Coping with first failed FET

DISCLAIMER

Its been such a long time that I wrote  something here,as always I want to write sooooo.. much and their is so much in my mind but I am not writing.I wont say I am busy and all, its just that I dint write .Ok coming back to the topic, how I am coping with my first failed FET, is the biggest question.

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its been  a very long road, I am ok at times I am not ok at times,but its been a very difficult journey,I feel alone even with all the support I have got, I wonder how people cope when they don’t even know how to vent out the feelings and don’t know that their is a big support system out their, I am glad I know and have a support system which helps me a bit, but the truth is in the end of the day we are the only one who have to suffer.

The loneliness, the fear, what if  even the next transfer does not work, why my body is betraying me, why? why? why?, these are the questions I have been asking myself after my first failed FET. I have also learned a lot about relationships, friends and how people treat me just because they got pregnant and not me in this period ,  this topic needs a separate post, because I want to write and vent out so much, because people whom I thought will be my strength ans support were the one’s who did not want to talk to me, dint I say this needs a  separate post.

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When I started  the IVF treatment I was a different person, now I am a totally a different person, so much I have learned about  people  and life in general. When my first FET was about to start I did so many things even though my FET’s were being cancelled due to lining issues . I tried meditation, pranayama , yoga, good food , walking , prayers and so much more, but this time even though I had two months before my 2nd FET and still have few more weeks before I strart my 2nd FET, I have not done anything of the above, yes maybe be 10 percent of that, which I am not happy.

I still not have not written how I am coping with failure, we traveled a bit, now again after two days we are travelling again, then my BCP’s will finish from monday, so I am also in the count-down mode,talking to people who still want to be  my friend , even after they becoming pregnant and me not, eating junk, yes seriously I am eating junk, but since I am vegan they are not that bad junk so I am ok with it.Drinking loads of my favorite back coffee , which this time I am planning to stop from day 1 of the FET. I am still in the thinking mode of starting of meditation, pranayama , yoga, prayers , good food and all,after the trip or from today I am not sure.

I wanted to write and vent out but I was not able to because my nephews 1st birthday celebration’s and  I was also helping out so you know right.I still cant believe he is one already, when I started my treatment with my Gynecologist  its was during my bro engagement, then marriage , pregnancy , baby shower, my nephews naming ceremony and now his 1st birthday. I am still in the limbo land  land I don’t even know whether  my next transfer will be success or not.

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If anyone has read this rant until the end then your great and thank you, and if anyone  of you is going through this phase just hold on the hope, also let me know how you dealt or dealing when your were/are in this situation.

The month of July 2018 – Part 2

DISCALIMER

If you have not read the first part read here… and here come’s the next read on…..

On 16th July I was excited  and nervous it was all mixed feeling, those who go through it will know it I guess. I had to be in the clinic by 10  am,but  due to whatever reasons I reached late by 10.45 am. Their was so much confusion on the way to the clinic, I was  also called by the receptionist to ask where I was. When I went to the clinic everyone was asking why late and all, I just went up stairs and  paid the money and come back to the transfer room.

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Still their was a confusion, if my transfer was under anesthesia or what,I had asked my RE sometime back that I would prefer transfer under sedation, but after my ERA test which also I had asked under sedation but I did it without the anesthesia so I was like if I  can  the painful ERA test without sedation , then I can do the transfer also without anesthesia.

I had not  discussed this with RE also after my transfer was confirmed, I also dint speak about sedation and my doctor also did  not speak anything so I was like my transfer will be done without sedation , so I had my breakfast and come to the clinic, their was so much drama and confusion why I ate breakfast and all .Then finally everything was sorted out, then I started drinking water to fill my bladder, my doctor was not satisfied with the water in my tummy , I was made to drink water on the transfer table.

At exactly 12.17 pm, my day 6, 2 Expanded blastocyst embryos were transferred.The transfer went smooth that’s what my RE told me, she  also wished me luck and told me no travel no intercourse and to come for BETA-HCG test after 12 days that was 28th July. take all the prescribed tablets without fail.I was also councelled by the in-house Councillor too.

I was overactive all the 12 days, I thought it would help for the blood flow in the uterus.I had almost all the symptoms, that was maybe because of progesterone.I had twitches mostly in the left side, I was hungry all the time from day 7 post transfer, I was tried and all, I was convinced I am pregnant on day 8 but I was scared to do a HPT(home pregnancy test).

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I Just manged to not to test until the ottd (on the test day). On 28th early morning I went to the clinic lab gave sample of my blood, and waited until 1.30 but I did not get any call, I called the clinic and waited until 2 pm, finally they called me and my RE told  sorry its negative, come and meet me next week and since we had two more embryos we will decide what we can do next, I was clam all the time when I got the news,because I know most of the first transfers don’t work, the most shocked was my BH, he was not able to believe it , but the that was the truth.

So my first transfer failed, now I am on a break for two months I am on BCP’s for two months.Their is much more to write will write soon.

The month of JULY 2018

DISCLAIMER

Its been more than a month since I have written any post, I was too involved with many things happening in my life, every time I wanted to write I thought I will write later and then I would think ok let me  make sure before I post, but that never happened, and finally today I decided to write here.This post will be written in parts because loads of things happened in between.Those who read my blog know that I have lining issues which I have written here and here and many more times. When each time my cycle gets cancelled, I have cribbed and written here, and got  so much support, but the July cycle was decided and I decided to write once everything was done.

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Finally my lining was somewhat ok according to my RE and she decided to go ahead with Embryo Transfer (ET), according to my ERA test report,(you can check about my ERA time line and ERA result.) Its a long story but I want to document, why I want to document here I will write in the last part.So let me write in bullet points.

  • On 29th June AF arrived, I was excited because I knew this was the cycle finally my em-babies will be back where they have to be.The intuition you see.
  • on 30th June day 2 and day 1 according to HRT cycle . In the baseline scan everything looked fine, RE checked my Estrogen and progesterone because their was  a follicle, and told me to start my tablets once I get my report, by evening all my hormones were fine and I was told to go ahead and start my estrogen tablets and come on day 8 for lining check.
  • On day 8 my lining was 5.8 mm but triple line so, I went back again on day 11 for lining check and everything was going fine, so my RE followed ERA pattern and started progesterone from day 11 because I need 12 hours extra of progesterone.
  • Finally ET was confirmed on 16th JUNE.

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To be continued…..

 

 

Regressing Lining…

DISCLAIMER

What do write? I do not even want to write anything in my blog, because their is nothing new to write, I have been writing only about the 5 to 6 FET cycle cancellations and that’s all I have been writing here, but after my last post I have seen increase in the traffic, sooo many people have checked my blog to know about my progress, thank you so much people, and that’s the reason I decided to write an update about my regressing lining and also one more reason, which has been in my mind from past few weeks, is that I have not read or come across any blogs how a not so growing good lining stories how they overcame it or what was their next plan is , I have read just one blog about lining issues thats it. I have read  a lot about lining issues in infertility forums, and people have become pregnant with thin linings and sometime it grew fine and they conceived and all. also with the help of ERA test reports , so their is a light in the end, I just need to be a patient, not just patience loads of it.

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I have no idea how I will end up in this journey.  Pathologically my lining does not have any issues, this was know by the hysteroscopy-laparoscopy procedure, even during clomid cycle after ovulation my lining as grown great, after my egg retrieval my lining was 8-mm triple line,then in my April cycle -ERA test cycle it grew above 7 ,and last cycle on day 8 it was 6.5, but why it regressed on day 11 is a question mark or on day 11 my transfer date would have fixed or I would have got an idea when my transfer would be.RE told me maybe because of too much of hormones , the estrogen which I have been taking from past 6 months and told me if I am ready to take a break of 2 months because in march I was on break with no estrogen at all and in April my lining grew fine.

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I want to tell everyone in this journey, what ever your issues are, and whatever that is preventing you  from achieving the most wanted pregnancy, just breath and believe , I know its not easy, but do we have choice, we do everything we can to become pregnant and mommies, but we need to be strong  and stay strong and do what we have to do next, we just cant crib and cry, you are not alone, be strong and inspire others.Thank you everyone who sincerely wanted to know how I was doing and what my next plans are. What my next plan is? I will write about  it soon, until then you take care people.

 

 

 

 

ERA Result & Updates

DISCLAIMER

I feel just lost, their is so much to do but I am not able to, I feel like life is just a drag, because of the cycle cancellations and all, and as I mentioned in my last post RE was out of town or something, also my ERA report was delayed, so my last cycle was cancelled.I am ok now, do I have any choice other then being ok.

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Once again started my HRT cycle from 29th May, do I have hope? I do not know, at least not now, I am just living like a zombie. Last night I had a dream where my RE is checking my lining and it was only 1.8 mm😣😥 I just woke up in the middle of the night, I am thinking too much I think, tomorrow is my 8th day of HRT cycle, you can read about how HRT cycle works here. I will be going for my lining check tomorrow hoping my lining would have grown ok if not great

I am doing everything in my capacity to make this cycle work, I am eating home cooked food ,walking, pranyama, meditation and planning to add yoga too . I love my black coffee I am slowly reducing taking coffee, and will stop complete after my progesterone is started.I am praying , in the end that’s all I can do,  I am doing everything in my capacity and leavening rest to God.

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My ERA test result, the good news is my lining is receptive but, but I need extra 12 hours of progesterone, so that’s a relief and in this cycle if my lining ok they know the receptive window so RE will work around it I think. My RE had told me that whenever my transfer happens she will just transfer according to my ERA timeline. I am having loads of hopes this cycle, hopefully my body wont let me down this time, until then I just have to hold on to hope just hope.

The ERA test Timeline

DISCLAIMER

Finally I am done with the ERA test, the dreaded ERA test,which I was so nervous to undergo, but now it’s almost two weeks and one more week to go for the the reports to arrive, but I am relieved that I am done with it. When my RE suggested ERA TEST, I obviously wanted to know why it was done , for what it was done, how painful and all but no where, it was written or spoken about how exactly the ERA procedure is done with the timeline.I have also written about the ERA test here , where I written about how I felt and convinced myself that ERA might be the answer,for ERA cycle my lining did grow fine it was almost more then 7.2 mm during day 12, compared to my previous cycles, but RE wanted to go ahead with ERA.

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I did read about how it did work for some people, and it did not work for few people , and it was painful for few, it was not painful for few, that’s it not much info.I thought I will write how my RE prepared me for the ERA test, the details I am giving here are done her in India , Bangalore. I am hoping that’s how its done through out the world , maybe with slight variation with the tablets and injections.

  • CD (candler day) 1 April 4th 2018
  • CD 2 April 5th Baseline scan, Started Estrogen tablet, one in the morning one at night, twelve hours apart .HRT cycle day 1, from the day estrogen is started in the HRT cycle it is considered as day 1, that’s what my RE told.
  • Took the estrogen as said above until 6th and 7th april.
  • CD 5, HRT cycle day 4, two estrogen tablets in the morning and two at night until CD 8, HRT cycle day 7.
  • CD 9, HRT cycle day 8 follow up scan with RE. My estrogen was upped by two estrogen tablets orally and one vaginally in the morning and the same dose at night.
  • CD 13, HRT cycle day 12 follow up scan, Progesterone pessaries tablets with duphaston tablet was added along with Estrogen, but from day 12 of HRT cycle all estrogen tablets had to be taken orally, three in the morning and three at night. Progesterone was to taken vaginally morning and night, duphaston orally one in the morning and one at night.
  • CD 18, HRT cycle day 17 the ERA TEST,in the morning I had to take all the above tablets and report to the clinic, my test was at 12.30 exact, timing was very important that’s what my RE told, and this is what they will follow for my next FET cycle.The procedure was a bit painful, but I would not do it again, it was very uncomfortable.
  • Later RE prescribed Meprate 10mg for ten days and told to stop all the medications and take Meprate along with my vitamins, once I stop Meprate I would get my period and go to on day 2 for baseline scan.era_results_eg

I asked my RE about progesterone shots because this is almost like mock transfer, so they would know better, but she told if that was necessary she would recommend that to me, she was against it, she told we will work it with the progesterone vaginal pessaries, so I left it their.Along with the above tablets I was also taking Metfomin 1000 mg per day, Folic acid tablet one per day, and vitamin D tablet one per day, to be frank since this was ERA cycle, last 5 day’s I dint take the vitamin and metformin tablets, I felt It was too many tablets, but in my FET cycle I will be taking all these.

Hope this post will help people, if anyone has any doubts or want any clarification please leave it in the comments section. The ERA test was done on 21st April 2018, I will getting the reports on 12th MAY 2018. My FET cycle has already began form 3rd MAY 2018.Hoping this cycle works for me, wish me luck people.

T for Teacher & Thyroid # A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

Infertility is one of my life’s biggest teacher. This infertility journey has thought me so much, if not this journey I would have never known so many things in life, sometimes, I stress here sometimes I have am thankful for this journey. I have learnt so much about myself, people, life in general and much more because of this journey.If not journey I would have not know many , many things.

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This journey has thought me how not just come to conclusion or imagine things by just seeing a persons happiness or sad moments. If I want to give advise to anyone I think a lot before I speak even if its my close family or friends, because we never know what they might be going through.. This Indian society does not have any sense of privacy which I have written here and here. We can’t stop others at-least we can.

Thyroid is also a hormone which stimulates the metabolism  of almost every tissue in the body. It is a glycoprotein hormone synthesized and secreted by thyrotrope cells in the anterior pituitary gland, which regulates the endocrine function of the thyroid .In simple terms, thyriod harmones proper function is very important before your pregnant and even after falling pregnant.


PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

R for Research #A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

One advise I would like to give for infertility warriors is that research before you proceed. Researching about the medicines is easy, but don’t go too much into it, for your body which medicine will suit or work your RE or Doctor will know better, don’t go too much into medicines read just what you need and leave it don’t brood about it,there will be times when you would want to know whats happening with your body, how will that tablet or injection or procedure work for you, if you have doubts and questions regarding the medicines ask your doctor and go with the flow.

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I would say research more about how to manage or handle yourself and your partner emotionally and mentally. The infertility treatments are very draining physically , emotionally and financially as I have said in my earlier posts.

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Infertility treatments puts loads of stress mentally because you don’t know what’s happening with you most of the time. The the failures , cancellation of the cycles , miscarriages, even if your successful with the treatments you will be worried until you  have your baby in your hand, and then the pregnancy announcements, baby shower’s and much more, this all is very disturbing it’s very difficult to handle all these at once. Try to speak about your journey with who ever you feel comfortable with and who will understand you journey.There are loads of support groups online.If you like writing write a blog,do write it helps when you jot down your feelings and you will definitely feel better. So research more how you will handle emotionally, because many people wont talk about infertility openly. This is infertility life.


 

PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

N for Normal vs Not Normal #A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

In the infertility treatments, the invasive-ness is a part and parcel of infertility warriors life, it’s just normal.When I started infertility treatments I hated meeting my RE I was scared, obviously anyone will be scared because of the uncomfortable feeling every time they do a tvs scan,scans are not painful, but other tests are, because of those invasive scans and much more tests.I felt that it’s not normal at all and I dreaded my appointments with the RE.

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it’s a different story now,its takes time but you will get used to it, it’s been almost nine months since I am part of this infertility treatments with RE, before this almost 14 months I was taking treatments with the gynecologist. Now after nine months I feel it’s normal to have regular scans and when my RE does not do a scan I will wonder why she is not checking my uterus 🤦‍♀️🤔. In these infertility treatments nothing is normal or abnormal it’s all part and parcel of infertility life.


 

PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

M for Money Matters & MACS #A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

Money money money it is what you need for IVF or any infertility treatments, and these treatments are so so expensive. We cant help but pay from our pockets, and as I have written here in India their no insurance coverage for any infertility treatments.During infertility treatments, their is no guarantee that how much  ever your clinic quotes is the final amount, Its never ending until you have the baby in your hand.

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MACS test is done during IVF-ICSI. MACS test is another added expensive test., icsi is where they take the best sperm and inject in the egg for fertilization. If you opt for the MACS test, they use technology and the magnet picks the best sperm and that sperm is injected in the egg to fertilize.When this was suggested by my RE during my IVF-ICSI I was thinking again an added expense, but now its better thinking what all my friend F is going through, this treatment cant guarantee success, for that matter of fact any of the infertility treatments don’t give guarantee, it just increase the success rate.

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PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.