Confused Mind

DISCLAIMER

How do I even start writing about this topic I don’t know,but I want to write and take it out of my system. Infertility treatments are all about decisions and decisions, life is tough it feels or are we complicating or infertility complicates life.I sometimes feel why do I have to go through this but do I have choice. I sometimes feel that with these infertility treatments we are stuck, we are not fully moving out of it or we are going more deeper and deeper, stuck in the complicated Chakravuyha.

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I stopped my BCP’s (birth control pills ) yesterday, it was officially the last pill. I have been taking these pills after my first failed FET , RE has suggested to take a month break and come, but I told her I would like to take two months, she suggested take three months too and come back ready for the second FET, I asked her the BCP’s since I have pcos/pcod, I wont get period regularly so I wanted the timing to be perfect, they prescribe two packs of pills, so that after failed FET I would get period and start pills from day 2 of the period and then again from day 2 of the next period, so now I am done with the pills and waiting for my period to start so that I can meet the RE to start mt 2nd FET protocol also I am done with the two months of break.

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Now you might be wondering what I have to decide everything is going smooth, nope I am scared , feeling lonely , worried, and lots of what if’s, what if this cycle does not work too, or if it works how am I going to take it.Last transfer I was excited and not that much worried, but this time I feel very lonely and scared.I don’t know why, I was so ready after the failed FET, but as the days are nearing I am confused, I have been asking questions myself if I should go ahead with this or wait some more time, maybe I am scared of another failure.

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I know I feel ready and after my last cycle I have been waiting for the 2nd FET to start but now when I am almost their why this worry and confusion I don’t know, do all the people who go through infertility treatments feel this way or I am the only one feeling like this. I just want to be ready before my period starts. I don’t want to be a zombie , just going for check up’s and following up. I want to be more involved and happy, I want to be strong. I can only pray to GOD to give me the strength and go with the flow.I don’t know whether this post is making any sense , I feel better after writing these confusions and taking it out of my mind, that’s what is blog for isn’t it , Thank you.

Coping with first failed FET

DISCLAIMER

Its been such a long time that I wrote  something here,as always I want to write sooooo.. much and their is so much in my mind but I am not writing.I wont say I am busy and all, its just that I dint write .Ok coming back to the topic, how I am coping with my first failed FET, is the biggest question.

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its been  a very long road, I am ok at times I am not ok at times,but its been a very difficult journey,I feel alone even with all the support I have got, I wonder how people cope when they don’t even know how to vent out the feelings and don’t know that their is a big support system out their, I am glad I know and have a support system which helps me a bit, but the truth is in the end of the day we are the only one who have to suffer.

The loneliness, the fear, what if  even the next transfer does not work, why my body is betraying me, why? why? why?, these are the questions I have been asking myself after my first failed FET. I have also learned a lot about relationships, friends and how people treat me just because they got pregnant and not me in this period ,  this topic needs a separate post, because I want to write and vent out so much, because people whom I thought will be my strength ans support were the one’s who did not want to talk to me, dint I say this needs a  separate post.

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When I started  the IVF treatment I was a different person, now I am a totally a different person, so much I have learned about  people  and life in general. When my first FET was about to start I did so many things even though my FET’s were being cancelled due to lining issues . I tried meditation, pranayama , yoga, good food , walking , prayers and so much more, but this time even though I had two months before my 2nd FET and still have few more weeks before I strart my 2nd FET, I have not done anything of the above, yes maybe be 10 percent of that, which I am not happy.

I still not have not written how I am coping with failure, we traveled a bit, now again after two days we are travelling again, then my BCP’s will finish from monday, so I am also in the count-down mode,talking to people who still want to be  my friend , even after they becoming pregnant and me not, eating junk, yes seriously I am eating junk, but since I am vegan they are not that bad junk so I am ok with it.Drinking loads of my favorite back coffee , which this time I am planning to stop from day 1 of the FET. I am still in the thinking mode of starting of meditation, pranayama , yoga, prayers , good food and all,after the trip or from today I am not sure.

I wanted to write and vent out but I was not able to because my nephews 1st birthday celebration’s and  I was also helping out so you know right.I still cant believe he is one already, when I started my treatment with my Gynecologist  its was during my bro engagement, then marriage , pregnancy , baby shower, my nephews naming ceremony and now his 1st birthday. I am still in the limbo land  land I don’t even know whether  my next transfer will be success or not.

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If anyone has read this rant until the end then your great and thank you, and if anyone  of you is going through this phase just hold on the hope, also let me know how you dealt or dealing when your were/are in this situation.

ERA Result & Updates

DISCLAIMER

I feel just lost, their is so much to do but I am not able to, I feel like life is just a drag, because of the cycle cancellations and all, and as I mentioned in my last post RE was out of town or something, also my ERA report was delayed, so my last cycle was cancelled.I am ok now, do I have any choice other then being ok.

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Once again started my HRT cycle from 29th May, do I have hope? I do not know, at least not now, I am just living like a zombie. Last night I had a dream where my RE is checking my lining and it was only 1.8 mm😣😥 I just woke up in the middle of the night, I am thinking too much I think, tomorrow is my 8th day of HRT cycle, you can read about how HRT cycle works here. I will be going for my lining check tomorrow hoping my lining would have grown ok if not great

I am doing everything in my capacity to make this cycle work, I am eating home cooked food ,walking, pranyama, meditation and planning to add yoga too . I love my black coffee I am slowly reducing taking coffee, and will stop complete after my progesterone is started.I am praying , in the end that’s all I can do,  I am doing everything in my capacity and leavening rest to God.

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My ERA test result, the good news is my lining is receptive but, but I need extra 12 hours of progesterone, so that’s a relief and in this cycle if my lining ok they know the receptive window so RE will work around it I think. My RE had told me that whenever my transfer happens she will just transfer according to my ERA timeline. I am having loads of hopes this cycle, hopefully my body wont let me down this time, until then I just have to hold on to hope just hope.

S for Support , Strength and Sprituality #A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

The infertility journey has helped me make some great friends they are my greatest support, my support system. Only these friends can understand my situation like no else can because we are all a part of this journey.All the friends I have made in this journey are not at the same stage of infertility treatments, some are just beginning, some are in the middle, for some they are taking treatments from few years, but we are all a part of this journey, and like I have earlier said, only those who go through this infertility journey will understand us, I have already written about the amazing support I have here.I have meet some amazing infertility warriors in the clinics, through the online support forums, and through infertility blogs.

My own strength, I would have never known  my strength if I had not  been a part of this journey. I  dint know that I was strong until my cousins and  friends told that I am very strong and the way I have been handling these infertility issues and things related to it, only then did I know how strong I am, but we don’t have choice,being strong is the only choice we have.

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Spirituality was and is  a part of my life. This journey has made me more spiritual. Their are times when failures happens but then, I blame GOD for that moment and then just move on. I don’t broad over why God did this  to me and all, I was feeling very low before starting my IVF, then later realized  no use of boarding over things we have no control over, we just  need to move on, have hope and believe in the universe.

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PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

H for HRT #A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

HRT means hormone replacement therapy. HRT is done during women’s menopausal age by replacing estrogen and progesterone. In infertility treatments HRT is done for FET. The embryo has to stick to our uterus, for that we need a good endometrial lining,for the lining to grow we need loads of estrogen.

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I am on HRT now, I have been taking estrogen from day 2 of my period for my lining to grow and make my lining good so that my frozen embabies stick in my uterus.The lining sometimes does not grow even with estrogen.One in 10 people don’t respond to estrogen, I am the one in ten person, its not like I don’t respond at all, I do respond but a bit slowly.

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I was on HRT twice both the times my lining did not grow as expected, it did grow but very slowly, my RE was not satisfied with the growth😏, so both the cycles were cancelled😞.Now again I am on estrogen tablets let’s see how it works, if in this cycle my lining grows well,RE will do ET(Embryo Transfer) or if it’s slow again like last time she might do ERA test.I am hoping that, in this cycle my lining will grow and I can just get done with ET, so who ever is reading this please keep me in yours prayers, thank you 😊.

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PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences, I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

 

The Bumpy Ride & A Break

DISCLAIMER

As you read the title, my IVF journey has been always been a  bumpy ride nothing has worked accordingly, there has been delays, not knowing what next, now cancellations too,I am tired of this even though its just the beginning and hopefully it will work fine in the end. So after my last post I just wanted to disappear, and seriously I just wanted a break,also I knew at the back of my mind this cycle wont work due to my lining issues and that’s what  happened.

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On the 25th our 11th anniversary I went for my scan, I just knew this wont work also on 31st there was a  lunar eclipse on which day I did not wanted to be in TWW, I wanted to go for our anniversary trip as planned in November,so many things and so my lining was the same 6.4 mm or 6.7 mm something it had shrunk back like 0.2 mm I think compare to my last scan on day 15th , so FET was cancelled but my embryos are safe uff.

My lining growth and on time growth is what my RE wants, so that my em-babies can snuggle up and be their until 9 months safe and healthy and for which I agreed too, RE told that we can waste/cancel cycles but not embryos. RE told me to stop Progynova and take Meprate for 6 days, and once I stop those I will get period within a week , I stopped the tab on Tuesday, so I am thinking I will get period on Monday or Tuesday lets see and I have to meet RE on day 2 to start the new FET cycle, hopefully February is my month.

(Disclaimer: Please do not copy, or distribute the photo’s without the author’s  content)

I went home packed for our trip. We went at the western most tip of India and enjoyed our break, this break has made me very positive, visited Dwarkanath  and two Jothirlingas Nagehwar and Somanath. The trip was mix of spiritual, visiting beaches  and  seeing the nature at the best.I came home with a positive mind ready for the  next cycle. I so badly wanted to visit these two temples before my FET and so that’s what God wanted to I guess.On another note my friend F about whom I have mentioned here and here has her transfer tomorrow and I am darn excited for her,her positive will be my hope too, ok will stop now and leave with you some pics of our trip and have a great weekend.

 

The Break and FET – IVF Part 5 work in Progress

DISCLAIMER

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Hi all,hope all are having a great 2018. After my last post, the few people who read my blog must have wondered where I disappeared.I was just  totally lost in my own confused world, so before writing another post I wanted a break and know what exactly is happening with our first IVF cycle. I wanted to update after talking to RE so that’s why I am posting after a long time, I feel my last post which I posted, I  just posted in a hurry.The next day on day 5 , I had written probably fresh ET, read again probably, but that did not happen.

I wanted to get ET done under sedation, I had asked my RE if it possible, she told 95 % ET she does is not done sedation, only 5 % are done under sedation, but since I requested she agreed and told me to come on day 5, she told the same advice to eat sometime before 6.00am and nothing and no water until ET.

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On Wednesday 3rd Jan I fasted from 6.00 am, went to temple, but I had strange feeling that ET might not happen and in my dreams too,I would go to the clinic and they would tell that I have come late and so no ET today, I had the same dream two to three times. That was sign I must say.I waited for the call from clinic until 10.00 am,I called the clinic since I could not wait, they told  that RE was busy and they will  give a call in sometime.

I got the dreaded call, that my 5 embryos which they had left to grow (two day 3 embryos were first frozen in my 7 embryos and 5 were left to grow) only three were growing I felt so low. RE told that they were still in morula stage and they need to wait until it grows to blastocysts by day 6, I was so dejected, but at least 3 were growing and two best day 3 were already frozen, RE told she will update after day 6 one more day of wait. I called on day 6 to know, they told that  all three were growing good,they will wait until evening and then freeze so you can call next day.

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I called next day they told that they froze the best two, so now we have two day 3 and day 6 Expanded Blasts.Since my RE had told that they don’t do fresh day 6 embryo transfer, so it was FET (Frozen embryo transfer) for me. So mentally I was preparing to wait for more than a month, I was told to stop all the tablets and the progesterone pessaries and wait until I get period and go on day two to meet the RE.I had thought RE will check and give me BCP(birth control pills) for a month and then start  FET at the end of JAN or beginning of FEB, but everything changed.

I got period on 8th Jan, 5 days after of stopping those tablets that which were given for fresh transfer. I went to meet RE on 9th Jan, second day of my period, my RE scanned me the TVS scan and she told everything looks fine no cysts, but my lining was thick 7.2 mm on day 2 she asked me if I was bleeding properly, I told that I bleed properly by day 2 noon to day 3 morning, so she told come the on day 3, the next  day to check my lining and told me some blood work E2 and Progesterone and will decide on day three, my IVF cycle as always been confusing waiting game uff. So I gave my blood and prayed that everything should work out and was unnecessarily worried about my lining.

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In the evening I got a call from the clinic that my hormone levels are fine and that I can come and meet the RE for further investigations. I was happy and could not wait until the next day. On day three went to meet the RE, I waited and waited , on that day the clinic had too many patients.Finally my name was called, she first told that my hormones are fine now we need to check the lining, so again the bloody scan, she scanned and told no bilateral cysts and my lining had reduced to 3.9 mm so it was shedding fine.

 

I went back to her table she told everything looks fine we can go ahead with FET, I was nervous and excited. She gave the prescription, the regular vitamin  D tabs, Folic acid tabs and Progynova for 7 days 2 tabs (1 in morning and 1 at night) until 12th and from 13th 4 tabs (2 in the morning and 2 at night) until I meet her for day 10 scan. She told me not to miss on the timing of the tabs, if I take the tabs at 9.00 am, then I should take the other at 9.00 pm, it should be exactly 12 hour gap.I will be meeting my RE on 17th day 10 and will know what next.This IVF is made me know that  being patient  is the only choice we have and nothing else.

IVF – Part 4

DISCLAIMER

Happy new year to all my readers, have a great year ahead and hope all dreams come true and hold out babies soon. All the TTC ladies are in my prayers.I still can’t believe its 2018. Last Jan when I was in the middle of the infertility treatment, I was still in those beginning phase of the treatment and was so sure will conceive in one of those clomid or one of the IUI’s, but the universe had some other plans I guess. As I type this, still there is no baby in my belly. I could have been PUPO(Pregnant Until Proven) by yesterday but I asked my RE for day five transfer.

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Ok coming back to the part 4 of out IVF, on 29th  Dec 2017 on the auspicious day of Vaikunta Ekadhasi according to our Hindu calendar, my egg pick up/retrieval (ER) was done by 1.30 pm, according to my trigger shot timings of 35 to 36 hours.I was praying that I should get at least 12 to 15 eggs, but we got only 10.In the morning before ER BH had to give fresh SA, but he had to give it soon , as he had some important meeting , so there was so much confusion but finally the embryologist agreed to give it sooner and BH gave the fresh sample left, even though there was frozen back up, that morning confusions was very taxing.

After the ER , when I woke up, RE came up to me and told that they got 10 eggs, lets see how the fertilization is, we will know about it tomorrow and went away before I could ask any questions.I was very angry about myself that I got only 10, by then my friend F came to meet me,  about whom I have mentioned   here and here. My friend told why are you even feeling bad when others don’t even get a egg or more less than yours, I was like I am worried about me I din’t want to compare  myself with anyone at that point.Anyways I felt better speaking to her.

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When I was declared fine by the duty doctor to go home,RE had  prescribed some tabs until I meet her on Monday day 3, seeing those tabs , my friend F told you might have fresh transfer, I was like it cant be, but those tabs were for readying me for the fresh transfer. I was confused and shocked cause I had prepared myself mentally for FET. I have written about it here so many times.I am on vaginal progesterone and one more tab I don’t know the name the other tablet for preparing for ET, those tabs are making me feel confused, heart burn,nauseous and very tired.

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I left the clinic praying all of our  eggs to be fertilized and not to think about the ET (Embryo Tranfer). Until the next day I was so darn nervous, until I got to know about our fertiliation. The report was 9 eggs were mature and 7 had fertilized, that was a ok news o me, I was ok fine. Then prayed that they all grow fine, praying was the only choice I had, that’s what I did on the last weekend of 2017.

Monday JAN 1 st 2018, I went to the clinic, the junior doc did the scan, she told my lining is good and after ER there was some fluid  in the utreus, that fluid was also not there everything was looking good , so they wanted me to do day three transfer.I was not able to react, I asked can we do day 5 transfer, the blastocyst transfer,they were like we will check with RE and then decide.

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I met the RE she was busy with ER with other patients, she said.She told that success rate does not vary much, most of my patients have had success with day 3 transfer, decide what you want and called the embryologist. The embryologist showed me the report, all 7 were going good on day 3,only one was slight behind but that also was good grade, they told it might catch up.

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This was the first time in my life that I took decision without consulting BH / mom/ mil or anyone,and the decision was made within a minute, I just told, that mentally blastocyst  transfer would be fine for me.Now tomorrow I will know how many have made it to blasts.RE suggested that if I want day 5 transfer then freeze two day 3 embryo which are actually really good,remaining 5 we can let it grow, in case we lose all during the day 5 we have two day 3 back up, so fingers crossed that all five grow on day 5, and I can get done with ET tomorrow, my friend  F told that even her  few d grade embryo grew until day 5, mine was grade b embies so it should grow fine she told, I was nervous after taking the decision she told just go with the flow it will work out. Please pray that my embryos grow and I can have ET tomorrow.

2017 – The Roller Coaster Year

DISCLAIMER

First let me wish you a advance wishes for the new year 2018.

Happy New Year Quotes Wishes Message & SMS for Family 2018

I want to write about the roller coaster ride of 2017, It was no a bad year, but it was not good year either. This year was all about  hospital/clinic visits ,blood work, scans, procedures, pregnancy announcements , baby showers, naming ceremony many more, many more which are a part of this Indian society sigh. I just want to look back  and see how it was and how I have survived all the above, and read when I am low, and know that I am strong and can be an inspiration for others.

 

Let me start with JANUARY,  AF had come on 18th Dec , my gynecologist had told me to do follicle study scan from day 14 until until I ovulate, so the scan went until the first week of Jan, I did not ovulate until the cd 21, I had many follicles but they were growing very slowly, so I went to the doc, my doc told the same, that follicles are there but not growing on time cause of PCOS/PCOD .So my gynec told to do HSG test before further treatments, I waited and waited no signs of AF in Jan.My first cousin and my bro also announced there pregnancy just fifteen days apart. When I started my treatment from June 2016 my cousin sister had announced her pregnancy.

In FEBRUARY I went to meet gynec and told her that no period and its more than one and half month, she told me to check HPT and it was obviously negative, then she told me we will wait until  three months , and if I get period sooner, that I should get hsg test between cd 5 to cd 9. Finally  AF on 18th FEB, and on 24th got my HSG test done.

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In MARCH no AF again, I was just waiting AF to start so that I could start my clomid cycles.Nothing happened in March.I started this blog in March, I wanted  to vent out, I felt I was alone, I knew few friends and cousins who were /went through infertility,but no one was ready to speak about it, its ok its thrre choice ifbthey d9 not want to speak,but touch wood I have many friends where I can share and talk about infertility now.

In APRIL AF finally arrived , stared my first  clomid cycle.I hated the first cycle with 50mg clomid, I had all the side effects, like hot flashes , blur vision and much more. I ovulated on time, but it did not work.

In MAY I started the second clomid cycle but I have fever , diarrhea and nausea,from the day 2 started clomid, it was 50 mg for second cycle too. I ovulated very late on CD 21 or something and it dint work too. In May at our home they decided to start preparation for my SIL’s baby shower,I was wondering how I will face people in the baby shower, but I had to be strong.

The month of JUNE my third  clomid cycle  it stared late since I ovulated late due to health issues in May cycle. It was the baby shower month and my third clomid cycle with increased 100 mg of clomid .I was the one running around for the baby shower, I hated myself for the way I was feeling, I cant even explain. I manged by being strong during the baby shower.

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In JULY I ovulated fine in my third cycle on time, but it did not work. I met my gynecologist who told that since this is not working, she would prefer to do hysteroscopy and if wanted Laparoscopy too, and referred me to RE.

In AUGUST I met RE, showed all my reports and said that my Gynec wants second opinion if I need hystro-lap. She told its better I go for Hystrp-lap, and suggested some blood work for me and BH and SA for BH. Other than that nothing  happened in August.

In SEPTEMBER , hystro-lap was done , what a relief other than nothing happened . I was just waiting for my reports so that I could go ahead with the RE. Only thing I got to know with the lap was that both my tubes were blocked and I had no other choice than IVF.Then the longest ever six week wait.

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In October I finally got my reports and period after 45 days after the lap. Met the RE again with reports but there was so much confusion, due to some reports missing and all. RE told me to come on the second day of the period with all the remaining reports.

I was waiting for the NOVEMBER AF/period but it dint happen, I don’t know why I was not getting my period.Also there was some confusion about my reports which was cleared but not to my and RE’s satisfaction.My dad also was not well that time, it was the hardest month of my life.I waited until end of the month, to get my period but noth7ng happened, so I decided to meet RE to get some tab to get my period.

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I had spotting on DECEMBER 2nd, met RE on 4th Dec, she told my lining is thick I have two cysts on my right ovary and maybe that’s why delay in my period, but luckily it was a harmless cyst.RE also told that unless I get heavy bleeding I cant start my IVF injection so many road blocks.

Then the rest is history finally I started my IVF injections from 16th Dec,It was twelve days of injection, On 28th early morning 2 .00 am was my trigger shot,on 29th was my egg pick up. I will write about how many eggs and and how many have fertilized after meeting the RE tomorrow on January 2018 .Hope 2018 will make our dreams come true and I wish everyone hold our babies soon.HAPPY AND PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR TO ALL.Thank you all for being a part of my journey.The last post of the year.

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IVF – Part 3

DISCLAIMER

I am done with trigger shot today early morning 2.00 am, it was a nice drive to the clinic to take the injection,in the chilly December weather. Namma  Bengaluru/Bangalore looked like our 90’s Bangalore, it was traffic free and we reached half an hour early. It was 12 days of injections  until yesterday.I was seriously done with injections and wanted to finish of with the trigger injection.The trigger injections they gave me  were ovitrelle 250 on my thigh and HCG 5000 IU on the buttock. So tomorrow it will be my egg retrival.

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The main thing I want to ask here is about EmbryoScope, after my last post the next day it was my day 11 or injections and Scan.I met RE on Tuesday day 11, she checked my lining was good and my follicles/eggs had grown well according to her, compared to my last scan, but she told just one more day of injection, that would be day 12 of injection and last scan before the egg pick up.So I came the next day , she checked my follicles most of them had grown above 20 mm to 21 mm, and few were 18 and above and few were 16 mm, so maybe I had 17 to 20 follicles according to what they were talking (my RE and other Junior doc). She told me everything looks fine and that I am ready for the trigger shot. I had not taken the day 12 injection, so she told me to take the last day injections and some blood work for Estrogen and Progesterone level. They took my file and told that they will call by 4.00 pm to confirm the trigger shot.They rang me and told that my hormones are fine, and I can go ahead with the trigger shot, which I have written above.

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I was about to leave she told just sit down, I was wondering what she was going to tell now, she told me, why don’t you do EmbryoScope and she explained me what it would doing the IVF procedure,it would increase the success rate about extra 10 percent and it costs extra too.Then after finishing she said think  about it and let us know on the egg pick up day. I don’t know anyone who has done embryoScope , would love to know if anybody has done this and how did it workout for you.I googled it some say its worth it , some say it is a new toy in the fertility clinics, so I am confused.We will mostly go for it but I  would like to know from somebody who has first hand experience.Thank you in advance.Wish me luck people for the egg retrival.

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