Coping with first failed FET

DISCLAIMER

Its been such a long time that I wrote  something here,as always I want to write sooooo.. much and their is so much in my mind but I am not writing.I wont say I am busy and all, its just that I dint write .Ok coming back to the topic, how I am coping with my first failed FET, is the biggest question.

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its been  a very long road, I am ok at times I am not ok at times,but its been a very difficult journey,I feel alone even with all the support I have got, I wonder how people cope when they don’t even know how to vent out the feelings and don’t know that their is a big support system out their, I am glad I know and have a support system which helps me a bit, but the truth is in the end of the day we are the only one who have to suffer.

The loneliness, the fear, what if  even the next transfer does not work, why my body is betraying me, why? why? why?, these are the questions I have been asking myself after my first failed FET. I have also learned a lot about relationships, friends and how people treat me just because they got pregnant and not me in this period ,  this topic needs a separate post, because I want to write and vent out so much, because people whom I thought will be my strength ans support were the one’s who did not want to talk to me, dint I say this needs a  separate post.

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When I started  the IVF treatment I was a different person, now I am a totally a different person, so much I have learned about  people  and life in general. When my first FET was about to start I did so many things even though my FET’s were being cancelled due to lining issues . I tried meditation, pranayama , yoga, good food , walking , prayers and so much more, but this time even though I had two months before my 2nd FET and still have few more weeks before I strart my 2nd FET, I have not done anything of the above, yes maybe be 10 percent of that, which I am not happy.

I still not have not written how I am coping with failure, we traveled a bit, now again after two days we are travelling again, then my BCP’s will finish from monday, so I am also in the count-down mode,talking to people who still want to be  my friend , even after they becoming pregnant and me not, eating junk, yes seriously I am eating junk, but since I am vegan they are not that bad junk so I am ok with it.Drinking loads of my favorite back coffee , which this time I am planning to stop from day 1 of the FET. I am still in the thinking mode of starting of meditation, pranayama , yoga, prayers , good food and all,after the trip or from today I am not sure.

I wanted to write and vent out but I was not able to because my nephews 1st birthday celebration’s and  I was also helping out so you know right.I still cant believe he is one already, when I started my treatment with my Gynecologist  its was during my bro engagement, then marriage , pregnancy , baby shower, my nephews naming ceremony and now his 1st birthday. I am still in the limbo land  land I don’t even know whether  my next transfer will be success or not.

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If anyone has read this rant until the end then your great and thank you, and if anyone  of you is going through this phase just hold on the hope, also let me know how you dealt or dealing when your were/are in this situation.

ERA Result & Updates

DISCLAIMER

I feel just lost, their is so much to do but I am not able to, I feel like life is just a drag, because of the cycle cancellations and all, and as I mentioned in my last post RE was out of town or something, also my ERA report was delayed, so my last cycle was cancelled.I am ok now, do I have any choice other then being ok.

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Once again started my HRT cycle from 29th May, do I have hope? I do not know, at least not now, I am just living like a zombie. Last night I had a dream where my RE is checking my lining and it was only 1.8 mm😣😥 I just woke up in the middle of the night, I am thinking too much I think, tomorrow is my 8th day of HRT cycle, you can read about how HRT cycle works here. I will be going for my lining check tomorrow hoping my lining would have grown ok if not great

I am doing everything in my capacity to make this cycle work, I am eating home cooked food ,walking, pranyama, meditation and planning to add yoga too . I love my black coffee I am slowly reducing taking coffee, and will stop complete after my progesterone is started.I am praying , in the end that’s all I can do,  I am doing everything in my capacity and leavening rest to God.

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My ERA test result, the good news is my lining is receptive but, but I need extra 12 hours of progesterone, so that’s a relief and in this cycle if my lining ok they know the receptive window so RE will work around it I think. My RE had told me that whenever my transfer happens she will just transfer according to my ERA timeline. I am having loads of hopes this cycle, hopefully my body wont let me down this time, until then I just have to hold on to hope just hope.

S for Support , Strength and Sprituality #A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

The infertility journey has helped me make some great friends they are my greatest support, my support system. Only these friends can understand my situation like no else can because we are all a part of this journey.All the friends I have made in this journey are not at the same stage of infertility treatments, some are just beginning, some are in the middle, for some they are taking treatments from few years, but we are all a part of this journey, and like I have earlier said, only those who go through this infertility journey will understand us, I have already written about the amazing support I have here.I have meet some amazing infertility warriors in the clinics, through the online support forums, and through infertility blogs.

My own strength, I would have never known  my strength if I had not  been a part of this journey. I  dint know that I was strong until my cousins and  friends told that I am very strong and the way I have been handling these infertility issues and things related to it, only then did I know how strong I am, but we don’t have choice,being strong is the only choice we have.

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Spirituality was and is  a part of my life. This journey has made me more spiritual. Their are times when failures happens but then, I blame GOD for that moment and then just move on. I don’t broad over why God did this  to me and all, I was feeling very low before starting my IVF, then later realized  no use of boarding over things we have no control over, we just  need to move on, have hope and believe in the universe.

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PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

A Letter to Myself

DISCLAIMER 

I want to write a letter  for myself before I start my first IVF.Why I want to write this letter to me is so that when I start the IVF procedure, I don’t know how my state of my mind will be. How and when I  might feel  low  I don’t know or  I don’t know even when I might feel happy,  so at that time, during those roller coaster emotions times, I want to come here and read this letter during those situations.

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Dear Sprha

Firstly Sprha you are STRONG that’s the reason you have decided to go ahead with IVF. You are more strong then you think, do you remember even to take a small blood test you would close your eyes and turn away. The most dreaded HSG test you did it even though it was under anesthesia , but you just did it and many invasive tests after that, remember you are strong and you can do this too.

 

The STRENGTH you have is really great and your own cousins have told  you that they see you as a very strong person and you are there strength, its an amazing feeling even though inside your breaking, why cant this amazing process of a making a baby so easy for others and why so difficult for me, but you are your own strength. My other friend told her friends that you are the most strongest person she has ever met, so  you know you can spread so much positive vibes. The Bravo , yes your BRAVE and  not only you , who all go thought IVF are freaking very brave, so just remember that always.

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STRESS-FREE, you should be stress-free as much as possible, it’s easier said then done, but try to be stress free, but, but if you cant be stress free don’t try  too much to be stress free , because it can add more stress to your already stressed mind. Being GOOD/NICE, I have read that when your on injections/ hormones for IVF, it can make you feel cranky  like your PMS-ing but the intensity will be more, so when you act like a made  person or cranky person, just breath and read this post.

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The SYMPTOMS ,yes when you start your stimulation’s and later after the embryo transfer, don’t try to research about the symptoms, I know its not easy to not go to the google doctor, but don’t over do it, don’t rely too much on it. The RESULT, I believe in karma, so I am going to to my duty and leave it to GOD,  at this point of time you just do what your supposed to do and believe in yourself and GOD.Do your yoga, meditations and pranayama they keep your mind calm as much as possible. That’s all I can remember as of now, if at all anyone reads this and want to give any tips I would love to know.

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Good Luck 🙂

There are many people in the world that go though IVF there are really great. I really salute them. Thank you all for making my journey a bit easy by writing about your journey.Anyone who reads this who is planning to do IVF or started with their first IVF, or when your reading this you might be going through second, third, fourth or so on. Some  you might relate too, some you may never ever relate or you may either relate to all or nothing at all.I just wanted to put down my feelings before IVF.