Coping with first failed FET

DISCLAIMER

Its been such a long time that I wrote  something here,as always I want to write sooooo.. much and their is so much in my mind but I am not writing.I wont say I am busy and all, its just that I dint write .Ok coming back to the topic, how I am coping with my first failed FET, is the biggest question.

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its been  a very long road, I am ok at times I am not ok at times,but its been a very difficult journey,I feel alone even with all the support I have got, I wonder how people cope when they don’t even know how to vent out the feelings and don’t know that their is a big support system out their, I am glad I know and have a support system which helps me a bit, but the truth is in the end of the day we are the only one who have to suffer.

The loneliness, the fear, what if  even the next transfer does not work, why my body is betraying me, why? why? why?, these are the questions I have been asking myself after my first failed FET. I have also learned a lot about relationships, friends and how people treat me just because they got pregnant and not me in this period ,  this topic needs a separate post, because I want to write and vent out so much, because people whom I thought will be my strength ans support were the one’s who did not want to talk to me, dint I say this needs a  separate post.

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When I started  the IVF treatment I was a different person, now I am a totally a different person, so much I have learned about  people  and life in general. When my first FET was about to start I did so many things even though my FET’s were being cancelled due to lining issues . I tried meditation, pranayama , yoga, good food , walking , prayers and so much more, but this time even though I had two months before my 2nd FET and still have few more weeks before I strart my 2nd FET, I have not done anything of the above, yes maybe be 10 percent of that, which I am not happy.

I still not have not written how I am coping with failure, we traveled a bit, now again after two days we are travelling again, then my BCP’s will finish from monday, so I am also in the count-down mode,talking to people who still want to be  my friend , even after they becoming pregnant and me not, eating junk, yes seriously I am eating junk, but since I am vegan they are not that bad junk so I am ok with it.Drinking loads of my favorite back coffee , which this time I am planning to stop from day 1 of the FET. I am still in the thinking mode of starting of meditation, pranayama , yoga, prayers , good food and all,after the trip or from today I am not sure.

I wanted to write and vent out but I was not able to because my nephews 1st birthday celebration’s and  I was also helping out so you know right.I still cant believe he is one already, when I started my treatment with my Gynecologist  its was during my bro engagement, then marriage , pregnancy , baby shower, my nephews naming ceremony and now his 1st birthday. I am still in the limbo land  land I don’t even know whether  my next transfer will be success or not.

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If anyone has read this rant until the end then your great and thank you, and if anyone  of you is going through this phase just hold on the hope, also let me know how you dealt or dealing when your were/are in this situation.

The month of July 2018 – Part 2

DISCALIMER

If you have not read the first part read here… and here come’s the next read on…..

On 16th July I was excited  and nervous it was all mixed feeling, those who go through it will know it I guess. I had to be in the clinic by 10  am,but  due to whatever reasons I reached late by 10.45 am. Their was so much confusion on the way to the clinic, I was  also called by the receptionist to ask where I was. When I went to the clinic everyone was asking why late and all, I just went up stairs and  paid the money and come back to the transfer room.

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Still their was a confusion, if my transfer was under anesthesia or what,I had asked my RE sometime back that I would prefer transfer under sedation, but after my ERA test which also I had asked under sedation but I did it without the anesthesia so I was like if I  can  the painful ERA test without sedation , then I can do the transfer also without anesthesia.

I had not  discussed this with RE also after my transfer was confirmed, I also dint speak about sedation and my doctor also did  not speak anything so I was like my transfer will be done without sedation , so I had my breakfast and come to the clinic, their was so much drama and confusion why I ate breakfast and all .Then finally everything was sorted out, then I started drinking water to fill my bladder, my doctor was not satisfied with the water in my tummy , I was made to drink water on the transfer table.

At exactly 12.17 pm, my day 6, 2 Expanded blastocyst embryos were transferred.The transfer went smooth that’s what my RE told me, she  also wished me luck and told me no travel no intercourse and to come for BETA-HCG test after 12 days that was 28th July. take all the prescribed tablets without fail.I was also councelled by the in-house Councillor too.

I was overactive all the 12 days, I thought it would help for the blood flow in the uterus.I had almost all the symptoms, that was maybe because of progesterone.I had twitches mostly in the left side, I was hungry all the time from day 7 post transfer, I was tried and all, I was convinced I am pregnant on day 8 but I was scared to do a HPT(home pregnancy test).

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I Just manged to not to test until the ottd (on the test day). On 28th early morning I went to the clinic lab gave sample of my blood, and waited until 1.30 but I did not get any call, I called the clinic and waited until 2 pm, finally they called me and my RE told  sorry its negative, come and meet me next week and since we had two more embryos we will decide what we can do next, I was clam all the time when I got the news,because I know most of the first transfers don’t work, the most shocked was my BH, he was not able to believe it , but the that was the truth.

So my first transfer failed, now I am on a break for two months I am on BCP’s for two months.Their is much more to write will write soon.

W for Waiting # A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

In this infertility journey we are always waiting.The waiting game begin’s even before we start the treatments.When I started my treatment for our baby I thought, I will go to the doctor  will check what is wrong with US treat it, boom it work out soon,I knew soon means in few months, not like never ending, nothing like that happened. We need to wait for the appointment, then wait for your period/AF to arrive ,then blood work for both of us, HSG  test for me and husbands SA(semen analysis).Those clomid cycles were so annoying, waiting game  during clomid cycles was even more frustrating, we don’t know whats happening with our body.

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Most of my previous post’s written in this blog were when I was/am frustrated with this waiting game.The waiting game after my hystro-lap to get my report was like never ending, I had to wait for six weeks to know how my inside’s of the uterus was, and it was the most frustrating wait, after all the that dreaded wait when I got the report and everything looked good, I had to wait for AF to arrive before I could get start IVF, and also their was one report missing and that had to be cleared by the RE and Gynecologist, who told that if my six week report is fine then the others would be fine when I finaly felt relieved, suddenly my AF was on strike and was not ready to arrive, finally when it arrived, IVF roller-coaster ride started.

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Then after IVF injections began, now we had to wait and watch how my follicles were growing, and each scan was like a test, then once when it grew and after egg retrieval, we need to know how many occytes/egg’s are mature, for fertilization, after fertilization we need to wait again,like how many will grow to day 3, then after day three we need to wait for day 5, uff its never ending din’t I say.Then in my case I had some lining issues.Every wait is like a exam, when we pass one exam, we need to go for more difficult  next level exam in this IVF roller-coaster ride.Waiting game in this infertility journey is a part and parcel which we cannot escape.Even now I am waiting for my ERA test report, sigh this is infertility life.


 

PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.


		

M for Money Matters & MACS #A to Z Challenge

DISCLAIMER

Money money money it is what you need for IVF or any infertility treatments, and these treatments are so so expensive. We cant help but pay from our pockets, and as I have written here in India their no insurance coverage for any infertility treatments.During infertility treatments, their is no guarantee that how much  ever your clinic quotes is the final amount, Its never ending until you have the baby in your hand.

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MACS test is done during IVF-ICSI. MACS test is another added expensive test., icsi is where they take the best sperm and inject in the egg for fertilization. If you opt for the MACS test, they use technology and the magnet picks the best sperm and that sperm is injected in the egg to fertilize.When this was suggested by my RE during my IVF-ICSI I was thinking again an added expense, but now its better thinking what all my friend F is going through, this treatment cant guarantee success, for that matter of fact any of the infertility treatments don’t give guarantee, it just increase the success rate.

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PS:I am not a doctor, these are just my findings, my experiences and my infertility warrior friends experiences,which are a part of my life. I am half doctor myself because we go though so much,sometimes I feel I know my diagnosis better than my RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hope these posts make some sense for people who are not a part of this journey.This post is a part of #AtoZchallenge2018.

The State of my Mind

DISCLAIMER

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I am in a phase of life where the my state of my mind is all confused, angry, sad, happy to an extent too, all mish-mash like this post. I just want to take it out of my system. I wanted to write this post form past few weeks but something or the other would come up and could not write, before you start reading this post I want to warn you because this is a long rant so if your already in a low mood or nothing is going right in your life right  now just ignore and don’t read this post.

When I started IVF treatment I was very positive and all, before starting it was a very different story ,those who been reading my blog would know it. Once all was fine and my injections started I was in a very positive frame of my mind, but obviously was worried if my follicles were growing fine, how many eggs were retrieved ,how many were mature, how many made it to embryo stage , then to day 3 to day 5 to blastocyst  uff, it was never ending but I was some what confident  and things were looking good.

Then came came the major downfall, my lining saga until now it is never ending, all my positivity has gone to the drain, when I started my treatment in this clinic (I want to reveal my clinics name will do it soon, it might help people in Bangalore who want to know  or read the reviews before proceeding their, the clinic has several branches throughout India and has good success rate I have heard lets see how it for me and my friend F.), ok coming back to the original topic when I started the treatment in the clinic, after the my first appointment with the RE I met the counselor.Later when it was confirmed that I would start my first IVF there, I met the counselor after my consultation with RE, she spoke to me very nicely and I felt nice and felt good that I chose this clinic for IVF.I never checked online about the clinic or did nothing about knowing the clinic because it was referred by my Gynecologist, I just went there that’s it.

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Why I am writing about this here is because after that one counselling  session, there was nothing do with the counselor, she would ask me or my friend how we were or whats going on once in a while when we would be waiting in the clinic to meet the RE,  that’s it nothing much. When nothing is progressing with the IVF because of my lining issues and my friend F’s loss which I mentioned here.

Luckily for me and my friend we had  each other, and for me this blog friends support and few more from infertility forum whom I could vent out and get beautiful response, so I am ok, but sometimes I feel its better to meet a professional counselor, here in India counseling is looked down upon but I am in search of a good counselor lets see how it works.

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Why I am writing all this you must be wondering, I am a very strong person, even now I am fine, doing everything I enjoy, doing what I want or I would not even blogged this and  try to take it out of my system, after my lining issues, my friend’s loss, one of my friends 2nd transfer failure , one more friends treatment is not going as expected, another friend dint get any embryos to transfer,failures everywhere, I sometime wonder if this IVF is ever going to work, I am not a pessimistic person, but all these failures are making me feeling low and losing hope. I am wondering is this thing called IVF is ever going to work, I also know many people who have had success with IVF and my own first cousin had her first baby via IVF, but sudden failures from all quarters has made me think like this, I know this phase too will be over,maybe my hormones are on work I was on BCP (birth control pills for down regg) until yesterday, so now I wait for the grand AF to arrive, and go for a baseline scan on day 2 ,to start prepping for the ERA test, and I am done with the rant.

If you have read until here, thank you and also from April I am a part of A to Z challenge check here, so you will see me writing more posts,and my ERA teat  prepping  update.

Blog Anniversary and much more

DISCLAIMER

I have been MIA from almost three weeks, last year when I started this blog in March I just wrote the first post and vanished until July end. I think in march something happens to me and I don’t write much or nothing atall and yes It’s been a year since I started this blog, I started this blog on March 7th 2017, I wanted to write a post on my blog anniversary day but I have been caught with the twists and turns of life.

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The new plan was working to an extent,my follicles were growing fine, two dominant follicle’s were their but my RE was not satisfied with my lining and she does not want to risk my embryos. Anyways I wanted one full month of drug free and it has happened like the way I wanted. This month from day 15 I am on BCP’s(birth control pills) until 28th March. Then next month on day 2 I need to go for baseline scan, my RE told this cycle will be medicated but with injections and ERA test will be done,then it takes 3 weeks to get the report from Spain, and they will delay my periods so that I will get my period somewhat exact timing of the reports and they can start my FET, so according to my RE, my transfer will be in May, and I am praying that it will work this time.

I had started my acupuncture sessions, and few supplements but it did not help my lining, it might help few people not me.In between I took a second opinion form a different branch of which ever clinic I am going with a different doc, she saw my reports told that I have good embryos and also my lining grew fine in natural cycles and clomid too, maybe progynova tabs wont work for me and some people wont respond to estrogen tabs, she told injections will work for me, my uterus is normal and all, so I am relived, so planning to go with the flow as my doc, the new doc told that same thing going with the flow.

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Then as usual like this typical generation I started googling what ERA is done for, in all the pregnancy and IVF related forums, I read its done for implantation failures, and here I have not even have done one Embryo Transfer (ET), I was confused and worried, I was thinking that she is doing this test just for doing it and nothing else. When I consulted the infertility acupuncturist told about ERA she told that the test is not only done for implantation failure but also for persistent thin lining and your doc does not want to lose the good embryos, but I was not satisfied with her answer and was also not planning to do ERA at that time so left it their.

During my last visit to the clinic it was confirmed that I will be doing ERA next month, my RE also told that I can do ERA next month or wait for one more month, but I am already tired of the waiting game and told her that I will be doing ERA next month itself and asked her all my doubts, then after ERA , will my transfer happen next month after ERA or how what if is lining is still less, she told that’s the reason we do ERA we can know the receptiveness of the lining even if it is less, also with injections we can grow and one more reason she told indirectly was that, with injections and all that the lining will grow and they do not want to miss the window, so this test and in the end she told we will do everything to make you get pregnant but in the end I can give you 70 + 10 (for ERA).

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Once I was back home, again I started googling not the IVF or pregnancy or infertility forms but what ERA is and why, written and explained by doctors and clinics,so this time I read about just ERA not how who has gone through it , when ERA is done and for what its done, its done for two reasons one for obviously implantation failure and the other is for persistent thin lining, In my case she could have tried different method before ERA, but my be its my RE’s protocol I guess and I decided to go with a flow, sometimes we just need to believe and go with the flow.

On another note in one of the post about my friend F, she had transfer in Feb 3rd it was all positive, her beta was fine, but on the 7th week scan no heart beat, so she had to abort the baby, so this IVF/infertility journey is such a frustrating journey until we have our babies in our hand we will never know. If anyone has done ERA test do tell me how it worked for you thank you for reading until here.

THE LINING SAGA

DISCLAIMER 

I don’t know what will happen with my first FET cycle,usually my lining is never a issue, its always thickens on time, this is the first time, it is not getting thick, it is triple line from day 10 but not thickening like it has too.I don’t know why, I was checking my clomid cycle file, where I had to go for alternate days for scans from day 14/15/16 until I ovulate, in all those  scans every two days it used to grow 1 mm, like on day 15 it would be 6 mm and on 17 it would be 7 mm like that, so it would grow fine by the time I would ovulate, but why this time with all the medication I don’t know, this is very frustrating.

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On my day 15 scan I went for the scan it was just 6.4 or 6.6 mm not sure, in those five days it just grew less than 1 mm, why oh why is this happening.So my RE told me that my lining is not growing according to her satisfaction, so she gave me a choice to either cancel this cycle or wait for two three days and checking if my lining is growing and then decide , I told we will wait and check after two days, so now my scan is on 25th day 18 and I am hoping that it grows by then and but I am not sure.RE also told that sometime they cancel 2 to 5 cycles until the lining is fine, because our embryos are very important, we can can cancel due to lining but we  should not lose embryos and I agree with that.

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My IVF cycle from the start as always been very slow, loads of confusions, waiting and never ending suspense until  the end. I am really feeling very low and don’t know what next, if my cycle gets cancelled  luckily we had planned a trip for our anniversary but we had not cancelled don’t know why so we will go ahead with the trip in case the cycle is cancelled, so I guess I have something to look forward and divert my mind, also hopefully RE will start the FET immediately form next cycle itself I cant wait any more, already I am very frustrated with this cycle and I am also hoping this cycle wont be cancelled but I am ready for whatever it is and trying to be calm.I am tired of waiting.

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Day 8 of Injections – IVF

DISCLAIMER

On Saturday it was third scan(including my base line scan) to check my follicles, I hate those USG scans , how many times I have told this but its a fact that I hate those invasive scans, sigh!.RE did the scan and said that my lining was 7.6 mm, then there are two dominant follicles one each side, and almost fifteen or seventeen on both sides, which were above 12 mm so she was not happy I guess. RE did not say anything but I felt I like she was not ok with the development, it was my observation, and I am going mad thinking about it from Saturday, I need to relax, but I am not able to, I am ok today left it to God.

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RE told me, its ok we will just increase dosage of one injection, so injection Humog  was increased form 75 to 150, Humog I have been taking from day one of the injections, it was only 75 , now its 150 from day 8 .Hopefully that injection will help my follicles grow faster.My breasts feel very tender and I have pain too, very slight twinges near my ovaries, I am very tired , sleepy and hungry most of the time,very few time when walking fast I feel heaviness on one of the sides near the ovaries, other wise I am fine, hopefully everything is fine and I get good number and quality eggs.

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Today it will be day 10 of the injections, from day 8 more and more injections as I have said above.I have a scan tomorrow , RE told me that  will see you on Tuesday and hopefully everything will be fine and decide on egg retrieval. I am googling from Saturday, many have written that though they did not have any side effects of injections they had good number of eggs and some have succeeded also in that cycle ,I also stopped googling from yesterday, most of the time google misleads.I am trying to be calm,but I am not always calm.I just wanted to take this out of my system.If anyone has read this, I thank you for reading my blabbering. I am off to take day 10 injections, hopefully tomorrow will be the last day of the injection.

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Injections and Injections – IVF

DISCLAIMER 

Yes, its injections and injections , that’s the part of IVF, I know and everyone who has gone through IVF will know.I am not complaining just saying. Today it is CD 8/Day 7 of injections. on day 6 of injections, RE did the second TV scan after my day 2 scan to start  IVF TV Scan/USG,I hate those TV scans, during the scan she counted my follicles it was maybe 16 or 17 of them, my endometrium lining was 6.6 mm or something.

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RE wanted to add one more injection along with the two other injections which I am already taking  , so its three injections from yesterday. Before adding the third injections RE wanted to know my E2 levels , so gave blood to know about my estrogen level so took only the two injections in the morning. In the evening by 4.00 pm they rang me and said that my levels were normal and I can take the third injection, so off I went to take the third injection, this was also in thigh, so I take three injections two on the thigh and one on the buttock.

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From day one I am taking Gonal F and Humog  until day five, then from day six Cetrotide was added. From yesterday I have slight pain because of injections, but I am fine, its not hindering my day to day activities. I am trying to be calm as much as possible.I have an appointment with RE,tomorrow one more scan and hopefully will know when is the egg retrieval and any more follicles or maybe they will increase or decrease my injection dosages.I am nervous and excited but I don’t want to have too much expectations, I just want to be neutral. Thats all for now, will update tomorrow after my meeting with RE. Any tips would be great.

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IVF – Part 2

DISCLAIMER

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Yes you read it right, finally our first IVF cycle started. What a never ending drama  it was even before I could start and how stressful my life life prior to out IVF cycle. Even on Saturday I was not sure if we will start, finally it started what a relief I must say. I don’t know, I am a bit calmer after all these few days of drama, and trying not to be stressed too much.

I was/have been diagnosed pcos/pcod when I was 18 or 19 years old, so cysts were always a part of me, but from last year when I started taking treatment with my gynecologist it was fine no cysts or maybe they were unnoticeable,even during my Hystro-laparoscopy noting was there,why oh why did it come now, that too, two of them.When I called RE’s clinic last Monday to tell that I have been spotting from Saturday they told me to come, for check up, that’s when she saw those two cysts, sigh!what road block,I had even before I could start.

The spotting also stopped from Monday evening, I din’t know what was happening to my body I felt my body was failing me again and again . I was trying to be calm, but I could not I was depressed, I stopped all the communications with all my support system I have. It was one of the most lowest period of my life I must say, I knew so many people who were going through IVF, everyone were, either starting or in between the cycle or egg retrieval stage and here, I was no where near it.

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I should have started on November 16th, but it was already December , and nothing was happening, I was totally lost, I had palpitations.God I cant even thing about last week. I did everything to get my period, to flow normally in natural ways like heat producing foods, exercise , yoga and meditation to keep myself calm. On Thursday I has stomach ache and slight flow in the evening, I was like I can go and meet RE next day but the bleeding stopped at night and no bleeding until Friday noon, I was going mad, then I just decided to leave it and move on , so decided to go to the parlour  for  a nice soothing  facial and pedicure so I can feel relaxed,when I was back home by 1.30 there was slight bleeding and by evening there was  proper flow.I did not book the appointment until I was sure. On Saturday there was proper flow and  I booked  the  appointment.

On Saturday when I went to the clinic ,there I met my friend F again. Whom I have mentioned in my previous post  . She had come to the clinic to know about how many embryos will be freezed, because in our clinic they don’t do fresh transfer, only FET is done. We spoke for a long time , she made me feel better and told you will start today and even she had cyst and they stated IVF for her even when it just spotted so be calm she told.Then when I went to meet RE, she told everyone in the clinic were tracking my periods sigh.

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I told about my period when it started and all, they did the TVS scan I don’t know  why this time it was very uncomfortable.Then mt RE told that there is persistent cysts so we need to do blood work again before we could start sigh, road block again, but the cyst had reduced compared to last scan. So I gave blood for  progesterone and estradiol test. They told they will call and tell whether I should come or they will prescribe BCP for a month after they get my blood work reports.

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I was waiting again, they did not call me until 4.00 PM, I called the clinic, they told me to come soon, your hormones are fine, you can start today, I just rushed to the clinic, my GOD so much drama it was, ok I have written too much here I guess, now I am off to the clinic to take day 3 cd 4 injections.Wish me luck.( Any grammatical mistakes just ignore I was in a hurry to publish and take of my system.)