wanted to write about my spiritual  journey and how I became more spiritual with/ because of this infertility journey. As far as I remember I was always spiritual, but in between I was lost and  I was not  spiritual (but deep inside me I was spiritual, maybe I was not showing it out  or maybe I was sad) due do many things its a long story for another day.

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Then this unfortunate  journey of infertility made me more spiritual. I am glad this journey has made me more spiritual than I  was before, I don’t blame God at all for this tough journey he has given me.I believe in karma, so I have left it to God. I can only pray that’s all, the miracle he has to do, but I believe in him he will do it when my time comes, but this waiting for MY time is frustrating and  it is never ending.

I was and I am crazy when my infertility treatment started, I started doing all pooja/prayers. This time I wanted my treatment with Gods’s blessings.I feel along with my treatment prayers will make my miracle happen.In between all this my BFF (Best friend forever) sent me a link of pre-conception meditation . Do check out the link if you believe in the pre-birth commucation,

After I saw the video and also meditated listing to it there was no looking back , the world of pre-birth communication opened to me, it is such a wonderful feeling. The meditation calms you makes you feel good, at least for me I felt really nice.There is more about my spiritual and pre-birth communication journey that’s why it will be posted in many parts.

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PS: If anyone who reads this and does not believe please don’t  believe but don’t write any negative comments, thank you.